I drop it to the carpet and stare at it in horror.
I should have trusted my instinct. I should have stuck to what I believed was right. For a second I’m back in Bible study, listening to the teacher reading the passage about money being the root of all evil. It wasn’t that part that hit a chord with me, though. It was the part that comes after. The part that tells how those who chase it pierce themselves with many sorrows.
I’ve had enough sorrows in my life, but I have a horrible feeling that what I’ve done tonight is about to unleash some more.
7
Hannah
The bad feeling follows me through my dreams and out the other side. My roommate, Heather, is her usual bubbly self but I just can’t find the cheer to match her.
Even Andie, who usually has no trouble making me laugh, struggles. After about five minutes in my company, she throws her hands up in exasperation.
“What’s eating you today, girl?”
“No one interesting,” I quip gloomily. It’s the best I can do with the weight of worry on my chest.
“Can you just tell me what’s going on?” She takes hold of my arm and slows me so I have to look at her.
“I can’t talk here,” I say. The corridor is busy with people and it’s not the kind of thing you want to be overheard talking about.
“Well, let’s go somewhere that you can.”
We take the quickest route outside and find a patch of grass that’s free of prying ears. I feel so awkward making this confession, but Andie is my bestie, and I know she won’t judge.
“I’ve got a really bad feeling about something that happened yesterday,” I say.
“Something at the club?”
“Yeah. There was this guy. I didn’t like him from the moment he looked at me. There was just something creepy about him.”
“How come?”
“Just his eyes, and the way he spoke. He was rude, you know, and he said some inappropriate things.”
“Like what?”
“Things about my sexual fantasies. Things that I might do to myself.”
She shrugs. “Doesn’t that come with the territory?”
I guess she’s right in a way. There are always dudes in The Kitty Cat club who get carried away with their hands or their mouths. I usually just brush it off, but this guy just had something extra unpleasant about him.
“Sometimes it does, but this felt different.”
“So, did you tell anyone?”
“Yeah. I told my friend Kaleb. But then the club owner came to talk to me. The creepy dude offered to pay me a ton of cash just to watch me….” I pause, feeling so damn weird about verbalizing this. “…touch myself.”
“Oh shit,” Andie says. “How much?”
“Two thousand dollars.”
“Oh my god,” she shouts a little too loudly. “That must have been so hard to turn down.” I don’t say anything and she narrows her eyes in the way she always does when she’s trying to figure something out. “You didn’t turn it down, did you?”
I shake my head, picking at my cuticle so I don’t have to face her.
“Did you get the money?”
I nod.
“Did he do anything to hurt you?”
I shake my head.
“So what’s got you so worried?”
I take a deep breath, feeling better for telling Andie but still feeling so damn awkward talking about it. I knew she wouldn’t judge me. She’s not that kind of person, and her openness was one of the reasons that I opened up to her in the first place. “There was a note in the money. It said, ‘Stars can’t shine without darkness.’”
Andie frowns, and then puts her hand on my arm. “You think he means something by it? Or that he was just trying to be clever?”
“I don’t know. He was just creepy, and that note, it felt like a warning. Like he’s the darkness and he’s going to come back so that I can shine. Does that sound stupid?”
“No, not at all. It all sounds weird. But look, he doesn’t know what you look like because of the mask…you did keep the mask on?”
“Yeah. I never take it off.”
“Okay. And you weren’t followed on the way back to campus?”
My heart sinks. I wasn’t watching out for a tail. I was more concerned with getting my money home safely. I hadn’t seen the note then, so I wasn’t on alert like I am now.
“I don’t know. I didn’t check.”
“Mmm.”
“What are you thinking?”
Andie looks around us, as though she’s looking for someone suspicious. She’s obviously taking me seriously which is a relief, but it’s also pretty scary. I was hoping she was going to tell me that I’m being paranoid or just worrying about nothing. “I’m thinking that you should tell campus security, and that you should find out if the management at the club know who he is. I think you should tell them what he put in the note and that you’re scared.”
“I think that Jack, who owns the club, knows him.”
“Well then. It’s probably nothing, but I really think you should follow it up, just in case.”
I rub my hand over my face nervously, feeling that horrible crushing feeling of pressure that comes with worry and uncertainty. “I don’t want to cause problems at the club. If I tell Jack, he’ll see me as a troublemaker. There are hundreds of girls who would fill my place. They never have a vacancy for more than a day or two. I can’t risk my job over this. I needed that $2,000, but it won’t be worth much to me if I lose my weekly income.”
Andie shifts closer and puts her arm around me, giving me a squeeze and then pulling my head onto her shoulder. “Well, if you’re not going to tell Jack, maybe you should just tell Kaleb? At least if someone knows, if something happens, they will know to track this guy down.”
I nod because that’s a good idea. It won’t be an easy thing to tell Kaleb, but he already knows something happened so I guess telling him the full story won’t matter too much.
“And you need to keep aware, okay. When you’re leaving the club, get someone to walk you to your car. Before you get out of your car, take a good look around to make sure there’s no one lurking. Don’t walk around late at night by yourself.”
