Wild Thoughts

by Charity Ferrell

  She pulls away. “I’m sorry … I can’t,” she whispers before clearing her throat and straightening her back. “I know you have a show soon that’s halfway across the world. You need to get going. Don’t ruin your career over me.”

  I throw my hands up in defeat and start to back away from her. “You’re going to regret this one day, I promise you that, and you’re going to die when you feel the same rejection and heartbreak that I’m feeling right now when you find someone you love as much as I do you. I promise you, it’s not pretty, and it’ll tear you apart.”

  Chapter 43

  Libby

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Mia screams as soon as I get back inside. She’s standing in front of me, arms crossed, face fuming. She points to the door. “That man is out there begging you to give him a chance. He loves you. Don’t shut him out because of your insecurities.”

  “Stay out of my business,” I answer, walking around her. I knew she’d be eavesdropping on our conversation. The girl has ears like a hawk.

  “No, I won’t. You’re my best friend, and I love you. It’s my job to be in your business and tell you when you’re acting like a fucking coward, and quite frankly, you’re acting like a fucking coward!”

  Her words of honesty shove through my chest like a knife. Do I regret ending things with Knox? Yes. But I’d rather live with regret than go through a Knox heartbreak that will tear me apart worse than what it already is.

  “I don’t want that life!” I scream.

  “You’re not choosing that life. You’re choosing him. He comes with baggage, yes, and if you’re not thinking clearly, so do you.”

  “Whatever.” I run up the stairs and slam my bedroom door shut.

  “Fucking coward!” Mia yells again.

  Tears are still slipping down my cheeks when I fall down face first onto my bed. I almost made a run for it when Mia looked through the peephole and said Knox was standing at the front door. I even considered not answering and acting like I wasn’t home, but there was no way she was letting that slide. She threatened to let him in and record our entire conversation if I didn’t go out there and hear what he had to say.

  “Fucking coward!” Mia yells again.

  And I know I’m going to be hearing those words all night.

  I grab my remote, turn on my TV, and crank the volume up.

  I have to drown her out before she convinces me to change my mind.

  Three days have passed since Knox walked away from me.

  Three days of fucking hell.

  I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve picked up the phone to call him. It’s killing me knowing I led him on and then pulled away when I felt like the time was right. I knew I’d eventually have to leave him on tour and go back to school, so I never should’ve let it go that far, but I couldn’t help myself.

  People always fall in love at the wrong time in the wrong place with the wrong person. Love is never convenient. It’s the most difficult yet satisfying journey you’ll go through in life.

  Damnit, why can’t our hearts just beat for us and that’s it? Why do we have to feel emotions through them?

  I miss our little conversations. I miss his annoying and dirty texts. I miss eating breakfast with him every morning. You don’t realize how much you miss something until it’s gone and you know you’ll never get it back.

  “Have you come to your senses and called him yet?” Mia asks when I walk into the kitchen. She’s asked me this same question every morning, making me feel even more like shit.

  I grab a mug from the cabinet and pour myself a cup of coffee. “I told you to stay out of my business.” I start adding creamer while waiting for her to continue her preaching.

  “And I told you that isn’t happening. If I was making a mistake like this with Dixon, you’d call me out on my bullshit and you know it. I’m your best friend. I want you to be happy, and Knox Rivers makes your usually grumpy ass happy.” She pauses and then grins wide. “Wow, I never thought I’d say something like that.”

  “Trust me, neither did I,” I grumble, taking a sip of my coffee.

  “Why are you so afraid of love?”

  I set my cup down on the table before plopping down in a chair. “I’m not afraid of love.” She snorts, and I give her a dirty look. “I’m scared of that kind of relationship. The one where every girl wants the guy I’m dating, where creeps are following me around, and my pictures are in magazines talking about Knox cheating on me. I don’t want that shit. Never have. Never will.”

  “You won’t even deal with it to be happy and with the man you love?”

  “I thought I was in love before, but it was immaturity and delusion. I honestly don’t trust my heart anymore.”

  “Quit comparing him to Adam’s bitch ass. Knox turned down every girl while you were together. He could’ve pulled a move like douchebag and snuck around with some skank in a dirty ass bathroom, but he didn’t.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing. I’m comparing him to every single guy out there with girls throwing themselves at him. So drop it. I’m sick of hearing you lecture me about it.”

  “Fine, I tried, and as your best friend, I’ll be here waiting for you to cry on my shoulder when Knox starts dating someone else.” I cough on my drink, and coffee splatters from my lips onto the table. Mia grins. The girl is smart. “See. How did it feel when I talked about him being with another woman? It hurt, right? It’s something that will happen, though. So be prepared.”

  “I hate it when you make sense.”

  “Text him. Call him. Do something before it’s too late.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  I get up, pour myself another cup, and go back to my bedroom.

  “Before it’s too late!” Mia yells to my back.

  I pick up my phone from my nightstand.

  I set it back down.

  Then pick it up again.

  Why did Mia have to implant the thought in my mind of seeing Knox with another woman? It pains me even to think about him putting his hands on someone else, his lips kissing hers like he did mine, and him doing the kind, romantic gestures he did with me.

