“I’m not sure what I’m proposing either. I just know that I want to be part of something that helps solve the problems, not a part of pushing the issues aside in order to meet a statistical need.”
Dex brushed her hair from her shoulder. He grazed his lips over her neck, then kissed her softly. “That’s one of the things I admire most about you. You’ve always wanted to help others.”
“I’ve…I’ve never been in a real position to help anyone,” she admitted.
He loved hearing the hitch in her voice, knowing his touch was getting to her. “You helped me.”
She laughed and playfully pushed at his chest. He caught her hand in his, locking eyes with her. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed each finger, then trailed kisses up her wrist.
“When…Oh God, Dex.” His name was a heated whisper. “When have I ever helped you with anything? You’ve always been there for me, but you’ve never needed anyone.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Ellie. Have you really forgotten all the times you pulled me through?”
She shook her head and pulled her hand from his grasp. “You’ve got it wrong. It was the other way around.”
No way in hell did he have it wrong. When his father said things to him that made him want to crawl under a rock, she was there to lift his spirits up. In high school, when he was lost in development of his first computer game, she sat right by his side at a time when other kids ignored him or left him alone because he seemed aloof or too much of an egghead. She didn’t make him feel weird. In some ways, she was his savior. He knew if he reminded her, she’d shove it under the carpet, like it was no big deal, or maybe over the edge of the balcony altogether. It was a big deal, but Ellie had never been very good at acknowledging her feelings, until earlier, in the alley. Dex wasn’t taking any chances of breaking the moment. He let their silence carry her statement away.
“My new bank card should arrive tomorrow and I have another interview, so hopefully I’ll get a job and be able to start looking for a place to live.”
The thought sent a pain through his gut. “Stay. Even if you get a job, there’s no reason to rush into a year-long lease somewhere.”
Her gaze softened. He could get lost in her eyes. “Dex, I’m not sure I’ll ever be what you want me to be.”
He clenched his jaw. Damn it. Will it always come down to this?
“I don’t know if I have it in me.”
“Damn it, Ellie. Why do you even say those things? You have what it takes to love someone. But maybe you just don’t want to love me.” He looked away, afraid he’d say something else he knew he would regret.
“You know, you’re the only man I’m sure I have ever loved, Dex. But you want a woman who knows how to stay. You want a woman who can deal with issues head-on.”
“Wait. What did you just say?” He locked eyes with her.
She drew her brows together. “That you want a woman who can deal with issues?”
“No. Rewind. Before that.”
Her eyes glazed over again.
“I’m the only man that you’ve ever loved. You said it and I heard it. Did you mean it?” Please tell me you meant it, for Christ’s sake.
“Dex.” Her eyes begged him not to make her answer.
His body tensed. “Tell me, Ellie. Did you mean it?”
Her eyes widened, then narrowed as contemplation washed over her face. She drew in a long breath and inched her mouth into a firm line.
“Jesus, Ellie.” He pushed to his feet. “What the hell is all of this? I know it’s been a long time, but what we had then and what we have now…It sure as hell feels real.”
She looked down.
“I know you love me, Ellie, and you know you do, too. Whatever it was that made you run from Maryland back to New York must have hurt the hell out of you. I get that, okay? You know that if anyone does, I do. But I can’t do this over and over again. When I saw you in that bar, my heart stopped. I wanted to run, Ellie, because of everything you’ve already put me through, but I wanted to be with you more than I wanted to run. And now? Now I’m just fucking confused.”
Ellie rose to her feet. “Don’t you think I’m confused?”
“No, I don’t think you’re confused. I know you’re confused. But unlike you, I want to fix my confusion. I’m standing right here, six inches from you, and I’m all ears.”
She nibbled on her lower lip, and he knew she wasn’t going to say a damned thing.
“Great.” He felt his heart shatter once again, just like it had twice before. He was an idiot. A fucking loser. Ellie Parker was never going to change, and unfortunately, he wasn’t sure he knew how to change his goddamn heart. “I need to clear my head. If I go for a walk, are you gonna take off before I get back?” He swallowed the lump that clung to his throat.
