by Sarah Price
In the quiet of the pre-dawn, she found herself humming one of her favorite hymns from when she was a child.
“What song is that, Mami?”
She turned around, startled to see her daughter descending the staircase. “What are you doing up? It’s so early and still cold down here, Izzie.” She met Isadora halfway and greeted her with a warm hug. “Why don’t you go back to bed for a spell?”
But Isadora shook her head.
“It’s Christmas Eve,” she said. “I wanted to help you in the kitchen.”
Amanda’s mouth opened in surprise. With the exception of baking cookies or cakes, it was usually just Amanda working beside Señora Perez. Cooking was not something her children did. “My word, Izzie! I don’t even know what to say!”
Isadora gave a little shrug as if Amanda’s praise embarrassed her. “Yeah, well . . . don’t get used to it,” she said in a serious voice, even though Amanda knew that she was teasing. “What can I do to help?”
For the next half hour, Amanda and Isadora worked side by side, mother and daughter making dough for fresh bread and biscuits. While they waited for the dough to rise, they sat down at the table, Amanda drinking coffee while Isadora enjoyed a hot chocolate.
“Mami, do you ever wonder . . . ?” Her voice trailed off and she bit her lower lip.
“Wonder what, sweetheart?”
She seemed nervous and avoided her mother’s eyes. “Well, you know . . .” She started to play with the edge of a paper napkin, her fingers tearing off little pieces and rolling them into gravel-sized balls. “Like, what would have happened if you’d stayed here?”
Amanda pursed her lips and studied her daughter.
Isadora glanced at her and then looked away. “I mean . . . do you ever think about that?”
Did she ever think about that? More often than she would ever admit. Not to her daughter. Not to Alejandro. And, on some occasions, not even to herself. But she would never say that to her daughter. “Oh, sweetheart, that was such a long time ago,” Amanda answered thoughtfully. “And I love you children and your father so much that I wouldn’t change any decisions that I made.”
There, she thought, secretly pleased with herself. She had answered Isadora’s question without telling a lie. While she’d been taught to live by the Ten Commandments, she’d always felt she could compress all of them into two basic groups: stealing and lying. People who dishonored God, their parents, or spouses stole respect, while murderers stole someone’s life. With her strict upbringing, she could never imagine anyone breaking those commandments. But it was the ninth commandment, Thou shalt not bear false witness—such a clear and simple commandment—that Amanda had to carefully navigate at times, especially when the children asked her questions that she simply did not feel were appropriate for her to answer.
But Isadora had seen through her reply. “That’s not really an answer, Mami.”
Amanda sighed. Especially after her conversation with Alejandro the previous morning, she didn’t know how to answer her daughter. From the determined expression on Isadora’s face, however, Amanda knew she wasn’t going to get off easy.
“Izzie, sometimes it doesn’t make sense to dwell upon what simply can’t be,” she finally said slowly, carefully selecting her words. “God has plans for us, and sometimes things happen for reasons that we just can’t understand. One of my favorite passages in the Bible states, ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ When I met your father, God had something in mind that I never could have conceived. Look at how many children the Princesa Cancer Center helps.”
Isadora narrowed her eyes as she contemplated what her mother was saying. “And all of the young girls you used to help with their self-esteem when you traveled on tour with Papi?”
Amanda was impressed by Isadora’s example. She often wondered if her children truly understood the things she did to help others. “Exactly. God’s plans might often confuse us and seem as if he expects the impossible—”
Isadora interrupted her. “You mean like a simple Amish girl marrying a famous Cuban music star?”
She laughed. “I guess that did seem impossible, didn’t it, now? But that just proves that with God, all things are possible. And I could never look back and ponder over all the what-ifs. In a way, that would be questioning God’s plans.”
Isadora nodded her head as if understanding what her mother meant, but there was still something lingering in her mind.
Amanda reached out and covered her daughter’s hand with hers. “Hey, now, Izzie, what’s this about?”
