by Abigail Agar
Lady Ingles had been there. They had spent time together alone. They had discussed the date of their wedding. So clearly there was less hope than ever and it was foolish of her to think anything different.
“Miss Jamison?” Miss Franklin asked, trying to get Victoria to answer her question.
“Yes, forgive me. But I cannot tell you what it said. It is something that I must keep to myself for now. I am sorry,” she replied.
Miss Franklin nodded in understanding, as if giving up, even though she evidently was rather desperate to learn of the contents of the letter.
“Has it brought you some clarity?” she prodded.
“I think it has only left me more confused than ever,” Victoria laughed, sadly.
“Perhaps that is because I was right all along and you were not meant to leave. Or perhaps in trying to choose what was best for everyone, you made a sacrifice that caused more hurt than peace,” the maid said, understanding that this was the more likely of the two scenarios.
“Why are you so adept at reading me? I have always been told that I have a skill for understanding the emotions and motivations of others, but it would seem that you possess a similar ability,” Victoria laughed again, this time with a genuine chuckle.
“I think I must have learned it from you. Or perhaps it is because we have grown to be friends and I understand your emotions. But whatever it is, I can see that you are upset and that wounds me. I wish that I could see you happy, joyful. But it is not something I seem to ever see in you now,” Miss Franklin said.
“Yes, well, perhaps happiness shall be in my future, but for now I have a great deal of other things to be distracted by,” she replied.
Victoria waited for a moment, hoping that Miss Franklin would leave her in peace to read the letter again, but as the two had grown close it was clear that Miss Franklin preferred to be with her. It was as if she could sense the pain that was waiting for Victoria.
So with that in mind, she relaxed and sat calmly with Miss Franklin, trying to think of other things they could discuss that had nothing at all to do with the estate or the matters that surrounded them.
“Would you ever think to become a governess to Miss Marian?” Victoria asked with delight at the thought.
“Ha! I haven’t the full education for something like that. If I did, I promise you I would not be a housekeeper. I should love to be a governess, but it is not for me. I would have to go back and finish my own learning at a higher level before I could ever do that,” Miss Franklin replied.
Victoria understood and she had known that was the case even before, and yet it upset her that this was the fact. She knew that Marian would be able to handle Miss Franklin just fine as a governess. The two would get along well and it was evident that Miss Franklin would not be departing any time soon.
But it was simply impossible with her education not having gone far enough to qualify her as a governess.
Victoria had promised to remain until the Earl returned, but that was how it had to be anyway. None of the others she had contacted had replied to her yet. She still knew of nobody to take her place who might be a good match for Marian.
And yet, if this letter held any of the care and concern that she felt for the Earl, it would not matter. Perhaps, if she was fortunate enough, she might even be able to stay.
No, she had already deemed that unwise.
“Do you think dinner shall be ready soon?” Victoria asked, still trying to make conversation that would distract her from her own thoughts.
“I can certainly check. But if you wish to be alone to read that letter again, all you need to do is ask. I understand that there is clearly something in there that has you wrapped up in your thoughts,” Miss Franklin said, a knowing grin upon her face.
“Thank you,” Victoria smiled in embarrassment, understanding that she had been caught.
“It’s nothing,” Miss Franklin replied, standing to leave.
“Wait, just a moment,” Victoria then said.
“What is it?” she asked.
“What sort of humor was the Earl in when he handed you this to give to me? Was he unhappy? Or was he joyful?” she asked.
Miss Franklin paused in thought.
“I should like to say that he seemed happy, but that was not the case. I think rather that he had a great deal on his mind. There was a part of him that seemed as though he were simply searching for peace. But I cannot guarantee you one way or the other. I deem it best that you seek him out. Perhaps he has not yet left,” Miss Franklin suggested, once more with a look that told Victoria that she understood.
It seemed the best decision, but Victoria was paralysed at the thought of searching for him and trying to speak to him before he left.
Nevertheless, the moment that Miss Franklin had departed from the room, Victoria stood and stretched, trying to calm herself before she, too, left the room and made her way down the stairs to try and seek out the Earl.