  Whoever that lucky bitch will be, I already hate her.

  I pick up my phone again and start typing before I change my mind.

  Me: I don’t want you to hate me.

  There. I started the conversation.

  But what if he doesn’t answer?

  What if he ignores me?

  My chest tightens, and I start to grow dizzy while I wait to see if I’m going to get a response. I’m mad at myself because I’ll be waiting all day with my phone in my hand until I get one now.

  My phone beeps, and I’m almost afraid to look at it. I slowly bring it up and read the text.

  Knox: I could never hate you.

  His answer makes me feel even more like shit.

  Me: I’m sorry.

  I jump when the phone starts to ring in my hand.

  It’s Knox.

  Should I answer it?

  It might kill me more to hear his voice.

  I have to answer it – considering I just texted him.

  “Hello?”

  “I thought it might be easier to talk. Emotions can get mixed up in texts.” His sweet voice soothes me, and all of that built up tension and anxiety in my body vanishes at the sound of it.

  “Maybe we should talk when you get home. I texted you because I’ve felt like complete and utter shit since you left my house. I should’ve handled things differently.” I should’ve invited him in so we could have a real conversation, and I definitely shouldn’t have sucker punched him with what I said to the paparazzi.

  “That’s months away. I can’t be unsure about us for that long. I thought every shot I had with you was gone until I got that text. You sending me that proves you don’t want us to be over.”

  “You’re right. I can’t pull away from you, but you’re in an entirely different country and time zone than I am. That’s a pr
oblem.”

  “And? We have phones. We have the internet. I can book a private plane for either one of us in minutes. We don’t have to send a raven to talk to each other.”

  “I know.”

  “I miss you, and it’s killing me not talking to you. Your first day of school is tomorrow, and I haven’t even been able to see how you’re feeling about it.”

  “Let’s take it slow. We’ll consider ourselves friends right now, okay? But I promise we’ll try when you get back.”

  “Friends who have phone sex and send naked pics?”

  I laugh. “Possibly.”

  Chapter 44

  Knox

  “So Libby finally called you?” Easton asks on the phone.

  “Yeah.”

  I’ve been keeping him updated on the whole situation with Libby, and he’s trying to help me stay in a positive mood and keep my hopes up. She’s been texting me back and forth regularly for the past week since our conversation on the phone, but we still haven’t gotten back to where we were before.

  We’re both holding back in fear of it not working out now. I don’t want to dive in too fast and have her leave me underwater if she changes her mind again.

  “And she’s come to her senses?”

  “I still haven’t figured that out yet. The woman is confusing as hell. She said she wants to wait until I finish the tour before jumping into a relationship.”

  “What does that mean? I like the girl, and I want to see you happy, but that’s kind of fucked up.”

  “I don’t know. The back and forth shit, I can’t handle it. She’s playing the same games Stella did. She wanted me, then she wanted space, and then when she saw I was hanging out with other women, she wanted me again. I swear, it’s like whenever I fall for a chick and develop real feelings for her, it’s one that wants to fuck with my head and doesn’t know what she wants.”

  “I’m sorry, brother. Do you want me to talk to her?”

  “No. Nothing will make her more uncomfortable than my brother calling and trying to be all Dr. Phil or some shit. She’ll think I lost my balls and really stay away from me. Libby is strong and independent. She doesn’t like needy dudes.”

  “I understand. I was only trying to help.”

  “I know, and that’s why I love you, but I think this one I have to figure out on my own.”

  “I’ll talk to Gretchen and see if she has any tips for you. Women think a lot differently than we do, bro. I’m not even kidding. When she goes into her psychoanalyzing bullshit and tries to do studies on me, I run for the hills.”

  I laugh. “You love her psychoanalyzing bullshit.” Gretchen is in medical school to be a psychiatrist.

  “You’re right, just don’t tell her that, but I have class in thirty minutes. Good luck on your show tonight and everything else.”

  “I will.”

  He stops me before I hang up. “And you know what this is the best time for?”

  “I know.”

  “Get it done.”

  I hang up and pull my notebook from my luggage.

  Then I start to morph my feelings into my next song.

  “I love Thailand, man,” Spencer says, walking into the living room of my suite. I finished my show an hour ago and just got out of the shower. Some of my friends flew into Thailand for my show, so I feel like I owe them an enjoyable time tonight. “Every time I come here, I beg Yasmine to quit modeling so we can sell everything and move here.”

  I pull my shirt on and run my hand through my wet hair. “I have a feeling Yasmine isn’t going for it.”

  “Nope, she’s too much into her work to even think about settling down somewhere, which I don’t understand. She doesn’t have to work. I have plenty of money to provide for us for the rest of our lives.”

  Spencer created a social network app that blew up. He makes a killing in ads and has even had billion dollar offers to purchase it, but he declines every one. He doesn’t want to be a sell-out. He has millions, is dating one of the biggest supermodels in the world who is also cool as shit, so I don’t blame him for wanting to settle down off the grid.

