by Mary Calmes
I just stared up into his eyes.
"You know who's right for you and who isn't."
"Sam, you can't just come back after three years, tell me you're ready for your life to start, and have me back. It doesn't work like that. I'm different, you're different... just let it go."
He raised his other hand, cupping my face as he stared down into my eyes. "I can't. I want you back... I need you."
I lifted my head out of his hands and stepped away from him. "There's no way. You almost...." And I was going to confess that he had almost killed me when he left. I had been so desolate at being abandoned. Only Dane and my friends and work had moved me through all the heartbreak and the loneliness and the grief. I could never go back there and open myself back up to the pain. I was stupid but I wasn't a masochist.
"I almost what?" he pressed me, reaching out for my jacket only to have me step just beyond his fingertips. "Tell me."
"Nothing," I sighed, trying so hard to smile even though my eyes were blurring. "I'll see ya."
I turned and found I could breathe again as I started down the street.
"J!"
I swung back around to look at him. He was standing there, hands in his pockets, his jaw clenched, just staring at me.
"Can I call ya?"
I nodded, because words were beyond me.
"Okay." He smiled and I turned away before he could say another word.
It took everything I had not to run.
* * * *
When I was halfway home my phone rang, and I smiled when I checked the display.
"Hey." I was happy to hear from him because I'd thought I never would again. It had been six months of silence that I thought was permanent.
"Jory," he breathed.
"When did you get back?" I asked, keeping it light.
"Couple days ago."
"How was Hong Kong?" I asked Aaron Sutter. "Did the hotel go up on time?"
"Of course," he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "This is me we're talking about."
"Sorry." I chuckled. "So tell me everything."
"How about I tell you over a late dinner?"
I hesitated. "Really?"
"Yes."
"But I... I thought you didn't wanna see me."
The cough was barely one. "Listen, I did a lot of thinking while I was away and I realize that you were right... there's no reason in the world for us not to be friends. Just because we want different things shouldn't make us strangers. We spent a year and half together, why would we just throw all that away? It makes no sense."
"This was my argument," I reminded him.
"I know, and I'm sorry for the things I said. I just... I've never asked anyone to live with me before, and I was certain that you would say yes. The no never even entered my thought process."
I sighed deeply. "I'm sorry too. I wish I could've said yes."
"Well, so you know, there's not a time limit on the offer."
"But you said—"
"I know what I said. I'm telling you now, if you change your mind... please tell me. I would love to know if you do."
"You sure?"
"Absolutely."
"Okay."
Long exhale of breath from him. "Good... now, when will you eat with me?"
"When do you want me?"
"Tonight. I have a new chef who makes a wonderful risotto."
"No, I ate already. How 'bout tomorrow?"
"How about now?" he chuckled. "I'll eat and you can tell me all about Dane's wedding. I'll meet you at Serenade instead."
"That's a cocktail bar, Sutter. What're you gonna eat?"
"Are you kidding? They make great steaks there, J. Don't worry, I'll eat."
I let out a quick breath. "Okay."
"Yes? You'll meet me?"
"Sure."
"That's great. I thought I'd have to fight with you."
"No, I'm all argued out."
"Why? What happened?"
"Do you remember me telling you about the police detective I was involved with a while back?"
"The one you were in love with? The one who left you?"
I stifled a groan. The one who left me sounded bad. "Yeah, that's him."
"Yes, I remember."
"Well, he's back and I saw him tonight and—"
"And he wants you back."
"Yeah."
"Of course he does. Makes sense."
"Does it?"
"Yes," he answered. "So can you be there in half an hour?"
"Probably sooner, I'm still downtown."
"Great, I'll see you in twenty minutes."
"Yep," I said and hung up my phone. I was surprised when it rang again. "Hello?"
"Hey."
"Sam. What—"
"Do you still drink tea?"
Weird question. "Yeah."
"Good. How 'bout I make you some?"
"When?"
"Now."
"I can't. I'm meeting Aaron. We're gonna catch up."
"You left me to go see him?"
"No. I left you because there was nothing else to say.
Aaron just got back from Hong Kong and wants to hang out.
It'll be good. I could use the diversion."
"'Cause of me."
"That's right."
"I see."
"I'll talk to you—"
"Don't hang up." He cleared his throat.
"Why? What's the point of—"
"I don't want you to go sit and talk to Aaron Sutter. If you're gonna sit with somebody, sit with me. I'm the one who wants to talk to you."
"Yeah, but Aaron just wants to—"
"What happened to some people stay gone?"
"I guess, in my life, everybody comes back."
He laughed, and the sound buzzed right through me.
"So I'll—"
"Listen, lemme see you tomorrow, all right?"
"No. How 'bout Saturday or Sunday?"
"How 'bout Thursday instead?"
"Sam."
"C'mon."
"Sam, I'm on my way to see—"
"Yeah, I know. Just call me when you're done talking to him, all right?"
"No, that'll be like midnight or—"
"I care. Just call."
"Sam—"
"Where are you going? His place?"
"No, to Serenade," I told him before I thought about it.
