by Kelly Myers
I’m way too exhausted to figure out the difference.
Chapter Twenty-Six
An hour after Logan’s departure, I’m still sitting at my kitchen table and staring into space.
In almost every romance story, there’s a love triangle. To be honest, I’m a sucker for that literary trope. The more intense the love triangle, the better. The more agonizing thought the heroine has to put into choosing between two perfectly viable suitors, the more I lap it up.
In real life, it’s hardly as satisfying.
I wouldn’t even classify my current predicament as a love triangle. A love triangle implies that the only problem is the presence of two competing suitors. I just have to make the decisions. My indecision is the only issue.
That is not the case here. There are about a million other factors besides me. I have to consider how Logan treated me in the past and decide if I can trust that he has changed. I would never get back together with him if I’m unable to forgive him for his past transgressions. It’s not fair to him for me to carry a grudge into a rekindled romance.
As for David, I have to consider, as always, his children. Would me and David dating be alright for them?
My own happiness is just one component. And even that is a tricky choice. I don’t know which guy is the best choice.
Logan is safe. There’s no doubt about that. I know it’s worked before. He doesn’t have kids or a difficult family, and we live well together. We’re compatible.
I would never use a word like “compatible” with David. We get along and we have a real connection, but it’s more intense. I feel alive when I look at him. It’s thrilling, but I don’t know what it would be like to live daily life with someone like that.
And when all is said and done, I’ve known David for less than a month. That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. How can I make a life-altering decision based on such a brief acquaintance?
In books and movies, the late arrival would never win. The person you fall in love with first is always the one you pick in the end. The person you fall in love with second – well, he’s just a distraction.
Maybe David has just been a detour. Logan is the one I’m supposed to end up with.
Then again, I shouldn’t be taking dating advice from fiction. Love triangles exist just to keep people turning the page. They’re not supposed to teach life lessons.
I try to run through all the possible outcomes.
Option A: I choose Logan. We stay together forever and have a peaceful existence in which I try not to think about the time he said I was boring and went off to date someone else and then came back to me because he realized he enjoyed sharing life with a doormat.
Ok, that option sounds terrible and saturated with bitterness. I do believe there is a better version of A. It will take hard work and time, but I think Logan and I could be happy. If I worked at it, I could forgive him. I could speak up more. Now that I know I have doormat tendencies, I can verbalize how much that displeases me. We could work together to have a healthier dynamic.
Option B: I choose Logan. It doesn’t work out. Our problems don’t go away, no matter how hard we work at. And maybe one or both of us isn’t that interested in putting the work in anyway. We break up. I’m alone again.
Honestly, with that option, it’s a great big circle. I’ll be right back where I was a month ago, nothing gained, nothing lost.
Although I would lose David. Then again, with that option, I never really get to have David. He doesn’t belong to me. I don’t know if he ever could belong to me.
Which brings me to Option C: I choose David. We take our time and try to make it work. But something goes wrong. Either David and I aren’t as good together as we thought (and this is a strong possibility since we just met and there’s a lot still to discover about each other) or Amy doesn’t adjust well, and we have to call it off for her sake. And it might not even be Amy, I realize. Sure, Kate says she’s ok with David dating me now, but she’s only 8 right now. Things could change as she grows older, and she might not be so convivial.
I can’t lie to myself, Option C sounds devastating. The risk-averse part of me, the part that always looks before I take a leap, recoils from this option. I’ve already spent a week being miserable because David and I messed up. What if I get to have him for a little while, and then I still lose him? That would be even worse.
Then again, is having him for a little while better than not having him at all?
I bring myself to Option D: I choose David. We spend time together and get to know each other and develop a deep bond. We fall in love. His daughters accept us, maybe even appreciate us. The years spread before us. They’re filled with ups and downs, but we’re together. We live together, work together, grow together.
I suck in my breath and brush away a tear. Option D is beautiful but terrifying. When students have to take standardized tests, I always advise them to guess if they’re not sure of the answer. Out of four options, there’s a 25% chance that a guess could be right.
This isn’t a standardized test. I know the odds of Option D occurring are very low. No matter how much work I put into it, no matter how much I want it (and I really want it), it might not work out. There are variables and powerful factors at play.
So what would I advise my students if they were faced with a list of choices, and none of them sat right with them except an Option that they were pretty sure wasn’t correct.
Skip the question. That’s what I would tell them to do. Leave it blank, go onto the next question and finish the test. If you have time at the end, go back to the difficult question. Think about it with a fresh mind. Attack it from a new perspective.
If you still can’t work it out, just forget about it. Check the rest of your work and focus on the questions you know can answer.
I could just refuse to choose. I could go with neither. I could continue to be on my own for a while. It wouldn’t be as depressing as it sounds. I made it this far after all. I have good friends and a fulfilling job.
And maybe someday, I would meet someone new.
Right now, I don’t want someone new, but it won’t be like that forever. I hope not anyway.
