Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  “So, have you told her?” he asked nonchalantly, blowing on his coffee. I stared blankly and he shook his head in exasperation. “Have you told Kathleen you have feelings for her?”

  “I never said I had feelings for her!” I sulked, although I was shocked to see how plain my love for her seemed to be.

  “Come on, Colin, I’ve known you since we were five. I’ve seen the way you look at each other.” He smirked, and I looked away. “She’s more than just a patient to you, isn’t she?”

  I took a sip of coffee, scalded my tongue and cursed. Chris laughed.

  “Go ahead, buddy, try and tell me I’m wrong.”

  I sighed, and stared at the wall. Denying it would be useless now. Chris was a real shark at times, and I knew there was no escape once he’d found his new prey—and, right now, that prey was me.

  “Um… let’s say things have slightly changed between us,” I said, hoping this would be enough to sate his curiosity.

  “So what happened? Did you kiss her?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows. “Or did you do more, like—”

  “What the hell, Chris!” I cut him short abruptly, and shot him an angry look. I trashed my cup with as much strength as I could, hoping this would restrain me from punching him. He didn’t seem fazed by my reaction and shrugged, trashing his own cup.

  “Just curious,” he said, tucking his hands in the pockets of his white coat. “You’re my friend and I worry about you. She seems like a good girl and you need to settle down, buddy. It’s high time.”

  “First of all, you should stop worrying about me, because I don’t need anyone looking after me as if I were a child. Secondly,” I said, trying to keep calm even though blood boiled in my veins, “what I do with Kathleen is none of your business, no matter how long you’ve known me. I don’t ask about your sex life, you don’t ask about mine.”

  “And thirdly?” His smirk made me want to throttle him.

  “Thirdly, don’t you dare say a word to Kathleen about it. I’m not proud of overstepping the boundaries and I know it’s unprofessional. But I really like her and I don’t want her to worry about what people will think of us dating. So keep your mouth shut and pretend you don’t know.”

  “So you are dating, then!” he said cheerfully, making me wonder if he’d heard a word I’d just said.

  “Chris, please, let’s drop it, okay? I don’t want to talk about it.”

  He took a step closer to me and wrapped me in a bear hug, patting my back.

  “I’m so happy for you, buddy! I have a feeling this one’s gonna last longer than the others. Melissa will be dying to meet her once I tell her you have a new girlfriend.”

  I freed myself from his hug and glowered at him.

  “She’s not going to meet her,” I said, knowing just too well what Melissa was like. To say she was romantic would be an understatement; she loved fairy tales and happy endings, and I’d come to think she actually believed they were true.

  “Are you serious? She’d crack my skull if she knew you were dating someone and I’d kept her in the dark.”

  I shrugged; that was his problem. Kathleen was still extremely wary about our relationship and the last thing I needed was for Melissa to start babbling about wedding dresses and babies. Because I knew that was exactly what was going to happen.

  “Listen: things between us have only just changed and we’re both still trying to understand how we feel. We don’t even know if it’s going to work. I don’t need you and Melissa making wedding plans and scaring her away.”

  He raised his eyebrows and stared innocently at me, as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. He really drove me up the wall at times; no matter how much we cared for each other, when he acted like this I wanted to strangle him.

  We stopped talking when the door to Dr. Pearson’s office opened and he pushed Kathleen out toward us. Our eyes met and I could see tears waiting to spill. My heart broke and my first instinct was to take her in my arms and kiss her, but I knew Chris would love that kind of show from me right now, so I refrained.

  “I think we’re done with our chats,” Dr. Pearson said, looking down at Kathleen. She nodded. “It seems like my help isn’t required anymore.”

  He looked up at me, and I could swear he was trying to tell me something by the way his gaze fixed on mine. But then he asked Chris to follow him into his office, and they disappeared behind his door a moment later.

  I crouched down and kissed Kathleen’s lips gently, but she didn’t react. She was frozen in place and I didn’t know whether it had to do with Dr. Pearson or me.

