“Sorry,” I said, when I eventually pulled myself together. He smiled and brushed my cheeks with his palms; it felt awkward, but it was nice. It reminded me of when we were little and he’d try to console me after I’d fallen and skinned my knees.
“It’s good to have you back home, sis,” he said, and I smiled at him as he took my hand. “We missed you. I missed you.”
His statement took me by surprise and I found myself at a loss for words. Maybe I’d underestimated David’s feelings for me, thinking he didn’t want me around.
“I know we’ve never had the kind of brother–sister relationship you and Deco shared,” he continued when I didn’t speak. “But I love you, Kathy. You’re my little sister and I’ve always loved you, although I might not have been very good at showing it.”
At this unexpected declaration of brotherly love my heart filled with joy. I’d lost my beloved brother, but I’d also found the brother I thought had rejected me years ago.
“You and Declan have always been so close, I sort of felt left out. I thought…” He cleared his throat and looked away, as if he was ashamed of confessing his feelings. I took his hand and intertwined my fingers with his, squeezing a little. He looked back at me and smiled. “I thought you didn’t need another brother, so I took a step back. I know losing Declan has been tougher on you than on any of us. I know he was your hero.” He took a long deep breath, waiting for me to say something, but I was overwhelmed by all the emotions coursing through my body. He bit on his bottom lip, looking at our hands clasped together. “I know I can’t take Declan’s place in your heart but I want you to know I’m here for you; I’ll always be here, whenever you need me. You’re not alone, Kathy. You can count on me.”
Tears filled my eyes again, and I flung my arms around his neck. His words had touched my heart and reached down into my soul. How could I have been so mistaken about him?
“Aw, David,” I whispered through sobs. “I’m so sorry, I’m so terribly sorry for being such an awful sister.” He stroked my back, his chin resting on the top of my head. “My life revolved around Declan and when he died, I somehow died with him. I always thought you didn’t want your little sister around, that you were ashamed of me.”
He pushed me back just a little and stared into my eyes. His eyes were gray-blue, much lighter than Declan’s, but there was just as much love in them.
“We both share the guilt in this, Kathy. Yes, you pulled away and stopped looking up at me as a big brother you could depend on, but it’s true that when I was a teenager I was ashamed of hanging out with my little sister. I was stupid back then, but I’ve grown up now, and I’m proud we’re related,” he said, before placing a soft kiss on my brow.
I turned to look at the leprechaun hat and David followed my stare.
“This hat holds so many memories,” I said, reaching my hand out to grab it.
He smiled. “He never wore it, did he?”
I shook my head. “He said he’d rather be dead than be seen wearing ‘that thing’ on his head.” I chuckled, remembering Declan’s reaction that day. “So I started wearing it whenever we watched matches with our friends at the pub. He’d always make sure someone would sit between me and him so he could pretend he didn’t know me.”
David laughed and nodded. “Yeah, I can imagine that. I wouldn’t want to be seen near you if you were wearing it either.”
I gave him my best menacing glare, but it only made David laugh even harder.
“I really miss him,” he said, the corners of his lips suddenly turning downward and a frown creasing the space between his eyebrows. I held my breath for a moment. “Ever since he died I’ve been trying to be strong for everyone because I felt the responsibility of being the only son. But I’m starting to fall apart now. Sometimes I just wish I could let it all out—scream, cry, throw things, anything…” His voice cracked and I took his hands in mine, squeezing them.
“Maybe you should do it, David,” I said softly. He looked up at me, fighting back the tears that were welling in his eyes. “You’ll never feel better if you don’t let it out; the pain will eat you up and destroy your life. Declan wouldn’t want this for you.”
“He’s not here though, is he?” He shook his head, smiling ruefully.
“Perhaps not physically…” I trailed off, hoping he’d understand what I meant. He shook his head again.
“I wish I could believe that.”
I took his face in my hands and forced him to look me straight in the eye. “You have to believe, David. Trust me on this,” I said steadfastly. His frown deepened. “He’s still here and he doesn’t want us to hurt.”