He saw it in her eyes. She was sliding back into that silent place. Goddamn it. “Ellie.” He reached for her. She took a step backward. “Ellie, I’m sorry. Don’t go reticent on me, please. This is so hard. I’m trying. I’m really trying to stay with you, to stay with us, but I don’t know what you expect of me. I hurt, Ellie. Every fucking time that you clamp down on your feelings. Every time you shut me out, it’s like a gunshot to my heart. A man can love a woman for only so long without it being reciprocated. On some level you must know that.” Just as I know it’s a fucking lie. I’ll always love you.
She nodded.
The silent nod. Fuck. He couldn’t walk away from her. It would only push her to take off again. He knew she would, and he wasn’t ready to take that chance. But damn it, he didn’t want to stand there looking at the woman whom he was sure he loved more than anything in the world, which was fucking crazy because she didn’t know how to love him back.
Chapter Fourteen
ELLIE FISTED HER hands. Her gut twisted. She couldn’t let Dex walk out of her life. That was her job. She walked out, not Dex. Dex never left. She watched him turn away and step into the living room.
Get him. Don’t let him go. She was frozen in place by disbelief.
He crossed the floor and headed for the foyer.
No! Don’t!
She couldn’t stop him. She couldn’t promise she wouldn’t leave. She wanted to promise—God, how she wanted to promise. Anything to keep him by her side—but she didn’t know how. How could she make a promise she wasn’t sure she could keep?
The door opened, and she listened as the latch closed and locked behind him. The sound started deep in her belly and grew to a low, agonizing moan. It took a second for her to realize it was coming from her own lungs. “No!” She sprinted out the door and pushed the elevator button again and again. “Come on. Come on.” She pushed it again. “Hurry. Hurry.”
The elevator doors opened, and she flew inside and pushed the button for the lobby. “Hurry up. Come on.” He’d be long gone by the time she reached the ground floor. The elevator doors closed as if they had rheumatoid arthritis, slow and painful. She watched the numbers light up as it descended to the lobby. The doors began to open, and she turned sideways and pushed herself through and flew out the front door of the complex, smacking right into the wall of Dex’s chest.
“Ellie?”
“Don’t go. Dex, please. Don’t go.” She gasped for breath, clinging to his shirt. “Please.”
“I couldn’t. I got out here and had to turn back. I was just coming back in.”
She couldn’t think past her thundering heart. You were coming back. You’re here. “You didn’t leave,” she panted. She ran her hands up and down his chest, making sure of him.
Dex took her hands in his and brought them to his lips. He pressed soft kisses to her fingers, then lowered his mouth to hers. Ellie released all of her fear, and all of her emotion, and let her heart take over. She kissed him like he was the very strength she needed to survive, and in many ways, he was. When he pulled back and looked into her eyes, she knew she’d do whatever it took to learn to stay.
She poked him in the chest. �
��Don’t do that again.”
He flashed his cockeyed grin. “Are you kidding me? Look at the reward I got for leaving. If I’d known I’d get a kiss like that, I’d have left every time I saw you.”
She poked him again, and he grabbed her finger and pulled her into another delicious kiss. Ellie pressed so close to his body that she thought he must be able to feel the blood flowing through her veins.
In the elevator, words tumbled from her mouth. “You can’t leave. Two people can’t leave. Someone has to be the strong one, and the other person—the one who leaves—has to be able to count on them to…to…goddamn it. To not give up on them.”
He closed and locked the apartment door behind them, and in one swift move, as if he was afraid to delay—afraid she might disappear into thin air—he wrapped his arms around her and took her in another insatiable kiss.
“I…” He kissed her again. “Won’t ever…” He brushed his lips over the line of her jaw. “Leave you.”
