Fingers, Brother. Member of the ELUCIDATED BRETHREN OF THE EBON NIGHT. He used to work as an odd-job man at Unseen University, but was better known to the City WATCH as Bengy ‘Lightfoot’ Boggis, of the famous thieving family. [GG]
Firefighters’ Guild. Not in existence long enough to develop a motto or a coat of arms. Outlawed by the PATRICIAN after many complaints. If you bought a contract from the Guild, your house would be protected against fire. Unfortunately, the general Ankh-Morpork ethos quickly came to the fore and firefighters would go to prospective clients’ houses in groups, making loud comments like ‘Very inflammable looking place, this,’ and ‘Probably go up like a firework with just one carelessly dropped match, know what I mean?’ Since the disbanding of the Ankh-Morpork Guild of Firefighters the incidence of fires has gone down considerably. [GG]
First, Legitimate. Resident gravedigger at the Cemetery of Small Gods in Ankh-Morpork. Known as ‘Leggie’, he is a black-clad, skinny figure. He owes his rather unusual first name to a mother’s natural pride. [NW]
Fiz. Cartoonist at the Ankh-Morpork Times. [MR]
Flannelfoot, Zlorf. Past President of the ASSASSINS’ GUILD, and of rather earthier origins than many of its later members. Broad, honest face, a welter of scar tissue, the result of many a close encounter. Said by some that he chose a profession in which dark hoods, cloaks and nocturnal prowlings predominated because, it was said, there was a day-fearing trollish streak in his parentage. People who repeated this in earshot of Zlorf tended to carry their ears home in their hats. [COM]
Flead, Professor, the Late. A member of the Department of Post Mortem Communications at Unseen University. He has been dead for 300 years, but willed his soul to the University. He appears as a robed, pointy-hatted, bearded, elderly wizard, with a silvery monochrome effect and some slight transparency. [MM]
Fliemoe. A student at the ASSASSINS’ GUILD, and a bit of a bully. [P]
Flitworth, Renata. Skinny, short-sighted, aged seventy-five, with a face the colour and texture of a walnut. Miss Flitworth never had the chance even to become a widow because of the death of her intended in an avalanche just before their wedding, but she overcame a tendency to mope about this and got on with life in a determined, no-nonsense sort of way. She owned a farm in the plains below the RAMTOPS, not far from SHEEPRIDGE.
Her main claim to fame was as the employer of Bill DOOR (DEATH), who was sufficiently impressed by her to allow her soul to remain in the world just long enough to attend the long-looked-forward-to harvest dance. [RM]
Flora of the Disc. The Discworld has a rich and unusual variety of plants. These include:
Achorion Purple [P]
Aphacia wood [SG]
Bindweed, Purple [TOT]
Bloodwater Lily [ER]
Choke apples [COM]
Climbing Elderberry [NOCB]
Climbing Henry & Twirling Betty [ISWM]
Creeping Foxglove [NOCB]
Creeping Shrillflower [NOCB]
Devil’s Bit Scabious [WA]
Dropley’s Etiolated Bladderwrack [J]
Dum-dum [RM]
Earwort [ER]
False Gentian [HFOS]
Fellwort, Woolly [WS]
Field Sowthistle [TOT]
Floribunda Mrs Shover (a rose) [RM]
Forget-me-Lots (pretty red and white flower) [ISWM]
Gherkins, Water [ER]
Goat’s Beard, Yellow [TOT]
Ice Plant [TOT]
Jack-Jump-Into-Bed [ISWM]
Kzak fruit [M]
Love-in-a-Pickle [ISWM]
Love-Lies-Panting [NOCB]
Maiden’s Puzzle [NOCB]
Maiden’s Wish [ER]
Mandrake, Five-Leaved False [WS]
Maniac [RM]
Mouse Cress [NOCB]
Mustick [P]
Nervousa gloriosa [RM]
Nettle-Leaved Forthright [NOCB]
Nose Dropwort [HFOS]
Old Maids A-Plenty [NOCB]
Old Man’s Frogbit [WS]
Old Man’s Trousers [ER]
Peahane, Greater [ER]
PINES, COUNTING
Purple Bindweed (Love-in-a-Spin) [SM]
Pyramid Strangler Vine [TLC]
Ragged-Leaved Trefoil [NOCB]
Sago-Sago Tree [H]
Sandwort, Red [TOT]
