by Bromberg, K.
Maybe Colton didn’t come. Then of course that means Tawny would most likely be sitting here. I’m not sure which one would be worse. When I can’t stand it anymore, I take a fortifying breath, and raise my eyes to scan the occupants of the room.
And I immediately lock onto the pale green irises of Colton whose attention is focused solely on me. The house of cards surrounding my heart flutters to the ground and all of the air punches out of my lungs at the sight of him. No matter how hard I tell myself to break eye contact, it’s like a car accident. I just can’t help but stare.
Only because I have intimate knowledge of his face, do I notice the subtle differences in his appearance. His hair is longer, the scruff is back around his jaw, slight shadows bruise beneath his eyes, and he seems slightly unkempt for a man who’s always so well put together. I drag my gaze over his magnificently stoic face and am drawn back to his eyes. It is on this second pass that I realize the usual mischievous spark that lights them from within is absent. They look lost, sad even, as they silently plead with me. I see his jaw tic as the intensity in his eyes strengthens. I tear my eyes away from him, not wanting to read the unspoken words he is conveying.
After what he did, he doesn’t deserve a second glance from me. I close mine for a beat to try and blink away the tears that threaten, telling myself that I have to keep it together. I have to keep my composure. And regardless of what I tell myself, images of Tawny barely covered by Colton’s T-shirt flash through my head. I have to bite back the sickening pang in my stomach and fight the urge to leave the room. My shock at seeing him here slowly churns itself into anger. This is my office and my meeting, and I can’t let him affect me. Or I at least have to give the pretense of it anyway.
I clench my jaw and shake away my misery as Teddy’s voice slowly seeps through the buzzing in my brain. He’s introducing me and I rise on wobbly legs to make my way to the front of the conference room, all too aware of the weight of Colton’s eyes locked on me.
I stand at the front of the room, thankful that I’ve rehearsed my presentation numerous times. My voice breaks as I begin, but I slowly find my confidence as I continue. I make sure to meet the eyes of the suits as well as avoid one set of eyes in particular. I channel my hurt and anger at him and his actions—and him just being here in general—to fuel my enthusiasm for the project. I speak of CD Enterprises and their monumental contributions, but never once look in his direction. I finish my presentation smoothly and succinctly and smile at the group before me. I answer the few questions that are posed and then gladly take my seat as the same time that Colton rises from the table and makes his way to the front of the room.
I fiddle with the papers in front of me as Colton addresses everyone. I curse myself for my last minute entrance into the meeting and my proximity to the front of the room. He is so close to me that his clean, woodsy smell lingers in the air and wraps itself into my head, evoking memories of our time together. All of my senses are on high alert, and I’d give anything to be able to leave the room right now.
It’s torture to have the person inches from you that makes you love inexplicably, desire desperately, despise viciously, and hurt unfathomably, all in the same breath.
I doodle aimlessly on my papers trying to distract myself as the rasp of his voice pulls at me. My eyes desperately want to look at him—to search out a reason or explanation for his actions, but I know that nothing will erase the images in my head from that day.
“In partnership with Corporate Cares, CD Enterprises has gone down every avenue possible to ensure the largest sum of donations. We’ve knocked on all doors, called in all outstanding favors, and answered all incoming phone calls. Everyone gets equal attention. No one is overlooked as we’ve found in projects past, that usually when you least expect it, someone will come along—someone that you might have originally written off—and they will be the one that ends up turning the tide. Sometimes the one that you assumed would be inconsequential, turns out to be the one that makes all the difference.”
My eyes reflexively flash up to Colton’s on the word that holds so much significance between us. Despite the audience, Colton’s eyes are transfixed on mine as if he’s waiting for any reaction from me to tell him that I’ve heard his private innuendo. That I still care. And of course I played right into it. Damn it! The emerald of his eyes bore into mine and the muscles play in his jaw as our stare lasts longer than is professional, the message within his words registering in my psyche.
A diminutive smile curls up the corner of his mouth as he breaks his gaze from mine to continue. And that little smile, that little show of arrogance that proves he now knows he still affects me, both pisses me off and overwhelms me. Or is he trying to tell me that I’m the one who matters to him? I’m so confused. I don’t know what to think anymore.
The one thing I am sure of is that I refuse to be that girl. The girl that we all look at and think is stupid because she continually goes back to the guy that is always doing wrong by her— screwing around behind her back, leading her on, telling her one thing while doing the other. I have a backbone, and as much as I want Colton—as much as I do love Colton—I value the things I have to offer someone too much to let him or any guy trample me and my self-esteem. I just have to keep telling myself this as his voice seduces my ears, trying to draw me back in and strengthening his hold over me like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
“And such a phone call came in yesterday to my office. And by no means are we done with our fundraising efforts, but with that unexpected phone call, I am pleased to announce that in addition to the funds already pledged by CD Enterprises, another two million dollars has been confirmed in donations for the completion of your project.”
A collective gasp echoes through the room with Colton’s declaration. Voices buzz with excitement and the knowledge that our project is now fully funded, that all of our hard work will come to fruition.