I jump when I look at the clock. I’ve been sitting still and frantically mulling over the facets of this decision for too long. I’m not going to come up with a solution today. Or even tomorrow.
And I definitely need to call for back-up.
As I grab my phone, I have the strangest urge to call David. I know it would be weird, but of all the people in the world, I want to talk it over with him.
It’s so easy to be upfront with David. To say what I mean. And to trust that he is going to say what he means back. There’s no hiding or self-denial. David knows himself way better than most people my age, including Logan. If David ever said he loved me, he would mean it. He wouldn’t just mean that he was comfortable with me, which is what I fear Logan means when he declares his love.
Earlier today, in David’s office, as difficult as our situation was, it was still so easy to discuss it. I didn’t hesitate to voice my concerns or stumble over my sentences. Neither did he.
That’s why I want to tell him all about Logan and explain how confused I am. I could rely on David to give me sound advice.
I shake my head. It’s not fair to call David right now just to talk about possibly getting back with my ex.
And, David isn’t my only source of sound advice.
I grab my phone and navigate to my friend group text. I message them asking if we can move brunch to tomorrow instead of the traditional Sunday. I have major life updates and need their counsel as soon as possible.
They all agree with alacrity, but as soon as we nailed down a time for Saturday morning, they start badgering me for hints.
I tell them there is no way I’m going to discuss this over text. It needs to be an in-person conversation.
Marianne doesn’t stop guessing: It’s David isn’t it??? You slept with him again. Pl
ease tell me he wants you back!
I roll my eyes. She’s going to faint in shock when she discovers she’s only half right. None of them, not a single one, will have foreseen Logan’s return.
For a while, they all predicted he would want me back. I didn’t believe them. No one could just throw away a three-year relationship, and then change their mind at the drop of a hat.
Beatrice said Logan was going through some sort of quarter-life crisis, and he would probably show back up in my life with a half-shaved head or a tattoo, asking for me to take him back. Marianne agreed and said that Logan was never going to land a girl as pretty as me.
Zoe pointed out, about a week after our break-up, that Logan had clearly developed a blind spot when it came to himself. He thought he could do better.
“He can’t do better than you,” Zoe said. “Once he realizes that, he’ll be knocking at your door, tail between his scrawny legs.”
I would have written her comments off as just a friend trying to hype me up and give me self-confidence, but Zoe doesn’t do that. She’s like David in a way. She only says something if she means it.
So for a while, I thought Logan would come back. Every time my phone buzzed with a text, a little flower of hope would sprout up in my heart.
Month after month passed, and he didn’t return. My friends bashed him over and over, and they no longer hypothesized that he would want me back.
Now there’s no way they see this coming.
As stressed as I am about all the choices I need to make (or not make), I have to smile when I imagine their faces tomorrow morning.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I get to brunch ten minutes early, which is normal for me. What’s not normal is Marianne already being at the table when I arrive.
She waves at me as I cross the restaurant.
I sit down across from her and give her a quizzical gaze. “I think this is the first time you’ve ever beat me to brunch.”
“Do I get a prize?” Marianne flashes a saucy grin. “Like, for example, you telling me what this new super exciting David-oriented life update is?”
“I’ll tell you once everyone is here,” I say. “It’s a complicated update, and I’m not going to repeat it three times.”
Marianne rolls her eyes. “I highly doubt it’s as complicated as you say it is.”
“Oh, trust me, it is.”
Marianne cocks her head at my wry tone, but before she can pester me anymore, Zoe zips into the restaurant, her dark eyes alight with curiosity.
“So spill.” Zoe barks at me from her seat next to Marianne. She turns and smiles at the approaching waitress. “Four coffees please.”
We come to this brunch place often. They all know us, and they all know that Zoe likes to be efficient and order the drinks as soon as she can, so the waitress just nods and heads to grab the mugs from the back.
“I’m waiting until Beatrice gets here.” I try not to be cowed by Zoe’s scathing expression, and I look over the menu instead. Not that I need it. We eat here so often that I have the options memorized.
“I still don’t understand why you couldn’t have texted us the details,” Zoe says. “That way we could have prepared plans of attack.”
“Why do you think this is a situation that requires an attack?” I ask.
“You know what I mean.” Zoe waves her hand. “We could have used the evening to come up with solutions for whatever the problem is.”
Zoe loves coming up with solutions. The more difficult and nuanced the problem is, the more fun she has drafting out a twenty-step plan of action.
I’m afraid her skills won’t be useful here. Every single course of action could have dire consequences. And at the end of the day, my friends can’t make the decision for me. This comes down to me. I’m the one who has to choose.
Bea’s arrival puts Zoe and Marianne out of their misery. Bea sits down next to me, and we all gladly accept our coffee and place our orders.
“Alright, no more hedging,” Marianne declares. “Tell us everything.”
I sigh, but I can’t help the smile that creeps over my face as I start at the beginning. “David showed up at my office yesterday.”
