In the closing years of his life Windle moved, and was moved, around in an iron-wheeled wheelchair; a wide and long construction, steered by means of a little front wheel and a long, cast-iron handle. Bits of baroque ironwork adorned its frame; there were various dread levers of mysterious function and a huge oilskin hood. The front lever of this very heavy machine was adorned with a selection of trumpets, hooters and whistles.
At the time of his death, Windle was the oldest wizard in the world – born in the year of the Significant Triangle, in the Century of the Three Lice, he died in the year of the Notional Serpent in the Century of the Fruitbat. He was an expert on ancient magical writings, although his expertise was somewhat suspect in his later years.
Windle was the first person to reach the end of his life after DEATH was (briefly) pensioned off, and he spent a short but on the whole enjoyable time as a zombie which he seemed to feel made up for the numbing boredom of the previous century or so. [MP, RM]
Pork Futures. Probably no other world in the multiverse has warehouses for things which only exist in potentia, but the pork futures warehouse in Ankh-Morpork is a product of the Olaf QUIMBY II rules about baseless metaphors (thoroughly enforced by the current PATRICIAN), the literal-mindedness of citizens who assume that everything must exist somewhere, and the general thinness of the fabric of reality around Ankh. The net result is that trading in pork futures – in pork that doesn’t exist yet – led to the building of the warehouse to store it until it does. The extremely low temperatures are caused by the imbalance in the temporal energy flow. [MAA]
Postalute, Granny. A witch who went out borrowing one day and never came back. Nanny Ogg thinks she lived out the rest of her life as a bluetit. [LL]
Post Office, Ankh-Morpork. The Ankh-Morpork Central Post Office has a gaunt frontage. It is a building designed for a purpose. It is, therefore, more or less, a big box to employ people in, with two wings at the rear which enclose the big stable yard. Some cheap pillars had been sliced in half and stuck on the outside, some niches had been carved for some miscellaneous stone nymphs, some stone urns had been ranged along the parapet and thus Architecture had been created.
In appreciation of the thought that had gone into this, the good citizens, or more probably their kids, had covered the walls to a height of six feet with graffiti in many exciting colours.
In a band all along the top of the frontage, staining the stone in greens and browns, some words had been set in letters of bronze, which, for many years, read:
NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW NOR GLO M OF NI T CAN STAY THESE MES ENGERS ABO T THEIR DUTY
The missing letters have now been recovered and replaced by Moist von Lipwig.
On a board much further down the building, in peeling paint, were the less heroic words:
DONT ARSK US ABOUT: rocks troll’s with sticks All sorts of dragons Mrs Cake Huje green things with teeth Any kinds of black dogs with orange eyebrows Rains of spaniel’s. fog. Mrs Cake
THE HISTORY OF THE POST OFFICE
In days of yore (about 100 years before olden days, but about 50 years later than ancient times), the Kings of Ankh used messengers to take orders and other messages to all parts of the Sto Plains and beyond.
The fastest messengers could achieve 200 miles in one day with frequent changes of horse at commercial staging, or relay, posts along the route. These relay points were known as Royal Messenger Posts and this soon gave its name to the service itself.
Only the King and certain approved officials and royal relatives were permitted to send letters via the Royal Messenger Service. Unauthorised mail could lead to the sender being nailed to one of the Royal Posts as a gentle reminder to other potential unofficial users of the service.
In those days, the ordinary people of Ankh-Morpork had to rely on the good offices of traders and merchants to carry their mail for them as they journeyed around the Disc. This service was fairly reliable but letters could take months to arrive, depending on the merchant’s trade route.
THE NEXT ‘STAGE’
Unseen University and the Guilds soon set up their own postal services to handle their own mail within the city and beyond. Initially, though, these services were restricted either to faculty members of UU, or to students and officers of the Guilds.
