He kissed her forehead. “Your life is going to be nothing but good things, El. We just had to find our way back to each other.”
She leaned up on her elbow and looked into his eyes, remembering the first time she’d snuck out of her house. It wasn’t just Dex’s kindness that drew her to him that night. She’d seen something else in his brooding, shadowed eyes. A hidden unhappiness that tugged at her heart. She’d braved the darkness, following the sidewalk to the next street down, then turned and went to the Remingtons’ address. She couldn’t remember what had compelled her to look it up two weeks earlier, but she had felt the need to do so. That night she stood outside his house trying to figure out which window might be his. She’d peered into the three bedroom windows she could reach, and though the first and second were dark, she’d found him in the third. She had no idea how long she’d watched him. Fifteen minutes? An hour? She’d been mesmerized by his ability to lie still for so long. Absorbed by whatever he was reading. Her mind was always running in ten different directions, trying to determine a way out of the hell that had become her life. If she wasn’t lovable enough for her own mother to sober up and reclaim her, how could she ever expect anyone else to? By the time she got to the foster home on Carlisle Avenue she’d already become jaded by the system. She’d known her foster homes were temporary, and something about Dex had seemed permanent. Even then.
Through the window that night, she watched Dex in the dim light of the reading lamp. He was lying on the twin bed, which looked too small beneath his lanky frame, wearing only a pair of cotton boxers. She’d been twelve the first time she stood outside his window. He was thirteen. They’d known each other for almost two years. Even at her young age, she’d seen more in Dex than just a boy on the cusp of growth. His legs were thin and long, his muscles yet undefined. He set down the book and pressed keys on a keyboard beside his bed. The monitor came to life and illuminated his handsome face. Back then his cheeks were smooth, still too young to have sprouted hair. His jaw and nose were still buffered with the last bits of youthful tenderness, less angular, and his eyes—those piercing midnight-blue eyes—called to her even then. She’d been standing on her tiptoes in her jeans and oversized sweatshirt. It was October, and the leaves were damp from a light evening rain. The toes of her sneakers had slipped out from beneath her, and as she grasped the windowsill in an effort to remain erect, her knuckles had rapped against the glass. She remembered the metal-on-metal sound of the window as it slid open and the look in Dex’s eyes when he saw her clinging to the sill.
“Hey,” he’d said.
“Hey.” Gulp.
He hadn’t said another word. He’d held his hands out for her to take hold, and when her hands touched his, she didn’t think. She scaled the wall, holding on to his hands and using her feet to walk up the bricks. She put her arms around his neck when he reached for her, and when he helped her down from the sill, inside his room, then took her hand and led her to the bed, he knelt down and took off her shoes without a word. She remembered watching him move around her like he’d been waiting for her his whole life. He’d looked at her and smiled with the right side of his mouth. And then he’d sat back on the bed against the headboard in the same position he’d been in when she’d arrived, and he lifted his arm. She’d crawled in beside him, one hand on his bare belly, the other against his side—in what would become their nightly position—and she’d closed her eyes. That was the first night she’d slept, really allowed herself to forget the world and fade away, in all the years she could remember.
Dex’s hand on her cheek pulled her from the memory.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked.
She laid her head on his chest. “Better than okay.”
“What were you thinking of just then?” He ran his fingers through her hair.
“You.” For the first time in her life, Ellie wondered if she should return to their old neighborhood and face what had driven her to sneak out for all those years. Find some closure.
“That’s good, right?” He flashed that crooked grin she loved.
She pushed the thought from her mind, unable to deal with anything that heavy right then. She wanted to focus on what she had now and the hope that was growing inside of her for a future…with Dex. “Yeah,” she whispered. “Dexy?”
“Yeah?”
“I was thinking. You have misgivings about what PC games do to kids, and I know you love making them, but what about balancing those misgivings by helping kids in another way? Would you ever consider helping us make that software program for kids? I mean, I know it’s not your thing, but—”
He lifted her chin so she was looking into his eyes. “I’ve thought about it since you mentioned it to me. I even talked to Mitch about it. Yeah, I want to.”
She sat up and pulled the blanket over her lower half. “Really?” Excitement prickled her limbs.
“Yeah. I was thinking, most educational software programs feel like educational programs. The way you explained what you had envisioned the first time you told me about it, it made me think of a multiplayer platform. So I took that idea a little further. We could develop educational software that feels like a game. Obviously, it can’t be like World of Thieves or have weapons or those types of elements, but we can use the same type of premise, set the program in a made-up world with cool characters and reading prompts, match prompts, whatever educational elements you need. You’ll have to guide us on that end, but it’s totally doable.”
“You really have been thinking about it.”
“I’ll always make games, but I worry about what’s going to happen ten years from now. I mean, now that both guys and girls are gaming all the time, if you look down the road, their kids will grow up doing it, too. Soon no one will play sports or go to museums, or hell, even leave their houses.”
Ellie wrinkled her brow. “A little overdramatic today?”
“Maybe. A little over everything today. But I do want to be involved with something that will help kids. So yeah, whatever you need. I’m in.”
She sighed and tumbled down beside him again.