Marianne squeals so loud that the surrounding tables look over, and I blush in embarrassment. Beatrice and Zoe both contain themselves, clearly waiting to hear more.
“What did he say?” Marianne asks. “What did he do?”
“He said he didn’t want to give up,” I say. “But that doesn’t fix all the issues – he admitted it is going to take time for Amy to adjust to the idea, and he wanted me to think things over and decide if I wanted to give it a shot.”
“That’s all?” Beatrice raises one auburn eyebrow, and I avoid her eye contact.
“He sounds like he’s got his head on straight,” Zoe says. “He’s smart enough to want Elena, but he’s practical enough to not rush headlong into a relationship without thinking it through.”
“Ok, Zoe, they’re not selecting which auto insurance to use, this is love we’re talking about.” Marianne clasps her hands together and leans forward. “You told him you want him too, right?”
“No, Marianne, I need the time,” I say. “I need to consider what’s best for me, him and his kids. And I need to decide if I’m willing to give it a try even if I know it might not work out. If Amy or Kate can’t adjust to me and David being together, we won’t force them to be unhappy.”
“But that’s the case with every relationship.” Bea raises her hand when I shoot her a dubious look. Not every relationship can affect living and breathing children. “Sure, maybe kids aren’t part of the equation right off the bat, but there’s always the chance something might not work out. If people just decided not to give any relationship a shot because things could happen and it might not work, we would all be spinsters.”
“Doesn’t sound too bad to me,” Zoe mutters. “In fact, I bet society as a whole would be far more peaceful and productive.”
“You’re crazy.” Marianne shakes her head at Zoe before turning back to me. “I’m with Bea. If you don’t get with David, you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting it. Now please tell me he at least kissed you in the office.”
I twist my hands in my napkin and bite back a smile. “He did a little more than kiss me.”
Once again, Marianne shrieks, and I blush in mortification.
“Ok, you need to shut up,” Zoe says.
“Seriously, do you want a xanax or something?” Bea chuckles as she observes Marianne’s agitated state.
“I’m sorry.” Marianne lowers her voice, but she’s still bouncing with excitement. “I’m just excited. So does this mean you’re officially with David? Or are you just taking a few days to keep him in suspense or what?”
“I’m not with him.” I note that Marianne isn’t the only one who looks dejected at this. “And there’s more.”
“More than a liaison in your office?” Zoe asks.
We pause as our food arrives. I take the opportunity to gather my thoughts. I know my friends are not going to react well to this.
Once the plates are set before us, I pick up my fork and twirl it in my hand. My friends take bites of their food, but their eyes are still on me.
“I walked home last evening, and Logan was waiting outside my building.”
My words are met with utter and complete silence. The atmosphere freezes over in an instance.
The silence is broken when Marianne’s fork clatters against her plate. Her face twists into a sour expression. “I’ve lost my appetite.”
“At first I thought he just wanted to pick up some of his shirts he left behind,” I say. “But he told me he wants to get back together.”
My friends all look at me in horror. I can tell what they’re thinking. They know I’m a bit of a pushover, but am I this much of an idiot?
“Look, I know Logan isn’t as great as I thought he was, I know that.” I place my hands flat on the table as I try to sort through my t
houghts. “And honestly, I think he misses me because I was easy for him. We were comfortable. And that’s why I missed him so much to be honest. But I definitely don’t want us to go back to how we were.”
“You shouldn’t go back to him, full stop.” Zoe has reached her limit of listening in silence. “The way he dumped you was not so cool. And how do you know he won’t do it again?”
“I’m not defending his actions,” I say. “But I do think he’s learned to appreciate me.”
“Ok, so maybe you would be good for another year. Maybe another five years.” Zoe’s sharp shoulders rise and fall in the air. “What about in twenty year? Is he gonna gain a little weight, start to lose his hair, and then spiral into a mid-life crisis and go out and sleep with a twenty-year-old?”
“I think you’re being a little dramatic.”
“I don’t think so,” Bea says, her eyes sparkling with humor. “Logan is the exact type to freak out over a receding hairline.”
I try not to laugh, but I can’t stop myself. Beatrice has a point. Logan isn’t exactly vain, but he does fuss over his hair, and I know he’s already insecure about how thin it is.
“So what did you do?” Marianne asks. “I hope you slapped him right across the face.”
“I told him I couldn’t just get back together with him, I needed to think about it,” I say. “Which I know you guys have thoughts on, but I do want to take the time to process this. I spent the last six months wishing for him back, and I need to explore why I feel the need to use people like a security blanket. It wasn’t just about love with Logan, it was about my comfort zone.”
“Ok, but then did you slap him? After saying that?”
I give Marianne a soft smile and shake my head. “If you ever see him again, I give you permission to slap him.”
“I’ll remember that,” Marianne says.
Bea finishes chewing a bit of her eggs and places her fork on the table. “So, it’s come down to a choice: David or Logan.”
“Or neither,” Zoe adds.