Once she was in the hallway outside of his study, she knocked at the door. Perhaps she could speak with him one last time. Perhaps she could understand what he thought of her and what his words truly meant.
But there was no answer at the other end of the door. She opened it ever so slightly and peeked in to find the room empty.
Victoria wondered if perhaps he was in his own room, or even the parlour or drawing room or the library. But she could not very well search them all without losing propriety in such actions, and that was not the sort of impression she wished to give on the day that he departed.
So she waited until one of the other maids came by and asked if he was still in the home.
“I believe he has departed,” she answered.
And that certainly made the most sense.
Victoria felt defeated, but she was able to push through it. The Earl had gone and she would have three days to wait for him, three days to hope for answers.
Making her way back through the estate, she felt a need to breathe in fresh air. The weight of the house, the weight of her decisions, they were too great.
Victoria exited the front door and walked toward the gardens, feeling that if she could be among their beauty for even a moment, she might recover herself. It would not make things right, but it would be something beautiful that she could depend on.
It was growing dark outside and a gentle breeze had come in. Victoria wished she had brought something to wrap over her shoulders, but there was no sense in going back inside for that now.
She sat on the bench just inside the gate of the gardens, knowing that she was protected from view by the topiaries and the high walls covered in vines and ivy. The solitude gave her freedom.
And with that, Victoria buried her face in her hands to weep for what she was soon to lose. It had been terribly difficult to try and keep her strength around others for even a moment. All she wanted was to be free to cry for all she was giving up.
“Miss Jamison?” came the soft, familiar voice.
Victoria looked up, shocked to see him. The dark eyes, the scar upon his cheek, the concern that brought his brows to meet.
Stunned for a moment, she was silent. But gathering herself and wiping her cheeks, she managed to speak.
“Forgive me, I did not know that you were here. I thought you had departed,” she apologised.
“There is nothing to forgive. I could not leave just yet. I had to come out here for a walk, to clear my head,” the Earl confessed.
“I see…” she replied, feeling rather foolish.
He seated himself beside her, neither of them looking at one another directly, but staring at the sky as it darkened.
“Why do you weep?” he asked.
“For all that I am leaving behind,” she admitted.
He was quiet, but Victoria knew that the Earl was thinking, choosing his words carefully. She wondered if he was going to shame her for the confession she had made, if he would gently tell her not to be a fool and wish for his care.
“Did you
receive my letter?” he asked, instead.
“Indeed, my lord,” she replied.
“And you will stay? Until my return?” he asked.
Victoria paused and inhaled. “Yes, I shall remain until your return,” she promised.
The Earl reached for her hand and wrapped his own around it, giving a gentle squeeze.
“I have much I should dearly love to say to you, Miss Jamison. But for now, I cannot. For now, I have a matter which must be attended to. But when I return, we shall speak. And I ask that, in the meantime, you dry your tears,” he said, turning to face her.
The hand let go of hers and lifted to her cheek. With a tender brush of his fingertips, he wiped away a loose droplet that rested upon her jaw.
Victoria was captivated by his eyes, but he tore away from the mutual gaze as if steeling himself.
“Three days…” he whispered, standing from the bench.
She watched him leave, growing smaller until he turned the corner and was gone from her sight. Nothing was left but the falling darkness of night.
Chapter 31
Morning dawned and Victoria awoke for the day. It would not be an easy one, but very few easy days had passed in recent times.
The letter from the Earl taunted her from the desk and Victoria found her way over to it again and read the words once more. What sort of man did she make him to be? When would he allow that man to care for her? Would he ever? And what was the meaning of those brief moments they had together the previous evening?
When would that man give himself in marriage to Lady Ingles? That was the better question to ask. It was the one which be answered soon enough. It was the one which would come to pass within weeks, most likely.
She read through it again, taking in the words.
What I have to ask you, what I have to beg you for, is that you shall not leave before my arrival.
I am going to make everything right.
Yes, he had asked her to remain and that was difficult enough. But remaining until he came to prove himself the wonderful man that she already knew him to be? Could she bear to see any more of that man that she cared for so deeply? Why did she have to be faced with him when she already knew that he was good and kind and true?