Ellie closed her eyes, pushing away the litany of what-ifs that sailed through her mind, and gave into the desires that she’d been suppressing forever. She slid her hands beneath his shirt and ran her fingers along the firm ridges of his muscles, the delicate lines of his chest, and up and over the arc of his shoulder.
He groaned. “God, I’ve wanted this forever.” With his hands on her cheeks, he kissed her again, his tongue loving every crevice of her mouth. He tilted her head just enough to open her mouth a little further and deepen the kiss. He slid his lips to her chin and kissed along her jaw, then nibbled at her earlobe, sending shivers up her spine. He pulled her shirt up and off, exposing her black lace bra.
“Ellie.” He said her name like it was golden, something to be cherished, before lowering his lips to the crest of her breast.
Never had she been loved the way Dex loved her. Bruce had taken her as if he were in a hurry. She pushed that thought away and concentrated on the smooth, hot strokes of Dex’s tongue, which were slowly stealing her sanity. He unhooked the front of her bra, freeing her breasts and cupping them in his hands with a low groan. He brought each nipple to a firm peak with the pads of his thumbs before lowering his mouth to each and bringing Ellie so close to coming apart she could barely breathe.
Without a word, he took her hand and brought her to his bedroom. She pulled at his shirt, and with one arm, he reached over his head and flung it to the floor. Ellie sucked in a breath. She’d seen Dex without a shirt on, had slept against him last night, but experiencing him while every nerve in her body was on fire brought a whole new level of exhilaration. Her body ached to know what he felt like inside her. She brought her mouth to his nipples and smiled as they pebbled beneath her tongue. She planted kisses down the center of his body—and oh what a fine body it was—between his hard abs, to the dip at the waist of his low-slung jeans. He tangled his hands in her hair and drew her back up, taking her in another greedy kiss, a kiss so deep and passionate that her knees weakened.
He unbuttoned her jeans and drew them down, then freed himself from his pants, kissing her as he pulled them down, groping her breasts, touching every inch of her body, making her crave more of him. He lowered her to the edge of the bed and pushed her legs apart, settling himself above her.
“Condom,” she whispered.
“Not yet.” He kissed her again, his whiskers pressing into her cheek and upper lip. An intense combination of pleasure and pain shot through her. She arched into him, and he slowed the kiss to a sensual, affectionate sharing of emotions.
She moaned when he lowered his teeth to her neck, then gently sucked the sensitive skin until her legs tingled with the force of a thousand needles. His hard length pressed against her belly. His back felt so good beneath her palms, strong and virile. His lips moved down her neck to her breastbone, where he sucked and licked until she was panting for more.
“Dex,” she begged.
“Not yet.” He lifted his head and met her gaze. “Just in case you show up only once every four years, I want to love you like you deserve to be loved. I want to love you so you want to come back.”
She heard the pain behind his words, and she buried her hands in his hair and drew him up to her, kissing him hungrily. “I always want to come back.” I do! Oh my God. I really, truly do!
“Then I want to love you so you’re begging me not to let you leave.” He moved back down her body and slid his fingers into the thin thread of her thong just below each hip. “God, you’re beautiful.” He kissed the curve of her hip, first one side, then the other, before pushing her thighs apart and lapping at the sensitive skin beside the tiny swatch of fabric that covered the part of her that was throbbing with desire. She arched up, desperate for more contact. He slid his finger beneath the fabric and stroked her. She couldn’t stifle the whimper of pleasure. Years of pent-up emotion tumbled forward. She sucked in a breath at the contact, and he let out another sexy groan, nearly sending her over the edge. He moved the fabric to the side and licked her gently. The first swipe of his tongue sent her arching up. He held her hips down to the mattress, pinning her beneath him, then slid her thong down and tossed it aside.
Now completely naked, she lay beneath him, her eyes closed, as she memorized the feel of his big, capable hands sliding down her hips to the outside of her thighs, the feel of them as they slid beneath her ass. He lifted her up, giving himself better access to drive her insane with that crazy talented mouth of his and heightening all of the tension she’d been repressing. Just when she was on the verge of coming apart, he slid his fingers into her and her hips rose off the bed, his name sailing from her lips like a prayer. He licked and thrust, sending shocks right through her. She clenched the mattress in her fists and gritted her teeth as he teased to her peak and held her there, then brought her down slowly, until every tiny pulse felt like the last and the next sent another shock of heat through her.
