by Lisa Heidke
I nodded. ‘You’re one of the strongest women I know, Sophie. I can help too, if you let me. We’re in this together.’
She turned and hugged me. ‘Thanks. I feel so guilty when I look back at that time when Levi was a baby,’ she said as we watched Levi skip along the water’s edge. ‘Guilty and selfish. It’s not what a good mother does.’
‘Bollocks. You have to forgive yourself. Levi’s doing fine.’
‘But what if I feel like taking off again, or worse? I have to take charge of my life, take responsibility for my actions.’
I knew Sophie was right because it was exactly what I needed to do as well — take responsibility for the way I was living my life — and it scared the hell out of me.
Tara walked over and draped her arm around Sophie’s shoulder.
‘Sometimes I feel like I’ve been living a lie since Levi was born, like I’m somehow a fraud,’ Sophie said. ‘Maybe I’ve been drifting for years.’
I put my hand up. ‘Me too. But when you’re struggling to keep your head above water, you tend to float with the current.’
‘It’s not always the most sensible option, though,’ said Tara, looking at me pointedly.
‘I know, and I am going to make changes as soon as I get home,’ I said. ‘No matter how difficult they are, or how much I want to avoid them.’
For starters, I had to stop acting irresponsibly. I knew I’d been coasting, not wanting to make hard decisions or, in fact, any decisions about the way I’d been living. I’d lost count of the times Tara had warned me that my laissez-faire attitude would get me into trouble because I didn’t consider the consequences. As much as I loved Einstein’s philosophy, I had to start planning for tomorrow and taking responsibility.
‘You’re not alone,’ said Tara, softening. ‘I’ve done my share of avoidance. I can only imagine what my parents will say when I tell them I’m taking time out to write a novel.’ Tara put her hands up to her head and pretended to pull out her hair. ‘Ahhh! I have to live the way I want to, even if it means disappointing people. Besides, in the past when I’ve tried to avoid upsetting others, I’ve only ended up hurting myself.’
‘I’m so glad this holiday has been good for your writing,’
‘Good? It’s been amazing. Forced me to look outside my comfort zone and explore my creativity, to really challenge and push myself. I feel like a new person. I know that sounds dramatic but I think this holiday has turned into so much more than I ever could have imagined for myself. I can honestly say I am excited about the future, the possibilities. It’s fantastic.’
‘The future,’ I said letting the words hang.
‘The future,’ repeated Sophie. ‘We have to look to the future as having new challenges for each of us. And with the three of us exploring new opportunities, we can support each other —’
‘Like they do in Weight Watchers or AA,’ I said.
Sophie frowned. ‘I guess. I know I have to take control for Levi’s sake.’
The three of us sat quietly staring out to sea, thinking about our conversation. In particular, I was thinking about whether we had the strength to see our resolutions through once we were back home and faced with the reality of our lives. It was easy to be full of grand ideas here on this amazing island.
‘Speaking of which,’ Sophie said, interrupting my thoughts. ‘Where is Levi?’
The three of us stood up and looked around.
‘He was here a moment ago,’ Tara said. ‘I was throwing pebbles into the water with him.’
The colour drained from Sophie’s face. ‘Levi!’
‘He can’t have gone far,’ I said. ‘He’s probably skimming stones down the beach a bit further.’
The trouble was that all along the winding beach there were multiple hiding places for young boy adventurers. There were also scores of sun worshippers and umbrellas dotting the landscape so it was impossible to get an uninterrupted view.
‘I can’t see him,’ said Sophie, twirling around. ‘My God. He’s not here.’ She ran along the beach, shouting Levi’s name.
‘Tara, I’ll go this way,’ I said, pointing in the opposite direction to where Sophie had run. ‘You head up there.’ I pointed to the pathway directly above us. Tara took off and I started jogging along the water’s edge, looking for Levi and a lifeguard.
Along the way I asked people whether they’d seen a small boy. ‘He’s lost,’ I explained in Greek.
‘Ochi! No!’ person after person replied.
