by Shona Husk
‘Right. But you’ll be here.’
‘For a couple of months. I was hoping that maybe …’ Oh God, he sounded desperate. He hated that. He didn’t want to be needy. He didn’t need anyone. This time he heard the lie beneath the words. He did need someone. He hated being alone. But this time he didn’t want anyone, he only wanted Pierce. He’d already thrown his heart off the edge and was now waiting for the crash as it hit the bottom. ‘We could see where this goes.’
‘You might be sick of me by next week.’ A door shut and the crackle was gone from the line.
If he was leaving with the company, it would’ve been over by the weekend. But he wasn’t leaving.
‘More likely you’ll get tired of me. I’ve been told I’m difficult to live with.’ Ripley closed his mouth. He hadn’t meant to say that.
‘I don’t know where you’ll be living, but I live on board so that won’t be a problem.’
Ripley was pretty sure he’d been given a very small nudge back. He actually hadn’t thought about that yet.
‘Probably with my parents.’ Which meant seeing his brother on a daily basis. He didn’t want to do it. Couldn’t do it. It would be too much like being a teenager again. How could he get together with Pierce?
He couldn’t afford to get another place. He still had his place in San Francisco. He was going to have to do something about that too. It was only a room in a share house with other dancers, but he still had stuff over there and he was still paying for the room.
His life was in too many different pieces and they were all in motion. He needed something stable and for the world to stop moving so he could find his footing.
‘I know I should’ve replied sooner. I’m sorry.’ He was. He didn’t mean to hurt Pierce and he didn’t want to lose him. That much was clear.
‘If you hadn’t called today I was going to assume it was over.’ Resignation made Pierce’s voice flat.
‘I wouldn’t leave without goodbye. I’m not that kind of person.’
There was the longest pause. Ripley’s heartbeat echoed in his ears. He was about to get dropped. All the reasons why they should try bubbled up. He wasn’t ready for this to be over. ‘I want to see you. You are still coming up? Since I’m no longer performing, we could get dinner?’
Pierce sighed. ‘Tonight?’
‘Have you made other plans?’ That would serve him right, wouldn’t it? ‘If you’d rather, we could stay in?’
Was he grovelling? He might be, just a little. He hadn’t realised how easy it was to lose something. He’d thought Pierce knew what he meant to him.
‘I can come up tonight. Dinner would be nice.’
Ripley let himself breathe again. ‘I look forward to it. I missed you.’
‘I missed you too.’ But there was an edge there that Ripley hadn’t heard before.
He had wounded Pierce by ignoring him. There was a reason he didn’t do relationships; he forgot he had to give, not just take.
Chapter 14
While he’d tried hard not to let the hurt show at work today, Blue had made a comment about trouble in paradise. Pierce had ignored him. There was no trouble and no paradise. He and Ripley had made no promises, but that hadn’t stopped Pierce from spending far too much time thinking about what could be, and trying to work out how having a boyfriend would fit into his life.
So far he’d drawn a blank. It shouldn’t be this hard. Ripley had no problem so he knew it was him.
He should have let this end instead of agreeing to meet him again. However he wasn’t that smart, apparently. He liked Ripley too much to let him go. He’d been sucked in by the sex and the smiles and the way Ripley made him feel as though he was someone worth knowing.
Pierce parked his car the way he had so many times over the last two weeks. The drive had given him plenty of time to dwell and come up with all kinds of scenarios. It had also given desire time to build. His body knew what to expect and he wanted it.
He glanced at the bag on the passenger seat. Did he bring it in this time or leave it?
The sensible part of him screamed to leave it, end this and go back to how things were. His life had been safe before Ripley. The rest of him wanted to grab on to this chance and not let go. He stared at the bag, the song on the radio changed twice before he got out of the car, leaving the bag on the seat and walking to the hotel.
The room key was still in his wallet, but he knocked before using it.
Something had changed since Sunday … that seemed like so long ago.
