****
Donna and I continue to talk for about an hour. Then, Allen decides to take me back to the hotel. Allen had always been the “other” father figure in my life. What I couldn’t talk to Dave about, I could tell Allen. Well, except I can’t talk to anyone about cutting.
As Allen’s talking about how much he’s going to miss Sarah, he says he wants to talk to me without offending me. This has my curiosity going.
“Allen, you know you can talk to me about anything.” I say. I figure he wants to talk more about Sarah.
“I want to tell you, I know your and Sarah’s deepest secret.”
What! There’s no way! How did he find out? Sarah never wrote a single word in any of her journals about cutting. Well, as far as I know anyway.
“What do you mean?” I say, trying to sound like I don’t know what he’s talking about.
“I know Sarah and you were into that cutting.”
I can’t say anything. My mind’s blank, so I sit quietly.
“Please, don’t tell anyone.” I finally say, not knowing what else to utter.
“I want to know why? Please explain to me why someone would want to cause pain to themselves and do it every day? Sometimes three to four times a day. I don’t plan on telling anyone. I’m asking you as a father, who lost his only daughter, to stop while you can.”
“I honestly don’t know what to say.”
“I’d like for you to say… you’ll stop.” Allen says glancing at me.
“Honestly, Landon and you are the only ones that know I do it. I’ve been trying to quit. To answer your question about why….I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for me. It’s mainly pain. Sarah and I started when we were about to start our second year in junior high. The things the kids put us through were insane.”
“What kind of things?”
“Sarah and I had a really hard time. Our appearances had a lot to do with it. The way we dressed. We liked wearing black finger nail polish, black clothes, and… well you know! The girls in our class didn’t like it. They spread rumors that we were witches. They kept saying we didn’t believe in God and we were the spawn of Satan.”
“Why would you let these words get to you when all the ones who love you knew the truth? Everything these girls were saying... were just words.”
“When you’re in school, the words hurt more than anything. Without realizing it, these girls were changing our lives and the lives of those they made fun of forever! They thought it was funny. I would love for those who were popular to experience what we did. They’d always get mad at us for no reason. But, they believed we cast spells on them and we made sure their grades were bad. Therefore, we constantly were pushed around, and they made things up about us.”
“Why didn’t you tell a teacher, the principal or even us parents?”
“When you bring in bigger authorities, it only makes it worse. I remember this one time when Sarah and I were in homeroom. This girl and her friends were sitting in the back of the room. Everything was going well. We all were waiting for breakfast to be over so we could go to our first period class. This girl, who seemed like the leader of the pack, came up to Sarah. She started yelling at her, saying Sarah was talking about her. The girl told us she didn’t like when someone was talking about her. She told us when she found out; the person that was doing the talking would pay.” I ramble like I’m sitting in the classroom as it’s happening again.
“That sounds like an empty threat.”
“Oh, but they weren’t. She took a tablet laying on my desk and hit Sarah over the head with it. She called her nasty names and told her there was more to come. She told her to watch her back. Every day after that, Sarah was tortured. I tried to stop them but it brought me in on it too. They started doing the same things to me. All I was trying to do was protect my friend.” I admit to him.
“It’s no wonder kids are dropping out of school these days. I think schools don’t know what discipline is,” he says, trying to give a reason to the girl’s actions.
“The school is part of it. The other is how the kids are raised. More and more they’re overtaking their parents from the lack of discipline. I think it all starts at home.” I add.
“Yes, that’s true. But it’s no excuse to hurt yourself like the two of you did.” He replies, looking directly at me.
“It helps. The anger and pain from the day build up. By the end of the day, the pain’s too much. I just can’t take it. Please don’t think I am crazy, but after awhile it feels like darkness takes over.” I explain.
“Darkness?”
“It’s hard to explain. The darkness does so much and the only way to control it...is to cut. It’s hard to breathe. Your heart speeds up, your hands get sweaty, your vision becomes blurred. Then, it feels like you’re going to pass out until you let all the pressure out by cutting.”
“Amber, I think you should see a doctor. They can help you before you hurt yourself or worse.” He says fearfully.
“I don’t want to be labeled as crazy. I know I’m not. I understand cutting isn’t normal, but it became normal to Sarah and me.”
“All right.” Allen says, more concerned.
“How did you find out?” I asked.
“I’m the one that got the autopsy report. Donna only knows what I told her. I decided to keep this from her because she has enough to get through right now. It’s harder for me to let Sarah go because I didn’t know her reasons for cutting. I don’t understand now. The scars on her body were self inflicted. They explained that several of the cuts were just a few days old and still healing.”
“They can tell that?” I ask surprised. Who would’ve known?
“Sweetie, they can find out anything about your life when they really want to. There’s nothing in your life they won’t eventually find out.”
I honestly didn’t know. It completely takes me by surprise and shocks me. The fact that Allen knows bothers me. I never wanted anyone other than Landon to know. I’m sure Sarah wouldn’t be happy. I know she wouldn’t ever choose for her mother to know.
