Wild Thoughts

by Charity Ferrell

  “I love him.”

  “You can fix it. You can be with him.”

  “I can’t. It’ll never work out between us, and the longer it goes on, the harder the pain will be when it falls apart. He’s on tour, Mia. He’s traveling all over the world with girls throwing themselves at him every three seconds. Do you honestly think he’s going to stay celibate and wait around for a girlfriend thousands of miles away sitting in a classroom? I witnessed it happen with Adam, with my father, with all of his bandmates. Men cannot stay faithful being a musician, especially on the road.”

  “Have you told him that’s what you’re scared of? Why you’re running away?”

  “I’ve tried explaining it to him, but he doesn’t understand. He swears he’ll stay committed and won’t cheat, but I can’t trust his word, no matter how hard I try to talk myself into it. If I don’t trust him, it’ll never work.”

  I’m wiping tears from my cheeks when my phone beeps. I pick it up and can’t help but smile.

  Knox: My new assistant smells like pickles and hot sauce. She also won’t stop chomping on ice cubes. Would you get mad at me if I made her ride on top of the bus? It would be like a convertible.

  My replacement is a woman in her thirties who seems nice and organized. Anna has worked as an assistant for a few other celebrities, but her schedule has never been as packed as it is with Knox. I told her she might want to stock up on Xanax or something because she seemed like a nervous wreck when it was time for her to take my place. I knew it was going to be a big change for Knox when I left, and he was probably going to give her a hard time at first, like he did me.

  Me: Be nice to her. She had great references.

  Knox: She’s not doing a bad job. She’s just not you.

  His response tugs at my heart. She’s just not you.

  I could give it all up, quit my job, drop out of school, and start working for him again, but then where would I be when things went south? I’d be out of a job and a college dropout.

  Me: If you get rid of her, they’ll bring your mom back in.

  Knox: Shit. Good point.

  My phone vibrates with another message.

  Anna: You said I could text if I needed anything. Do o you have a happy pill anywhere for this guy?

  Me: Not a happy pill, but try Friends on Netflix.

  Knox: Did you really just text her and say to put on Netflix like she’s my babysitter asking how to control a cranky child?

  Me: You are acting like a cranky child. Be nice to her for me.

  Knox: You want to know something that’ll put me in a good mood?

  Me: Who knows with you.

  Knox: Send me a sexy picture.

  Me: I’m sitting in my room with Mia. She’ll think I’m a freak.

  Knox: You are a freak, and I love it.

  “Is that him?” Mia asks. I nod. “Be upfront with him right now. Don’t lead him on if you’re not sure what you want.”

  “I will.”

  At another time.

  Chapter 40

  Libby

  “Hi, I need to set up a payment plan,” I tell the financial advisor I’ve had an appointment set with for months. “I have about a third that I can pay upfront.”

  I’ve saved up almost every penny that I could, but only working for a few months still wasn’t enough to pay for both semesters. It’s something, though, and every little bit counts for me right now.

  The middle-aged woman shoves her glasses up her narrow nose and nods. “I need your ID please.” I pull out my wallet and hand her my ID. She starts to type in all of my information. “Libby Graves.” She punches in a few more keys and then tilts her head to the side to study the screen. “It looks like your tuition is paid up for both semesters.”

  I lean forward in my chair. “What? I think there’s a mistake?” I point to my ID in her hand. “Did you spell my name correctly? Do you want to call and make sure there isn’t a glitch in the system?”

  “There are no glitches, your name is spelled correctly, and all of the information matches your account. Your tuition is paid.”

  “By who?”

  “It doesn’t say. All it’s telling me is that it was paid in full two weeks ago.” Her slender pink lips form a smile. “Whoever it was, they are awfully nice.” She pushes her hands together and rests them on her desk. “Anything else I can help you with?”

  The office is packed with people. She wants me out of here so she can move onto the next broke student.

  “No thank you,” I say, getting up from my chair. I take my ID and leave her office.

  My purse is hanging from my arm as I look through it to find my phone while I make my way back to the Jeep in the parking lot, which I still need to give back to Knox. When I asked when he wanted me to drop it off, he told me to wait until Nate is home. I have a feeling waiting until Nate is home is going to take awhile.

  Me: Did you pay my tuition?

  I unlock the doors and slide into the Jeep. I make it all the way back to the condo before my phone beeps with a reply.

  Knox: I have no clue what you’re talking about. The tuition fairy must’ve done it.

  Me: I’m serious. Un-pay it.

  Knox: Hell no.

  Me: Then I’m paying you back for it.

  This is supposed to be my time to be independent, and Knox paying my bills for me is the complete opposite of that.

  I throw my purse over my shoulder and stomp into the condo, like the three-year-old I’m acting like.

  “He paid my tuition!” I yell.

  Mia is sitting at the kitchen table chomping on a bowl of yogurt and granola. “Good boy.”

  “No, bad boy. I wanted to do this on my own. I’m not one of his little charity cases.”

  She drops her spoon into her bowl and rolls her eyes. “I don’t think he did it because he feels sorry for you or thinks you’re a damn charity case. He did it because he cares about you, and I have a feeling he also did it because he’s in love with you.”