The look in his eyes was a mix of fright and worry. He was probably thinking I’d gone mad.
“You’re scaring me now,” he said, tilting his head to the side. “Have you suddenly turned into a psychic and forgot to tell me?”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that. Only a few minutes ago I’d thought I could tell him about Declan coming to visit me but now I realized he wasn’t ready to hear it. I knew he’d have to be ready to accept and believe before I revealed the truth, if I didn’t want him to call someone to lock me up in a madhouse for life. I’d just rediscovered my relationship with him and I didn’t want it to end because I was too eager to share my secret. In time I would tell, but not today.
“No, I’m not a psychic, you silly.” I shook my head in mock exasperation. “What I meant is he’s still here with every one of us, in our hearts. He always will be.”
Maybe it wasn’t exactly what I’d meant, but it was what Colin had told me on the Empire State Building and it was the best excuse I could come up with to justify my earlier statement.
Colin.
Just thinking his name made my heart break. I remembered St. Patrick’s Day, the carriage ride, the musical, the ride on the ferry and that sweet, passionate kiss on top of the Empire State Building. For the umpteenth time today, tears filled my eyes. David’s grin faded when tears streaked face.
“What’s wrong, Kathy? Is it something I said?” He brushed my cheek with his thumb and rested his palm on it. I leaned into it and closed my eyes, the warmth of his hand soothing my pain, if only a little.
I knew I needed to talk to someone, because the doubts were tearing me apart and I wondered if David would understand, or if he’d think Colin had crossed the line and be mad at him.
“Kathy?” he called again and I snapped out of my reverie. Concern knitted his brow, but despite confusion and worry, there was also deep brotherly love in his eyes, and it was all I needed to open up. He’d understand, I was sure.
“If I told you something, would you promise not to tell anyone?” My tone was almost pleading. Although I needed to talk about it with someone, it didn’t mean I wanted everyone in my family to know—at least, not until I was sure of what was going to happen.
He nodded. “You know you can trust me, sis.”
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and, when I opened them again, I started telling him all about New York and how things between Colin and me changed. He didn’t say a word, he never interrupted, and the expression on his face never revealed how he was feeling or what he was thinking. When I finished, I hung my head and a couple of minutes passed before he said anything at all.
“So he’s in love with you, and you’re in love with him,” he said, matter-of-factly, and tilted my chin up with a finger. “I don’t see where the problem lies. Is it because he was your physio? Or because he’s older than you? How old is he, by the way?”
I raised an eyebrow, staring at him as if he were daft. Could he really not see the problem? I was there, right in front of his eyes, and I was in a wheelchair—how could he not understand?
“He’s thirty, but no, the problem’s not his age, David.”
He frowned. “Well, he might be a little old for ya, sis. I’m not sure I like the idea of you hanging out with a thirty-year-old. He’s way too experienced for you, if you know what I mean.”
/> He winked and I blushed hard. Was I really having this conversation with my brother? Maybe talking about Colin with him hadn’t been such a good idea, after all. I took a long, deep breath and closed my eyes, shaking my head.
“Don’t worry about that,” I said eventually, purposely not looking at him, “We can’t do much more than kissing, really. I’m in a wheelchair, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
His lips twitched, while he tried to stop a smile, and he raised an eyebrow at me questioningly.
“So is that the problem? That you can’t… um…” He cleared his throat, blushing a little probably for the first time in his life. I chuckled, resting a hand on his forearm.
“That’s not the main problem, no,” I said, trying to reassure him. His frown faded and he stopped biting his bottom lip. Maybe I’d overestimated my brother, thinking he’d be comfortable talking to his little sister about her love life. “But as much as I love having him in my life, we’ll never have a normal relationship. I’m in a wheelchair; I’ll always be a burden for everyone who’s close to me.”
“You’re not a burden for any of us, sweetheart,” he chided, shaking his head. “And if he thinks you are, he’s not worthy of your time.”