I think about my deal with Big D. I’m supposed to go there tonight at 8pm. It’s going to be getting dark about that time, and when I leave it will definitely be dark. “I’m supposed to be going to see Dominic tonight. It’s our second tutoring session.”
“You’re going to his place?”
“Yeah. He has practice so he has to go home to eat.”
“It’s a lot of running around for you.”
“I guess, but it’s not like I’m not getting something out of it.”
She shakes her head. “You’re too nice, you know that. Sometimes you’ve got to push for what suits you, not just bend to the demands of others all the time.”
I think about what she said. It’s true. Most of the decisions I make are for the benefit of other people rather than myself. It’s hard when people are depending on me. My family, and Big D too. I’ve always thought that it was a good thing to be conscientious and caring about other people. But maybe Andie is right. Maybe I need to start putting myself first some of the time. “I’ll call him and see if he’ll walk me home at the very least.”
She shakes her head but smiles. “I guess that’s better than nothing.”
I find him in my contact list and call his number. It rings a few times before he answers.
“Hannah.”
“Yeah. How are you?”
“I’m good,” he says. How are you?”
I cringe a little at the formality of it all. “Well, I’ve got a favor to ask.”
“Okay.” He sounds a little wary and I wonder what he’s thinking I’m about to say.
“Can you walk me home after our tutoring session tonight?”
He’s quiet for a moment. “Sure. Is there something wrong? Did something happen the other night?”
“No. Well, I’d just feel safer if you’d walk me across campus. It’s gonna be late.”
“Sure. That’s fine.”
I smile at his gruff voice, imagining him sitting in his room, maybe on his bed. Maybe I disturbed him catching up on some sleep. Maybe that’s why he sounds so raspy. Or maybe I interrupted something else. My cheeks flame at the thought of him with his hand inside his jogging pants, stroking that big thing he has between his legs. The thing that rumors are made of.
“Okay. Well, I’ll see you later then. Bye.”
“Bye.” I hang up quickly and Andie bursts out laughing.
“Oh my god, girl. You just blushed.”
I drop my phone into my lap and put my hands over my cheeks. “It’s hot out.”
“That is not it and you know it,” she laughs.
“Look, it’s not my fault. He sounded all sleepy like he was in bed when I called. And then I thought about what he might be doing in bed. It’s normal, okay.”
“Sure it is. Nothing to do with the fact that you like him.”
“Nothing at all,” I scoff, and then burst out laughing. “Oh for fuck’s sake, who am I kidding. That man is so sexy. Even his fingers and his feet turn me on.”
“Ewww,” Andie says, screwing up her nose. “Feet.”
“Yeah. They’re massive and really nice. You know, straight toes, golden skin.”
I cringe, realizing I sound like a total freak. Andie’s looking at me like I’ve totally lost the plot. “Straight toes are turning you on now? You need to get out more, girl. Like, as a matter of urgency. You need to get some lovin’ too. No more rule. I’m starting to worry about your sanity.”
She looks at her watch. “You know we’re gonna be late for lectures.”
“Oh god,” I say, scrambling to my feet. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be stupid,” she says. “This was something that needed to be talked through.”
“Maybe the first part, but the feet conversation could have been left to another time!”
Andie giggles. “That was my favorite part. I have a whole new insight into your troubled mind.” She holds out her hand for me to pull her up and we both laugh at how ridiculous life is sometimes. I feel lighter for talking to her about my troubles. That’s what true friends are all about. Turn a frown upside down. There for the shit and the giggles.
But as we make our way back into the building for our next lecture, I find myself looking over my shoulder for Gray Suit anyway.
8
Hannah
Dominic is wearing shorts when I arrive for our tutoring session. His legs are mesmerizing. Heavily muscled calves covered in a dusting of soft looking hair that I want to stroke. Even as I think these thoughts I can hear Andie’s imaginary reaction. ‘You see!’ she says in my head. ‘You’ve got it bad.’ Maybe I have.
I do my best to keep my mind on the subject matter. Today’s topic is more complex than Tuesday’s. I only manage to cover one lecture’s worth and his frown is deep. When I catch him rubbing his face like he’s stressing, I stop talking.
“Are you okay?”
Dominic looks up at me through his thick dark lashes, eyes as black as coal, and it almost takes my breath away.
“Yeah. Just trying to take it all in.”
“You know if you need me to stop so you can ask questions, just say. These sessions are all about you learning what you need to. I’m happy to approach it any way that will get you to where you need to be.”
He takes a deep breath and sits back in his chair, tossing his pen down on top of his notepad.
“I think I need a drink. You want a Coke or something?”
“Just some water would be good.”
He stands to go to the kitchen down the hall, and I follow him, feeling like I need to stretch my legs. The kitchen in this dorm is big, with a large table. Two people are tucking into some noodles and they nod their heads at Big D and look at me with interest. I guess we must look a little strange. We’re not chatting like friends. It’s all a little formal.
