by Diana Ma
Images are used courtesy of the following: Cover and this page, center image, Mercedes deBellard; center image skyline, photograph by Xuanyu Han (Getty/1057591360); bottom left, JayKay57 (Getty/157473098). This page, clockwise from top left: Portrait of a seated woman, Portrait of a Chinese aristocrat of Canton, both courtesy Musee des Arts Asiatiques-Guimet, © RMN-Grand Palais/Art Resource, New York; Mercedes deBellard; Qianlong; Yongzheng (courtesy of the Metropolitan Museum of Art).
PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may be obtained from the Library of Congress.
ISBN 978-1-4197-4996-4
eISBN 978-1-64700-087-5
Text copyright © 2020 Diana Ma
Illustration by Mercedes DeBellard
Lettering by Jen Wang
Book design by Hana Anouk Nakamura
Published in 2020 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.
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To my parents, Ma Ching Shu and Ma Chao Chang, for sharing your stories with me
CHAPTER ONE
I’m breaking two cardinal rules tonight. One—never date a competitor for an acting role. Two—never go on a first date that involves competitive sports. So, why am I bowling on a first date with a guy I met in the audition waiting room for a toothpaste commercial?
The answer is simple. Two days ago, Ken Wang strolled into the audition waiting room—seriously channeling that scene in Always Be My Maybe when Keanu Reeves walks into the restaurant. Slow-motion coolness, hair swinging, music, and everything.
That’s why all my rules flew out of my head.
I wasn’t the only one staring, but I was the one Ken approached that day—maybe because I was the only other Asian there. But that’s not why he asked me out ten minutes later. That had more to do with the intense sparks firing off between us as we talked. So, in a moment of weak-kneed, breathless infatuation, I agreed to go bowling with him.
Now I’m wearing rented bowling shoes that smell like a decaying corpse and doing neck rolls to warm up. Because I’m incredibly competitive. It’s why I have those two rules about dating and competition in the first place.
Ken flashes me a slow smile that shows off his gleaming white teeth as he prepares to let his ball fly. With a smile like that, he’s going to get the part. It doesn’t even bother me that I’m up for the same role. That’s how crushed out I am.
“Strike!” he yells in triumph over the clash of bowling pins. “Might as well give up now, Gemma.”
My eyes narrow. I may have lost out on a toothpaste commercial to a guy with the world’s most perfect teeth and the kind of smile that makes me shiver down to my toes, but I’m not going to concede defeat in a game of bowling. “You think I’m going to let you win on our first date?” I fake punch him on the shoulder to give myself an excuse to touch him. “It sets a bad precedent.”
Ken smiles at me again, and a spurt of pure pleasure rushes through me. Is it possible to get addicted to a smile? My stomach flutters madly as I walk over to the rack of bowling balls to make my selection. Not that there’s much to choose from. All the balls are scuffed and scratched with the shine beaten out of them, and half of them look like they’re a game away from retirement.
It’s a Sunday night, and only a few other lanes besides ours are occupied. Bowled Over Alley has seen better days for sure. The lighting is dim, and although smoking is banned in LA, decades of smoke have already seeped into the walls and carpet, making everything gray and dingy. I kind of love that this is where Ken brought me for our first date. He’s being himself and not trying to impress me, and I like that.
I heft up a twelve-pound ball that might’ve been neon pink at one point. It’s hard to tell. Regardless of the color, the weight of the ball feels nice and solid in my hands.
“Sure you can handle that?” Ken points to my twelve-pounder.
“Ask me again after I’ve kicked your ass,” I say sweetly. Maybe I should go easy on the smack talk. Paul, my ex-boyfriend from high school, used to complain about how competitive I can get.
“I think it’s your ass that’s going to get kicked.” Ken’s eyebrows lift, making his face wickedly suggestive. “But don’t worry. I’ll go easy on you.”
He’s so freaking sexy that the retort on the tip of my tongue almost flies right out of my head. Almost. But I just can’t let Ken get in a dig like that without a response, no matter how distracted I am by the slow heat simmering in my body. “Contrary to popular belief, size really doesn’t matter, so when—not if—you lose, don’t blame it on my balls being bigger than yours.” Was that too much? Paul had hated it whenever I said anything even slightly risqué. It’s not like you, he used to say. Which just goes to show you that he didn’t know me at all. Big surprise—Paul and I lasted only three months.
“Ouch!” Ken dramatically clasps a hand to his chest as his eyes light up. “Damn, girl. You give as good as you get.”
Grinning like crazy, I soak up Ken’s admiration. Maybe bowling on a first date isn’t such a bad idea. And maybe I should quit worrying about silly dating rules and be myself. It’s just that I don’t have much of a dating track record, and I don’t want to blow it with Ken. The three months with Paul was my one and only relationship. Guys at my mostly white suburban high school had a certain vision of me—as an innocent, goody-two-shoes Asian girl. And white guys like Paul who were actually into that kind of thing were always disappointed by me. But now that I’ve left high school and the state of Illinois behind, I hope things will be different.
