by Abigail Agar
Observant and disbelieving, were those not her two most apparent qualities? Could she not hold to them in equal measure?
Could Lady Ingles and Mr. Smith really have been married? And what was all this nonsense about him having been there and having arranged it? It seemed like utter foolishness and Victoria waited for the Earl to laugh and tell her it was all a ruse. Perhaps he and Lady Ingles had been the two to wed. Or perhaps it was an untruth so that he might yell at her for the lies she had told.
Until then, Victoria had managed to keep her emotions unreadable, to remain flat in every respect. It had not been easy. The challenge was nearly unbearable, but she had been strong.
Here it was, in the middle of the night. She was tired and she was surprised. But she had determined not to show him how she felt, not to give way to her feelings. She had expected him to call her down only to beg her not to leave but to remain as Marian’s governess. Anything more would have been sheer nonsense and she knew it. So whatever the reason was that he was claiming such an event to have occurred, she simply would not accept it until the proof was before her.
And for all of those things, Victoria knew that she would be able to control herself and refrain from showing her emotion and sharing how she truly felt about these matters. If she accepted his words as truth, there would be no option for her to keep herself from bursting with joy.
But this was something entirely different. This was a fact that could change everything if she allowed it to. If she burst with that joy, if she believed it to be fact, her very future might change forever. And that was a thought that she was quite unwilling to accept.
It was simply an impossibility. The Earl arranging for his betrothed to marry another man, one whom she loved, seemed a foolish impossibility to hope for. Did he think Victoria gullible enough to believe this? Did he deem her simple and foolish?
It seemed that he did, for the same beautiful and ridiculous grin had been on his face throughout nearly the whole conversation. And every question that was in her heart was going unanswered, but it was still alright because if he were telling the truth then none of her other questions might matter until it came to the point at which she could ask him why he did all of this.
For another eternity or two, Victoria realised that she was flinging her thoughts back and forth between the two possibilities. Either the Earl was making a cruel joke at her expense or he was telling the truth. She could not accept either as the truth, for the former made him to be a man that she did not know and the latter was too wonderful to believe.
“Miss Jamison?” the Earl asked in concern, waiting for her to respond. She looked at him in wonder, hoping once more that he was telling her the truth.
“H-how?” she asked. “How did all of this come about? How did you make all of it happen and arrange for…how did this happen?”
With the words that he had just spoken and the news that had just been shared, Miss Jamison was nearly delirious and it appeared that the Earl could sense it. He was gentle with her, slow in his explanations.
He smiled at her then, appearing relieved to have any sort of response and evidently glad to be able to share his news, even if she had not yet accepted it.
“When Lady Ingles came to see me that day, I felt that I must rush our marriage. You see, I knew that the feelings I have toward you are such that a man ought not to have when he was betrothed to another,” the Earl began.
Victoria saw the guilt in his eyes, a look she had never seen from her father during his affairs. It made her respect the Earl more, knowing that he felt shame for even considering a woman other than his fiancée. That was something about him that she could find herself truly appreciating.
“With that in mind, I was certain a quick marriage was best. It would mean that I had not betrayed the woman to whom I had committed myself and I knew that I would always remain faithful to her. I could push away the thoughts of another.
“I would have no other choice. Loyalty has always been a priority for me. I believe that it must be for all good men and women. It is a quality which I have seen demonstrated in you as well.
“But when we sat and I had suggested choosing a date, I saw the panic in her eyes. You departed so rapidly that I was unable to share with you my thoughts any further and you missed the announcement made by Lady Ingles,” he hinted. The look in his eye was one that wished for Victoria to guess at his meaning and to figure out the news for herself.
“The announcement?” Victoria questioned. She thought back to that day and was simply humiliated that she had run off so urgently and foolishly. And yet, she had been glad to be rid of the Earl and his betrothed in that moment which had been so deeply painful. Why she was having to relive it now? She could not help but be bitter for this.
“She broke down in tears, apologising again and again. I speak, of course, of Lady Ingles. I could not understand her reasoning, could not figure out why she was so filled with guilt and shame that left her running around repeatedly in her concern. But finally, she calmed herself enough to confess to me the truth. As my heart had not been faithful to her, nor was hers faithful to me,” the Earl said with a look of sheer joy, despite the seriousness of the thing that he was sharing with Victoria.