In AM1530, King Cirone II established a formal network of messengers and horses along important routes and he appointed the first ‘Master of the Posts’ to administer the system and to ensure that it worked to maximum efficiency. The first Master of the Posts was Sir Rolande de Colline, who had been a warrior knight alongside the ASSASSINS’ GUILD founder, Sir Gyles de Murfoote. This high-profile link helped to ensure that the Royal Mail Posts were not subject to attacks from licensed thieves.
By AM1635, King Lorenzo I (father of Lorenzo the Kind) had decided that the general public could also use the King’s Letter Office of Ankh-Morpork and the Sto Plains. This building, sited as it still is on Broad Way, was already commonly known as the Post Office and its chief administrator was now called the ‘Post Master’. King Lorenzo dictated at the same time that all houses and properties in Ankh-Morpork should display a number, to facilitate the delivery of the post. There was some initial confusion caused when people thought they could choose their own number and it transpired that – after an evening’s drinking in a local ale house – every house in Brewer Street was wittily numbered 346. This was soon sorted out after the King helpfully arranged for the owner of every second house in that street to be placed in the stocks in Hide Park under a sign reading ‘DON’T MESS WITH THE POST OFFICE’.
As the system established itself, all mail on the Sto Plains, using the Royal Mail, had to travel via Ankh-Morpork. This meant that, say, a letter going from Sto Helit to Sto Lat (a distance of only about five miles), would have to journey twenty miles into Ankh-Morpork, and a similar distance back again to Sto Lat. The Post Master at the time, Mr Jedediah Palmer, set up a system of new postal routes – called Cross Posts – which meant mail did not have to travel via Ankh-Morpork. He also introduced the first mail coach service.
MAIL COACHES
Highway robbery was (and still is) a major problem on the Sto Plains and the old system of Post Boys left the mail, and its carriers, very vulnerable to attack. The passenger stage coaches fared little better and travellers rarely arrived at their destinations with all their possessions, or even their clothes. So Palmer set up a system of mail coaches, with a driver and an armed guard on each coach. In the first week of operation, four highwaymen were shot on sight by guards on the mail coaches. After that, the mail was left alone and, as a result, the mail coaches became much more popular with passengers, too.
POST MARKS
It was during the reign of Lorenzo the Kind that the Postmaster General, Sir Henri d’Évêque, came up with the postmark to enable him to time the progress of the mail through the city and beyond – he could then detect inefficient postal stages and slow-moving postal carriers. Lorenzo the Kind embraced this management tool and, during the following ten months, the service improved tremendously, although some fifty-eight Post Boys and seventeen Sub Post Masters were hung, drawn and quartered for the amusement of citizens and, as Sir Henri said, ‘Pour encourager les autres’. Word of mouth had transformed this to ‘pour encourager les autruches’ (ostriches) by the time it had reached Quirm, where the local postal staff immediately started to train these flightless birds to deliver the post in that city. This worked surprisingly well, although the new Post Birds did have a tendency to swallow any amusingly-shaped packages. The Quirm Sub Post Master met with resistance when he tried to encourage his fellow Sub Post Masters to use exotic birds as delivery tools. He resented their reactionary attitude and accused them of burying their heads in the sand.
HOURS OF BUSINESS
Weekdays
Offices in Ankh-Morpork
At the larger Post Offices the hours of business are, as a rule, from 8.30am to 6pm, or 6.30pm, except on public holidays. Exceptionally, some sub
offices close earlier on Saturdays. All classes of postal and clacks business are transacted at the Broad Way headquarter building between the hours of 8am until 8pm.
Offices outside Ankh-Morpork
Larger post offices will be open from 9am until 6pm. Smaller local offices may operate shorter hours – 9am until 5.30pm. All those excepting public holidays. Local small offices may also close early on one day of the week, generally on the local half-holiday.
HOGSWATCH, PATRICIAN’S DAY AND OTHER PUBLIC HOLIDAYS
Offices in Ankh-Morpork
The Broad Way office will be open from 9.30am until 12.30pm for all normal services, except for the sales of stamps of a face value of 2 dollars or more and for the acceptance of mail addressed to the Shades, to Borogravia, to Tezuman or to 36 Chitterling Street.
