by Lisa Heidke
I wandered down the stairs and peered into the fridge. Slowly, I retrieved the yogurt and honey and poured a bit of both into my bowl. As was my holiday ritual, I wandered out onto the patio and ate my breakfast as I watched a new fleet of cruise ships make their way into the port. Cruise boats sailed in. Cruise boats sailed out. Rhythmic. Calming. Constant.
‘Did you save me any, greedy?’ Tara asked when she walked out, one towel wrapped round her torso and another wrapped around her head in a turban.
‘Um, a little,’ I replied, suddenly feeling very greedy indeed. I started to stand.
‘Don’t bother. I’ll get some later.’ Tara sat down and gestured towards the pool. ‘Any sign of them?’
‘Nope.’
‘Any noise? Screaming?’
‘No. Very quiet. So when are you seeing Angie?’
‘Soon. We’re going off to one of the more remote beaches today.’
‘Ooh,’ I said, licking my spoon. ‘To do a spot of nude bathing?’
‘Do you mind? Harry will be with us.’
‘Still, I’m sure there’ll be a bit of time for groping and fondling, won’t there.’ I winked.
‘Seriously, you need to talk to someone.’
‘What? You know you want to.’
‘Claudia, take a cold shower, girl.’
‘Well, I guess I’ll have to after the amount of time you and Sophie spent in there this morning.’
Yawning, I stepped inside the shower cubicle. Nothing like a long hot shower to recharge the energy. I turned on the taps, but as I’d suspected, the water was lukewarm.
I was out within two minutes and ready to unleash my fury on Tara. But she’d already taken off. Must have heard my shrieking and fled. I put on swimmers and covered up with a hand-painted sarong I’d bought at a Fira market stall — before budget constrictions came in.
What to do now? I could wander the streets of Fira and pick up a few last-minute pressies, but I’d already bought too many. My baggage limit was blown as it was. Besides, I was determined to stick to the plan and get rid of this bloody debt — legally.
Another option was to head down to the pool as I’d originally intended but that would mean talking to Sophie and Alex and possibly interrupting their heart to heart. I grabbed a handful of dark chocolate from the fridge, made a cup of tea and snatched several magazines from the dining table. Magical option number three. Eat chocolate, drink tea and read magazines on the patio.
‘Excellent,’ I said to myself as I settled down for some serious reading. What a good idea! I was more than enough company for myself. Celibacy would be a cinch.
AMAZING WEIGHT LOSS! AMAZING WEIGHT GAIN! WE TEL YOU WHAT THE STARS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW. I devoured page after page; photos and quotes from ‘friends’ spilling the beans on diet secrets of the stars. Britney slurps on watercress soup; Lindsay only drinks bancha-twig tea (when she’s not guzzling Red Bull and vodka). These people were all insane. How did kids today have a hope in hell of eating normally?
Excuse me. Did I just say kids? Yes. I think I did.
I’d crossed the line. I was officially middle-aged. Fancy me of all people talking about balanced lifestyles. What had I become? I was a tut-tutter. I was turning into one of those people who rang the police at ten in the evening to complain about the neighbour’s music being too loud. I used to be the one with the loud music, the loud parties, the loud life!
I used to be the tut-tuttee!
I’d morphed into my mother, except I was twenty-five years younger and didn’t sport a purple perm. Next I’d be watching the weather channel and listening to elevator music.
While Sophie was slugging it out with her man and Tara was getting it on with her woman, I was fretting over the way kids today were doomed because of celebrities and their bizarre obsession with looking like lollipops. What had celibacy done to me? Would I ever be able to read another trashy magazine? Was I too old for tabloid press? I silently begged the gods, Please don’t take this away from me. It’s all I have.
I was contemplating the hideousness of my shallow life when I turned the page and found what I’d really been searching for. STARS WITHOUT MAKEUP. It didn’t get much better than this. Madonna, Posh, Elle . . . Girls, perhaps if you ate a morsel of food every now and then, you wouldn’t look so pained and haggard when snapped by a pesky photographer at six o’clock in the morning, I thought while scoffing a Greek Cherry Ripe. Still, it gave me a perverse pleasure to read that beautiful, famous and wealthy women had the same mundane issues to deal with as we ordinary folk.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warm sunshine on my skin. Again, I’d forgotten to slather myself with sunscreen. Not that it mattered. The sunspots and skin cancers had had a good two weeks to form and thirty-odd years before that. No amount of cream was going to help now. They partied happily, confident I’d given up the fight, and they were right — there was no way I was getting up again to lather my limbs with lotion. It felt so good lying in the sun, soaking up the rays. That is, it did after I’d pushed silly notions about sunspots and skin cancers to the back of my mind.
