Colin
March 18
It had been raining the whole day so we’d come back to the hotel straight from the hospital. I’d noticed therapy had worn her out so I’d suggested we order room service and maybe watch some TV. I was hoping we could spend some time simply cuddling like a normal couple—because that was what I thought we were now.
Last night, after dinner, we’d managed to talk about what had happened on the Empire State Building and she’d finally admitted she’d liked our kiss, and that she’d known for a while her feelings for me had changed. She was still wary though, and I’d kept it a secret from Chris at the hospital today in case it embarrassed her—and because I knew it would also give Chris a chance to give me a hard time.
Besides, it was more exciting if we were the only two people who knew about it. Today at the hospital I’d acted like nothing had happened, although all I could think about was the feel of her lips on mine and how good she’d tasted the day before. As soon as the doors of the elevator closed, I’d crouched down and kissed her, and I swear I could’ve melted right there. I knew I’d never get enough of kissing her, and ‘keeping it a secret’ was definitely exciting and made me long for her even more.
I knocked on her door around seven and, when she opened, I couldn’t help but take her face in my hands and kiss her. It was crazy, but I’d missed her and I’d missed her lips in the four hours we’d been apart.
What has she done to me?
I pushed her out of her room and into mine, saying I’d organized something special, and I had to hide a smile when she frowned. When we were finished eating pizza, sitting on my bed and watching reruns of old episodes of Friends, I reached for my laptop.
“Movie?” I asked, showing her a DVD case. She stared at me, raising an eyebrow, and I grinned at her reaction.
“Where did you get that?” she asked, sounding a little surprised.
“Have you ever heard of movie rentals? We have them in Ireland, too.”
She huffed, and I couldn’t help but laugh. “You know what I meant!”
I sat down on the bed and stroked her cheek, suddenly needing contact. “I borrowed Chris’s rental card. I thought you might want to watch a movie every now and then, and Chris said I could keep it until we go home. He hardly ever has time to go rent a DVD anyway.”
She smiled, and I was glad it had turned out to be a good idea. It did get boring at times, and I was sure she’d started growing tired of watching TV shows and soap operas.
“So what did you pick?” she asked, reaching for the case. “Some action movie, or a thriller?” She read the title of the movie and looked up at me with one raised eyebrow. “Sleepless in Seattle?”
I smiled and slid closer to her on the mattress, brushing her cheek with my thumb.
“Yesterday, when we were in the elevator of the Empire State Building, you told me you felt like you were living in that movie. Well, since I seem to be the only person who hasn’t watched it yet, I thought it would be nice to watch it together and see what all the fuss is about.”
I shrugged and dropped my hand, but she immediately took it and brought it back to her cheek, leaning into it. Somehow, this simple gesture warmed my heart.
“I thought men didn’t like sappy movies,” she said with a naughty smile.
“They do if they’re in love,” I whispered, before kissing her lips softly. She melted against my lips. “So, you wanna watch it or what?”
She nodded so I switched on my laptop, balancing it on my legs, and put an arm around her, pulling her close. To my utter delight, she snuggled up and rested her head on my chest. The lovely smell of her fruity shampoo inebriated my mind. I kissed the top of her head as the movie started.
I could get used to all this.
I actually enjoyed the movie, although some parts were just a little too sappy for my taste. When she started crying at the end of the movie, as Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks met on top of the Empire State Building, I handed her a tissue while pretending I was crying too, just to tease her a little. She swatted me and pushed away, so I stood up and went into the bathroom to give her a little more time to pull herself together.
When I came out she was smiling and her cheeks were no longer tear-stained. She patted the mattress, inviting me back and I took two steps, then jumped on it like a kid. She laughed and the sound was like sweet music to my ears.
I wrapped her in a bear hug, placing little pecks on her neck. She tried to push me away, even though she was giggling and, when I let her, she stared at me for a few seconds before her lips were on mine again.
I couldn’t tell how long we kissed. It all started very innocently, but after a while our kisses grew more urgent, more passionate and, next thing I knew, she was running both her hands down my spine, pulling me close, and I was raking a hand through her hair.
A moment later, my hand trailed down from her upper arm to her waist and when it reached her thigh I instinctively pulled it up, settling my body against hers. She stiffened in my arms. When I realized what I was doing, I pulled away and rolled on my back, mentally cursing myself for not being able to control my instincts.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Kathleen. That was so out of place.”
She sighed, and I searched for her hand, staring at the ceiling while trying to slow down my breath.
I’d lost control. For a moment I’d thought we really were a normal couple, and I’d simply done what my hormones were telling me to do. I hadn’t thought of the consequences. She was way too important to me and I didn’t want to lose her because of this.
When I turned to look at her, her eyes were veiled with tears. I wanted to kick myself and I prayed I hadn’t ruined it all. In the past I’d tried to shove away every girl I’d dated when they’d gotten too close—but, for the first time in my life, I prayed that my stupid actions wouldn’t push her away, because I simply wouldn’t be able to live without her.