On Hogswatch Day, there is one house-to-house delivery of letters and other postal packets within the city walls of Ankh-Morpork (excepting the Shades and 36 Chitterling Street).
Offices outside Ankh-Morpork
Local offices may open by local arrangement. There will be no deliveries on Hogswatch Day except in those areas where there is only usually one delivery per day.
STAMPS
Miscellaneous Regulations
Repurchase of Unused or Spoiled Stamps
We may, at our discretion, purchase back unused stamps. The restrictions are that the stamps should total no less than one dollar’s worth, as far as possible in blocks or pairs and made up into one dollar packets, each packet containing stamps of one denomination. If stamps are still attached to envelopes, the entire envelope must be submitted. Commission is charged at a rate of 5 per cent of the face value of the stamps purchased.
IMITATION OF POSTAGE STAMPS
The new Post Office (Control of Postal Services) (Ankh-Morpork) Act forbids the manufacture and use of fictitious stamps. The Act also forbids the imitation of post marks. Penalties are imposed for contravention of the Act, with death being the easiest option for convicted felons.
IMPERFECT OR DEFACED STAMPS
Payment of postage cannot be made by means of imperfect, incomplete or defaced stamps.
OBSOLETE STAMPS
The old-style, rubber impression, postage stamps are no longer valid.
EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS OF THE POST MASTER GENERAL
Subject to certain exceptions, the Post Master General has the exclusive privilege of carrying letters from place to place, and of performing all incidental services such as those of collecting and delivering letters. The principle exceptions are:
Letters sent by a private friend, on his journey, to be delivered to the person to whom they are directed;
Letters sent by the personal servant of the sender;
Letters concerning goods sent by a carrier, such letters being carried gratuitously and delivered with the goods to which they relate;
Packets containing news intelligence, that is, matter or pictures for publication in a newspaper.
Carriers are specifically prohibited from carrying letters.
LETTERS: WEIGHT AND SIZE
There is no limit of weight. The limits of size are:
Maximum:
Two feet in length, 18 inches in width and 18 inches in depth; or if made up in a roll, 3 feet 3 inches for the length and twice the diameter combined, and 2 feet 6 inches for the greatest dimension.
Minimum:
Envelopes less than four inches in length by two and three quarter inches in width must not be used.
INADMISSIBLE ARTICLES
Eggs, fish, poultry, game, rabbits, meat, fruit and vegetables are not transmissible by letter post and certain articles may be sent only if specially packed (see ‘Packing and Make-up’ below).
Coupons, forms, cards and so on, bearing written answers to acrostics and guessing competitions. Written communications indicating, whether by means of words, marks letters or numbers, moves in a game of chess, are inadmissible.
Stationery, when sent not filled up to a person who is subsequently to use them, are inadmissible. However, not more than three blank forms of a kind, or three of each kind of dissimilar forms may be included in a packet with a covering document which is itself admissible.
Yearly diaries are admitted, but diaries for shorter periods are inadmissible.
Blotting paper and similar substances are not regarded as ordinarily used for writing or printing and are inadmissible, but a single unfolded flat sheet of blotting paper and not sent as a sample, or one having affixed to it such an advertisement printed on ordinary paper or cardboard, is admitted in suitable open cover.
PROHIBITED ARTICLES
Prohibited articles will be refused or detained. These may include:
Certain Circulars
Fortune-telling advertisements, Lottery tickets or unsolicited circulars from money lenders.
DANGEROUS ARTICLES
Inflammable, noxious, corrosive, deleterious or otherwise harmful articles. Sharp instruments not properly packed. Matches of all kinds. Hogswatch crackers are, however, permitted.
Any packet which is likely to injure either other postal packets in the course of conveyance, or an officer of the Post Office, or any other person who may deal with that packet.