Taking a deep breath, Isadora exhaled and the tension left her face. “I don’t know, really,” she said apologetically. “I’ve just been thinking, Mami. Thinking and remembering when I was here with Aunt Anna and Mammi Lizzie. I might not remember exact details, but I remember how I felt. And . . . well . . . this week I’ve felt the same way.”
“And how is that?”
She shrugged her shoulders and averted her eyes. “I’ve thought about this and didn’t want to say anything, especially with it being Christmas and all . . .”
Amanda braced herself as she gently coaxed her daughter to unload her burden. “You didn’t want to say anything about what, sweetheart?”
Isadora raised her eyes and stared at her mother. “I . . . I feel happier here.”
Amanda tried not to react, hoping to hide how astonished she felt about Isadora’s confession.
But Isadora didn’t seem to notice as she continued talking. “It just seems so much calmer here, like life is about”—she paused, struggling to voice whatever had been bothering her—“about living. Papi seems so much more relaxed. You seem happier. And Sofia and Nicolas . . . me, too, I guess . . . we have so much more freedom than in Miami.”
Freedom? Amanda tilted her head as she digested her daughter’s words.
Isadora needed no encouragement to continue. “They can run around outside without being bothered by fans or photographers. And I’ve made friends—real friends—who don’t want to just use me to meet someone in Banff or other singers. I mean that’s cool and all, but it’s really nice to realize that people can like me just for me, not for who they think I am.”
“What are you saying, Izzie?” Amanda whispered, although she thought she already knew the answer to that question.
But Isadora didn’t have time to respond. The door in the mudroom opened, and Alejandro hurried through it, along with a cold burst of air. After shutting the door, he stomped his feet on the floor and slapped his arms against his sides as he walked into the kitchen.
“Brr! It’s freezing out there!” He began to take off his coat when he noticed Isadora sitting at the kitchen table with Amanda. “Ay! What is this? A girl party or is there room for me?” He hung up his coat and joined them at the table. He sat down on the bench next to Isadora and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, giving her a sweet, fatherly hug.
She smiled and leaned her head against him.
“Looks like more snow,” Alejandro said. “Makes for a white Christmas. The children will enjoy that, no?”
“That will be a first for us,” Isadora said. “It’s kinda cool, the snow and all.”
Alejandro glanced at his daughter. “Oh sí? That’s a far cry from what you thought about coming here.” He gave her a teasing nudge with his shoulder. “What happened to you missing all of your friends in Miami?”
Amanda quietly got up and moved over to the stove to pour Alejandro a cup of coffee. She tried to make herself busy so that Isadora could talk with her father about what was on her mind. As she waited for Isadora to respond, Amanda shut her eyes and said a quick prayer.
When she had first began traveling with Alejandro, he had warned her many times to be careful of whom she confided in and befriended. Over the years, Amanda had kept most people at arm’s length; she knew from watching Alejandro how often people tried to get close
to him because they wanted something from him. He had warned her that it would be the same for her. At first, she hadn’t believed him, but she had quickly learned that he spoke the truth.
It was the one thing that Amanda had wanted to shield her children from, and clearly, she had failed.
“I made a friend here,” Isadora said at last, her voice low as she spoke. “And she doesn’t know what Banff is.”
Alejandro made a soft noise in his throat, but he didn’t respond. Like Amanda, he waited for their daughter to share what was on her mind.
“In fact, Papi, she doesn’t know who you are . . . or Mami or me,” she continued. “She doesn’t want anything from me. At least nothing more than friendship.”
“It’s good to have friends,” Alejandro managed to say when she remained silent. “True friends, sí?” Amanda saw recognition in Alejandro’s eyes, no doubt thinking about Geoffrey, his manager for the past eight years and one of the only people both of them truly trusted.
“I wouldn’t know, Papi,” Isadora said with no hint of malice or sass. “She is the first one I’ve had. Everyone else just wants to use me to get to you!”