  “You don’t want me to kiss you in public?” I asked with a silly grin, which usually made her smile. Her lips didn’t twitch, and I feared this time I was going to need more than silly antics to win her over.

  She shrugged, blinking to fight back tears.

  “Can we go back to the hotel, please?” Her voice cracked on the last syllable, and I had to keep myself from hugging her. I nodded and stood up, pushing her toward the elevator.

  The doors had just opened when Chris called us so I turned, shook my head and gave him a ‘Not now’ look; but either he was dumb or he intentionally ignored me. He grinned, and when he looked at Kathleen I knew he was up to no good.

  “Where’re you guys goin’?” he asked in an inquisitive tone, as if we were fugitives. I stared him straight in the eye and spoke as calmly as I could, hoping he’d get it.

  “Back to the hotel. Kathleen’s tired. We’ll see you tomorrow, Chris.”

  I cursed inwardly when the elevator doors closed before we could get inside, knowing we’d be at his mercy now. He crouched down and stared at Kathleen, completely ignoring the sad look in her eyes. When Chris wanted something, nobody could stop him.

  “You’re not bailing out of the big celebrations, are you?” he asked her, and Kathleen’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why, you mean Colin didn’t tell you?”

  “Tell me what?” Her frown deepened, and she stared at him, then at me, then at him again.

  “Chris, please—” I tried to cut in, but he didn’t let me.

  “It’s Colin’s birthday! He’s turning thirty today!”

  I glared at Chris, who grinned in response.

  “Thank you. You sure know how to keep a secret, buddy.”

  Kathleen gasped in surprise and her face lit up. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” she said, glancing at me with a scolding frown. “This is a milestone; of course we’ve got to celebrate!”

  There, exactly what I didn’t want: a birthday celebration in my hometown with my childhood friend. This would only be a painful reminder of how special my birthdays had been before my parents died, how special they made it for me every single year. If Chris wanted me to feel miserable for the rest of the night, he’d done it just right.

  I hadn’t celebrated a birthday in ages. I’d barely let Gran make a cake for my eighteenth, and only then because she’d looked sad when I’d told her I didn’t want to celebrate. I’d always celebrated my birthday with my parents, and when I lost them I stopped celebrating. I didn’t want the old memories to resurface, and I didn’t want to create new ones. And here I was now, with Chris and Kathleen both looking forward to celebrating my birthday. It was the last thing I wanted.

  “So can I tell Melissa you’re coming to dinner, then?” Chris asked with a grin.

  Kathleen nodded vehemently and looked at me with a broad smile. I couldn’t find the heart to spoil the fun for her. Whatever had made her sad had temporarily been forgotten, and I loved seeing the smile back on her face.

  I’d do it for her. I was an adult now, and I’d been a master at disguising my sorrow for fourteen years; one more night wouldn’t kill me. If I could make her happy and see her smile like that, I was ready to make the effort.

  I shrugged. “Do I have a choice?” I asked rhetorically. She smiled, shaking her head. Finally the elevator doors opened again, and I felt relieved as I stepped inside and said goodbye to Chris at last
.

  As soon as we were alone in the elevator she tugged at my sleeve and I stared down at her.

  “What?” I rolled my eyes in feigned exasperation, but when she gave me one of those sweet and sexy smiles my heart melted and, once again, I forgot why I was upset.

  “Why didn’t you tell me it’s your birthday?” Her big blue eyes were staring at me with a hurt look. I couldn’t bear to see that look and know I was the cause, so I crouched down and took her hands in mine, kissing her palms.

  “I don’t like celebrations,” I said, not wanting to say more—or the real reason, for that matter. “I don’t really care that much about birthdays. I’m sorry I upset you, babe.”

  She locked eyes with me, and once again the words came without permission. She had a mesmerizing stare; I didn’t know how she did it, but every time she looked at me like that I was totally incapable of lying.