  I haven’t told Mia about Knox confessing his feelings for me, and I don’t plan to. She’ll really be on my ass about pushing him away if she finds out.

  “This helps you so much,” she goes on. “If you make more money in the future and it’s tearing you up that bad, pay him back then. But you need to take all the help you can get right now, okay? You would be paying student loans off for the next five years had he not paid it. You have so much going on right now – required community service hours, your work, homework, you’d be stressed out having to worry about paying for school on top of that.”

  My phone beeps when I sit down in the chair across from her.

  Knox: Are you mad? Sorry, I only wanted to help. I want you to focus on what you love to do.

  Me: I’m not mad. It just took me by surprise.

  Knox: You’re honestly one of the best people to ever walk into my life. When I’m old and write a tell-all about my life, you’ll be in there as someone who changed me for the better. Everything you’ve done for me, every emotion you’ve made me feel, it’s made me a better man, and I can’t thank you enough. I want to thank you for giving me something so amazing by helping with your tuition. Please give me that. You’re going to go out there and do great things. You’ll be helping those less fortunate and taking care of kids whose parents don’t make the right decisions. I want you to be able to focus all of your attention on that, not student loans.

  I suck in a breath as I feel my eyes start to water. I want to stop the tears, but I can’t as they fall down my cheeks. How can I fight him on this when it seems like it means so much?

  Me: Ok. Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.

  Knox: I know you do, which is why I did it.

  “Oh shit, the ugly cry face,” Mia says, startling me. I was so wrapped up in Knox’s texts that I forgot she was even there. “Tears of joy or tears of fury?”

  “Tears of joy … gratefulness,” I answer. I hold my phone out so she can read his
text.

  “Damn girl, this man is so sweet for you.” She punches her arm through the air. “We have a winner. My best friend finally has a good man.”

  I suck in a sniffle. “Whoa, calm down, killer. He’s not my man. We’re not even together-together.”

  “Does he know that?”

  “Yes, I made it very clear before I left that we couldn’t be anything serious.”

  Mia’s dark brows pull in. “Why? You have a good thing in your life, and you’re throwing it away for nothing. I know you think men in those situations can’t be trusted and it won’t work out, but you’re basing that belief off of two men. Your dad and Adam. Don’t kill your entire love life off because one douchebag hurt you. Plenty of celebrities are in committed relationships.”

  “He has a reputation that matches theirs to a tee, Mia. To a fucking tee. I’d rather step away now than get my heart stomped on in a few weeks and an embarrassment is made out of me.”

  She lets out a long sigh. She doesn’t like my answer, and I probably won’t be hearing the end of this. “Let’s go out to dinner tonight. We haven’t celebrated your homecoming since you’ve been back, and I know as soon as school starts it’s going to be like pulling your hair out to get you to do something with me.”

  Chapter 41

  Libby

  “Don’t freak out,” Mia whispers. I look up at her as she twirls her dark hair around a finger and looks at me anxiously.

  Two days have passed since I’ve been home. Knox texts me every morning, and we talk throughout the day. He hasn’t mentioned our relationship, but I think he’s subtly trying to show me this is how we make it work – that we’re capable of surviving a long distance relationship.

  I’m at lunch with Mia. She’s trying to get in all the girl time she can before I get swamped with school and work.

  “Don’t freak out about what?” I ask. We’re sitting outside on the patio of one of our favorite restaurants.

  “There’s three men with cameras pointed directly at us right behind you.”

  “What?” I turn around to see what she’s looking at, and sure enough, there are three guys with expensive cameras plastered to their hands with the lenses focused directly on me.

  I twist back around in my chair and let out an annoyed huff. “See? This is exactly what I told you happens when you’re dating a man in the spotlight … especially one as famous as Knox.”

  “So the fuck what? They’ll take a few lame ass pictures of you scarfing down your grilled chicken and asparagus. If that’s the stress you have to go through to be with a great man, take it. You could have to wait months for him to come home from war or have to become a sister wife.”

  “Are you really trying to compare me being with Knox to sharing him with numerous other women?”

  “Yes, and hopefully it sinks into that thick headed skull of yours that shit could be worse.”

  I grab my water and take a drink. “It’s still not what I want to go through every time I decide to go somewhere. They’ll post these pictures online, and all of his fans will call me ugly and criticize everything about me.”

  “And you’re the one in his bed, so whether you’re wearing an unflattering dress or have a zit on your nose, you still win.”

  “Whatever, I’m done talking about it.”

  We finish our food, pay the bill, and make our way back to the Jeep. The jackasses with the cameras are still snapping photos and recording our every move. I pick up my pace when they start to follow me.

  “Libby! Libby! How are things with Knox now that you’re not on tour with him anymore?” one yells.

  Another one gets closer. “Are you guys an official couple? Does he still have feelings for Stella?”

  “Has he met your dad in prison?”

  “Why did he punch Adam Dole? Are the rumors you used to date him true?”

  I twist around to look at them. “Please quit following me!” I yell. “Knox and I have decided to go our separate ways.”

