by Staci Hart
"They are. He just hopped a plane, used his leave to fly here because he knew Wade needed him." She shook her head and sighed. "I'm so glad Wade has him. He needs someone so badly."
My chest ached, deep inside where she couldn't see.
Sophie picked up a chair and smirked at me, changing the subject. "Did you see Lou?"
I chuckled as we hauled the chairs out. "Hello, nurse."
She laughed. "Seems like she's already given up on Wade."
"Thou art not false, but thou art fickle," I recited.
"Byron?"
"He knew his stuff."
"Well, good riddance on that front anyway. Cousins dating? That's straight out of an Austen novel."
I laughed again, surprised at how quickly we all found relief, as if we'd been waiting on something to bring us back up to the surface.
When we entered the room, Wade approached, taking the chairs from us, changed once again. The heaviness of our exchange during the walk had dissipated, gone without a trace. I marveled over him smiling at his friend as they sat.
Ben laughed. "I don't know why you look so surprised to see me."
"Me neither, but I sure am glad you're here."
"Me too, brother."
Rick shifted to sit a little straighter in bed. "How long are you here, Ben?"
"Two weeks, or until I run out of money."
"You'll stay with us. No arguments."
Ben's smile slipped when he and Wade shared a look: Ben's was one of uncertainty and Wade's told him to just accept it. "I booked a room, so you don't have to worry about me."
"Indulge me," Rick insisted. "We've got room. Stay."
Wade nodded. "You should stay. It's all right."
Ben nodded once in return. "As long as you promise to tell me if you need me to go."
"Deal."
Lou perked up in her seat next to me on the couch. "We'll add one more to the list for dinner then."
Ben's brow rose, and he rested a hand on his flat belly. "Home cooked meals too? You guys are going to spoil me."
Rick laughed. "Get used to it. They're all in spoil mode. Watch out, or you might even get sponge baths."
"Only if I'm lucky," Ben said with a smirk.
"So," Lou started, crossing her long legs, "you two were stationed together in Afghanistan?"
Ben nodded, leaning back in his seat. "Deployed, for three years at a tiny base in an outer province. I never missed civilization so much."
"What," Wade cut in, "not a fan of packs of wild dogs?"
Ben snorted. "Yeah, nothing like thirty starving dogs running after you. I thought I was done for a couple of times."
"Wild dogs?" Lou asked, brows up.
"It's the wilderness. Not for the faint of heart. Life on a FOB isn't exactly glamorous," Ben said with a chuckle.
"FOB?" Sadie's brow quirked.
"Forward Operating Base," Wade explained. "We built huts out of wood for those who thought they were too good for a tent."
"You didn't have beds or anything?" Her words were disbelieving.
Wade shrugged. "Just threw a sleeping bag over a shipping crate, or some of us built beds, but for the most part, nah."
Ben shook his head. "I still have nightmares about veggie omelet MREs."
"Psh, those aren't near as bad as Captain Country Chicken."
Ben made a face. "I only had one of those once, and you're right. It was the worst, only because it would burn your colon to the ground."
"Remember when Billings showed up as our new 'Terp? You fed him an omelet, and he only made it three bites before puking."
"Oh, man," Ben said with a laugh. "I forgot about old Billings. He was a damn good interpreter."
"Was?" Sophie asked, and Ben's face tightened.
"IED."
My stomach sank, and my eyes found Wade, imagining all the things he'd seen, all that he'd been through, the normalization of war. But his eyes were on Ben as he changed the subject.
"Germany is easy though. Feels like the Ritz compared to life on a FOB."
"So much beer. I actually had to start working out again because my pants were tight." He leaned back and patted his stomach for emphasis.
"Ah, to live in Europe, though," Rick said wistfully.
"Where would you have lived?" I asked Rick with a smile.
"Well," he looked up to the ceiling in thought, "Rome, I think. For a while at least. I'd have liked to move around, a city a year. Abby and I went after we graduated. Best summer of my life."