  “My birthdays were different before my parents died,” I said. Her hands squeezed mine. “My parents always made it a special day, and I’ve never wanted to celebrate without them.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, sounding more apologetic than ever. It made me feel awful. “We don’t have to go, if you don’t want. It’s fine, we can do something else. We can watch a movie or something.”

  I shook my head. “No, it’s okay. If we don’t go tonight Chris will never leave me alone.”

  She giggled, knowing I was right. She’d come to know my friend pretty well by now, and she knew he didn’t like to take no for an answer.

  The elevator doors opened and I pushed her out and into the taxi. I’d do it for her, just to see her happy and make that sadness leave her eyes.

  Chapter 25

  Kathleen

  March 21

  We went back to the hotel, and Colin said he’d come and pick me up later. I was glad that, once again, he understood I needed space. When I’d come out of Dr. Pearson’s office I really felt like I was going to start crying in front of everyone, but then Chris had come up with the birthday dinner idea and I’d thought it was what I really needed.

  Spending a couple of hours with Colin’s friends would help me forget my talk with the doctor, if only temporarily. Besides, Colin deserved to have some fun, at least on his birthday. After organizing such a great St. Patrick’s Day surprise for me this was the least I could do in return. I didn’t want him to spend the night of his birthday handing me tissues and watching me cry my eyes out.

  I had a warm shower, washed my hair and spread lotion all over my body. I liked this room; the fact it was designed especially for someone in a wheelchair made everything easier. It almost made me feel I could live a normal life.

  I looked at myself in the mirror and decided the occasion required a little make-up. I hadn’t bothered wearing any before, but for the first time since the accident I felt a little vain. I wanted to look my best for Colin’s special dinner.

  I allowed myself an extra spray of my favorite perfume, and when I finally left the bathroom and hoisted myself back onto the bed, I was feeling quite satisfied with the overall result. I felt like a woman again, and wondered if Colin would notice the change.

  A light knock on the door signaled his presence, and I asked him to let himself in using his key, the one he’d asked for after the fire, just like he’d said he would.

  He walked in and when his gaze settled on me, his mouth dropped open. I hoped the shocked expression on his face meant he liked it.

  “Too much?” I asked, frowning as he came closer. He grinned and sat on the mattress, taking my hands and kissing my knuckles.

  “You look amazing,” he said sweetly and squeezed my hands, staring at me from head to toe. “Am I allowed to kiss you, or will it ruin your make-up?”

  “I can always put the lipstick back on.” I grinned. I loved the way he was looking at me: for a moment I’d almost forgotten my condition, and I was flattered by his compliments.

  He slid closer to me and stroked my cheek gently before placing a sweet, soft kiss on my lips. Butterflies flitted around in my stomach and I was sure nobody would ever make me feel like he did. He was the only one who managed to make me forget I’d never be able to walk again and who loved me in spite of knowing it. I was starting to convince myself that his love for me was real, that we could really have something good, something that could last.

  Then the words Dr. Pearson had told me that afternoon came back to my mind, and my heart broke a little at the memory.

  Colin noticed my sudden mood swing and tipped my chin so I could look into his eyes. I was sure he knew that, when he did that, I wasn’t able to lie.

  “I really don’t like being pushy, but… are you ever going to tell me what Dr. Pearson said to you? You were so gloomy after you came out of his office.” He stroked my cheek, leaving tingles wherever his skin touched mine. When his eyes locked with mine I thought I was going to melt. His stare was mesmerizing. “I love you, Kathleen. It really pains me to see you sad or upset. Please baby, tell me what’s wrong. Did Dr. Pearson say something bad?”

  When he called me “baby” my heart swelled, and I forgot all resolutions I’d made after what Dr. Pearson had told me, when I’d tried to convince myself that I should push Colin away and spare myself the heartbreak.