‘Yeah, coming.’ Ripley called out. He didn’t sound happy.
Pierce swiped the key and opened the door. Ripley was halfway to the door and halfway dressed in jeans, but no shirt and no smile.
‘I wasn’t sure you’d come.’
Pierce shrugged and closed the door. If Ripley noticed the lack of bag, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t look particularly injured either. ‘Nothing else to do.’
Ripley turned away and picked a shirt off the spare bed. Watching him put it on was the only time Pierce had ever seen him look uncoordinated. It was obvious that the injury was there, even if it wasn’t visible at first glance. Pierce stepped over and helped. Ripley faced him and Pierce did up the buttons.
‘So you’ve stuffed your shoulder.’
‘Rotator cuff tear. It looks decidedly unimpressive but I can’t lift my arm any higher.’ He demonstrated. ‘It makes everything a total pain. You should’ve been here five minutes ago for the putting on of the jeans.’
There may not have been any jeans put on if he had been.
‘You didn’t have to get dressed for me.’
The corner of Ripley’s lips twitched. ‘I can’t sit around in this room.’
That Pierce understood.
‘Besides, I said we’d go out … unless you are having second thoughts about going out with me?’ Ripley glanced at him.
It took Pierce a moment to realise that odd look on Ripley’s face was uncertainty.
He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t had second thoughts.
Ripley nodded at the silence and sat down on the end of the bed. ‘Okay then.’
Pierce moved some clothes and sat opposite him. He put his hand on Ripley’s knee. ‘It’s not okay. You should’ve told me you were hurt instead of leaving me in the dark.’
‘And you’d have dropped everything to be by my side?’
Pierce looked down. ‘I only get to do that for next of kin.’
‘Yeah, and they think I’m your girlfriend.’ Ripley put his hand over Pierce’s. ‘I didn’t know how to say I was hurt. I didn’t want it to be real. I spent Sunday night and Monday morning at the hospital. I wasn’t the best person to be around.’
‘Did you see your friend?’
Ripley nodded.
Right. Pierce went to pull his hand away but Ripley held it.
‘Dan knows what I’m like … too well.’ His lips twisted. ‘He gave me tips on how to grovel. He’d be doing a much better job of this.’ He smiled and looked up. ‘I’m trying here.’
‘I can see that. I just don’t know what to make of it.’ As much as Pierce didn’t want to admit it, he missed being in a relationship. Not that any of the girlfriends he’d had in high school had been serious. A few dates and a few naked fumbles didn’t really equate to this. He certainly hadn’t ever risked his heart on any of them. Being with Ripley terrified him. When Ripley had been leaving there had been a level of safety, now that had been ripped away.
‘Neither do I.’ Ripley blew out a breath. ‘I like you but I know I’m your dirty little secret and that eats away at me like acid. Not much at a time but it adds up. It pisses me off being your girlfriend.’
‘I don’t like it either.’
‘Then do something about it.’
‘I’ve gone out with you. Held your hand while out.’ What more did Ripley want? But Pierce knew and he wasn’t ready to come clean at work. He shouldn’t have to. He shouldn’t have to hide.
‘You hold yourself apart. You put a distance there. As though you don’t want to be seen with me … and now I’m all fucked up and useless.’
This was a different side to the dancer that Pierce had never seen. He was surly and dangerous like a wounded animal.
‘Maybe that’s who I am. That’s it. I can’t be who you want me to be.’ But he didn’t want to be who he was either. Ripley had shown him what it was like to be perfectly at ease.
Ripley glanced up, his dark hair falling forward. ‘I don’t even know who I want you to be. I like that you are calm and that you aren’t demanding. You are like the anti me and I like that. But I also hate it because I know that every time we are together, you’re worried. I hate being the person you are hiding.’
‘It’s not you.’