“He doesn’t think I am. At least not yet.” I hung my head, my smile fading. “But at some point he’ll find someone else, and I’ll be heartbroken. I don’t think my heart can take any more pain, Dave.”
He looked at me with a sweet smile I hadn’t seen directed at me in a long time. His hand came up to the back of my head and he stroked my hair gently. This simple, sweet gesture brought tears to my eyes, as memories of our childhood crept back in from the recesses of my mind. He’d stroked my hair and consoled me when I cried because Mark Dunlea had broken my snowman, when our cat had gone missing, and when our grandfather had died. Why did we drift apart, then? Why did we forget how much we loved each other when we were children? Why did I waste so many years thinking he didn’t care?
“You’re a beautiful, smart, and funny young woman, Kathy. That’s all that matters.” He wiped away a single tear that had somehow been able to escape my control. “Whoever doesn’t understand it is an idiot. And didn’t I always warn you to stay away from idiots?”
I nodded, remembering all the times he used to say that when we were kids.
“You can take your time, and think about it; no need to rush into things. Use this time apart as a test: if your feelings survive the distance, then you’ll know he’s worthy.”
“Such wise words coming out of your mouth, Professor. I’m impressed.”
He rolled his eyes and laughed, ruffling my bangs. I swatted him like I used to do when we were children, and for the first time in years I realized how much I’d missed him. I was sure Declan was happy to know we’d finally found each other again.
Maggie passed by the room and stared at us with raised eyebrows before shrugging and moving on. Maybe someday I’d be able to have a decent relationship with her too, but for the time being I was happy enough to have David back in my life.
Chapter 30
Colin
June 20
Two months. Two never-ending months, and I’d received no word.
I was going insane. I was close to falling apart. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and this wasn’t me. This wasn’t me at all. I’d never had a problem getting over girls and moving on with my life, but I knew this time not only would I struggle to move on, I wouldn’t be able to survive either.
I hadn’t been able to sleep through a whole night in the past two months. I’d wake at any hour soaked in sweat after dreaming of her, and I’d feel a big hole where my heart used to be. Yes, the moment she walked out of my life she’d taken my heart with her, leaving a gigantic hole in its place, a hole nobody else would be able to fill.
I’d stopped going out with my friends because I hated when they pushed some girl toward me, telling her I needed someone who’d mend my heart. Apparently, girls loved that and, after one had forced her tongue into my mouth before I could even say the usual “I have a girlfriend” line, I’d decided spending my nights on the couch watching TV and torturing myself thinking of Kathleen would be a much wiser choice.
I’d gone to visit Gran every weekend, needing those two days to recharge my batteries and finding comfort in her sweet, grandmotherly attention. They made me temporarily forget the aching in my heart and the emptiness of my life.
During the day my job kept my mind busy enough and I was grateful for that; but when I came home at night and saw Kathleen smiling at me from the picture of the two of us on the ferry in New York that I’d downloaded from her camera and placed in a silver frame on the bookshelf, the hole in my chest throbbed and I needed her more than ever.
Today was no different. I was feeling miserable and once again tempted to pick up the phone and call her, but I knew I shouldn’t do it. I’d said I would wait, and I intended to keep my promise.
The phone snapped me out of my musing and I gave a start, reaching for it on the nightstand. My heart skipped a beat when I read the name on the display, and something similar to butterflies filled my stomach. I felt like a teenager waiting for a call from his sweetheart.
“Hey.”
“Hey yourself,” she said, her voice trembling slightly. There were a few seconds of awkward silence while I deliberately waited for her to make the first move.
“Um… are you alone?” she asked after a moment, and I wondered if it was her way of checking if I was dating someone and was with her now.