Victoria set the letter down.
She would soon depart down the stairs to continue her studies with Marion. But although the sun was shining and the air was fresh coming through the window, Victoria remained downcast.
Still hurting, still confused, her heart yearned for the Earl. He had said he would return in three days’ time. But until then, what was she to do? How was she to push onwards?
She thought for a moment about her mother and father and the life that they were currently living. It was a life that had required so much forgiveness on her mother’s part and so much humility from her father. Did not everyone have to face the challenges of relationships?
And yet here there was nothing to overcome. There was only what she had to accept. And that was the very fact of Lady Ingles being engaged to the Earl. So she would accept that and move onwards.
Victoria dressed and made her way down the stairs in order to meet with Marian and work through the studies for the day.
Yet when she approached the child, it was evident that something had taken place. Something had occurred and Victoria believed that she knew exactly what it was. She could see it in Marian’s eyes.
There was little doubt in her mind that Marian knew of her departure.
“Alright, we must be getting on with today’s lesson,” she began, not allowing Marian to have the first word of the day when she felt quite certain that it would be contentious.
“I have nothing more to learn from you,” Marian pouted, tears in her eyes and her lip quivering.
Victoria’s heart ached to see the sadness in her charge. She wished with all her heart that she could make it right, but there was nothing to be done now. She had already taken things far enough that she would be gone in a matter of days, or however long it might take to find a replacement.
“Marian,” she said softly, sighing the name with apology.
“No, you should just go. If you are going to leave me anyway then there is nothing you can say to make it better,” she whimpered.
“Marian, we cannot allow your education to falter. Not even for a day. I know that you are upset. As am I. I do not wish to leave you. I have so much to tell you and I must urge you to listen to me about my leaving,” Victoria insisted.
“I shall hear none of it,” Marian cried stubbornly, clinging to the attitude that had softened under the tutelage of Victoria.
In reply, Victoria knew that she had two choices. She could demand obedience and receive it, meted out with anger and bitterness. Or she could simply hug Marian and hold her until she calmed down. She would then explain everything.
The latter seemed the better option.
Victoria wrapped her arms around Marian and allowed her to weep. It was distressing in every way, but she knew that it was the only solution. Not that it solved any real problems, but it gave a small sense of peace where there had been none before.
“Please don’t go,” Marian whispered. “I promise to be good.”
Victoria felt her heart break all over again. She needed Marian to understand that none of it was her fault. She had promised the Earl that she would clarify that to Marian, but she was desperate to help her to believe it and to know that it was true. She was desperate to be heard and understood.
“Oh, my dear! It is not you who has caused me to leave. You must hear this over anything else. I wish that I could remain just to be with you. I wish that I could remain as your governess, stay and look after you. I wish that I could be here always.
“But something has arisen which forces me to leave. Something beyond my control that I cannot discuss. And I have to ask you to forgive me. Even if you will not, I urge you to remember that it is nothing you have done which has sent me away,” she promised, the tears flowing from her own eyes in reply.
“But I am always left,” Marian sobbed. “I am always left behind and I cannot understand why. If you love me, if my mother loved me, why then am I always abandoned?”
Victoria could not catch her own breath and she felt her tears wet Marian’s dark hair. She could not escape the pain of the child’s words and wished for nothing but the ability to make things right, to convince her that this was not her doing.
“Life is often unfair, my dear. I wish that I could tell you otherwise. I wish that I could say that things always turn out well in the end. But that is not always the case. Sometimes, we are taken before our time. But you shall grow up and have wonderful opportunities in your life. Of that, I have no doubt,” she promised.
“But no one will ever love me like you have,” Marian continued.
“That is not true. Your father loves you dearly. And I feel quite certain that we shall discover for you a tremendous new governess, one that you like. One who makes you happier than I ever could,” she grinned.
But Marian was evidently still not convinced.
“Papa told me that you were leaving. He said that it was not my doing. But he told me that you had to go and that he wanted to stop you but you are nearly as stubborn as I am,” she said.
Victoria laughed. “Then I ought to take that as a compliment because being compared to you is nothing less.”