I peered behind thyme bushes and through caper flowers in the hope that he was hiding. Back along the beach, I searched as far as I could go, calling out for him. But after ten minutes I hit the bottom of a precipice. Definitely not a hill that could easily be climbed — this was a sheer drop. Looking back along the length of the beach, I figured there was no way Levi could have wandered this far in such a short time. He’d been out of our sight five minutes, seven maximum. It would have been virtually impossible for him to get here so quickly unless he’d been carried.
I started back along the way I’d come, hoping that by the time I returned to the others, Levi would have been found. As I walked, I strained my eyes as far as I could see, hoping to spot Levi’s little pixie face. In the distance, I could see Tara. Sophie was holding Levi’s red cap but Levi wasn’t with them. I ran the last forty metres. When Sophie saw me alone, she burst into tears.
‘I’ll never forgive myself if anything’s happened to him,’ Sophie cried as she hunched over and wept. At her side Tara was describing to an official-looking Greek man what had happened.
‘Claud, can you help?’ she asked, stepping back so that I was standing next to him. He was wearing a navy uniform and he clearly wasn’t on surf patrol.
I explained that we’d lost sight of Levi fifteen minutes earlier and that when he’d gone missing he’d been throwing pebbles into the water. I wasn’t sure how accurate my Greek was, but the officer had a good grasp of English, so between us we managed. I gave the details about Levi’s height, age and the clothes he was wearing, and the officer jotted down notes on blue paper.
‘He was wearing a green T-shirt,’ I said.
‘It was blue,’ said Sophie. ‘Blue with dolphins on the front. Bare feet, navy board shorts.’
‘Perimene!’ he instructed us.
‘Efcharisto,’ I replied and he turned to walk back up towards the path while shouting in Greek on a two-way radio.
‘What did he say?’ Sophie said, her eyes flickering nervously.
‘He’s asked us to wait here.’
‘Wait here? For how long? What did you say back to him?’
‘Thank you.’
‘Thank you!’ Sophie screamed. ‘For what? I can’t wait here. I have to find my baby. He’s lost somewhere in this.’ She pointed at the beach activity around us. ‘I can’t just stand here doing nothing. We have to look for him. He’s a little boy. He doesn’t know where he is and he can’t swim to save himself.’
‘Leev’s a great little swimmer,’ Tara said in a low, calm voice, trying to soothe her. ‘But I don’t think he’s in the water. I asked him barely twenty minutes ago if he wanted to go for a swim and he put his toes in the water and yanked them straight out again, saying it was too cold.’
Relieved, Sophie inhaled deeply.
‘Tara’s right, he’s just wandered off to where we can’t see him.’
‘Really, Claudia,’ Sophie said, her voice suddenly sharp and hard. ‘And you’d be happy about that, wouldn’t you? Levi’s been pissing you off all holiday.’
‘Pardon?’
‘Levi’s been getting in your way, making it difficult for you to lead your self-centred party lifestyle.’
‘Sophie, that’s not fair.’
‘Anyway, what if he hasn’t wandered off?’ Sophie yelled. ‘What if your friends have kidnapped him? Or worse?’
‘He hasn’t been kidnapped, for God’s sake,’ I said, trying to remain calm. ‘It’s not my fault he walked away.’
/>
‘No, it’s never your fault, is it?’ Sophie hissed. ‘You, who only ever thinks about herself. How could it possibly be your fault? You just always happen to be around when bad things happen. You’re a magnet for the dangerous and self-destructive.’
‘Hang on a minute, if we’re talking self-destruction —’
‘Time out,’ said Tara, stepping in between us. ‘This isn’t helping Levi.’
‘She was the one who wasn’t paying attention to Levi,’ I said to Tara. ‘He’s your responsibility, Soph, not mine.’ It was a truly horrible thing to say and I regretted it the instant the words left my mouth.
Sophie turned to Tara. ‘You were playing with him. You said you were looking after him.’
‘Why was it my job all of a sudden?’ Tara answered.
‘Come on. None of this is doing Levi any good. It’s no one’s fault,’ I said. ‘Let’s focus on finding him. We can rip each other apart later.’