  I sit down and watch him go to the mini-bar to make a drink. He drains it and then stares straight at me. I can tell he’s about to say something I don’t want to hear.

  “What the hell is going on?” I ask.

  “You’re not going to like this, and I want to point out in advance that it’s not my fault, but a few extra peeps decided to tag along on this trip to see your show. I tried to stop it, so did Yasmine, but everyone accused us of being assholes taking your side.”

  My shoulders curl forward in dread. “Spit it out and don’t bullshit me.”

  “Stella is here.”

  “Mother fucker,” I hiss. We hang out in the same crowds, so I knew occasionally running into her would happen, but I wasn’t counting on her flying thousands of miles to see me.

  “She decided to come last minute with Jasmine.” Jasmine is Yasmine’s sister. “We couldn’t exactly kick them off the jet, and they had already purchased tickets to your show, so we couldn’t stop that, either.”

  I groan, tipping my head down and shaking it. “This isn’t going to look good, man.”

  He plops down in the chair next to me and drops the hand holding his drink in the middle of his legs. “Look, she wants to talk to you or some shit. I don’t know if you’re involved with anyone at the moment, but she kept blabbering about still having feelings for you.” He grunts. “It sure put a damper on the whole plane ride.”

  Spencer is another one that texted me the video of Libby saying we were done. He hasn’t brought it up since, most likely not trying to drag up bad memories if we broke up, so I haven’t had a chance to tell him I’ve talked to her.

  “It’s cool, thanks for having my back. I’m trying to work shit out with Libby, so Stella showing up here is the last damn thing I need. It’s going to look bad. If you and the gang are here, they’ll know we’re going out and paparazzi will be waiting to find something to take a picture of.”

  “I’ll try to keep her away from you the best that I can. Don’t bail on us. I’ve been waiting to go out with my boy for months, and Thailand is our mother-fucking city.”

  “I’m not bailing, but I’m telling you right now, keep her away from me.”

  He pulls out his phone. “I’m texting Yasmine right now to let Stella know you’re not interested.”

  I snort. “That won’t stop her.” She’s not someone who likes to hear or accept the word no.

  I look up when I hear a knock on the door. “Yeah … I told George to let them up.”

  “Fuck. Let the ex-girlfriend dodging begin.”

  I need to figure out a way to leave the club without looking ungrateful that Spencer and my friends chartered a private jet to come see me.

  I love hanging out with my friends, especially when I’m in a different country where I don’t know anyone, but Stella being here is putting a huge buzz kill on the occasion. I’m trying to stay as far away from her as I can, but she’s inching closer and closer as the night gets later.

  I’m nursing a beer and watching everyone have a great time around me when I notice her coming my way.

  Shit.

  I tense up. Whatever is about to happen most likely isn’t going to be a brief and friendly conversation. I see the determination in her eyes.

  “Your show was amazing,” she says, sitting down next to me on the couch in the back of the club. “It reminded me of how I used to go to every show of yours and watch you perform. The love you have for your art is beautiful. I forgot how much I enjoyed it.”

  “Thank you,” I reply.

  The music is blaring around us, and she leans in closer so we can hear each other better. “Remember last time we were in Thailand?” I nod, and she lets out a light laugh. “I told you it was my dream vacation and then you took me for my twenty-first birthday. I’ll never forget that. It’s the best birthday I’ve ever had.”

  “I�
�m glad you had fun.” I’m trying not to act like an asshole. Maybe her intentions aren’t bad.

  “Do you miss me?” There’s the Stella I know, going straight in for the kill.

  “I’m happy with where I am right now.”

  “You didn’t answer the question.”

  “How do I answer your question without sounding like a dick? I loved you, and there will probably always be a special place in my heart for you, Stella, but that’s it – a place in my heart for the first girl I loved, but not the only one. I don’t miss you because what we had wasn’t meant to last forever, and we both know that. We outgrew each other. I’ll always consider you a friend. That’s it.”

  “You don’t mean that,” she whispers, her lower lip trembling. She starts shaking her head over and over again. “Tell me you don’t mean that.”

  “I do. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but if you came here with the hopes of us getting back together, it’s not going to happen. I want to be upfront about that right now.”

  “Let’s try again,” she pleads, scooting in closer.

  “I’m sorry, but that’s not what I want.”

  She throws her head back, ready to move in from another angle. If sadness won’t reel me in, she’ll go for another way. “Don’t play games. We have history that you can’t throw away. We’ve dated other people but always end up back together. Let’s stop wasting our time and try for real.”

  Stella is upset I’m moving onto someone else. Sure, I’ve dated and fucked other women, but they were never anything serious like I have with Libby. I’ve never felt something as strong as I feel for her. And Stella knows it, which is why she’s here. She knows when I love and care about someone because at one time she was who I loved.

  “Thank you for coming to my show, but that’s not what I want.” She moves forward and tries to sit on my lap, but I swat her away. “Fucking stop, Stella.”

  “Please.” Tears are streaming down her face, causing her mascara to run with them. “I hate seeing you with someone else.”