  The words leave my mouth before I realize what I’m saying. Everyone holding a camera grins. I gave them exactly what they wanted.

  I roughly pull open the Jeep door and jump in.

  “I can’t believe you said that,” Mia says, getting in. “Are you crazy?”

  “They wouldn’t shut the hell up,” I snap, attempting to shove the keys into the ignition with my shaking hands, but I keep missing.

  She grabs them and does the job for me. “You need to call Knox and tell him about this. He’s going to be livid and confused when it gets back to him.”

  I hate that she’s right, but what’s done is done.

  Chapter 42

  Knox

  I’m watching the clip Easton emailed me for the fifth time.

  “Knox and I have decided to go our separate ways.”

  I refresh the screen.

  “Knox and I have decided to go our separate ways.”

  I pause on her face. She looks beautiful. Fucking gorgeous. Her hair is swept back in a braid, showing off every color in it. I miss her so damn much, and it sucks that the first time I see her after leaving she’s saying this. I don’t see a smile or any light in her eyes. There’s only annoyance and irritation. But she looks breathtaking even when she’s driving a knife into my heart.

  The feeling of betrayal pumps through my veins.

  Why didn’t she come to me first instead of blindsiding me?

  Yes, she hinted at not wanting a long distance relationship while I was on tour, but she’s still been texting me. We talk daily. How can you claim to go separate ways with someone that you’re still in constant contact with?

  I feel like I’m the side-dick – the guy she’s trying to keep hidden from the world.

  I pick up my phone and hit Thomas’ name.

  “Hey, can we make a break in my schedule?” I ask.

  “What do you mean make a break in your schedule?” His tone is annoyed, which I don’t blame him. “You just got to Tokyo.”

  “Find time, ok? Even if it’s only for a day, I don’t care.”

  “What’s going on? Where do you intend on going?”

  “Home.”

  He blows out a breath. “You do know that’s a fifteen-hour flight?”

  “Do you think I give a shit?”

  “We’ve decided to go our separate ways?” I blurt out as soon as Libby opens up her front door.

  Her mouth falls open, and it takes her a few seconds to grasp that I’m actually standing in front of her. I’ve been on a fifteen-hour flight and probably look like I’ve been dragged through hell.

  I have mentally, to be honest. My mind has been frantic with uncertainty since I saw the video, and I wasn’t sure what I’d be walking into when I showed up here.

  “Knox.” My name sounds so sweet coming from her lips. I’ve missed that.

  “We’ve decided to go our separate ways?” It kills me more with each time I say it. Those six words have been haunting me.

  Her blonde hair is braided down the side, and she’s only wearing a sports bra and sweat pants.

  She holds up her hand, struggling to come up with the right words to explain how she blindsided me with this. “Let … let me explain.”

  “Let you explain? You explained plenty to the entire world! What happened to you wanting to keep our relationship private and between us and us only?”

  She looks behind her shoulder before stepping outside and shutting the door behind her. “We talked about this.” Her voice lowers to almost a whisper. “We agreed that trying to keep a relationship while you’re away on tour … or in the spotlight, period, isn’t realistic.” Her eyes focus on the ground. Just like at the airport – she can’t even look at me.

  “That’s bullshit. I’m perfectly capable of holding a relationship and being committed to you while I’m on tour and in the spotlight. It’s you, you and you only, who is so afraid, so goddamn scared of what people will say. You’re so worried about the possibility of your heart get
ting broken that you won’t even listen to it when it’s happy!”

  She finally looks up at me, and when she does, I can see the shame on her face. I can see her fighting with herself to pull away. She loves me, so why is she doing this to us?

  “This is what I was afraid of,” she finally says. “The destruction of our friendship because we crossed that line.”

  I run my hands over my face and shake my head to hold back my hurt. “What we have is more than friendship, and you know it. Don’t try to minimize it for your convenience.”

  “I’m not! You want me to be honest, to be real, and that’s what I’m doing right now! You have this silly fantasy that everything will work out between us. It’s unrealistic. Why can’t you see that?”

  Silly fantasy?

  I take a step back from her. “I’m awake, baby. Trust me, my eyes are completely open now.”

  Tears start to fall down her cheeks, and I’m trying my hardest to stop my own. I’ve never felt this shattered, like someone ripped me open with promises and then infected me with lies. Why should I allow her to see me suffer if she doesn’t give a damn that she’s the one causing the pain?

  “I don’t want to hurt you, Knox.”

  “You already have! Why did you open up and give me what I wanted if you didn’t plan on letting me keep you? Why did you get my hopes up if you weren’t going to give me a fair chance? I can hold a relationship. I’ve done it before, and I did it for years. Maybe it’s you with the relationship issues.”

  “You’re probably right,” she says, softly. Her response shocks the shit out of me. “I have commitment and trust issues that will tear us apart. I’ll never be able to trust you, and a relationship without trust is a relationship that’s never going to last. If you don’t answer your phone one night, I’ll think you’re cheating. There’s no changing that. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I am.”

  I close the space between us to grab her hands in mine. “Let me show you it doesn’t have to be that way. Let me prove your fears wrong.”