"I know where that is."
"Yeah, but don't—"
"Call me soon so I don't show up, all right?"
"Oh for crissakes, Sam, you can't just—"
He cut me off when he hung up. It was just plain rude. I tried to stop scowling before I got to the bar.
When I turned the corner onto the street where Serenade was, I saw Aaron leaning against the side of his black Mercedes in his charcoal cashmere topcoat, looking like some ad in a magazine. Immediately when he saw me I got the smile that lit his eyes. As always, I noticed the warmth in them. Aaron's beauty came not as much from physical appearance as from what radiated from the inside. He was the kind of person people instantly liked, instantly wanted to touch and be close to. He brought it out in everyone, and it was from there that my initial attraction had sprung.
I had met Aaron Sutter when Dylan and I had done some corporate identity work for his company. They wanted to create a logo that embodied their commitment to the culture of the area they built in, their commitment to the environment, as well as speaking to the ideal of their mission statement, which was their constant striving for excellence.
Dylan and I had been unable to come up with something that hit every concept they were shooting for, but Aaron had insisted on taking us to lunch anyway. Later that same day he came by the office when I was alone and asked me to dinner.
I turned him down flat. I did not mix my business and personal life. He told me it was all right since I didn't work for him, but I held my ground and gave him the second no of the night. When he left, I was relieved. I was not in a place where I cou
ld date anyone. I wasn't ready to do any more than I was—going out and going home with a different stranger every night. Having returned to the club scene six months after Sam left, I was in an endless cycle of drinking and one-night stands. I was toxic, and it wasn't fair to subject a nice guy like Aaron Sutter to that.
Aaron might have been nice, but he was also relentless. I got constant calls from him. Would I like to go to the ballet with him? Would I like to go to a baseball game with him?
There was an art exhibit opening, there was a new club opening, a new restaurant downtown... would I go with him?
The answer was always no, but he was so gracious about it, never angry, never resentful, only hopeful each and every time he asked, promising me that surely next time I would say yes. I told him he should concentrate on someone worth his time and he assured me I was.
I saw him at a club on Halloween, dressed like a gladiator, and I was falling down drunk. I stumbled over to say hi and he ended up taking my hand and sitting me down in his lap.
It had to have looked funny since I was dressed like a pirate, but his hand tangled in my hair felt good, as did the arm around my waist anchoring me to him.
"Please, Jory," he said, rubbing his cheek against mine.
"Let me take you somewhere, anywhere. I'll take you to the movies and buy you popcorn. It doesn't matter, I just want to spend some time with you. Please. I'll do anything."
And I gave in, because he was so honest and Sam wasn't coming back. A year had come and gone without a word. I was holding onto a dream and I was lonely and depressed and just a wreck. Dane was on me constantly to start dating instead of just sleeping around. His new girlfriend, Aja, had lots of prospects she was dying to set me up with. It was time, and I took the plunge. Five dates later when I realized that it was me who was going to have to make the move to get us in bed, I invited him over for spaghetti out of a jar and lots of red wine. He told me how great everything was and I rolled my eyes. The man had his own chef and my food was good? It was ridiculous, but the way he watched me, never took his eyes off me, told me all I needed to know.
When we were sitting on the couch watching a movie, I eased him over against me so his back was pressed to my chest. His sigh was long and made me smile. When I slid my hand down his abdomen to his belt buckle, I felt a slight tremble run through him. When I undid first his belt and then the snap of his jeans, he scooted up higher so I could reach him more easily. The zipper went next, and then my hand slipped under the waistband of his briefs to find him already hard. He bucked up into my hand, and his head went back on my shoulder.
"Jory," he moaned out, kissing over my jaw as my hand moved on him. "Please, can I get in your bed?"
"Later," I said, shoving him off me. "First we see what you think of my blow job."
"What?"
I liked that his voice went out on him, and I liked how he could not keep his eyes off me. The panting and writhing that followed, how he begged me... I liked all that too. When he cried my name and had to have me in his arms, all that was good and nice... it just didn't satisfy me.
When I made love to Aaron Sutter, I never had to clench my jaw so I wouldn't scream his name. I tried not to draw a comparison to Sam Kage. It was pleasant enough and Aaron was a very considerate lover. I had appreciated him and when he told me that none of his lovers ever had any complaints, I believed him. Such an attentive, compassionate man could never be called bad in bed. The thing was, I craved dominance and strength. I craved Sam. I wasn't careful or inhibited when I was in bed with Detective Kage, I was myself, and he knew the things he could do to me. So, whereas Aaron would have worried if he were too rough, not wanting to ever hurt me, Sam knew better.
"Jory?"
I looked up and realized that my mind had been drifting.
"Come here."
I jogged over to him and didn't stop, lunging at him instead, wrapping him in my arms.
"Oh." He laughed softly, his face buried in the side of my neck. "Somebody missed me."
Turning my head to lay it on his shoulder, I let out a deep breath. I felt his hand on my hair, felt the other clutching my back, the way he was trying to press against me, and I understood instantly that this was a huge mistake. I pushed out of his arms.