“Ay, Isadora!” he cried out.
Amanda cringed and, as she bit her lower lip, looked up in time to see Alejandro lean his head back. His eyes closed and his shoulders sagged under the weight of his daughter’s words. He took a deep breath. After opening his eyes, he ran his fingers through his hair. He shook his head, just a little, as if disagreeing with something in his own mind.
“That hits below the belt,” he said in a defeated voice.
Isadora tilted her head to the side, lifting her shoulders as she made an apologetic face.
He turned toward Amanda. “Did you talk to her? Is this about your . . . your ‘just be’ speech?”
Amanda handed him his coffee mug and stepped backward. She held up her hands in front of her. “Don’t look at me,” she said. “These are her words, not mine.”
Alejandro arched an eyebrow at her, considering her denial without absolute confidence.
“Alejandro!” Amanda’s mouth opened. “You know I would no sooner lie than . . .”
He seemed to recognize the fact that Isadora had spoken to him from the heart and not for any other reason than that was how she felt. He drummed his fingers against the table, the noise sounding loud in the quiet of the morning. “Well, mis princesas, I suspect that there is not much that I can say to make you feel better, but I can assure you that there are many sacrifices that we all must make in life. What little you gain in one area, you always lose in another. The trick is to find a balance between what you can expect to lose before you accept the gain.”
He reached over and gently patted Isadora’s shoulder.
“I know, Papi,” she said softly.
“Now, moving on, there is something you can help me do after breakfast, Isadora,” he said, giving her a playful wink. “We can talk more then, no?”
Immediately, Isadora brightened and nodded her head. Amanda realized that the times when father and daughter shared private moments alone were far and few between. Indeed, throughout Isadora’s life, most of her time was spent with Amanda or with Amanda and Alejandro. And when neither of them was around, she had been left with Alecia or a nanny, except for the brief period when Amanda had left her in Anna’s care while she was on tour with Alejandro.
The quiet solitude of the early-morning hours, so conducive to serious discussion, was suddenly interrupted. Simultaneously, Hannah and Sofia ran down the stairs while Lizzie entered the room, carrying a baking pan covered with tinfoil.
“I made a little breakfast casserole,” Lizzie announced as she set the pan on the stovetop. “If you put it in the oven at 350 degrees, it will be ready when the rest of the kinner awake. Thought it would save you some time this morning.”
There were no words for Amanda to express her appreciation for her mother’s thoughtful gesture. With Anna returning home later that day, Amanda had a long day ahead of her. She needed to delegate cleaning chores to all of the children as she tried to focus on the preparations for the Christmas Day meal. It was going to be an all-hands-on-deck type of day, that was for sure and certain.
“She’s home! She’s home!” Rachel ran down the stairs and headed to the door, where she joined the others and anxiously waited, her nose pressed against the glass as she stared outside.
“Oh now,” Lizzie called out from the rocking chair. “You’ll catch a cold if you don’t step away from that door. There’s a draft over there.”
The children, however, either chose not to listen or simply could not hear Lizzie’s voice over the sounds of their own excitement. Amanda quickly herded the children away from the door. Bringing a newborn into a house filled with other people was nerve-racking enough, and Amanda did not want the children crowding their mother the moment she walked through the door.
Eagerly, both Alecia and Lizzie joined Amanda to watch Anna’s arrival from the kitchen window. Alejandro had parked the SUV in the driveway, and Jonas walked around the side of the car to open the door for Anna. There was a moment’s pause as she fussed with removing her newborn baby from the car seat.
“Did everyone wash their hands, now?” Amanda asked suddenly, gesturing the two smaller girls to the sink. Isadora was holding Samuel, and with a look of compassion, Amanda relieved her of that duty. “Let me take him,” she said as she put him on her hip. “And remember, girls, no crowding around your mamm.”