“I don’t want you to get the wrong impression about me.” I plunk my ball into the ball return rack. “So I should let you know that I play to win.”
“Yeah, I can tell.” Ken looks me over slowly. As if he likes what he sees.
Electricity tingles through me. I get the feeling that things are going to be different. That I didn’t make a mistake in moving to LA after graduating from high school a few weeks ago. For one thing, there wasn’t anyone as cool as Ken back in Lake Forest, Illinois. So, if it weren’t for the smell of ancient smoke and the residue of a thousand previous feet in my shoes—I’d think I was in a dream.
Over the next half hour, Ken and I do more flirting and accidentally, on purpose, bumping into each other. Still, when it’s my turn to bowl, I tune out Ken’s friendly heckling and snap my attention back to the game. Like I said, I’m competitive.
When Ken takes his turn, we switch roles. I try to distract him with wisecracks, but he stares down the lane with laser focus. Apparently, we’re both competitive.
I end up winning by a hair. “And let the gloating commence!” I announce gleefully.
A shadow flits over Ken’s face, and anxiety licks at my stomach. Oh no. Please don’t let him be like Paul, who never could stand to lose. I’m competitive, but one thing I’m not is a sore loser. Good-natured ribbin
g is part of the fun, but some guys don’t seem to think so. Not when they’ve lost.
On the fly, I convert my fist pump in the air to a shrug. “Beginner’s luck.” Instantly, I hate myself for doing it. That’s how I was with Paul, always worrying about his ego. It’s one of the reasons I broke up with him. I swore to myself that I’d never get into another relationship like that.
The shadow disappears from Ken’s face. “You won fair and square, so no false modesty, OK?” He opens a can of soda and hands it to me.
Relieved, I accept the soda, and we sit down together on the black vinyl bench. “My friends back home accuse me of being too competitive,” I admit. “They’ve collectively banned me from Monopoly.”
Ken laughs. “I’m competitive too. It comes from having Chinese parents.” He starts mimicking his parents. “You got a 99 percent on that test? How did everyone else do? Anyone get a 100 percent?”
“Right? I got an A-minus one time, and my mom made me talk to my English teacher about it.” To be fair, Mom only did that once, and it was because she thought I deserved better.
“Well, what did you expect?” he teases. “You did get the ‘Asian D’ after all!”
I start cracking up, and it feels so good. I never laugh about this kind of thing with my white friends, who wouldn’t get the joke. But with Ken, we’re sharing an inside joke instead of being the butt of a joke.
“Strict parents, huh?” Ken asks.
“No,” I admit. “They pushed me hard to do my best in school, and I had a curfew, but that’s about it.”
He raises his eyebrows. “So your parents are OK with you coming to LA to be an actress?”
I laugh. “Not exactly.” They were less than thrilled that I deferred my college admission to UCLA to pursue my dream. “I mean, they didn’t rage or threaten. It was much worse than that.” I drop my voice to a theatrical whisper. “They were disappointed.”
We talk about our parents a bit more, and then Ken scoots a quarter of an inch closer to me. My shoulders tense in excitement. Is he going to kiss me? Instead, he asks, “Hey, do you want to go get some food?”
I swallow my disappointment and tell myself that it’s a good thing that he actually wants to hang out and get to know me instead of trying to shove his tongue down my throat.
We leave the bowling alley and go to the diner next door, and Ken tells me about driving an Uber and being a gripper on the set of a low-budget rom-com, although what he really wants is what we all want—to be an actor full-time. I consider telling him about the callback I just got for a role I really want, but I don’t want to jinx my chances, so I keep it to myself for now. Instead, we talk about our chances at getting the part for the toothpaste commercial. “You’ve got this,” I tell him.
“I’m sure you were great in your audition, Gemma.” He sounds totally sincere, like he wants this role for me as much as he does for himself.
“I have to admit that I had a hard time making toothpaste seem exciting.” My voice turns sultry. “Now in cool mint and hot cinnamon.”
Ken laughs. “If you said the lines like that, then I’m sure you got the part!” He comes around the table and slides into my side of the booth so that we’re almost hip to hip. “Let me try.” Staring into my eyes, he says, all low and gravelly, “Toothpaste fresh enough for those special close-up encounters.”
My throat feels very dry suddenly. Ken puts his hand on the back of my head, making the hairs on my neck stand on end, and then he slowly pulls me toward him. He kisses my cheek, and one side of his mouth quirks up at my involuntary sigh. Then his lips meet mine.
Our kiss is slow and sweet—everything a first-date kiss should be.
Then my brain goes into overdrive. He really knows what he’s doing. Has he kissed a lot of people? Where should I put my hands? Am I kissing him back too hard . . . or not hard enough? A. Hot. Guy. Is. Kissing. Me. Shut up, brain, and let me have this.
Ken pulls back just as I’m finally getting into the kiss, my insides melting into goo. Disappointed, I promise myself that next time I’ll let myself enjoy kissing Ken. If there’s a next time, that is.
“So, can I see you again?” he asks with another ultra-sexy smile.
It’s a wonder I don’t puddle to the floor in relief. And even more of a wonder that I sound almost chill when I reply, “Sure.”