Chapter 23
Kathleen
March 18
It had been a great romantic night and I’d thought we really could be normal, up until the moment we’d started kissing and his hand had trailed down to my waist. At least, that was as far as I could feel. When his hand had reached my thigh and he’d pulled it up, settling his body against mine, my heart ached knowing I would never be able to feel him that way, to be with him in the most complete way a couple could be.
As if he’d been able to read my mind he’d abruptly pulled away, rolling on his back, and apologized for what he’d done. I knew he really was sorry—the distress was loud and clear in his voice.
I stared at the ceiling and, when he took my hand, I instinctively intertwined my fingers with his, trying to catch my breath. There was a big hole in my soul and a lump in my throat made it hard for me to breathe. Although I knew it wasn’t the right time for tears, I simply couldn’t stop them. When Colin turned to look at me, his face fell.
“Oh, babe, I’m sorry. I was stupid, I didn’t mean to upset you—”
I put a finger to his mouth and he stared at me, his eyes a puddle of contrition.
“Don’t apologize, Colin. You’re a man and I understand you… have needs.” He moved his lips as if to object, but I didn’t let him, my finger still on his gorgeous, soft lips. “And I feel awful because I can’t give you what you need.”
His stare softened. It stole my heart away and I removed my finger from his mouth, replacing it with my lips. If that was all I was going to get, well, I’d get as much as I could, and as often as I could—no matter how absurd it all sounded.
“You’re not making things easy by kissing me like this, you know,” he said, pulling back and grinning. He pulled me close to his chest and rested his chin on my shoulder.
I knew this beautiful dream wasn’t going to last; at some point he’d stop being content with hugs and kisses and he would leave me. But until that moment I was going to enjoy the dream. I was going to hold on to it as long as I could.
My rever
ies were brusquely interrupted as Colin nuzzled my neck, moving up to my ear. I groaned.
“You’re not making things easy either,” I chided and pushed him away playfully. He laughed, then went straight for my neck again leaving a trail of soft, wet kisses, as his mouth moved up to my ear again.
“Colin!” I gasped and pushed him harder. Finally he stopped, and stared at me.
“What?” he asked innocently.
“Stop it!” I scolded, trying to be as serious as my breath allowed me to. “What’s the use of you getting all worked up when you know it won’t lead anywhere?”
His face fell again and this time he moved away and sat up straight, running his fingers through his hair.
“I’m sorry,” he said, without looking at me. “You’re right, I’m just a selfish jerk.”
Great: now he was upset. Once again I was ruining everything with my stupid mood swings.
“No, you’re not.” I reached for him and tried to pull him back into my arms without success. “Colin, I’m sorry. I’m… I’m so confused about this, about us. I don’t know what I want.”
He turned back and glared at me; boy, was he mad. But what had I said wrong?
“Well, I’m sorry you don’t, Kathleen, because I do. And it’s you I want,” he said, still refusing to let me pull him into my arms. “But if I’m not what you want, then just say it. The last thing I want is to let you break my heart.”
His tone had taken on a fierce edge. I’d never heard him so cross—and I didn’t like it. He had been easy-going, happy-go-lucky, annoying, but never cross; it just wasn’t a word that I could relate to him.
“Colin…” I started, although I had no idea how to finish. All I knew was I didn’t want to fight and the thought of losing him made my heart ache. But how could I make him see I was only afraid I’d be the one who’d end up with a broken heart?
“What?”He stared at me with raised eyebrows and an expression that spoke volumes about his frame of mind. I didn’t like his tone and I didn’t like where this was going, but I simply couldn’t make myself tell him the truth.
“I’m sorry,” I said, after a moment, staring at the floral pattern on the comforter, just so my eyes wouldn’t lock with his and I’d be blurting out the truth without even realizing. “I didn’t mean to say it like that. The words… they came out wrong.”
“And how should they have come out, then?” His tone clearly indicated he didn’t believe me.
Tears pricked my eyes and I took a deep breath, hoping the lump in my throat would go away.
“I can’t… this… um… this thing is never going to work.” I knew it wasn’t what I wanted, but it was the best way to protect my heart—and the only one I knew.
“Why?” he asked, standing up from the bed and walking toward the window. “Why are you trying to find excuses to push me away when I know you feel something for me? I’m not stupid, Kathleen; I feel it in the way you kiss me. So why can’t you just let me love you?” He pulled the curtain and looked out, his back to me. For a moment I almost thought I’d seen the reflection of my brother in the window, but I knew it was only a trick of my mind. “Or maybe find a plausible excuse, instead of pushing me away one minute and kissing me like your life depended on it a minute later?”
I hung my head, knowing he had a point; but this simply proved my earlier statement. I was confused about us, about what I wanted, about how I felt about him. No, I knew how I felt about him—I knew I loved him and I wanted to be with him, but I realized my limitations.
I knew that my condition would make our relationship harder than a normal one. He was a man and at some point he would either find himself a lover or leave me for someone else, and I’d be broken. What I felt for him had gone way beyond anything I’d ever felt in my life, and I knew I’d never be able to live without him once I’d grown attached. We’d only been a couple, if that was what we were, for a day; if things ended now, maybe the pain wouldn’t be too excruciating. But could I tell him this?
“Colin, this is… um… complicated.”