SAPIENT PEARWOOD
Sapu tree (carnivorous tree of Sumtri) [TLC]
Scarlet Bellweed [NOCB]
Seven-leafed Clover [ISWM]
Sledgehammer Plant (Bhangbhangduc) [TLC]
Snake’s Head [WA]
Spikkle [RM]
Syphacia bush [P]
Three Times Charlie [ISWM]
Toad Spurge [NOCB]
Uloruaha bush [COM]
WAHOONIE
Wamwam Tree [TOT]
Wasp Agaric [P]
Water Dropwort [NOCB]
Wormseed, Treacle [WS]
Flume, Lady Odile A pupil in the fifth form of the Quirm College for the Daughters of Gentlefolk. Her great-great-grandmother was once seduced by the god Blind Io in the form of a vase of daisies. So she claims, anyway. [SM]
Flutter, Ted. A snotty bugger who used to work for young Lord Rust over at Hangnail. He’s just a bloke. If someone needs help for something or other, he’s the kind of bloke who’d be the lookout or be told to take away the bones. When not up to mischief, he hangs wallpaper and runs a turkey farm up on the road towards Overhang. It’s a stinky place and he doesn’t take care of his birds. In Feeney UPSHOT’S opinion, he’s not entirely all there. [SN]
Follett, Dr. Master of Assassins and ex-Officio Headmaster of the Assassins’ Guild School. Known, to the boys, as ‘Old Folly’. There were rumours about whether or not his white hair was a wig, but nothing has ever been firmly established. He went missing very shortly after assisting Lord Snapcase to become Patrician of the city. All that can be usefully said is that Lord Snapcase was not a naturally grateful man. [NW]
Folsom, Jimmy. See, Doughnut Jimmy.
Fondel. Composer. Wrote ‘The Wedding March’. [MAA]
Food and drink. The Discworld is famed for its cuisine. A visitor would be able to eat for a year without needing to repeat a meal, and in most cases without wanting to.
Almonte (liqueur) [T!]
Amanita Liquor [M]
Antipasta. Created some hours after the meal, whereupon it exists backwards in time and, if properly prepared, should arrive on the tastebuds at exactly the same moment, thus creating a true taste explosion. It costs five thousand dollars a forkful, or a little more if you include the cost of cleaning the tomato sauce off the walls afterwards. [RM]
Apple Glazier (invented by Imposo for Dame Margyreen Glazier) [TLC]
Banged Grains. Made of corn heated in cooking oil with salt and butter added. Tastes of salt, butter and cardboard. [MP]
Barnacle canapés [COM]
Bearhugger’s Whiskey Cream [T!}
Bentinck’s Very Old Peculiar Brandy [RM]
Black Death Meringue [TFE]
Blowfish, Deep Sea. Safe to eat if every bit of stomach, liver and digestive tract is removed. Better still, to be on the safe side it is wise to remove every part of the fish. [P]
Boiled Eels [NW]
Brandy Pillows [MR]
Cakes, Dwarfish (very solid and inedible – see DWARF BREAD)
Captain Horace Calumney’s Patent Field Biscuits [MR]
Carrot and Oyster Pie. Nanny Ogg’s recipe. Carrots so you can see in the dark, oysters so you’ve got something to look at. [LL]
Cheese (Lancre has the holes, Quirm is the one with the blue veins.) [SM]
Clammer’s Beefymite Spread [FOC]
Clooty Dumplings [MAA]
Cocktails – Angel’s Tears, Just Sex, Pussy Galore, No Brainer, Screaming Orgasm, Pink, Big & Wobbly & (a troll one) Electrick Floorbanger [MR, T!]
Dark Enchantments (chocolates) [RM]
Distressed Pudding [MAA]
Duck & Dirty Rice [TOT]
&nb
sp; Englebert’s Enhancer [H]
Farmhouse Nutty (cheese with the human touch since that . . . accident . . . at the vat) [M!!!!!]
Fatsup (soup with sausages) [TFE]
Fikkun Haddock [MAA]
Fluff (a mix of strong beer & scumble) [T!]
Ghlen Livid. Fermented vul nut drink distilled in the Agatean Empire. Also made in the Rehigreed Province using re-annual plants. It is believed that some is being imported now into Ankh-Morpork. [COM]
Jammy Devils [MAA]
Jellyfish, Crystallised [COM]
Jimkin BEARHUGGER’S whiskey – quite strong, and often matured for hours at a time.
