by Holly Martin
I blushed and looked away so Harry wouldn’t see me.
Harry walked back towards his red SUV which had been abandoned in the middle of the road. He sat me in the driver’s seat and wrapped his coat tightly round me. He turned the heating on full blast, kissed me on the forehead and left me alone in the car.
I watched him talk to the men. I wondered what he was telling them about what had happened. There were a lot of hand gestures but the police were laughing now – Harry was working his charm as always. My little car didn’t seem to be going anywhere, which made my overreaction even more embarrassing.
I watched as they attached a rope from my car to the police car and, with a little bit of coercion and help from Harry and the other officer, they pulled my car back onto the road. And after a few more laughs, Harry grabbed my things from the car and came back to me.
‘How you doing?’ he said, motioning for me to scoot over so he could get in.
‘I’m feeling a bit silly.’
‘What? Why? It was an accident. Nothing to feel silly about.’
‘I thought I was going to die.’
‘I thought you were going to die too, scared me half to death when I saw you go over the edge. I literally have never been so terrified before in my entire life.’
I looked at him as he started the car.
Is that why he’d kissed me back, because he’d been scared as well? We should really speak about the kiss. It lay unspoken between us.
‘What happened anyway? One minute you were driving along, the next you just went over the cliff. Did you fall asleep at the wheel or something?’
‘It was a deer, I just swerved and the next thing I know I’m going over the edge.’
‘Pesky deer.’
He was smiling hugely to himself, as if the whole thing was hilarious. He waved his thanks at the police and turned the car around to head back to the town where my hotel was.
‘What about my car?’
‘The police are going to drive it back, they’re heading that way anyway.’
‘What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in New York.’
‘I wanted to catch you up. I was going to surprise you.’
‘You did that all right, I was very surprised to see you.’
He laughed. ‘I could tell.’
Oh no, the kiss. How was I going to explain that?
I was still shaking and I buried myself deep in his coat, relishing his wonderful scent that washed over my senses. There was a small tear in his sleeve and I desperately tried to focus my attention on that instead of the forthcoming explanation.
*
Soft voices pulled me from my sleep. I opened one eye and realised I was lying on Harry’s chest, his arm clamped tightly round my shoulders. After we’d returned to the hotel, to Harry’s room which he had quite obviously slept in the night before, Harry had called the car rental place to discuss insurance – and informed Silver Linings and Sunlounger too in case they needed to know. I must have fallen asleep shortly after that, and now he was here by my side, holding me tight. None of it made any sense; that he was here when he should have been still in New York. And even more confusing was that Chloe was clearly here with him too.
‘So she kissed you?’ Chloe said. I couldn’t see her from where I was lying and I kept very still to listen to the conversation.
‘Yeah I know,’ said Harry. ‘Don’t look at me like that, it didn’t mean anything, she was terrified.’
‘I’ve been terrified quite a few times in my life, I’ve never kissed anyone like that because of it.’
‘She was just pleased to see me.’
‘I’d say.’
Chloe seemed really annoyed by this latest development. I was clearly stepping on toes. She liked him, that much was clear.
‘It didn’t mean anything,’ Harry repeated.
I sat up and looked at Chloe and back down at Harry. ‘I’m sorry,’ I muttered, moving to get off the bed but Harry stopped me.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Back to my room.’
‘Oh no you’re not. Not a chance,’ Harry said, vehemently. ‘Chloe will sleep in your room tonight.’
This was obviously news to Chloe as she glared at Harry but he just glared back at her.
‘Please, I don’t want to get in the middle of something. I’m sorry, I really am.’ I moved to leave again, but Harry physically stopped me.
Chloe stood up and stalked out the room.
I stared at Harry and I knew the topic of the kiss just wasn’t going to go away.
‘Please don’t,’ I whispered. ‘Just don’t. I’m sorry I kissed you, I was scared and ridiculously pleased to see you. Please don’t read anything into it. Let’s enjoy this trip. We’re going to travel the world and have an amazing time and I’d like to do that without this awkward cloud hanging over our heads.’
He stared at me and I wished for the thousandth time that I could read his thoughts, it would make everything so much simpler.
‘So… we’re just going to forget it ever happened and never speak of it again?’
‘Yes.’
I willed him to drop it. If he wanted to know why I had kissed him, if he pushed me for an answer, I feared everything would come out and where would that leave our friendship then? If we couldn’t be together then I still wanted him as a friend, I needed him as a friend. I wouldn’t have been able to get through the last few months without him by my side and I wanted to be there for him too – to see him happy, settling down, maybe having kids. I didn’t want to ruin that with a declaration of my undying love.
‘You kissed me.’
Oh crap, he really wasn’t going to let this go.
‘As a friend. We’re friends. We hug and stuff all the time, it didn’t mean anything.’
‘Right.’ He seemed angry. ‘That’s all that was then, a friend kiss? Because it felt like a hell of a lot more than that to me.’
‘I was scared, relieved. Please don’t push this. It will ruin everything between us.’