He grabs a glass from a high cupboard and fills it from the tap on the fridge. When he’s handed it to me, he gets himself a Coke and then we make our way back to his room. It’s when he closes the door to his room again that he asks me what’s going on.
“What do you mean?”
“Why do need me to walk you back tonight? Did something happen the other night when you were walking back to your dorm?” I shake my head. “So why do you suddenly not feel comfortable walking on your own?”
I’m about to make up an excuse, but I hate lying. The thing is, there is no way I can tell him the truth. At least, not without confessing to a whole lot more than I ever want anyone on campus to know, apart from Andie. I opt to go with half of the truth.
“Something happened at my job that creeped me out a little. I just think it’s better to be safe than sorry.
He looks like he wants to ask me lots of questions, but I’m picking up the notes from Professor Starkie and focusing on them, hoping that he’ll get the hint.
Dominic studies hard, but I catch him watching me a few times during the session. When he’s done his essay plan and I’ve marked it, adding some extra ideas to help him expand his thinking, he gets a call. It’s at exactly the same time as the other night.
He gets up and lumbers to where his phone is plugged in to charge, and answers in exactly the same way as he did before; soft voice and gentle words.
I can hear what sounds like a little girl’s voice on the other end. Big D tells whoever it is that he’s been studying and won’t be able to talk for long because he has to walk his tutor home. After a few questions about school and dinner, he hangs up, then turns to me.
“Sorry about that. I have a regular call I have to take.” No mention of who it is or why. He looks away quickly, searching out his socks and sneakers. I get the feeling he doesn’t want to talk about it, pretty much because he’s doing the same distraction/eye-contact avoidance thing that I did before. It’s weird, but knowing he has things in his life that he wants to keep a secret, too, makes me feel less like a freak. In a way, I want to know what he’s hiding, but on the other hand, I’ve gotta respect his privacy because that’s what I’d hope for in return.
I gather my belongings and follow him out of the building. It’s funny because he’s not very talkative, but I don’t feel uncomfortable. There is a warmth about Big D; something to do with his size and slow way he moves when he’s off the field that’s calming.
It’s only when we’re exiting his building that he turns to look at me. “I’m sorry that I made you come to me for this study thing. I’m sorry that I didn’t think to offer to walk you home the other night. I guess I’m not the gentleman that my mom hoped I’d turn out to be.”
I smile and punch him lightly on his huge, rock hard bicep. “You’re fine as you are, Dominic. I’m not exactly the shrinking wallflower type. I’m always walking around by myself, and this campus is pretty safe for the most part. It’s just this one thing that’s got me feeling a little uncomfortable.”
His mouth quirks, but he doesn’t say anything for a while. We walk, him with his hands tucked into his pockets, and me, holding onto the strap of my bag. It’s a warm evening so I’m just in a blouse, skirt, and sneakers. There aren’t too many people around and I get an urge to slip my arm through his and walk in that companionable way that old people do.
“You ready for your next game?” I ask him.
“Football is simple. I know what I need to do. When I get hold of that ball, it’s like there’s something that connects it to me.” He scratches his head and smiles sheepishly. “It sounds stupid.”
“Nah,” I say. “I get what you mean. “I can see that when you play.”
“It’s always been that way, from when I was a little kid and I held my first ball. Even though it was too big for my hands and so heavy, I got this feeling like it was meant to be a part of me.”
“You mean, like
a calling?”
“I’m not talking about a religious experience,” he laughs. “It’s just like some people see numbers, and they can do complicated math without any effort at all. Football was my thing.”
I shrug. “I never had a thing.” I guess I feel envious of his certainty about what he’s supposed to do with his life.
“You have a thing, for sure.”
“What?”
“History. The way you talk about it. The way you get it. It’s your thing.”
I shake my head. “I have to work damn hard at it. Every essay takes it out of me. It’s not a natural thing.”
“And you think I don’t have to work hard at football? Every training session is grueling. Every game is another challenge; facing the highs of winning and the lows of losing. Working on the things that are going to improve your game in the long run. Even though I feel that the ball is part of me, I still have to push myself to stay sharp.”
I smile at his enthusiasm and think back to the last game I saw him play. There had been a moment when it all seemed to be going wrong. The ball was flying loose and off target, but somehow Big D seemed to move like lightening. I still can’t fathom how his huge frame can move so fast on the field. In everyday life, he doesn’t seem so light on his feet. And I’ve never seen his eyes so lit up by anything before as when he’s talking now.
“I wish I had your calling,” I say. It’s hard to know what’s motivating me in my life right now; my own dreams or life’s pressures.”
“You want to play football?” he asks, grinning at his own stupid joke.
“Can you see it?” I laugh.
“I think you’d look good in a jersey.”
There’s a moment where I imagine myself in his jersey and nothing else. My cheeks flame because I’m sure that isn’t what he had in mind, but when I glance across at him to see his expression, his cheeks look a little flushed too.
BIG D: A SPORTS ROMANCE Page 5