‘I know. And so I want to walk away because I know that you aren’t where I want my partner to be, but I can’t. Why can’t I walk away from you? Fuck, I’ve done it so many times, it should be so fucking easy.’ He went to push his hair back, couldn’t lift his hand so had to do it with his left hand. ‘And I hate being left-handed.’
‘Finished?’
Ripley glared at him. ‘No. You might as well know the rest. Then if you throw the key at me and run, you at least have all the facts.’
Pierce swallowed. A shiver spread over his skin as the temperature dropped. They had used condoms every time, except for the couple of times Pierce had gone down, but Ripley hadn’t come.
‘There is a chance I could get Huntington’s.’
That hadn’t been what he’d been expecting. ‘What’s that?’
Ripley frowned. Then he shook his head. ‘I forget not everyone knows. When it’s in the family you live under that cloud. It’s part of life. It’s a genetic disease that chips away at the brain. It starts with mood swings and depression then moves onto coordination, swallowing and speaking. My father and his sister have it. My brother will get it. I think I need to do the test to learn if I will.’
‘You can do that?’
‘It’s not a quick process. There’s counselling and it can take months for the results to come back. I am not good at waiting for results. Since my dancing is shit at the moment, I might as well do it.’
‘What other results have you had to wait for?’
Ripley lifted an eyebrow. ‘Have you never been tested?’
‘It’s routine, part of the job.’ Along with fitness tests and general health checks.
‘And you’ve never worried?’
‘No.’ But then, he’d always used condoms and Ripley was the first guy he’d ever gone down on. He wasn’t liking where this was going. ‘I’m guessing you have.’
Ripley winced. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘I think it does.’
He pointed to his thigh where the paw print tattoo would be beneath his jeans. ‘It was a big night, I was twenty-one, could legally drink in the States and …’ He looked away. ‘I let myself get talked into something with several someones, and let’s just say that in daylight and sober I knew I had fucked up as well as been well fucked.’
Pierce felt his mouth drop open. ‘There was more than one?’
‘Does five count as an orgy?’
‘I have no idea.’ He couldn’t begin to imagine. Well, he could; he was also guessing that if Ripley had been so worried then the sex hadn’t been remotely safe.
‘My partner at the time knew I was vers, so that was kind of how it got happening and … well, he betrayed my trust that night. Anyway, I’m not good at waiting for results.’
Pierce sat there not knowing what to say. ‘But you must have got checks since then.’
‘Yeah, usually when I’m back in Australia so I don’t have to pay through the nose or have it go through insurance. But I’ve never worried about them, not like that. That wrecked me.’
‘And are you worried about the Huntington’s test?’
Ripley nodded. ‘There’s a fifty per cent chance I will get it and there is no treatment. Once it starts that’s it. It may go slow or it may go fast. No one knows.’
‘When does it start?’
‘Middle-age sometime. I think Dad knew, looking back there were obvious signs, but he didn’t tell us kids until I was eighteen. You have to be eighteen to get tested. I think Paul and I both knew what was happening, we knew about Marie even if we didn’t see her very often—she lives in Queensland. But we’d been hoping it wouldn’t be our family too. Dad’s other brother is fine. Maybe I should’ve done it back then instead of letting the doubt linger.’
‘But once you know, you can’t shake it off.’ Ripley would know how he was going to die. That sounded like an awful way to live.
‘That’s why you have to get counselling. It’s fucked my brother up. His marriage is over because he didn’t want his wife to be his nurse. I thought he was being stupid but I kind of get it. When we were on the beach and I saw the old couple I thought Paul wouldn’t get that, but he wanted his ex to have that. He loved her enough to walk away. I’m not that nice. I don’t know if can handle knowing, but I don’t know if I can live not knowing. What if I waste opportunities because I think I have time?’
‘You could be hit by a bus tomorrow.’ And so could he and half his life was a lie.
‘I used to think I had to be the best because it could all be over in a blink … I should’ve stopped a week ago and let my shoulder heal before it got bad.’ He bit his lip. ‘I don’t know how to stop. Even my best friend said I was manic.’