“Not really, but she’s taking a shower now, so we can talk for a few minutes if you want.” I knew this sounded a little nasty but, after all, she she’d tried to dump me with a text message in spite of all the times I’d told her how much I loved her. I’d opened my heart to her, let her take a glimpse into my soul, and she’d pushed me away and made me grieve for two months before deciding to pick up the phone and check how I was feeling. I was entitled to a little silly joke now.
There was a stunned silence on the other end of the line and when she spoke again her voice cracked. “Oh, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I thought…” she stammered, and I felt so awful about it I wanted to kick myself. I was sure she was about to start crying and I didn’t want to be the cause of her tears. I’d only meant for it to be a joke; I never meant to hurt her. It had been a really dumbass move.
“I was joking, Icy,” I said, before she hung up on me and deleted my number from her phone. Then I burst into laughter, unable to contain myself any longer.
“Eejit,” she snapped, and I laughed harder.
“Sorry, but you kinda served it on a silver platter, and I couldn’t help myself.” I chuckled and she snorted. I could imagine her sticking out her bottom lip in full pout mode, and I wanted to take that lip in my mouth and kiss her sulk away. “Besides, you sort of deserved that; what took you so long to call me? Have you been busy ruling your Ice Kingdom and forgot about your most loyal servant?”
“You mean my most unruly servant.”
I laughed again. I hadn’t laughed in two months and with every second I spent on the phone with her I felt a little more like myself again. She was bringing me back from wherever I’d gone.
There were a few more moments of silence, then she took a long, deep breath and let it out.
“How have you been?” she asked nonchalantly, as if she didn’t know I’d been through hell. Maybe she didn’t, maybe she was fine and hadn’t missed me in the least.
“Miserable.” I waited for her to say something—but she didn’t.
I was done with hiding my feelings just so she could understand what she wanted. I wanted her and I wasn’t going to let her off the hook so easily. I was going to fight for her, and I wanted her to know that.
“I miss you, Kathleen. I know I promised I’d let you take your time and I’d wait, but I can’t take it any longer.” I sighed, and gave her time to process what I’d just said. “I love you. My feelings for you hav
en’t changed but I need to know where we stand now, ’cause I’m going crazy, here.”
She didn’t say anything, and I felt like screaming. I didn’t want to push her but I really needed to know how she felt about me, about us. If she still thought she was a burden, I’d get in the car and drive to Galway and, once I was there, I’d take her face in my hands and kiss her until she begged me to stop.
“Colin…” she whispered. I loved the sound of my name when she said it. She waited a moment and I imagined her pondering each word before speaking, the way she did whenever she needed to say something serious. “I’m sorry it took me so long to call you. I…” She cleared her throat, and I dreaded what she was about to say. She wasn’t going to dump me now, was she? “I wanted to give you enough time to understand how you felt; I wanted to give you an easy way out, and the opportunity to see other women and realize what you would be missing if you decided to be with me.”
At that I laughed. Hard.
I knew she was probably thinking I’d gone crazy, but I didn’t care. Did she really think I’d chase after women and have lots of wild sex just so I’d be okay with us not being able to?
“What’s so funny about it?” she asked, sounding a little frustrated.
“Do you really think I’ve been going out with other women?” I didn’t give her time to reply. “I’ve been a hermit for the past two months, Kathleen. The only woman I’ve been seeing regularly is my grandmother, and you definitely shouldn’t be jealous of her.”
She sucked in a ragged breath and I wished I could send myself through the telephone line, come out the other end, and take her in my arms.
“There’s no one but you, Kathleen. There’ll never be room for anyone else in my heart,” I said, hoping this sounded reassuring enough. I was running out of ways to prove how true my feelings were. I needed her to believe me, but I didn’t know how to make that happen.
“I told my brother about us,” she said abruptly, and I immediately found myself wondering what he’d thought and if he wanted to kill me. “I… I needed to talk to someone about you …um… about us, and he reckons… well, he thinks I should give you the benefit of the doubt, so he offered to drive me to Dublin, to, um… to see you,” she continued. My heart skipped a beat. “If you want, of course.”
Healing Our Hearts Page 16