He stared at me for a moment, clearly wanting to dig deeper, but he didn’t. ‘We better get some sleep. We have an early start tomorrow.’
I nodded and lay down with my head on his chest again. He didn’t push me off but he didn’t hold me either. After a few minutes of me lying there awkwardly, feeling unwanted, I rolled off him. A few moments after that, he rolled over to face away from me.
SECRET BLOG
I’m so confused. After rescuing Suzie from a near fatal car accident, we kissed – well she kissed me and I damned well kissed her back. It was incredible, it was everything I hoped it would be and more. There was real feeling in that kiss. In that moment I knew that she felt the same for me too.
But afterwards she brushed it off, said it didn’t mean anything. She said it would ruin everything between us if I pushed it.
I was so disappointed. Chloe was furious that she would toy with me like that. She’s gone back to New York and wanted me to come with her. But I’ve stayed. I need to talk to Suzie about this.
You guys have been brilliant so far with your support and although I don’t always agree with your methods, I would appreciate your take on this.
COMMENTS
Megan Wood says: She loves you, definitely. You don’t kiss someone like that if you don’t have feelings for them. I don’t care how scared someone is. That kiss meant something to her and she’s denying it because she’s scared you don’t feel the same way.
Victoria Stone says: I want to fly out there and bang your heads together. You love her, she loves you, just tell her. What’s holding you back?
Harry Forbes says: I wish it was that simple Victoria. Issues from my childhood have left me fearing rejection as much as someone with acute arachnophobia fears spiders. I’ve tried, believe me I have. Many times over the last two years, I’ve plucked up the courage to give her my heart and every time I’ve been left a sweating quivering wreck. That was the whole point of the
se proposals, so I could show her how much she meant to me rather than actually telling her. But I know she needs to hear the words, she said as much herself. I will tell her… one day.
Tilly Tennant says: I’m new to this secret blog but even without reading all the entries, I’d have to agree with the others. She loves you, any fool can see that.
Kirsty MacLennan says: She loves you. Kiss her again and this time don’t stop until you’re both sweaty and naked.
Laura Lovelock says: She definitely loves you, what are you waiting for?
*
Proposer’s Blog
Day 31: The Fossilised Proposal. Location: Athabasca Glacier.
A fantastic journey across the Icefields Parkway towards the glacier. We saw moose, elk and a fleeting glimpse of a wolf on the trip through the wilderness. Suzie was like a child as she excitedly pointed out all the sights.
We boarded what can only be described as a 4x4 bus, with huge, thick wheels, to travel across the Glacier.
The beauty of the place was staggering. Where before we have viewed the incredible mountain landscape at a distance, today we were literally driving through it, so close to the mountains we could reach out and touch them.
At the midway point we were allowed to step out of the bus onto the glacier, onto the ice and snow that had been there for thousands of years.
Everyone was busy taking photos and touching the ice and the mountains. I tried to guide Suzie surreptitiously towards where the pre-prepared proposal was. Things have been a bit awkward between us today and after sitting on the bus together almost in silence, I think she was relieved to be able to get away from me, even for a short while. Which didn’t help the proposal. We only had limited time on the ice before we were to re-board the bus and make our way back to our hotel. I wanted her to find the proposal herself but short of grabbing her and frog marching her towards it, I was at a bit of a loss about what to do.
Suddenly someone else found it, another one of the tourists. And with the screams and shouts from this couple, everyone came running to see what they had found underneath the ice, including thankfully Suzie. It wasn’t the discreet proposal I had been hoping for, but the crowd effect is always a good one.
As Suzie pushed her way through the people, she saw it too. In a lump of ice and snow, looking like it had been there for hundreds of years, was the proposal written in stones and twigs. I had asked an ice sculptor to create it and then the Ice Explorer crew had placed it onto the glacier the day before and poured water over it to freeze it in place.
The effect was stunning. Suzie’s face, as she looked around for me, was an absolute picture. The crowd realised the proposal was meant for her and as she approached me they all started cheering. I got down on one knee and then there was silence as they waited for her answer. For the first time I honestly thought I was going to get one too.
She bent down and whispered in my ear. ‘Get up and hug me or I’ll never hear the end of it.’
So I did and the crowd roared, thinking she had said yes. Not the romantic ending I was hoping for, but still she was smiling all the way back to the hotel, which was definitely something.
Proposer’s Blog
Day 32: The Chainsaw Sculpture Proposal. Location: Lake Louise.
We had the day to explore Lake Louise so we hired a car and drove round the lake, the small town and into the mountains. The lake is the most gorgeous turquoise colour and it just looks startling against the backdrop of the mountains.
But I wanted Suzie to see something else. Max Cordwain is a chainsaw artist who lives nearby. With the use of chainsaws and other power tools he can quickly and skilfully produce the most magnificent sculptures and works of art.
As we drove up, great wooden horses and bears adorned the driveway to his house, accompanied by tiny intricate fairies and birds. The man clearly had loads of talent.
Unfortunately he was the best looking bloke I had ever seen in my entire life. This man literally had a square jaw, his muscles were huge, dark curly hair that fell over his eyes as he worked, thighs like tree trunks. If I had been gay, I would have been fawning all over him too.