Klatchian Coffee. Very strong: goes through an untrained stomach like a hot ballbearing through runny butter. This strange, thick brew is drunk in thimble-sized cups. It doesn’t just sober you up; it takes you through sobriety and out the other side, so that you glimpse the real universe beyond the clouds of warm self-delusion that sapient life usually generates around itself to stop it turning into a nutcake. Coffee enthusiasts take the precaution of getting thoroughly drunk before touching the stuff. Varieties include Curly Mountain Straight and Red Desert Special. [S, MP, MAA]
Klatchian Delight (doubles as a sweetmeat and flypaper) [SG]
Klatchian Hots (type of pizza) [GG]
Klatchian Rare Roasted (‘When a Pickaxe is Not Enough!’) [MR]
Knuckle Sandwich [MAA]
Lancre Extra Strong (cheese) [M!!!!!]
Leftover Sandwiches Soup (invented by Nanny Ogg) [W]
Lob Scouse [NW]
Lord Green (tea) [TAMAHER]
Luglarr (strong trolldrink) (‘Big Hammer’) [MR]
MacAbre single malt [HFOS]
Merckle & Stingbat’s Very Famous Brown Sauce [GG]
Mustard – Mrs Edith Leakall’s Premium Reserve [GP]
Noggi (buckwheat dumplings stuffed with stuff) [TFE]
Nourishing Boiled Socks Surprise [W]
Old Overcoat (another fine product from Jimkin Bearhugger’s vats) [M]
Orakh. Made from cactus sap and scorpion venom. One of the most virulent alcoholic beverages in the universe. Not drunk for its intoxicating effects, but to mitigate the effects of Klatchian coffee (see above).
Orange Ormulu (invented by Charley’s dad for Dame Janeen Ormulu) [TLC]
Peach Corniche. One of those sticky drinks no barman ever expects to take off the shelf. [M]
Peach Nellie (invented by Rincewind for Dame Nellie Butt) [TLC]
Pressed Seaweed biscuits [COM]
Sclot (bread made from parsnips) [TFE]
Scubbo (various forms of military stew) [MR]
SCUMBLE
Sea Grape wine [COM]
Sea Urchin, Candied [COM]
Shark’s Fin soup [LF]
Sheergold’s (Mrs) Lubricated Throat Lozenges [W]
Sklang [TOT]
Slumgullet [NW]
Slumpie [MAA]
Smitten Steak [TFE]
Soft Nellies (sheep cheese) [HFOS]
Soggy Mountain Dew, C.M.O.T. Dibbler’s Genuine Authentic. Despite its name, it is not strong and may not even be alcoholic, its effects being caused by whatever Mr Dibbler thinks might give it some kind of kick — gunpowder, corroded copper, and so on. [MAA]
Spring Cordial [M]
Squid, Crystallised [COM]
Squishi (possibly like sushi, only older) [LF, M, P]
Stardrip (plum brandy, brewed in the Ramtops) [M]
Starfish, Baby, with Purée of Sea Cucumbers [COM]
Starfish, Candied [COM]
Strawberry Sackville (invented by Nunco for Dame Wendy Sackville) [TLC]
Three Wizards’ Chardonnay [H]
Tracklement’s Yums (dog biscuits) [MM]
Traveller’s Digestives [LF]
Treacle Billy [NW]
Turbot’s Really Odd (real ale) [SM]
Vole & Pork Sausages [TAMAHER]
Wahlulu (liqueur) [T!]
Walago (a kind of pastry made from curtains) [TFE]
Wet Nellies [NW]
Winkle’s Old Peculiar (beer) (also Mage’s Special)[FOC, TSOD, UA]
WOW-WOW SAUCE
Fool, the. (see VERENCE II)
Fools’ Guild. Guild of Fools and Joculators and College of Clowns. Motto: DICO, DICO, DICO. Coat of arms: a shield, bisected dancette. The upper half, sable with a roundel, gules. Each lower point decorated with a clochette d’or. The lower half is bisected vertically, the right half being azure, the left half, argent.
The Guildhouse is located on the corner of God Street and Widdershins Broadway. One of the more recent Ankh-Morpork Guilds, although like the ASSASSINS’ GUILD and Unseen University it is a major exporter of its graduates and has ancient origins among the circus fraternity.