"What?" He looked at me, his hand on my arm. "Why are you—"
"Let's go in," I suggested, taking a step toward the entrance.
"Sure." He forced a smile, his hand sliding down my back.
The lounge was not as crowded as usual since it was Monday night, but it wouldn't have mattered if it were. Aaron Sutter was given the same preferential treatment as Dane or Rick Jenner. Money bought clout, and if you were a patron of a certain place, when they saw you they moved fast to take care of you. The manager was fast getting to us and we were seated at a private table toward the fireplace, away from the noise of the bar. I ordered a Jack and Coke and sat there staring out the window as Aaron spoke to the waiter.
"Hey."
I looked back at him resting his chin on his hand, just absorbing me with his eyes.
"It's a nice jacket."
"Thanks."
"Why don't you take it off and stay a while?"
I smiled and shed the racing jacket, hanging it behind my chair.
"You look good," he said softly.
"You too."
He breathed in deeply. "So tell me all about Dane's big day, any juicy stories? Any women charging down the aisle after him, screaming about not holding their peace?"
I smiled wide. "No, nothing like that."
"I'm sure Aja was stunning."
"Yeah, she was."
"All right then, speak."
I told him all about the wedding and the reception and had his eyes watering with laughter over Dane's groomsmen and the sorry state they were in. I drank and he listened and ate.
I told him about the date I had been on with Brandon Rossi earlier in the evening, and all about Aubrey Flanagan and Rick Jenner. I listened when he told me his war stories from Hong Kong, and how badly he had mangled Mandarin while he'd been there. He had studied the language for a year before going, but in actual practice, he stunk. I was laughing as I listened to him tell me about the food he'd ended up eating because he got his nouns mixed up.
"I really missed you," he said, suddenly serious, his eyes locked on mine.
I smiled at him because it was a nice thing to say.
"Did you miss me at all?"
"Yes," I said, because I had missed him—just not like he wanted.
"Come home with me."
My eyes flicked to my empty highball glass instead of his face.
"Jory."
I finally looked across the table into the clear, turquoise blue eyes.
"You're a mess," he chuckled. "Let me take care of you."
"I'm good," I assured him.
"You drink too much, Jory."
It was an old argument that he was never going to win. I knew my tolerance, even though no one else seemed to believe me. At Dane's wedding, for instance, I had one glass of champagne with the toast and that was all I'd had for the entire night. People mistook me for an alcoholic, and that wasn't the case.
"And I don't want you to end up in some guy's bed because you fell in."
This was what our last conversation had degenerated into when we broke up. He was sure I would end up in the gutter without him, as that was, apparently, where I'd been when he found me. He had wanted to know why I didn't want my life to be good, why I couldn't let myself have nice things, and why I couldn't leave the self-destructive party-boy behind. It was time to grow up and start a life with someone. Time to make a commitment to being a boyfriend and a partner... I wouldn't be young forever. Drinking until all hours of the morning, sleeping with nameless men, how was that good for me? He was offering me a life people would kill for, why would I ever turn him down?
"Jory?"
I groaned, grabbed my leather jacket, and stood up. "This was a mistake, Aaron. It's to
o new. Maybe we can hang out down the road, but not right now."
"I haven't seen you in months."
"Maybe it needs to be a year," I sighed, pulling out my wallet, looking for the bill I needed.
"What are you—wait." He put up his hand as I tossed a twenty on the table. "Just wait. I'll drive you, just give me a—"
"Aaron!"
And I used to hate the way his friends always just showed up and interrupted us, but at that moment they were a godsend.
"Jory." His friend Todd reached for my arm. "I thought you were history, man. I thought Aaron finally tossed the trash out."
Oh! That was so my cue to walk out. "He did, Todd," I slapped his arm hard, turned and walked out of the lounge.
Jacket on, I stood outside for a second and breathed in deeply. What a weird, fragmented night. I needed to go home and go to bed and start fresh the next morning. Everything tilted for a second and then my head cleared. I felt the hand on my shoulder before Aaron stepped around in front of me.
"What?" I sighed, rolling my shoulder so his hand fell off.
"Jory," he grabbed my face in his hands, "I want to take you home with me. Let me."
"After all that? After what you said?"
"What did I say?"
And I realized he hadn't said much of anything; it was just a record that played over and over in my head. He thought of me one way, and it was all he saw and all I heard.
"You don't want me, Aaron," I sighed deeply. "You don't even see me."
"Jory," he said, leaning in to kiss me.
I pushed him back and stepped away. "Let's just take a break, all right. You need to find yourself a nice boy that needs a home. I've already got one."
"Jory, I just want to take care of you."
"That's not what I need."
"You don't know what you need!" he shouted at me.
"You're so hung up on me having money that you can't see what I'm really offering you."
I stared directly into his eyes. "Oh, I know exactly what your offer is."
"Fuck you, Jory," he snapped and spun around and left without another word.
I watched him walk back inside.
"Nice mouth on the rich boy."
I looked up the street and there, parked three cars down, was Sam Kage. I jogged over to him before I even thought about it.