An idea sparked in my heart. I prodded for details. "What other places do you wish you could see again?"
He sighed, still smiling, and Wade caught my eye, his face full of curiosity. "So many. Fiji — we went there on our honeymoon. Or the Adirondacks. We had a cabin there, do you remember?" he asked his children, who brightened at the mention.
"We haven't been there in so long," Sadie said.
"I remember camping in those woods as a boy," Rick continued. "Some of my most cherished childhood memories were made there."
The doorbell rang, and Wade stood to answer it, coming back with the nurse, effectively clearing the room while she went about her business. I made my way into the kitchen to make coffee, and everyone followed, none of us knowing where else to go. But I was giddy as the idea not only formed, but bloomed.
Sadie pulled down mugs as I filled up the pot.
"I have an idea," I said quietly, smiling at the prospect of what I was about to propose.
"What's that?" Sadie asked as Wade and Ben sat down at the island next to her.
"What if we bring all of his favorite places to him?"
A slow smile spread across Sophie's face. "Elliot, you're a genius."
"We can bring Italy to him. Fiji. Camping. We can get a tent, roast marshmallows. Recreate his memories. Make new ones. Do you think he'd like it?"
As I looked everyone over, Wade smiled at me, and I found I couldn't breathe. "It's perfect," he said.
I felt bright, as if I were shining. "Then let's start today. We'll need a few days to plan it, I think. We can get a planetarium to project stars. Oh!" I straightened up with excitement. "Christmas trees."
Sophie nodded enthusiastically and hiss-whispered, "Yes! I bet we can find some plastic trees on clearance from the holidays."
I leaned in, smiling conspiratorially. "We'll bring him a forest."
Sadie beamed. "He's going to be so surprised. It's brilliant."
"I hope he loves it. I hope it makes him happy," I said, already tallying the things I'd need in my head, excited to have a way to celebrate him, to bring him joy while we could.
We sat in the kitchen, drinking coffee and making plans. Wade was happy and smiling, the afternoon forgotten, his apology lightening my heart. His laughter, his joy at Ben and the camping trip — it reminded me of a time years ago when he was like this every day. I wondered again over all the things that had changed him, hardened him, wondered just how bad it had been to erase him so completely.
The nurse came in a little while later to let us know she was leaving and Rick was resting. With my new objective, I decided to leave, anxious to get started so we could give him our gift as soon as possible as the little voice in the back of my mind whispered, Time.
I felt lighter, happier as I walked home. What a strange day it had been — I recounted the moments. Meeting Ben. Our surprise for Rick. Wade. Walking with him, touching him, being seen by him in a way that no one had in years, even if it was hard, even though it hurt. The invisible girl, visible again, but only to him.
Of course, the second I opened the door to Mary's, I was invisible again. I found everyone in the living room, sisters and father on the couch talking while Charlie sat in his armchair, chatting with his friend Jack, who lay on the ground on his back covered in giggling children.
I smiled at the scene, and Sammy chanted Uncle Jack! until Jack tickled him. Dad shot him a look at the burst of noise, but Jack didn't seem to mind, making punching sounds as h
e tickle-assaulted the little boy. Jack smiled when he saw me.
"Hey, Elliot."
Maven squealed and ran over to me, and I picked her up.
"Hi," I said before kissing her on the cheek. Jack sat up, and Sammy proceeded to climb up his back.
"How's Rick?" Charlie asked, and my sisters and father quieted down to listen.
"He's good. His speech has improved, and there was a lot of excitement today. A friend of Wade's flew in from Germany to stay for a while and help out. Rick seemed so happy to have everyone there."
Jack's eyes softened. "I'm really sorry to hear what happened, Elliot."
"Thank you," I answered politely as I took a seat on the floor with Maven, who toddled off, picked up a Barbie from her little toy box, and brought it to me with a new dress to wear. Dad started talking to Mary again, still without acknowledging me, and I was thankful for Charlie and Jack's company at least. "What are you doing over, Jack?"