CHAPTER TWO
A few weeks later, I’m the happiest girl on the planet. Like pinch-me-I’m-dreaming happy. Ken and I are actually together, and he’s driving us somewhere to celebrate his getting the toothpaste commercial job. I don’t mention that I also got a second callback for that role I’m trying to land. In fact, I haven’t told anyone. As awesome as it is to make it to the third and last round of auditions—getting this role is still a long shot, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up.
The car is heading west, but Ken won’t tell me where we’re going. “It’s a surprise.”
I love how spontaneous and fun he is. His chiseled features and rocking body don’t hurt either.
Twenty minutes later, we’re at the beach. I jump out almost before Ken can park. “This is perfect! I mean, I love Lake Michigan back home, but an ocean beach is just so . . .” I stretch out my arms to take in the pale gold sand and white-capped waves rolling into the horizon under the burning sun. “Glorious!”
Smiling, Ken comes around the car toward me. “Glad you like it.”
For the next couple of hours, it’s like we’re in one of those Asian music videos. The kind that comes on the screen as background in karaoke rooms, no matter what song you’ve chosen. I’m not talking about the part where the girl is wandering sadly in the rain. I’m talking about the flashback scene when she’s frolicking on the beach in a flowing white dress with the boy of her dreams.
Before I know it, we’re standing in the frothy surf, holding hands with the sky a sublime splash of oranges and pinks overhead. If someone else had described this moment to me . . . I’d be making merciless fun of how cheesy it was. But I’m here with the most beautiful guy in the world, and he’s gazing into my eyes, and it’s not cheesy at all.
“I don’t want to see anyone else but you, Gemma,” he says.
Joy melts my bones. “Me neither.” I can’t believe that of all the girls Ken could be dating—he wants to see me exclusively.
He smiles at my fervent agreement. “So, I guess you’re my girlfriend now.”
“And you’re my boyfriend!” It’s way too late to play it cool.
Ken kisses me just as the sun is setting over the ocean. And it’s perfect.
I’m in a fantastic mood when Ken drops me off at my apartment in downtown LA. I have a boyfriend! And he’s cute and übercool! Now all I need is to land a part to pay this month’s rent and my happiness will be complete.
My role as an extra in a low-budget play adaptation of The Wizard of Oz has just ended, and although I’m not sad to give up playing a Munchkin (at five foot four, I’m not that short), I wish I knew where my next paycheck was coming from. It’s depressing how quickly the savings from working at my mom’s museum are disappearing. Maybe I should take an overnight shift at UPS like Glory or work as a waitress like Camille. All of us are trying to make it as actresses, but of the three of us living in this tiny two-bedroom apartment, I’m the only one who doesn’t have a steady part-time job. Luckily, I pay the lowest rent since I’m willing to sleep on the living room pullout couch.
My foot sinks into the squishy part of the carpet at the entrance like it’s being sucked into a wet bog. I swear there’s something moving under the carpet. The rest of the apartment isn’t much better, with its cracked plaster walls and furniture my roommates got from a downtown LA “Buy Nothing” Facebook group, but I’m still grateful to have this place.
It’s unusual for both of my roommates to be home at the same time I am, but when I walk inside, there they are. Camille is sprawled on the couch, going over lines. She was lucky enough to land a bit part in a play recently. Glory is
sitting cross-legged on the uneven carpet, looking at casting calls on her phone, since she’s between jobs. I knew Glory from acting in a few plays together in Chicago. She’s a few years older than I am, but we bonded immediately and kept in touch when she moved to LA last year. Glory was the first person I called when I decided to move to LA, and she generously let me crash at her apartment. And when my Craigslist search for a permanent place came up short, Glory even more generously let me move in with her and Camille.
I shudder when I think about how I could have ended up rooming with some of the others I interviewed with. Like the girl who kept telling me LA was different from “where I come from.” I’d told her that I’m from a suburb of Chicago, and she replied, “Oh, I mean where you really come from.”
“How was your date with Ken?” Glory asks, putting down her phone and stretching her arms overhead. Glory would never ask where I’m really from. In fact, she gets the even more cringey “What are you?” on a regular basis. She’s part Japanese, part Samoan, part white, and all big swoon-worthy muscled tallness with a sexy deep voice and acid humor. Everyone I know has at least a little crush on her. Me included.
“It was awesome!” That doesn’t even cover it. Ken is the coolest guy I’ve ever met, and I still can’t believe he’s my boyfriend.
“Where was this surprise destination?” Camille’s eyes are bright with interest. With her blond beauty queen looks, she’ll probably be the first of us to hit it big, but she’s so nice that I can’t even resent her for it.
Glory grabs some snacks from the kitchen while I settle down on the couch next to Camille at their demand to tell them everything.
I give them a recap of my date, and pretty soon we’re laughing and swapping stories about other dates. Camille tells us about a guy who, at the end of an agonizing date, asked her to rate him on a scale from one to ten.
Glory claims that she can’t remember ever having a truly bad date.
Camille and I groan and pelt her with chips.