“Allen, promise me you won’t tell Donna, ever.”
“I don’t plan on it. I don’t want her blaming herself even more for Sarah’s death. She already thinks Sarah was upset with her life for some reason. Did you know she was using pills?”
“No, I didn’t. When I was here, we were too scared to even try them. We promised each other it’d never be an issue. No... matter... what. This really surprised me.” I say honestly.
Allen and I talk for a little while longer after we arrive at the hotel. I found out Allen knew more about Sarah than I thought. He knew more about me too. He seems to be cool about the things he confronted me with.
When we’re done talking, he tells me he’ll see me tomorrow and he drives home. I walk up to my room, getting out my key and unlocking the door then step inside. I stayed about three hours after Landon, Casey, and Patrick left, so I am without a doubt, happy to see them.
Chapter Ten
Landon’s the only one who is awake.
“They tried to wait for you, but didn’t make it.” Landon says, as he motions towards the bed.
“That’s all right.” I whisper.
“What’s that?” Landon asks, referring to the scrapbooks in my hands.
“These are scrapbooks Sarah and I put together over the past several years.” I tell him. “Donna thought it’s only right to give them to me. I think it’s too soon and she’s not thinking right. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful she let me take them, but I think she will want them back.”
“Maybe, Donna has her own photo albums of Sarah and these are ones only you can relate to.” Landon says, trying to make me feel better.
I walk over to the small round table, which sits in the corner of our room, and lay the books down. I take a quick glance around to see if the room was as nice as the receptionist said. The floor has very soft off-white carpet. There are two double size beds, a dresser with a smal
l TV on it, and a night stand that sits between the beds.
Between the dresser and the chair that goes to the table sits a small apartment sized fridge. The room has a modern look to it. There are several pretty paintings hung around the room.
I walk down the small hallway which leads to the bathroom. There’s a vanity shelf to the left side of the hall and the sinks are on the right. Once you get to the end of the small hallway, a door opens which leads to a shower and toilet.
It’s not bad; looks a lot better than the other ones we stayed in when Mom, Dave, and I were traveling.
“Do you mind if I look at them?” Landon asks with a sense of curiosity, because he has never seen pictures of Sarah. He wants to put a face to her name and when he was at Donna’s, he didn’t pay attention to the pictures.
“Actually, I’m going to sit down and take a look,” I answer. “Sarah and I made these when we were younger. She took some of our pictures and I took the others. We didn’t see each other’s books because we were going to exchange them when we graduated from college.” I explain that as I remembered Sarah’s words when she said them.
“That’s cool. I’ve never really heard of someone doing that before.”
I sit with Landon at the tiny white table, making sure we keep our voices low so we don’t wake up Casey and Patrick. Looking closer at the front of the colorful book, I notice Sarah put the years the pictures were taken. I scan through them to find the oldest. This marks the beginning of our friendship.
The first picture is our births and seeing it touches my heart. I never thought about doing my books by years like Sarah had. As we look at the pictures, I tell Landon the stories that go with them.
“Just like you see in the movies, Sarah and I were born in the same hospital. Donna was in labor right across the hall from my mom. Sarah was born first which makes her older. She always said it made her wiser. Honestly, it was only a five minute difference between us.”
“What are the chances of that happening outside of Hollywood?” Landon asks. “That’s quite unique.”
“It’s a true story. Anyway, Sarah and I didn’t meet at the hospital. Donna knew my mom a little. She only saw her on occasion in the hall during her stay. Donna didn’t get to leave with Sarah, the same time as my mom did with me. Sarah was under weight and too early. She was younger than me technically. She wasn’t due for another two months. Donna went into labor too soon and the doctors couldn’t stop her labor. They told Donna it was safer and Sarah may have not lasted two more months inside the womb.”
“That’s interesting. So, when did you officially meet each other?”
“Well, Donna lived three blocks down the road. Mom liked to stop by at Donna’s room before she left because they became friends before my mom was discharged. During the stay, Mom found out where they lived and agreed to have play dates when Sarah was released. Donna called Mom when she was home. This was the official meeting with Sarah and me.”
“As you see here we’re meeting for the first time. Donna took these pictures because Mom didn’t have a camera at the time.”
Landon scowled. “Let me make sure I have this right … Sarah came home and you were already at your house. Donna gave them to Sarah and that’s how they ended up in this book?
“Yeah,” I reply to Landon’s weird question. It seems like he didn’t believe me. It makes me feel weird because out of all the people in my life, I figured Landon would be the last to question anything I tell him.
“Here we were playing. There’s a big gap because after our first meeting, my Mom babysat for Donna. Sarah was at our house all the time. I started staying with Donna when my dad left. To this day I think that…my Mom was messing around on….” I decided not to finish my thought.
“I know what you were going to say.” Landon put in so I didn’t have to continue the sentence.
“Yeah, anyway if you look at the book I made, it all takes place at my house until we were around a year old.”