He smirked at Charlie, eyes darting to Mary for a flash before landing on me. "Charlie called in the cavalry," he said under his breath.
"Ah," I said with a chuckle. "My condolences."
"The things I do for love."
He smiled a handsome smile from his long face, his blue eyes twinkling. I'd known him for years, and though he'd never paid me much attention, he'd always been kind, providing friendly conversation and sometimes a safe haven from the exhaustion of socializing with my sister. When it was the four of us, it was easier — Mary was outnumbered. Rather than argue with us, she drank.
"So your friend's dad, he's really doing okay?"
"He's in good spirits," I answered as I worked the Barbie's stiff hands through blue, sparkly dress sleeves. "We're just spending as much time with him as we can. We came up with a plan today to bring the world to him, starting with an indoor camping trip. I've got a list of things to get for it."
Jack perked up. "Oh yeah? I've got a ton of gear, what do you need?"
"A tent, sleeping bags, camping chairs, that sort of thing. I want to get some other stuff too, like there's a shop that sells candles that smell like pine trees, and I need to find a star projector for the ceiling. We want to turn the library into the Adirondacks."
Jack smiled with appreciation. "That's brilliant. I've got a lot of the gear, and I think I know where we can get what I don't have. When were you wanting it by?"
"Tomorrow is the day to get everything together, if we can. Then I think we're planning on actually setting it up the next night."
"Well, I'm off work tomorrow. Want to go together? We can go shop, then swing by my place and grab everything."
"Oh, that would be so great." Relief settled in at the thought of having a little help and company.
He winked at me. "It's a date. I'll be here at ten."
I felt myself blush with surprise, certain he didn't mean it like it sounded. "Thanks, Jack."
"Anytime."
Dad and my sisters were quiet, listening to us. Dad looked approving with wall-eyed Rodrigo on his lap shivering, and Beth looked at me like she couldn't understand why anyone would even be talking to me. Mary had an unreadable expression on her face, which she hid behind her wine glass as she took a long pull.
Jack cleared his throat. "Well, I really should head out."
Charlie shot him a look. "Please. Stay for dinner."
"Oh, I don't know. I wouldn't want to impose." He flipped Sammy over his shoulder and into his lap to commence his tickling again.
"It wouldn't be an imposition," Mary added sweetly. "We're having roasted chicken, and I'm sure we'll have leftovers for days if you don't stay and eat."
He shrugged. "Twist my arm."
Mary smiled. "Great. Elliot, since you're home, do you mind cooking?"
I smiled back, ignoring the fact that she'd placed that responsibility on me deliberately. I was grateful for another room I could occupy, complete with four walls and no father. The no father part was certain — I didn't think he even knew how to use an oven.
"I don't mind at all," I said as I stood, depositing Maven in Charlie's lap.
"Need some help?" Jack asked.
"Oh, I'll manage."
"You sure? I make a mean herb rub, and I love to help."
I laughed. "Well, if you really want to rub herbs, I won't be the one to stop you."
"Thank you for not dashing my dreams. Lead the way." He extended his hand for me to go first as my immediate family watched, gaping, even the dog. Well, all except for Charlie, who looked pleased as punch.
The kitchen was quiet, and I turned on music as Jack retrieved the chicken from the fridge, making it do a little dance once he got it into the dish. He rolled up his sleeves and melted butter to go along with those mysterious herbs, chatting with me as he rubbed the bird down, all while I peeled potatoes and carrots.
It was nice, the time spent not thinking about Rick, not thinking about my family, just making dinner and laughing with a friend. It had been a long time since a man had been so companionable, putting himself in my space with intention, though I didn't know what exactly that was. I hoped it was just that he knew I needed a friend, because I did. I was certain it was nothing more than that, and that was lucky — I didn't know how to give of myself just then. But deep down, I reveled in the thought of being wanted, of being seen by someone who wanted to see me, who saw me without pain in his eyes. And in that, the moment was a rare gift.