I hang my head down amidst the commotion and squeeze my eyes shut as the roller coaster soars me up and then yanks me back down. I can’t even begin to process the gamut of emotions coursing through me. On one hand, all of my efforts on behalf of my boys will pay off in a monumental way. More kids will benefit from the program and have the chance to become positive contributors to society. On the other hand, Colton is the one handing me this victory. Talk about irony. I’m being handed everything I’ve dreamed of on a professional level by the one person that I want more than anything in the whole world, but can’t have on a personal level.
As much as I fight the emotions, they are just too much to bear. I’m overwhelmed. The flip-flopping between hurt and anger and misery has exhausted me. A tear slips down my cheek, and I hastily dash it away with the back of my hand as my shoulders tremble from the threat of so many more. The pain of having Colton just within reach and yet so far away from me is just too much. Everything is too fresh. Too raw.
I’ve lost myself so much to my emotions that I’ve forgotten my surroundings. When I come back to myself, the room is silent. I keep my head down, trying to pull myself together when I hear Teddy’s hushed voice. “It’s meant everything to her. She’s put her heart and soul into this…you can’t fault her for being overwhelmed.”
I hear murmurs of agreement, and I’m relieved that my coworkers have mistaken my visible emotion as elation in respects to the good news on the project rather than as a result of my personal heartache. I force a thready smile onto my lips and look up at the room of people despite the tears pooling in my eyes. I meet Teddy’s gaze, warmth and pride reflected on his face, and I smile sheepishly at him, playing into the charade. Anything to escape from Colton. “If you’ll excuse me, I just need a moment,” I murmur.
“Of course.” He smiles softly as does the rest of the room, assuming correctly that I need to go pull myself together but for all of the wrong reasons.
I rise and calmly walk to the door, leaving a wide berth to where Colton stands, and exit the room. I can hear Teddy’s voice congratula
ting everyone and declaring the meeting over seeing as there is no need to brainstorm how to secure the remainder of the funding anymore. My pace quickens as the distance increases from the conference room. I hold up my hand to Stella, effectively dismissing her, as she calls out my name. I make it to my office and shut the door in the nick of time before the first sob tears from my throat.
I let them roll through me as I lean against the wall opposing the door. I’ve tried to be so strong and hold them in for so many days, but I can’t anymore. I’m disappointed in myself for still caring about him. Upset that I still want him to think about me. Pissed that he can affect me in so many ways. That he still makes my heart swell for him while my head acknowledges that he turned to Tawny when things between us went beyond the mandated Colton dating stipulations.
I ignore the gentle knock on the door, not wanting anyone to see me in such a wrecked state. The person persists and I try to rub away the tears from my cheeks knowing it’s useless. There is no way I can hide my crying jag. I snap my head up as the door opens and Colton slides inside, shutting it behind him and leaning against it.
I’m staggered by his presence in my office. He dominates the small space. It’s one thing to try and get over him when he’s not tangible, but when he is right in front of me—when I can touch him with my fingertips—it’s that much more unbearable. Our eyes lock onto each other’s and my mind whirls with so many things I want to say and so many things I fear to ask. The silence is so loud between us it’s deafening. Colton’s eyes are saying so much to me, asking so much of me, but I’m unable to respond.
He pushes off the door and takes a step toward me. “Rylee…” My name is a plea on his lips.
“No!” I tell him, my quiet yet useless defense against him. “No,” I say again with more resolve as he takes another step. “Don’t do this here, Colton. Please.”
“Ry…” He reaches out to touch me, and I bat his hand away.
“No.” My lip trembles as he stands inside my personal space. I look down at the ground. Anywhere but his eyes. “Not here, Colton. You don’t get to come into my work—my office—and take the one place that has been keeping me sane after what you did to me and taint it.” My voice breaks on my last words as a tear escapes and makes a path down my cheek. “Please…” I push against his chest to try and gain some distance, but I’m not quick enough because he grabs my wrists and holds them. The jolt of electricity still remaining between us has me gritting my teeth and fighting back more tears.
“Enough!” He grates out. “I’m not a patient man, Rylee. Never have been and never will be. I’ve given you your space, dealt with you ignoring me, but I have half a mind to tie you down to your chair and force you to listen to me. Keep it up and I will.”
“Let go!” I yank my wrists from him, needing to break the connection.
“I didn’t sleep with her, Rylee!” He grates out.
“I don’t want to hear the sordid details, Colton.” I have to stop him. I can’t listen to the lies. “Two words, condom wrapper.” I’m proud of myself for the quiet steel in my voice. Proud that I can process a thought when my insides are shredding.
“Nothing happened!” he snaps harshly at me as he paces the small confines of my office. “Absolutely nothing!”
“I’m not one of your typical airheads, Colton. I know what I saw and I saw—”
“Jesus fucking Christ woman, it was just a goddamn fucking kiss!” His implacable voice fills the room.
And empties my heart.