“That is how you know?” Victoria asked, hesitantly.
She had not expected Lady Ingles to ever confess, whether out of fear of hurting the Earl or of losing her position in society. It came as quite a shock to know that she had been willing to give it all up just to be honest.
That sort of bravery, even in the midst of unfaithfulness, left Victoria feeling deeply respectful of Lady Ingles. It could not have been an easy decision to make to come clean about an affair in the midst of an engagement. And yet, she had done the right thing.
“Yes, that is how I know. She told me of her love for Mr. Smith. I had known them to be friends, but must confess that I never suspected a romance between them. She also informed me that you kept the secret for her,” he said. But once more, despite the subject matter about which he was speaking, the Earl seemed utterly nonchalant and carefree about this news.
Victoria was anxious then, wondering if he would be angry as she felt he deserved to be. Would he rage at her for her silence? Would he forgive her for the lie? What if he decided to hold this against her? Could his casual behaviour in this discussion be a mere act in order to make her more comfortable before he began to turn on her for her dishonesty?
She certainly deserved it. And if he did that, she could hardly blame him for it.
“I understand, Miss Jamison,” he reassured her without Victoria having to ask. Whether he read her face or simply knew that it must be said, he spoke the very words that Victoria needed to hear.
“Lady Ingles explained to me how she pleaded with you. She told me that she wished for you to protect her reputation, to preserve our engagement, and most of all that you wished for Marian to have a mother. I cannot help but respect your reasoning for the silence,” he told her.
Victoria released a deep breath, relief filling her lungs that he was giving her grace for lying to him, for remaining quiet about something that could so deeply have affected him.
“Thank you for forgiving me for not telling you. I truly believed that I was doing what was best for you and your daughter. My loyalty is always with you. But I understand that this is not the sort of situation in which that was my decision to make. You ought to have been able to decide for yourself if this was the best thing and I kept it from you,” she confessed.
“Miss Jamison, you needn’t worry,” he replied softly. “I do understand. I am not concerned about all of that. For me, there is very little in this world that concerns me at all other than your happiness.”
Victoria was taken aback by these words and she inhaled a shaky breath. She did not deserve this grace. It overwhelmed her, but she knew herself to be undeserving of it.
“Why are you showing me so much kindness when I failed you?” she asked. “Would not most men de
em me untrustworthy for not exposing these lies?” she inquired.
“I care not for the actions of most men. I understand why you kept your silence and I shall not punish you for it when you believed it to be the right thing for me. More importantly, you believed it to be the right thing for my daughter,” he continued, adding the last part with intensity.
“I cannot bear to see her without a mother,” Victoria confessed.
And it was true. She wished for little else in all the world than to see Marian given the gift of someone to look out for her as a mother would. Whatever else had happened, whatever might cause the Earl to finally give up on her, she was determined that Marian would have that. She was determined that the young girl would not be alone any longer and that she would not have to fear abandonment in the future.
And while she still was unclear about her own choice that she had made, Victoria felt certain that the Earl knew the importance of giving Marian that very same thing and that he would make sure that it came to pass in one way or another.
“The love that you have for my daughter means everything to me,” the Earl said, his eyes misting over. “Well, perhaps not everything…”
Victoria was still for a moment. She was beginning to understand just how deep the Earl was in his feelings, and the very fact that there was so much she still did not understand about all of this.
And while she had asked him how it all had come to pass, a very important question still remained behind closed lips that finally opened to speak it aloud.
“Why?”
Chapter 34
“You wish to know why?” Reginald asked, smiling to himself this time more than to her. He was lost in a dreamland at that moment, thinking back to all the steps that had led him here.
“Lady Ingles confessed to me the love that she had for another. But I had not yet admitted to her that I, too, was a man who felt deeply for another. And when she left that day, having told me the truth, I had much to think about in terms of how to deal with the matter,” he began.
“But what really solidified my decision was when you came that evening to tell me of your resignation,” he said.
Victoria was quiet at this and Reginald tried to read her. He saw that there was some other emotion underneath it all, something she was trying to hide from him. Perhaps it was shame or regret. But it didn’t really matter. He would be able to put her mind at ease in only a moment.
“I should hope that you have not forgotten how that conversation came to an end,” he said, recalling clearly how she had looked when she made her pronouncement.