“You’re waiting for the other shoe to fall and clunk you on the head.” Dex touched the top of her head.
“You can tell?”
“I can always tell.” He leaned over her and lifted up her shirt, exposing her stomach. Dex drew a heart on her skin with his index finger. “Nothing’s gonna clunk you.”
Her phone vibrated again, and she groaned.
“Just answer it,” he said.
“I don’t want to.”
He stared at the phone, and guilt speared her heart.
“Who is Asshole?” Dex’s voice turned serious. He held her gaze, and when she tried to look away, he shook his head. “Ellie, we owe each other honesty. I will never lie to you, and I don’t think I could stand it if you lied to me. Not after all these years and everything we’ve been through.”
She closed her eyes for a breath. Tell him. Don’t ruin this. She covered her eyes with her arm. “If I tell you, you can’t judge me, because it’s not my fault. And you can’t look at me, either.”
“Ellie.”
She shook her head, her arm acting as a barrier between the hurt she knew would fill his eyes and the embarrassment that would fill hers. And if she dared tell him the whole truth, he’d go ballistic. She knew this about him. He’d go to the ends of the earth to protect her. But he couldn’t slay the demons that haunted her heart if he didn’t know what they were. He wouldn’t morph from sweet, loving Dexy to man-on-a-mission without a reason, and right now she needed sweet, loving Dexy. Just this last time. It wasn’t a lie, really. She was going to tell him the truth, omitting only one tiny piece of information. Tiny, my ass. Okay. One big fucking chunk of information that she wasn’t ready to relive.
“Okay, fine,” she relented. “I came to New York because I found out the guy I was dating was married.” She held her breath and pressed her arm to her eyes.
“And?”
She dropped her arm and sat up. “And? Really? Married, Dex. Do you know what that means? Do you know what that makes me?” Jeez, do I have to spell it out to you? T. R. A. M. P.
He laughed. “Feisty, aren’t we?”
She pushed his chest. “I’m not a home wrecker. I had no idea he was married, and I’m thoroughly and utterly mortified to have been part of the whole mess.”
Dex took her hand. “I’m sorry. That does suck.”
“It does.”
“So you left Maryland because of that? Did you know his wife?”
Ellie shook her head, and guilt drove her eyes shifting downward. Not telling Dex the truth was harder this time than she’d anticipated. She had seen trust in his eyes, and now, as she stole a glance at him, she saw empathy that she didn’t deserve. She had just begun to find her footing with her students, her roommates, and then, hell if it wasn’t swept out from under her by that asshole. That was enough of a kick in the ass. Her life was just beginning to settle around her again. She and Dex were finally making headway as a couple. She couldn’t take another kick in the ass, not now.
“No. He traveled a lot, and I never put two and two together.”
“How’d you find out?” He inched nearer to her and held her close.
Ellie knew he wasn’t going to let her retreat into herself. “He was in the shower, and when his phone rang, I answered it.” Her eyes filled with tears. Damn it. Do. Not. Cry.
“Oh, Ellie.” He pulled her close and stroked her back, kicking that damn guilt into high gear.
“She was so hurt, Dex. I mean, I could feel this woman’s pain through the phone, and it was one of those times when nothing needed to be said. I knew the minute I answered and heard a female gasp on the other end of the phone. She said something like, Is he with you? And I stuttered, then apologized. Profusely. Jesus, I had no idea.” And then he hurt me.
“I know it feels horrible, but you can’t really blame yourself if you didn’t know.”
She closed her eyes until the tears subsided. Each tear seared her heart with pain at hiding the rest of the truth. “I’ve told myself that a hundred times, but then I talked to one of my roommates. She’d just gotten her degree in psychology, so it was free therapy. She asked me if I thought maybe I’d chosen him because he was safe. She said I wouldn’t ever have to get close to him because some part of me knew he was married.” She gripped Dex’s hand. “Dex, I swear to you, I had no idea. I know I’m fucked up, but I’d never be that person. No way. You know me.” She searched his eyes and saw that he did know her, probably better than she knew herself. And he trusted her—right at that moment, she wished he wouldn’t.
“I honestly can’t see you getting close to anyone in the first place, married or not.” He brought her hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to it. “Or maybe I just wouldn’t want to think about it. Does he still contact you?”
She nodded.
“Does he know where you are?” The softness left his face, bringing out the harsher lines, the muscles in his jaw. The protective Dex.
“I don’t know. I think he knows I came to New York, but of course he’d have no idea where I am.” Would he? No. There was no way he’d be able to track her.
“Ellie, if he’s in New York, I wanna have a talk with him.”
He dropped her hands, and Ellie saw his biceps jump beneath his tattoos. His eyes slanted dangerously.
“No, Dex. I don’t want to feed this creep’s…whatever it is. He’s probably just not used to being turned away. His wife’s already been hurt. I just want to forget about it all and move on.” Her phone buzzed again, and she reached for it.
Dex snagged it. “May I?” He held up the phone.
“Read it? Yes. Respond? No.” She watched him as he scrolled through the messages. His chest expanded as he read, his shoulders pulling back, muscles strung tight. He pressed his lips together in an angry line. When his eyes finally met hers, they were anything but loving. “He knows you’re in New York.”