It was after four o’clock in the afternoon and Levi had been missing twenty-five minutes. The sky was blue. The sun was still hot but a cool breeze swept over the beach. Thyme fragrance hung in the air. Thankfully, the crowd had thinned so it was easier to do a broad sweep of the beach.
Sophie wiped her eyes, gathered up Levi’s dinosaurs, picked up her bag and once again began pacing the beach calling his name. I couldn’t stand watching her any longer — Sophie’s pain and distress was heartbreaking.
I walked back through several groups of people, retracing my steps and asking for help. No one had seen Levi. At least, no one had noticed him enough to remember seeing him. Tara walked back up to the path calling to Levi as she hiked through the bush.
Ten minutes later, I found Sophie and we walked arm in arm up to find Tara, who was covered in scratches and cuts from low-lying shrubs.
‘We will find him,’ I said, sick with dread.
‘My life’s over,’ said Sophie. ‘Nothing matters if I don’t have Levi. I don’t have anything.’
‘Shhh, don’t talk like that,’ Tara said, hugging her. ‘We’ll find him.’
‘When? He’s gone. My baby’s gone and I don’t know what to do. He’s my life.’
There was nothing I could say. I squeezed Sophie’s hand hard, praying that we’d find Levi safe and well.
Tara stood back and surveyed the beach. ‘I’ve been thinking, who knew we were coming here?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Who knew we’d be here today? How much do you really know about Jack, Claudia? His scooter looks remarkably similar to the one that tried to run you over the other day.’
‘I thought that at first, but look around. Ninety-nine percent of the scooters here look the same.’
‘He could easily have followed us.’
‘Why do you say that? Besides, I didn’t even know we were coming here until this morning.’
‘Still,’ Tara said, raising her voice, ‘I reckon you’re involved in some serious shit and you’ve dragged Sophie, Levi and me into your mess.’
‘That’s not true,’ I said, hoping Sophie might say something in my defence. She didn’t. It was doubtful she’d even heard us talking.
‘How could you say something like that? It’s not true,’ I repeated. If we could just find Levi, then everything would be all right again. The way it should be.
‘Really? What about Con?’ Sophie said, springing to life. ‘What do you know about him?’
I bowed my head.
‘You don’t ever think, do you? You just go blindly along for the ride, never stopping to consider the consequences.’
Tara nodded her head in agreement.
I couldn’t think straight. ‘What about Angie?’
‘What about Angie?’ repeated Tara.
‘She’s been hanging around as well.’
‘Yeah, you’re right. I can see the headlines now: SINGLE MUM FROM LONDON KIDNAPS THREE -YEAR-OLD AUSTRALIAN BOY TO AD TO HER BROOD. What do you reckon?’
‘Marcella?’
‘Don’t be ludicrous!’
‘I don’t know!’ I said, bursting into tears. My head was pounding. Tara and Sophie held me responsible for Levi’s disappearance and I didn’t blame them. They were right. It probably was my fault. I should have thought twice about getting involved in Marcus’s deal. But it was only supposed to involve the signing of some papers! Surely it couldn’t be the cause of a child’s kidnapping?
‘Mummy,’ cried Levi as he wrestled his way out of the official’s arms.
‘Levi, Levi,’ Sophie shouted, swooping down to pick him up. ‘Mummy missed you, beautiful boy. Where have you been?’
‘Looking for sand,’ he replied, showing no signs of distress. ‘And I found some way ober dare.’ Levi pointed to a speck in the distance.
Sophie hugged him fiercely, tears of relief spilling down her cheeks. Tara and I watched with a mixture of relief, gratitude and wonder. Whether Sophie liked it or not, and no matter how much she might want to escape from time to time, she’d always love, worry and agonise over her child. That’s what mothers did, and she was a good mother.
‘Come to sand, Mummy,’ Levi said, struggling to break free of Sophie’s grip, blissfully unaware of the anguish he’d caused.
I looked at Tara. We both shook our heads.
‘Thank God,’ I whispered.
20
Back at the apartment, we were all still shaken up by Levi’s disappearance, and I was worn out from fighting with Tara and Sophie. It seemed frivolous to be heading to dinner with Jack. I didn’t feel like going at all. Not only were my eyes bloodshot from crying, I was exhausted and tired. It had been one hell of an afternoon.