OTHER PROHIBITED ARTICLES
These would include:
Contraband;
Counterfeit money or postage stamps;
Filth;
Indecent, obscene or grossly offensive communications, marks, designs, prints, iconographs or other articles;
Living creatures, with the exception of bees, leeches and silkworms.
EMBARRASSING PACKETS
Packets embarrassing to the Post Office staff are also prohibited. Embarrassment may be caused by the method of addressing and the affixing of the stamp; the colour, type, shape and dimensions of the envelope. Examples would be:
Addresses
A packet having its address parallel to the breadth instead of to the length of the envelope.
Addresses mis-spelled so as to give rise to a humorous double entendre.
Stamps
A packet bearing on its address side an adhesive label or printed design either resembling a postage stamp in shape or size.
Shape
Any packet wrapped in such a way as it resembles certain private portions of the male human anatomy.
CARRIAGE OF PRIVATE PARCELS BY OFFICERS OF THE POST OFFICE
With the following exceptions, no post man, post golem or other officer of the post office may act as a carrier of packages of any kind or weight which have not passed through the post, whether or not he receives payment for the carriage. However:
Contractors for the carriage of mails by passenger conveyance are not subject to any restrictions as to the parcels they convey;
Mail contract drivers and postmen in rural districts are allowed to carry light packets of medicine sent from a doctor or chemist to a patient.
PACKING AND MAKE-UP
Letters and postal packets of every kind must be so made up as not only to preserve the contents from loss or damage in the post, but also not to injure any other packets, or any officer of the Post Office.
PACKING REGULATIONS FOR CERTAIN ARTICLES
Any fragile article must be packed in a container of sufficient strength and surrounded in that container with sufficient soft material or wadding to protect the article from the effects of concussion, pressure and knocks to which postal packets are ordinarily exposed. The packet must bear the words ‘Fragile With Care’ written conspicuously on the face of the cover above the address, so that postal officers will know which packages will need to be tested to ensure that they can withstand dropping from great heights, stamping on, kicking, hitting with lump hammers and any other normal treatment that would be given to such a package.
Butter, Cream and other Semi-Liquids
These and greasy or strong smelling substances must be so packed that they will not soil or taint other packets. For example, a tightly lidded tin, secured wit
h sealed string crossing the lid in two directions, then wrapped securely in greaseproof paper and placed in a well-constructed wooden box.
Eggs
These are a challenge to the postal worker, and their safe transit cannot be guaranteed. If you want to risk it, you might try using a wooden box with suitable partitions and a well-fitting lid, wrapping each egg separately in newspaper or other soft material, placing the eggs on end, each in a separate partition, and filling up the vacant spaces in the box with newspaper or cotton waste. The parcel should be marked ‘Eggs’ so that we don’t waste time trying to damage a parcel containing, say, rock samples.
Fish and other meat including body parts travelling by mail between Igors
These should be sewn into rush baskets, straw matting, sacking, or similar material with sufficient internal waterproof wrapping or absorbent packing to prevent the contents from damaging or tainting the outer covering and thus making the parcels objectionable to handle for human officers of the Post Office. The boxes must clearly be marked ‘Meat Products’, or ‘Igor2Igor – Pathological Specimen’.
Soil of the homeland being shipped to certain citizens of Überwald
To be accepted in the post, this must be enclosed in a secure wooden box, screwed down at no fewer than twelve inch intervals and transported in such a way as it will only be in transit during the normal hours of daylight. Under no circumstances will such crates be accepted for transit by ship. Such crates must clearly be marked ‘Not to be Handled in Hours of Darkness’.
Flowers
Must be enclosed in boxes of wood or metal, marked, on the outside, ‘Flowers’.
Liquids
These may be sent in tins or bottles – securely sealed. Containers of a pint or more must also be contained within a wooden box or wicker case, making good use of soft packaging to prevent damage in transit.
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