Miss Jamison blushed at the reminder and it made her appear lovelier than ever.
“You told me that I must know how you feel about me. And those words were all it took for my mind to begin spinning out of control and formulating a plan. Because you were right. I knew that my feelings were not exclusive. I sensed that there was something between us,” he told her, gripping her hands gently but tighter.
A shy smile came over her face, unbidden as an admittance that the feelings truly were mutual between them. Reginald felt like a fool for having tried to keep his own feelings at bay for all this time.
“Before that night, I dared not to hope or believe that you might care for me as I cared for you. I worried that you might think me a terrible man if I should begin to show you how my affections were towards you,” he confessed.
“And certainly, then, I could not have admitted them because I was betrothed to another,” Reginald added.
Miss Jamison nodded. “No matter how I would have loved to have heard the words, I would have thought less of you,” she giggled.
Seeing her joy begin to creep out, seeing how she was finally allowing herself to begin believing his words, Reginald was growing happier by the moment.
“Yes, well, I had no other choice but to visit Lady Ingles once I knew that you cared for me as I cared for you. I had to tell her that she was not the only one who loved another. I had to confess to her that I did not love her and that was a difficult thing to say as I did not wish to hurt her,” he confessed.
Reginald thought back to how hard that moment had been. Even knowing that she did not love him either, it had been a terrible moment to tell his betrothed that he did not feel for her what a husband ought to and that he had no desire to be her husband.
“Well, I did. I admitted that I felt no love towards her and that I did not believe we could make one another happy. These were all thoughts I had been having since early in the engagement, but I had settled for the fact that I needed to wed and that was the only part that mattered,” he said.
“But that was before I met you and all of these other facts followed.
“So bearing those things in mind, I gave her a choice,” he said, letting that hang in the air for a moment as he recounted the memory.
“What sort of choice?” Miss Jamison asked, desperate to know.
“I told her that if she wished it, I would still marry her. I had made a commitment and I was not going to back out of it lightly. I would remain a faithful husband if that was what she preferred. I would make every effort to treat her lovingly, even if it was not the sort of love that one should feel for their spouse. And I promised that I would remain her dear friend for life,” Reginald explained.
Miss Jamison nodded and her lips turned into a frown once more, as if wondering if this had been the decision made. But he had already told her that Lady Ingles and Mr. Smith were married, so he felt confident that her sadness would be brief.
“Miss Jamison, I gave her another choice as well. I told her that she could dissolve our agreement if she preferred that. I gave my guarantee that I would take every measure necessary to ensure that her reputation remained intact. We would take the necessary steps to avoid scandal,” he said.
“But how?” Miss Jamison asked, knowing how difficult it was to avoid scandal in society.
“I told her that I would even take the blame upon myself if necessary. But I think that will not happen. Lady Ingles is…” he tried to search for the right word.
“Dynamic,” Miss Jamison laughed. “That is the word everyone uses to describe her and I believe it is rather an accurate one.”
He laughed with her.
“Yes. Dynamic. That is certainly true. And as a result of that, she is not always subject to society so much as she sets it. Lady Ingles is one of the leaders of those women who make the rules. And at the end of the day, my helping to arrange their marriage helps their cause, in that a bitter man who fell victim to adultery would never do such a thing,” he explained.
“So, as it happened, when I spoke with Lady Ingles, she responded with tears of gratitude. She begged me to help her wed Mr. Smith and I could not deny her for even a moment,” he said.
“And you did. You arranged it all?” she asked.
“Indeed. It was not easy. First I had to speak with her mother and father. Requesting an audience with them was not an easy task as they are…well, somewhat difficult people. They have a very determined view of what society ought to look like and having their daughter in such a prominent position might be a benefit to her, but they are quite frightened by it,” he explained.
“Nevertheless, I explained to them the situation. I shared how their daughter and I did not love one another, but each of us loved someone else and wished to marry someone else. It could not have been easy for them, but they listened, although I saw a fair amount of fury in her father’s face,” he confessed.
“But he soon settled. I promised them a great sum of money and I also guaranteed that Lady Ingles would have a good future ahead of her if she were able to marry the man that she loved. When I revealed who it was, I saw the shock in their faces. But I managed to persuade them. And finally, they agreed,” he said.