I keep flipping through the pages of my broken memories and explain the pictures. As we’re looking, we come across one picture that threw me off. Sarah and I are playing in a small baby pool. My Mom and Donna are sitting by us, and there are two guys in the background cooking on a grill. I know one of the guys is Allen but the other looks like Alex, Casey’s dad.
When we finish, the last book has several pictures of us right before I moved away. I feel my chest growing tight. The memories are too much. By the time I’m finished, I look over at Landon and see he’s sleeping.
“Landon, go get in bed.” I say gently, so I don’t startle him.
It doesn’t take him long to listen to me, which is odd. It usually takes me forever to wake him up or for him to hear what I’m saying.
As he’s getting comfortable, he asks, “You coming to lie down?”
“Actually, I’m going to take a shower,” I tell him. I need time to think about that picture I saw in the book.
****
It doesn’t take me long to shower even though I can’t stop thinking about the guy that looks like Alex. I don’t know, maybe my eyes are messing with me. It’s been a day since I slept, and I need some before facing this stuff with Sarah.
It feels like it takes forever to fall asleep. After lying in bed for an hour, I finally manage to sleep.
Chapter Eleven
The house looks too familiar. As I turn the corner, I see someone lying on the floor. Without delay I realize it’s Sarah. It’s hard for me to see, but there are several things in the room which stand out. I see a white book shelf, which matches the other furniture in the room. On the shelves, the scrapbooks stick out.
I realize everything in this room is black and white, except for the scrapbook. They are the only things in the room that has color.
I run to the closet and the same boxes I moved earlier are in color too. I bend down to move the boxes. I move the small piece of the wall that hides Sarah’s cutting tools. The tools aren’t there but there’s a piece of paper; I pull it out. Opening it up, I see there are words written on it. Once it was fully unwrapped, I can read it:
Dear Amber,
I want to thank you so much for all you’ve done to help my mom and dad through my death. I know this is really hard for you to do, but I know deep down inside you can handle it. I want to thank you for removing my “tools” before Mom found them. Please don’t worry about me. I’m a lot better now than I was my entire time on earth. Heaven is exactly how I pictured it to be and more. I’m at peace now, and I couldn’t be happier. I love you Amber, and I always will.
Your Best Friend, Sarah
I fold up the note and slip it into my pocket. In an odd way, this sends love and comfort through my body. I replace everything in the closet, I return to the room to find Sarah’s body isn’t lying there anymore.
I decide to toddle down to the family room to discover what else I can find. When I enter the room, I don’t see anything out of the ordinary. Everything’s in place. I walk over to a picture of Sarah from her sixteenth birthday. Her dress was made for this party and especially for her. Allen made sure she felt like a princess. She liked the pink, girly girl look at this time. Well, we both did. This is when we tried changing our look to fit in and see if that made a difference in how the girls treated us. Needless to say, it didn’t.
Just as I turn around, the TV comes on and it’s loud. I can’t even hear myself think. I jump when I see what’s on. It’s the tape Allen and Donna made for Sarah for her third birthday and mine too. We shared our party. As I watch the tape, I notice the same guy that was in the picture, is on this tape too. Who in the hell is he?
We have the same outfits, ate the same cake, and got pretty much the same gifts. This was the party that tied us together. This was the time everyone said we would grow to be sisters, and we did.
“Amber...”
I hear a gentle and calming voice coming from the doorway. I turn to see Sarah standing there. I don’t know how to react; I just
stand there. I’m not sure if I should talk to her or if it’s just my mind messing with me. A few moments go by and I decide I need to talk to her.
“Sarah.” I say wearily.
“Please don’t feel bad for me.” Sarah starts to say. “I’m happier now. I don’t feel the pain or darkness anymore. This was for the best.”
“Before you go on, answer me a few questions. Why? What happened? What went wrong?” I ask her.
“I fell into a deep depression when you moved. I tried calling you several times, but hung up before the phone connected. I didn’t want to seem like I was bothering you.”
“Sarah, you could never do that! We are sisters.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose. It just kind of happened. I was trying to take away my really bad headache. The bottle I got them from didn’t say how many to take. I started with one, and it didn’t do anything. I took another, still the same thing. The third, and then the fourth. After I took the fourth, my body seemed to take control all on its own. The next thing I knew, well… here I am. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just wanted my headache to go away. Don’t feel bad for me. I am free.”
“It’s good to know the truth. I miss you. We all do. And…” I begin to say, but Sarah cuts me off.
“I don’t have much time. I want you to know that Landon is good. He will be your husband one day. You may not believe me but just watch. Tell Patrick that Stacey is a good girl. Amber, she’s going through the same thing we did. She needs you. Don’t let him push her away. Casey will be fine. She’ll move on. Hopefully, we can talk again soon. I’m sorry, but I have to go now. Love you bunches lil sis!”
That was it; she disappeared. I fell to the floor sobbing. I cry harder than I ever have. My hands start shaking. I don’t want her to go. I want her to stay. I want her to live!
Chapter Twelve
“Amber, wake up. We’re going to be late!” Landon says, waking me up.
Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series) Page 7