“’Kay.” Shit.
“He wants to see you.” He didn’t even blink.
It occurred to her that Dex was weighing her reaction just as she had weighed his. “Okay.”
“Okay?” He glared at her.
“Not okay, like I’ll see him. Okay like, whatever. No way.” She pulled the covers up to her chest.
“Ellie, do I have to worry about him hurting you? Is he that kind of guy?” He put his hand on her leg, and she hated herself for stiffening beneath his touch. “Hey,” he said softly. “I’m on your side, El.”
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. She couldn’t breathe. She needed fresh air. She pushed to her feet, and Dex grabbed her hand.
“Don’t.”
“I need fresh air.”
“Please. Just this once, try to stay with me. Talk this out with me.”
Her leg bounced up and down. Dex had that damn look in his eyes again like she was tearing his heart out. She wanted to stay with him—more than anything in the world, she wanted to. She lowered herself back down to the bed. Now the entire mattress shook with her jumpy leg. She nibbled on her lower lip.
“You don’t have to tell me who he is, and I won’t try to find out, but I do want you to promise me that if he does anything that worries you, you’ll tell me. I need to trust you in this, Ellie.”
I can’t trust myself. How can you trust me?
Dex had known Ellie for more years than anyone else in her life. He was a quick study, and she knew that not reaching for her was killing him. Dex was a hugger. She was a hider. When she looked at him, she wanted more than anything to be a hugger. To be his hugger. For moments she’d been able to slip into that world, as she’d done in the bathroom and in the silence when they cuddled so many years ago. But at times like this, when discomfort needled her nerves and she was pressed to the wall to expose her most vulnerable points, it was harder than hell to fight the visceral need to flee.
“You told me that I could always be sure of you, Dexy, and I am trying so hard to be that person for you, too.” There it was. Plain. Simple. Honest. Almost.
Chapter Twenty-One
MIDNIGHT FOUND THEM eating pizza on the living room floor while outlining their ideas for the educational software. Ellie watched Dex staring intently at their notes. He looked the most content when he was creating or planning. She would like to think that he looked the most content when she was in his arms, but she knew that at those intimate times, while he was happy, he worried that she’d leave again. She was working on that. She was thinking of the way he’d come home midafternoon and made love to her when he lifted his eyes from the notebook and smiled.
“You had a meeting tonight, didn’t you? When you texted earlier, you said you had a late meeting.” She remembered it explicitly.
He shrugged. “I wanted to see you.”
“You blew off your meeting to see me? But I had just been to your office.”
Dex ran his hand through his hair and sighed.
“Did you think I wouldn’t be here?”
“No. I can’t make you stay, El. I know that. I can only hope that you want to stay.”
“I do.”
“I believe that you do. But that’s not why I blew off the meeting. I realized today when we were deciding on our release date that what you were doing mattered. It mattered a hell of a lot more than the gaming empire I built, and—”
“That’s not true.”
“Hear me out. I’m proud of what I’ve done, and what I do, but as I said earlier, I’ve also been really conflicted about it. This afternoon I felt driven to do something about it. You made me feel that way. You’re willing to work extra hours and put yourself out there with no promise of extra income or anything other than knowing you’re doing something of value for kids.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t have much besides time or ideas to give to anyone.”
He sighed. “Ellie, when we were growing up, you gave me everything I needed even though your own hea
rt was bleeding. You inspired me then, and you inspire me now to do something about what I’ve been feeling. I can and will continue with my gaming, but, Ellie, I’ve got the technical skills you need to make your dreams come true. With your brains and vision and my technical abilities, we can do this.”
“Oh, Dexy.” He had the most generous heart of any person she knew, and it drew her from where she sat on the floor to his lap. She ran her fingers through his hair and forced herself to say what she felt so strongly that her heart ached. “I so love you.”
He leaned his forehead against hers. “Thank you,” he whispered.
He stayed in that position for a long time. There was no mistaking how much it meant to him to hear her say she loved him outside of a moment of passion. When he lifted his head, he said, “Wow. All it takes is a diatribe about helping kids? I’ll remember that.”
Ellie knew he was making light because the moment was so heavy it threatened to draw tears from both of them.
“We’ll do this together, Ellie. Just keep your promise about that asshole, okay?”
“Yeah. I will.” Guilt pressed in on her and she had to ease it, if even just a little. “Dexy, I have to tell you something else.” Before he could react, she said, “He wasn’t very nice to me. I don’t want to talk about it, but I wanted you to know.”
He nodded. “You don’t want to talk about it?”
She shook her head, silently praying he’d give her the space she needed.
“I had lunch with my mom and Siena today.”
She saw something wash over his expression too fast for her to read. Relieved that he wasn’t pushing her, she went with it. “You…yes. How did it go?”
“Do you know that my mom knew that you used to sneak into my bedroom?”
Ellie covered her face. “Oh God. She must hate me.”
“You’re kidding, right? No one could ever hate you. She actually really liked you. She said we needed each other. And…she said I had to trust you.”
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