I force myself to swallow. To unhear what he’s said. “What?” I ask, disbelief dripping from my question as he grabs the back of his neck and pulls down on it, a grimace of regret on his face. “First you swear that nothing happened. Now you’re telling me that it was just a kiss. What next? You’re going to tell me you forgot that your dick accidentally slipped into her? The story keeps changing, but I’m supposed to believe that this time you’re telling the truth?” I laugh, hysteria mixed with the hurt bubbling up. “Last I checked, you didn’t need a condom to kiss someone.”
“It’s all just a misunderstanding. You’re totally blowing this out of proportion and I—”
A knock on the door jolts us from our bubble. It takes me a moment to find my voice and sound composed. “Yes?”
“Teddy needs you in five,” Stella says timidly through the door.
“Okay. I’ll be right there.” I close my eyes momentarily, resigning my soul to this continuous anger and hurt.
Colton clears his throat; his face clearly conflicted between forcing me to hash this out and allowing me to retain my dignity here at work. Reluctantly he nods his head in defeat. “I’ll go, Rylee. I’ll leave, but I’m not letting you run away from this—from us—until I get to have my say. This is by no means over. Understood?”
I just look at him, missing him so desperately but unable to wrap my head around telling him I love him and then him running into another woman’s arms. Unable to accept the ever-changing story about what happened between him and Tawny. I nod my head once, panic fluttering through my body when I realize that as much as I need distance, a part of me is relieved to know that I will get to see him again. It’s a silly thought seeing as the sight of him churns my stomach and causes my heart to hurt, but you can’t undo the addictive haze of love.
Tears well in my eyes as I brace myself when he leans in and places a lingering kiss on the top of my head. Chills dance up my spine despite my initial reaction to pull away from him in self-preservation.
He holds my head to his lips for a moment so that I can’t squirm away. “I had to see you, Rylee. I moved Heaven and earth to get that sponsorship so that I could call Teddy and tell him to let me present today.” My breath hitches at his words. I can feel his throat work a swallow as I drown in him despite the pain he’s inflicting. “It’s killing me that you won’t talk to me—that you won’t believe me—and I’m not sure what to do with how that makes me feel.” He pauses but keeps his cheek against my head, and I know opening up like this is difficult for him. “I can still feel you, Rylee. Your skin. The way you taste. Your lips when you smile against mine. Smell the vanilla you wear. Hear your laugh…you’re everywhere. You’re all I can think about.”
With those parting words, Colton turns and leaves my office, shutting the door behind him without looking back. I nearly cave. I nearly give into the urge to call his name and go back on the promises I made to myself long ago about what I deserve in a relationship. The memory of Tawny in his doorway draws me back to myself. Allows me to keep the slippery hold on my resolve.
I exhale slowly, trying to locate my composure because his words have undone me. They were the words I needed to hear weeks ago. The words I needed to hear in response to telling him I loved him. But now I’m just not sure if they’re too late. My stumbling heart says they’re not, but my sensible head says yes as it tries to protect my vulnerable feelings.
After a few minutes, I stop trembling and freshen up my make-up in time to participate in a smaller conference with the bigwigs from corporate. During the meeting, my cell phone vibrates signaling an incoming text, and I grab it quickly as to not interrupt the conversation. In my fleeting glance, I see the short text from Colton.
Sad by Maroon 5 - x C
I know the song. A man talking about the two paths of a relationship. A man admitting that he chose the wrong one to take. That he never said the words she needed to hear. That he realizes it now that she’s gone.
I take a small victory in knowing he’s affected by the turn of events, but it doesn’t feel good. Nothing about this situation feels good.
I hate that I want him to hurt as much as I do. I hate myself for wanting him even when he hurt me. And more than anything, I hate that he made me feel again because right now I just wish I could go back to being numb.
I pull myself from my thoughts and wonder for the hundredth time if Colton really misses me or if he’s once again trying to repair that fragile ego of his from be
ing rejected.
Regardless, he’s a big boy and big boys have to take responsibility for their screwed up actions. He says nothing happened but it’s hard to believe when I saw them wearing the same pieces of a matching outfit.
Consequences. I’m sure that’s a word he’s never had to own up to before. I don’t plan on responding, but I do just for measure.
I Knew You Were Trouble – Taylor Swift.
“SO YOU’RE STILL NOT GOING to talk to him?”
“Nope.” I put the Xbox game back on the shelf, trying to remember if Shane has it already.
“Nope? That’s all you’re going to give me?”
“Yup.” I furrow my brow in indecision as I look around the various possible presents at Target.
“Are you going to say more than one word for an answer?”
“Hmm.” I stall for a moment. “What do you get a sixteen year old boy for his birthday?”
“Beats me. I realize avoidance is really your thing right now, but you’re an idiot if you think that you’re going to be able to steer clear of him at the race.”
“I’ve done a pretty good job so far and after yesterday, I’ve got enough of a reason to keep avoiding him,” I shrug, not really wanting to have this conversation with Haddie. I just want to get Shane’s birthday present, and then go home and shower before my shift and Shane’s birthday party.