He turned back to look at me. Behind the anger he looked sad.
“It’s not complicated, Kathleen,” he retorted, without moving from where he was standing. “Either you love me or you don’t, either you want to be with me or you don’t; it’s that simple.”
I looked up at him and when I met his eyes, they’d lost their usual gleam. They were dull and empty, and I knew it was because I was hurting him. I was inflicting him pain with every word I said, and I hated myself for that.
“I don’t mean to hurt you, Colin. I’d never want to hurt you.”
“You’re hurting me now, in case you hadn’t realized.” He tucked his hands in the pockets of his jeans and made me wish I could just jump off the bed and hug him. He leaned back against the window and crossed his legs at the ankles, staring at the floor.
A few minutes passed, but neither of us spoke. The silence was almost deafening. I could hear the hand of his watch tick, even though he was a few feet away from me.
I wondered why I’d been doing my best to sabotage this relationship from the very beginning when all I wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t I simply go with the flow, take it one day at a time and wish really hard that maybe we could have our happily ever after?
“Please, let’s not fight.” I tried to keep my voice steady but failed miserably. “I don’t like where this is going. Let’s just forget this even happened.”
My voice cracked and I faked a cough to cover the sob. All I really needed was for him to wrap me in his arms and tell me over and over again that he loved me, because every time he said it a little part of me believed we could really make it together—as long as we loved each other.
He pushed back to his feet again, his hands still in his pockets, and he studied my face for a while. I could tell he was trying to understand what was going through my mind, and if he could trust me. When he got close and his eyes met my teary ones, his expression softened and he gave me a half-hearted smile, slumping down on the mattress.
“Fighting with you is the last thing I want,” he said sweetly, taking my hands in his. “But I want to know why you acted like that, why you keep pulling back every time I feel we’re getting closer.”
I interlocked my fingers with his and stared at our joined hands. They fit so perfectly, it almost gave me hope that we could actually have a future together.
“I could never give you what you need,” I finally said, knowing I couldn’t keep up the pretense any longer. “And I know that at some point you’ll go looking for it somewhere else. I just want to spare us both the pain.”
He dropped my hands and slid away. When I looked up, his eyes were wide: the anger was gone but disappointment was still there, stronger than before.
“Are you serious?” he asked in a harsh tone that made me ashamed of what I’d said. “Are you seriously trying to jeopardize this because of sex? Are we back in high school and I didn’t realize?”
I blushed and looked away, knowing that my excuse was totally lame and really made me sound like a teenager.
“Well, you might find it hard to believe, but I can actually be in a relationship without sex,” he said, and I involuntarily quirked an eyebrow. “Jeez, Kathleen! I didn’t sleep with every woman I dated. Do you think I’m that kind of man?” He huffed and threw his hands in the air in frustration. “In spite of your low opinion of me, I happen to have principles. My parents taught me better than to treat women like objects, like mere means for sex.”
“I thought…” I whispered, trying to justify my actions.
“You thought wrong,” he cut in abruptly, sliding closer to me again, and taking my face in his hands. “You just have to trust me on this, Kathleen; I will never let something so stupid spoil how I feel for you. I know you don’t believe me when I say it, but I love you. I really, honestly do.”
I smiled sadly at him, wishing I could trust him. He probably was attracted to me in a sort of masochi
stic way, but I doubted he loved me. I doubted he felt the kind of love with the big L, the violins and everything—the kind of love that would last forever. The kind of love I knew, deep down in my heart, I was feeling for him. I loved him with an intensity that scared me. I’d never felt like that with any man before.
I was so scared that, sooner or later, he would leave. Once he’d seen the light, he would understand how stupid he’d been and he’d find someone else—a woman who could give him a normal life, the life I’d never be able to give him.
But for now he was mine, and I decided that holding on to the dream a little longer wouldn’t kill me. I needed him and I wanted him in my life. So I stroked his cheek and placed a soft kiss on his lips. He wrapped his arms around me, and I abandoned myself to his cuddles, shutting out all the bad thoughts.
Chapter 24
Colin
March 21
Kathleen was in Dr. Pearson’s office and Chris and I were standing by the vending machine, waiting for our coffees. We’d spent the last twenty minutes in his office, discussing Kathleen’s condition, and he’d come to the conclusion that the clinical trial wasn’t working, although he couldn’t understand why. I’d realized it too but I’d been trying to deny it, hoping I was wrong and that maybe Chris would be able to help her.
Now it was final, and it really made me feel useless. It didn’t change my feelings for her, though. Even though I knew ours was going to be a tough relationship, I was ready to accept everything that came our way. Whenever she wouldn’t feel strong enough, I’d be strong for her, too. After the stupid fight we’d had, things had slightly improved and Kathleen had started to let go and trust my feelings for her were real. I wouldn’t let this failure of mine get in the way.
I hadn’t told Chris that things had changed between Kathleen and me; if there was one thing I was sure of, it was that he shouldn’t know about us if I didn’t want to spend the rest of our time in New York being teased by my friend and his wife. But I must have underestimated him, because when I retrieved my cup from the machine and met his eyes, he was grinning—and it was a really mischievous one.
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