  I loved talking to him. I loved the way he listened, he understood, the way he soothed me and encouraged me, the way he was able to comfort me even by remaining silent when he knew I needed to vent. So I let my heart win over my head—again.

  “He understood there was something different in me and wanted to know what had happened.”

  “And you told him about me.”

  I nodded. “I wasn’t sure I should, but that man always seems to know how to pull words out of my mouth without me even realizing.”

  “Well, that’s what he gets paid for.” He chuckled, and I couldn’t help but smile and nod. “So what did he say? That I wasn’t good enough for you?”

  I shook my head, thinking back to Dr. Pearson’s words and how painful they’d sounded to my ears. “He said: ‘If you want to feel better, it’s time you let go of your brother and let someone else take his place in your heart,’.” I looked up at Colin, the words ringing in my ears. “I don’t want to let go of Declan. I don’t want to let anyone take his place.”

  My voice wobbled and I cleared my throat to stifle a sob. Colin was amazing and I loved him, but he could never in a million years take the place of my brother. Declan had been my whole world for twenty-three years.

  Colin’s hand rubbed my cheek, his thumb lingering on my bottom lip for a moment. Then he took my face in his hands and rested his brow on mine. He met my gaze and whispered softly, so low I could barely hear him.

  “I never want to take the place of your brother in your heart. I know he was important to you, and I know he’ll always be a part of you. I could never ask you to forget him, or let me replace him.” He placed a soft, gentle peck on my lips, before going on. “I think Dr. Pearson’s intentions were good, but maybe he didn’t say it in the right way. I want to be a part of your life, Kathleen; but I want you to keep the memory of your brother alive in your heart forever. All I ask is for you to find a little place in your heart for new memories. With me.”

  My eyes filled with tears in spite of my efforts to be strong. How could he always be so sweet, so understanding, so perfect in every way? Sometimes I felt as if he wasn’t real, a Prince Charming I’d created in my mind that would disappear as soon as I blinked. But he was there, right in front of me, his hands still on my cheeks, his eyes boring into mine, the amazing smell of his cologne lingering all around us, and our lips only inches apart.

  I needed him. I needed him in my life as a friend and a boyfriend. I needed him to be there for me when I was feeling down, to spend time with me when I was happy and, in spite of everything else, I wanted to enjoy life. So I decided to surrender because I knew I wasn’t strong enough to keep fighting—not with the way I felt when he was around.

 
I leaned forward and kissed him. He didn’t react at first, but when he understood I had given him carte blanche he didn’t wait too long to kiss me back.

  Before things got out of control I pulled back, smiling as I reminded him that Chris and Melissa were expecting us to show up for dinner at a decent time. He grinned and scooped me up in his arms, put me back in my wheelchair and, after I’d put on some lipstick and wiped it away from his lips, we went out of the room, giggling like teenagers.

  Chapter 26

  Colin

  March 21

  By the time we reached the nice Brooklyn neighborhood where Chris and Melissa lived, my hands were sweaty and I longed for a drink. I’d never introduced any of my ex-girlfriends to my friend and his wife. I’d told Chris about them of course, but they’d never been around long enough, nor had I ever been serious about any of them to warrant a visit; introducing Kathleen to Melissa was like bringing her to meet my family.

  When Chris came out on the street to take the wheelchair up the stairs while I carried Kathleen, I felt the tension increase the closer we got to his door. As soon as I’d put her back in her chair and Chris had closed the door behind us, Melissa came to greet us, wearing an apron and a wide smile.

  Kathleen was quiet and I knew she wasn’t feeling at ease. She’d told me while we were in the taxi that she was scared of what Melissa would think of her, and that Chris might treat her differently now he knew we were a couple.

  Melissa took Kathleen’s hand to shake and pecked her cheek, welcoming her as if she was an old friend, then came to hug me.

  “Happy birthday, sweetie,” she said, planting a big and rather loud kiss on my cheek. “I can’t believe you didn’t want to celebrate this milestone in your life with us. I never would’ve forgiven you!”