Yes, as he carved my proposal into this deep red wood, Suzie couldn’t take her eyes off him for one second. It didn’t help that halfway through the carving, he took his top off, and stood half naked as he tore manfully through the trunk of the tree, gliding his tools with ease – like a knife through butter. To say Suzie was turned on would be a massive understatement. She barely noticed the proposal come to life under his hands, she only had eyes for him.
I’m a big man but as she stared at him with lust filled eyes, I have never felt so inadequate and small before. I don’t think she even noticed I was there. I felt like getting back in the car and driving off and leaving them to it.
Finally he produced the finished piece and handed her the beautiful plaque with the words carved in big chunky letters. She barely gave it a glance.
I was not impressed.
My advice my dear would-be proposers: if you enlist help in your proposals, make sure the people helping you are as ugly as sin first.
I felt bad about that proposal, of course I did. Max had been gorgeous, I admit that. He was the first person other than Harry that I’d imagined doing wicked and dirty things to for over two years. I was surprised to feel such an urge when I met Max. It probably hadn’t helped that since I had kissed Harry, he had started to pull away from me. I could feel him distancing himself from me. We talked and things were still sort of friendly on the surface but there was this… awkwardness between us now that had never been there before. He obviously knew how I felt and was trying to push me away. So I suppose I appreciated Max a bit too much to try to show Harry I wasn’t really interested in him. Harry had been quite annoyed.
What I hadn’t expected was the reaction of the followers on the blog. Since Harry had posted the chainsaw proposal the day before, the followers’ comments had been quite nasty and I had received five rather hurtful emails from followers telling me what a cow I was.
‘Harry is lovely and beautiful, you don’t deserve him you bitch,’ said one.
‘I can’t believe he is going to all this effort to show how much he loves you and you would rather spend your time ogling the woodcutter, what a complete and utter cow,’ said another.
Talk about completely misunderstanding the situation.
‘You’re either blind, gay, stupid or just an attention seeking slut, which is it? Either way I don’t think much of Harry’s taste in women.’
‘So your brother dies, Harry spends months helping you pick up the pieces, he takes you around the world and proposes to you in incredible and beautiful ways and you take a shine to the first person who flashes a bit of flesh. You ungrateful, stuck up tart.’
‘Harry deserves so much better than you, you make me sick. You fuc-’
Harry walked into the hotel room, distracting me from the laptop. I quickly closed the screen so he wouldn’t see the emails. He was obviously cold from being outside as he rubbed his hands together to get warm.
He stopped when he saw me. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing, just answering emails and stuff, nothing important.’
He tilted his head. ‘You look upset.’
‘No, I’m fine.’ I was annoyed with how not fine my voice was. They were right, I was a horrible person.
Harry was still not convinced and I cursed that he knew me so well. He moved to take the laptop off me, I held onto it, but he was stronger and he forced it out of my grasp.
He opened it up and started reading. His face turned to thunder.
‘What the hell is this?’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘Of course it matters. How dare they write those things to you.’
I sighed. ‘It doesn’t help, though, that you write these blog pieces like you’re in love with me and I end up looking like the bad guy because I’m not saying yes to any of these proposals. I know that’s what
Silver Linings wants to see, all romance and flowers and birds singing but that’s simply not the case at all. We’re just friends and I think our followers need to know that.’
He stared at me for what seemed like an eternity. ‘Just friends?’
‘I don’t mean just friends, you’re so much more than a friend to me…’ I trailed off. Oh what a tangled web we weave. ‘You’ve been incredible after Jack, through all of this, you mean the world to me and I…’
‘I’m going to take care of this, don’t think about it again. Get yourself ready, we need to leave in half an hour.’
With the laptop under his arm, he stormed out.
Our nice relaxing trip on the lake this afternoon wasn’t looking so promising now. I had hoped it would be fun and we could somehow recapture the cosy bond between us. As the door slammed behind him, that prospect was looking less and less likely.
*
Harry’s mood hadn’t improved at all by the time we stood on the shores of Lake Louise an hour later. He wouldn’t tell me what he had said to the people who had emailed me but evidently it wasn’t nice.
We had hired two canoes to take us to the furthest shores, and a half hour’s walk from there was a log cabin we were going to spend the night in. I couldn’t imagine anything more romantic, even though the mood hanging between us at the moment was anything but romantic.
Harry took off, his powerful arms ploughing through the water, whilst I seemed to struggle to go in a straight line. The lake was big but the people who had rented the canoes seemed hopeful we could traverse it in about half an hour. I wasn’t hopeful that we could reach the other side before nightfall and it wasn’t even lunchtime yet.
Somehow I managed to get into a rhythm, and pointed myself in the right direction. But after a few short minutes my shoulders and back were screaming with the exertion of using muscles I hadn’t even known existed, let alone used before. I stopped for a breather. When Harry had mentioned it to me the day before, I’d imagined it would be fun. I was sweating, aching, out of breath and I’d barely crossed a third of the lake.