A small laugh slipped out. ‘I wouldn’t say manic, but you make me dizzy. I can’t keep up.’
If Ripley wanted someone who could, then he needed to look elsewhere because he’d never be happy. Would being with Ripley be too exhausting? When would it go from fun to painful?
‘I’m beginning to see I may have a problem.’
‘I wouldn’t call it a problem, unless you are driving yourself into the ground.’
Ripley pointed at his shoulder. ‘If this doesn’t heal, my career will be over.’
‘Oh.’ When put like that, Pierce realised this wasn’t a little mishap.
‘It’s bigger than oh. It’s everything. It’s who I am.’ Ripley sighed and stared at the floor. ‘My life is a mess at the moment. I get it if you don’t want any of it. Hell, I don’t want it.’
Pierce sat there for a moment. Then he moved to sit next to Ripley and put his arm around him. ‘Don’t shut me out. I’d rather know that you are struggling and offer a hand than wonder what the hell is wrong.’
‘I’ll try. It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to try.’ He rested his head on Pierce’s shoulder. ‘I’m almost dressed. I had planned to take you out for dinner as part of my apology. I made a booking for seven.’
‘A proper restaurant?’ He should’ve worn something nicer, but then Ripley was in jeans so it wasn’t anywhere five star.
‘Yeah. I was attempting to be a good boyfriend and prove that I did deserve another chance. I should’ve texted you back.’
‘You had other things on your mind.’ Way bigger things on his mind than if they were going to get together for the night. Pierce wasn’t entirely sure what to do with all this new knowledge. Ripley had more than a few secrets and a past that was wilder than Pierce had suspected.
‘It would’ve taken me a few seconds to type something.’ It looked as though admitting that cost Ripley a great deal. He wasn’t used to apologising to anyone. It was far easier to run.
It would be easier if Pierce ran, but he’d always be looking over his shoulder and wondering what might have been.
‘So will you come out with me?’ Ripley grinned.
There was no way he could say no. His stomach was like a ball of ice. He needed to do this. He wanted to do this. ‘Yes.’
Ripley smiled. ‘I’ll put some shoes on.’
‘Do you need help?’
Pierce got a withering glare in response. ‘It’s my shoulder, not my legs, so I keep getting told.�
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‘You really don’t like being forced to slow down.’
‘About as much as you want to be kissed in public.’ Ripley lifted his good hand. ‘Sorry, I have evidence that happened.’
‘I need to take it slow … something you aren’t good at.’ He didn’t want to be backed into a corner where his only option was coming out.
Ripley tied up his shoelace. ‘Do you think you’ll ever be able to say you have a boyfriend?’ He glanced up, waiting for the answer.
‘I hope so.’
‘That’s good enough.’ He stood up and cupped Pierce’s cheek before kissing him. ‘Are you sure you don’t want to stay the night?’
It was tempting. Ripley kissed him a little harder and Pierce moved closer. All remaining resistance crumbled. ‘My bag is in my car.’
A grin formed against his lips. ‘You are the best.’
***
It had taken until the main arrived before Pierce had started to relax. It was a little painful to see him so uncomfortable. Had dinner been too much? Ripley had been trying to do the right thing. But it didn’t seem like the right thing when Pierce wasn’t really enjoying it. Maybe room service would’ve been better.
He was getting sick of the room now he had more free time. One class and the physio did not take up that much time. He’d started doing other exercise too, even though he was rather limited. It was frustrating, and then he got angry, mostly at himself. And a little at the man opposite him, because they were supposed to be having this nice dinner and it was awkward. As though there was still some thorn between them.
It wasn’t all his fault …
‘You see those two guys over there?’ Ripley gave a slight nod. ‘Business dinner. There’s a table of women over there. No one is thinking “are those two hot guys on a date?” … except for that waiter. He is totally wondering if we are on a date.’
Pierce almost turned around to look at the waiter. ‘I’m here, don’t torture me.’