It took a few minutes for Anna to move from the car to the house. She walked slowly, holding the baby in her arms. Jonas followed behind, the diaper bag slung over his shoulder.
By the time Anna made it into the house, Amanda had the children lined up in a row, patiently waiting to meet the newest member of the family.
“Oh my!” Anna said as she let Jonas take the baby so that she could shrug off her coat and set it over the back of a kitchen chair. “Look at all of you!” She gazed around the room, her eyes wide open and a smile on her lips. “And you’ve all been so busy! Look how everything is just spic-and-span clean!” Despite appearing tired, she radiated joy. “What a wunderbar welcome home from my family!”
“Hey, I helped, too!” Nicolas said. Sofia jabbed her elbow into his side, and he cried out.
Anna laughed. “I’m sure you did, Nicolas. And you are family, silly. Now, let me sit down in the recliner by the window and introduce you to your new sister.” She looked directly at Nicolas as she added, “And your new cousin.”
For the next hour, the family crowded around the recliner, taking turns sitting on the sofa so that they, too, could hold the baby. Amanda stood next to Alejandro and watched. As her entire family gathered around, staring in awe at the new baby, a new life that had been created and gifted to them, the miracle of God’s love had never seemed more apparent to Amanda.
Chapter Eighteen
“¡Feliz Navidad!” Alecia sang out as she walked into the kitchen, greeting everyone with her arms spread wide, a warm smile on her face.
Sofia and Nicolas jumped up from the table where they were eating breakfast to run to their grandma, almost tipping her over in the process.
“Abuela!” Nicolas reached her first and wrapped his arms around her hips.
Sofia tried to muscle her way past Nicolas, but he wouldn’t release his hold on Alecia.
“Nicolas, be careful!” Amanda called out from the table. She was sitting next to Elizabeth and Sylvia, helping them as they ate the pancakes that she’d made for breakfast.
“Ay, Amanda,” Alecia said with a laugh. “He’s just excited. That’s boys for you.”
When she finally had untangled herself from Nicolas and managed to give Sofia a warm embrace, Alecia made her way over to the table, pausing to give each of Anna’s daughters a quick hug.
“There’s coffee on the stove if you’d like,” Amanda said.
“Gracias, hija, but I’ve already had two cups with Lizzie.” She sat down at the table, eyei
ng the pile of plates on the counter that needed to be washed. “How did your sister do last night?”
When Amanda had come downstairs to start preparing for the day, Anna had joined her for a while until the baby had begun crying. She already looked tired, with dark circles under her eyes, but she remained upbeat and cheerful, even if she was drained physically.
“As well as can be expected with a newborn,” Amanda said as she leaned over to wipe Elizabeth’s mouth. “Getting up to nurse every three hours is exhausting, but looking into that sweet cherubic face is such a priceless reward.”
Alecia looked around the kitchen, her eyes scanning the thread with the Christmas cards hanging over it. There was a wistful look in her eyes, and Amanda wondered what she was thinking. Probably homesick for Miami and the festivities that were undoubtedly taking place at her sisters’ and brothers’ houses. With so much extended family, every holiday seemed bursting at the seams with people and children, food, and desserts. And while most Amish families were large families, often with nine or ten children who were grown and had their own little ones, the Beiler family was not large. And that meant fewer people to gather around the holiday table.
“It’ll be quieter here today,” Amanda said, feeling as if she should apologize to her mother-in-law.
Alecia glanced around at the children still seated at the table. “Quieter can be a nice change, sí?” She straightened her shoulders and managed to give Amanda a small smile. But there was still a wistful expression on her face.
The sound of a horse and buggy pulling up to the house interrupted the morning greetings.
“I wonder who that is,” Amanda said and started to stand up when Isadora ran through the door.
She was out of breath, and her cheeks were pink from the cold. But her eyes shone bright, even as she leaned over and took several deep breaths. “Mami, Papi said you need to go outside. He wants to take you on a buggy ride.”