Of course the three of us had fought before. We’d had some doozies over the years. Our spats were never irreparable but sometimes the barbs stung. This afternoon’s drama went to show how quickly accusations and recriminations could be hurled about.
The three of us had been careless with our friendship recently. Though we were tight, it was strikingly clear we hadn’t spent a lot of time with each other of late, and the cracks were beginning to show.
Sophie’s furious words rang in my head. Levi’s been pissing you off . . . getting in your way . . . self-centred party lifestyle . . . a magnet for the dangerous and self-destructive.
I hadn’t behaved any better.
Still, if you couldn’t be honest with your best friends . . . But there was honesty and there was honesty. We walked a very fine line at times and sometimes our jibes came awfully close to crossing that invisible ‘no-go’ zone.
‘Go out with Jack tonight,’ Tara encouraged when I told her I wasn’t up to it.
‘But I should stay here with you three,’ I argued.
‘Levi and I are playing dinosaurs,’ Sophie said. ‘Go have some fun. Please!’
‘At least one of us should be hitting the town tonight,’ added Tara.
‘Want to come?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Tara replied, looking at the notebook in front of her. ‘I’ve got some serious writing to do.’ She patted her book. ‘Although, I’m knackered as well.’
‘What if Jack really is a gangster,’ I said, only half-joking.
‘Sorry about that, Claud,’ Tara apologised. ‘I was clutching at straws.’
I nodded in agreement. As if Jack could be a gangster. He was far too handsome . . . and an Aussie. I mean, he hailed from Yackandandah. ‘I’m sorry about everything, too.’
‘It’s over now,’ said Sophie, hugging a squirming Levi. ‘I’m sorry for what I said, Claud. You’re great with Levi and I know you love him. It isn’t easy being on holidays with a toddler. I’m the one who should have been watching him.’
I hugged Sophie tight. As difficult as our friendship was at times, I wouldn’t swap my best friends for the world. There was something incredible about being able to weather difficult times together.
‘Go on, scoot. Get dressed. Jack will be here soon.’
I checked my watch. Sophie was
right. Jack would be here in less than an hour and I looked like death and felt worse.
In the shower, I washed and scrubbed my body until every pore was squeaky clean. Afterwards, I buffed, waxed, and creamed myself, then plucked every stray hair I could find, including my eyebrows. I had to be careful though. I had a tendency to overpluck when nervous. Some people chewed their fingernails. I plucked eyebrows. Critically, I examined them in the mirror. Raising one, then the other, then the pair of them together. They were uneven and would never be a match for Jack’s beauties. I hoped our children would be blessed with Jack’s brows. It would save them a lifetime of torment.
‘Yes, Jack darling, I always look this good when I tumble out of bed first thing in the morning!’ I said to myself after an hour of primping.
‘You go, girl,’ Sophie whooped when I walked outside.
Tara wolf-whistled.
I couldn’t wait to see Jack. Tonight I was determined to be a dream date. I wouldn’t say anything silly, use any offensive language or act inappropriately. I’d be perfect. The perfect date. The perfect girlfriend. The perfect wife. Okay, that was going too far.
I sat down next to Sophie. ‘How you doing?’
‘Fine,’ she answered as she shuffled Angel cards. ‘Shaky, but happy. Glad to have Levi with me. Happy with the world. Thankful.’ Sophie thought for a moment. ‘And incredibly sad that I’ve taken Levi for granted all this time.’
‘What happened today could have happened to anyone. We weren’t paying attention and Levi scarpered.’
‘Yes, but I was wrong when I said my life would be better if I didn’t have Levi. I can’t believe I even thought that. I’ve spent the last three and a half years running away from him, when in fact he means everything to me.’
We glanced over to Tara who was busily scribbling at the other end of the terrace.
‘You’d better not be writing any of this down,’ Sophie said.
Tara turned to us, raised her pencil and continued writing.
I fidgeted, twitched and looked at my watch again. Jack was half an hour late.
‘Do you want to read my Angels while you’re waiting?’ offered Sophie, holding up the cards.