A BRIEF TOUR OF THE GUILD BUILDING
Little is known about the origins of the building which was to become the Guild House. It features in some early records of Unseen University as ‘the Plague House’, and the last known occupants before the mysterious fire and highly localised earthquake in 1547 were apparently The Brotherhood of Infernal Zoth the Undying Renderer, a contemplative order.
The ruins were bought by the Guild shortly afterwards and there have been many changes, although many areas of the property still have a certain monastic charm, particularly the Chamber of Spikes (although the mechanism no longer works.)
Much of the current frontage, including the famous Red Nose, was designed by the great architect Bergholt Stutley JOHNSON. His equally famous water cannon in the shape of a giant daisy is no longer in use following the unfortunate drowning incident and is now in the Guild Museum, as is the very humorous Custard Pie machine that originally greeted visitors. Its purpose was put them in the right mirthful frame of mind, but regrettably Mr Johnson underestimated the effects of even quite runny custard when accelerated instantly to 300mph.
The building is built around a circle, or ring, which is permanently in use for training purposes and is roofed with canvas in the winter. There is a Floral Buttonhole target range and, of course, the traditional pie butts (bulk custard and whitewash tanks have been installed on the roof for easy distribution throughout the building.)
Visitors, once they have cleaned themselves off, should on no account miss the Office of Fun, where the Guild council meets. There has been much hurtful talk suggesting that the Guild are behind the times, but these days as many as three new jokes a year are considered by the council, and a good candidate joke or routine gets through the various stages and committees in as short a time as twenty years.
Some of the earliest jokes are on display here, including the meagre remains of the actual custard pie which, as any Fool knows, was inadvertently hurled by Gilbert the Stupid when he slipped on a mutton bone in the long house of Picric, Eorle of Nothingfjord, and delivered the custard full in Picric’s face. The rest is history. Students of Foolish history still visit his graves which, owing to Picric’s curious lack of a sense of humour, are dotted around Nothingfjord, some of them in quite inaccessible places.
Other exhibits include the original Dog with No Nose (which smells of formaldehyde, and is also shaggy), part of the cranium of what is believed to be one of the original trio of Three Men Who Went Into A Pub, and a genuine Alligator Sandwich.
Close by is the very heart of the Guild:
THE HALL OF FACES
Even outsiders have heard of the hall which contains, ranging in long lines, blown eggs on which have been carefully recorded the facial make-up of every Guild member (plus full documentation about dress, special routines and so on). Few, though, realise the full significance of this. A clown is the face; the face is the clown.
Using the face of another clown except under very special circumstances is an offence punishable by eventual death. For a clown’s face is also his fortune. A dying clown may will it to a son, or it may be auctioned by the Guild, and the full make-up, dress and routines of a famous clown may change hands for many thousands of dollars. It is a k
ind of immortality. The Great Bazonko has been clowning now for over four hundred years. Doctor Whiteface has been head of the Guild for almost three hundred. He has worked in the same office, worn the same costume and certainly always worn the same make-up. He speaks in the same clipped tones. Men may come and go, but there is always a Doctor Whiteface.
From here it is but a short walk to:
THE BOUNCY NORMO LIBRARY
Very little is known about Bouncy Normo. He seldom spoke. Shortly after his arrival in Ankh-Morpork he was given sanctuary in the Guild because no other premises in the city would allow him across the threshold.
There are people with perfect pitch, people with absolute rhythm, and even people with green fingers. Bouncy Normo had two strange talents. He had no sense of humour at all, and he was a natural funny man. A really funny man.
Official public performances were banned when three people died laughing, even though Normo was standing with his back to the stage and did not utter a word. People would go purple and roll on the floor even while watching him shave.
Everything Bouncy Normo did was dangerously hilarious. Eventually Doctor Whiteface insisted that he wear a bag over his head but this, strangely enough, only made things worse; people would collapse with laughter at the thought of Normo being so funny under there.
Eventually, after leaving a short note which contained his unwitting catchphrase ‘What is everyone laughing about?’, Bouncy Normo leapt to his death from the top of the House of Mirth. He landed on the marquee over the custard pie butts, rebounded onto the trampoline used for Amusing Trouser practice, thence onto a seesaw being erected by The Three Incompetent Acrobats, was flipped through a window on the second floor, landed on a trolley laden with pastries which rolled down the stairs and out through the main doors, and was trampled to death by an escaped elephant. Seven people who witnessed this had to be treated for various self-inflicted traumas caused by laughing too much.
Turtle Recall: The Discworld Companion ... So Far Page 19