She grabbed at his shoulders. “Dex.” His name was one long, hot breath. “Dexy, please.”
In one swift move, he flipped her body over and inched up her legs, kissing the curve of her ass, then dragging his tongue up over the arc of her cheek to the dip beside her spine. His touch was so erotic, so full of love, that she wanted to stay right there forever, surrounded by the safety of him. When his chest pressed against her back, the initial shock of skin against skin caused them both to suck in a breath. She lay beneath him, completely trusting in him, without an ounce of fear of what he might do. He ran his hands up her sides, then kneaded her shoulders and the base of her neck. He trailed soft kisses down her arm, and the remaining tension in her limbs fell away.
He nuzzled against her neck and whispered, “You can be sure of me, Ellie.” Then he sealed that promise with a kiss. Gathering her thick hair in his hands, he moved it to one side; then he nipped at her neck. “Be sure of me. Take me for granted. I’ll never leave you.”
She closed her eyes, accepting his words, relishing in them, and wishing reality would never creep back in.
He slid beside her, his hard length pressed against her side. He turned her head gently to face him and took her cheeks in his hands. He looked deeply into her eyes, and she felt her heart open even more. “I love you, Ellie. I always have, and I know I always will.”
I love you, too. She kissed him, unable to get her mouth to function in any other way, and when he pulled away, she knew he needed to hear it just as badly as she did. She forced her lips to form the words. “Dexy, I’ve always loved you.” The words reverberated through her. She clung to them, never wanting to lose the feeling of the truth as it settled into her bones.
His eyes narrowed and filled with so much raw emotion that she thought he might cry, which would only make her cry. Instead, he took her in his arms and kissed her until the air in his lungs became hers. He reached into the drawer next to his bed and grabbed a condom from the box. She stifled the gut-wrenching sadness that shifted through her—the wonder of how many women had shared his bed.
Dex slid the prot
ective sheath on and searched her eyes again. She slid her eyes away, knowing he’d see right through them.
“Tell me, Ellie,” he whispered.
She closed her eyes. She couldn’t, wouldn’t ruin their moment with nonsense. She’d walked out on him four years ago. He had every right to be with anyone he wanted.
He cupped her chin and drew her eyes to his. “Tell me.”
“It was just a little spike of jealousy.”
He smiled. “Jealousy? Really?” He kissed her lips. “I like that.”
She pushed his chest and turned away again, embarrassed.
“Hey.” He positioned himself above her, pinning her with the intense emotions in his eyes. “Only you. I’ve never loved anyone but you.”
“Love.” Dex loves me. In her heart she’d always known he loved her, but lying beneath him, his heart beating against hers, his lips so close she could take him in another passionate kiss, it felt different. Bigger. More consuming, and she felt her heart open and drink him in.
“Love, Ellie. There’s been a few others. Lust, whatever, but never love. I’ve only ever loved you.”
THERE WAS A fine line between loving someone and smothering them, and with Ellie, Dex knew that line to be almost indistinguishable—and always fluid. He saw her smile fade after he’d told her he loved her, and he knew she anticipated him asking her the same question. Dex didn’t want to know if she’d had many lovers before him. She was with him now, and as far as he was concerned, that was all he needed to know. The women who had shared his bed had been few and far between. He’d been too busy working, and his heart had always belonged to Ellie. Hell, he knew it always would.
She cupped the back of his neck and drew his lips to hers. God, he loved it when she did that. She kissed him deep and hard, like she never wanted to stop, and he let her lead, because damn, she was a good kisser, and if she’d let him, he’d kiss her for hours before ravishing her body again. Her hand slid down his side, and she pressed against his lower back, sending a rush of heat through his groin.
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