Wade
I stood in the guest room on the lower floor, unable to stop smiling as I shuffled things around to make room for Ben, my surprise over his arrival still fresh hours later. He seemed to be pretty proud of himself for pulling the whole thing off, and so was I. My burden had been lifted by his presence alone.
He looked around the room. "Well, I've gotta say, this is way better than the Airbnb I booked."
"And this way, you're close."
"And fed," he added.
I chuckled as I pushed a couple of boxes into the hallway. "Yes, and fed."
Ben sat on the bed and bounced a couple of times before inspecting the comforter. "So, Elliot's pretty."
"Just gonna jump right in, are you?"
He shrugged. "Would you expect anything else?"
I sighed as I leaned against the doorframe. "No, but I can hope."
"Were you guys somewhere together when you came home or was your showing up together just a coincidence?"
"We were on a walk. An uncomfortable walk."
"Why'd you agree to go if it was so uncomfortable?"
"I asked her in the first place."
One of his eyebrows rose in question.
"I don't even know why I asked her to walk with me. I just …" I pursed my lips, wetting them from the inside. "Everything is just so intense. With Dad, with her. So much has happened, and I can't sort through how I feel about any of it, partly because it changes from one second to the next. Things with her are …" I fumbled for the words again, frustrated that I couldn't verbalize how I felt. "Things are changing, which I knew was inevitable. It's part of why I don't want to be around her. How am I supposed to deal with how I feel about her right now?"
"I don't know, but it doesn't look like you're ignoring them very well either."
"No, I'm not. I want to be around her, but I don't know how. I want to ignore her, but I don't know how to do that either. So I asked her to walk with me and it was a disaster."
"Define disaster. Like, trip-and-fall-with-a-side-of-accidental-groping disaster? Or like a why-did-you-break-my-heart-and-ruin-my-life kind of disaster?"
"Closer to the latter, though with less honesty." I ran a hand over my face, feeling the unfamiliar scratch of stubble against my palm. "I don't know how to hold up the versions of who she was, who she is, and who I remember against each other to figure out what's real."
He nodded thoughtfully. "That's fair. So take it one day at a time and sort it out as you go."
"But today I pushed her. I hurt her. I said too much because I don't know how
to be around her. I have too many feelings and none of them agree with each other."
"But you did say you want to be around her, right?"
I thought back to her hands in mine last night, even back to that afternoon when she was pressed against my chest, my words sinking into her heart as I spoke them. "She brought me comfort in a moment when I needed it very much. I can't deny that I still care about her —" The word love was on the tip of my tongue, too strong, too real. "—but I'm still hurt and angry and …" I huffed and ran a hand through my hair. "Nothing makes sense. I'm winging everything."
"You've got to just talk to her."
"Easy. I'll get right on that."
"I mean it, Wade. All that stuff you don't want to say, you've just got to say it, and then you've got to listen to her say all that stuff you don't want to hear."
I squirmed, shifting to offset the feeling. "I don't know how. I've bottled it all up for so long that I don't even know where to begin."
"Well, then you just have to jump." The honesty in his face was a small comfort. He believed his words, and he believed in me, even if it wasn't warranted.
He had faith. I didn't.
"We'll see, I suppose."
"Look, it's the perfect opportunity. She's busy tomorrow, so you've got a whole day to psych yourself up, and then she'll be here the whole day after. There will be time at some point." I must not have looked convinced, because he added, "Just think about it."
I didn't agree, but I didn't disagree, just switched gears to making sure he had what he needed before I ducked out of his room to ascend to mine. As I lay in bed in the dark, I imagined saying all the things I wanted to say, imagined every scenario, and one decision rose to the top of them all: it would have to be said, and it would have to be heard. And I held the power to take that step, even if it took me over the edge and into the sweet darkness of nothing.
11
Never Prepared
And when you think
That you have found
Your feet planted firmly
And your heart sound
That is when the moment
You trip,
Fall,
And hit the ground.