‘Ahem. Excuse me.’
I could vaguely hear someone coughing politely beside me but I refused to open my eyes. I was sailing with Matthew McConaughey and he was about to pull the string on my bikini top and kiss me.
‘Claudia?’
Too late, Matthew was gone. Maybe if I rolled over, he’d float back.
‘Claud, am I interrupting you?’
I opened my eyes, squinting. The sun was absolutely blinding. I couldn’t see anything. Blinking, I strained to see who was talking to me. ‘Oh, it’s you.’ I quickly reached for my sarong.
‘I didn’t mean to startle you. I just came around to say sorry and to see that you’re okay.’
‘Of course I’m okay. I’m not about to throw myself off a cliff if that’s what you’re thinking.’
‘I hadn’t actually thought of that.’ Jack seemed surprised, which in turn surprised me. I assumed it was well known that one always felt like throwing oneself off a rocky cliff when one was arrested — no, detained — made a thorough fool of and dumped by a private detective masquerading as a handsome and sexy tourist. Although technically, I kept reminding myself, we hadn’t actually been going out, so I hadn’t been dumped — just used and abused.
‘I’m really sorry. I meant what I said yesterday.’
‘Which was?’ With everything that had been going on, I could barely remember this morning, let alone yesterday.
Jack looked down at the ants trudging along the concrete. ‘That I really liked you from the moment I met you. I thought you were fun.’
‘From memory, I think you used the word “cool”.’ I stood up and fixed the sarong firmly around my body. ‘Thank you for your kind words, Jack. You’re free to leave.’
I started pacing the patio so I wouldn’t have to look at him. ‘What else do you want me to say? Thank you for apologising? I’ve said it. Goodbye.’
Jack grabbed me by the arm as I turned to walk inside.
‘Let me go!’ I yelled, trying to yank my arm away.
‘No. Not before you look me in the eye and tell me you accept my apology.’
‘I already have,’ I said, giving him the briefest of looks. ‘Now let me go.’
‘At least let me take you out to dinner tonight.’
I hesitated but remained strong. ‘Thanks, but I don’t want to go out with you tonight. It’s my last night here and I really want to be with my friends.’
‘Lucky friends,’ Jack said, releasing me from his grip.
‘I’m lucky I’ve still got them after what I’ve put them through.’
‘So are we friends?’
‘I don’t think we’ll be getting together for tea parties back home.’
‘I guess not.’ Jack looked disappointed about that.
Serves you right, boyo, given you deceived me, cuffed me, interrogated me and treated me like trash. ‘I have to say, I thought yo
u were a real arse that morning you arrested me.’
‘I didn’t actually arrest you,’ Jack protested.
‘Your cronies cuffed me! And you treated me appallingly. Not to mention you slept with me under false pretences.’
‘I said I was sorry.’
‘Sorry! You lied to me. You arrested me because you suspected me of being a criminal and, to top it off, you were inexcusably rude during the interview process — sorry’s just not going to cut it.’
I was strong. I walked inside and didn’t look back. So he was sorry. Big deal. His behaviour had confirmed all of my worst fears about ever getting serious with another man. What was I thinking, letting myself be taken in by him?
I was sad and depressed. I was also well (very well) into my thirties, single and was facing a precarious work situation. I was pretty much where I had been at the start of the holiday but at least back then I was only thirty-eight and had this holiday to look forward to.
‘That went well.’ It was Tara.
‘I thought you’d already left.’
‘I did but when I got to the bus stop I realised I’d forgotten my wallet so I came back, right around the time Jack was begging for forgiveness.’
‘You heard?’
‘A little. And I’m not saying you don’t have every right to be pissed off —’
‘Super pissed off!’
‘Okay, super pissed off. Look, what Jack did was reprehensible.’
‘You think?’
‘But, Claudia, I can see how much he really likes you. I don’t approve of his actions but everyone makes mistakes.’
‘You of all people —’
‘Exactly. Me of all people can be objective. Yes, he had a severe lapse in judgement, but don’t condemn him for the rest of his life. He seems decent enough.’
‘Decent enough’s not good enough, Tara. I’ve been through this shit before. I’ll need a guarantee next time.’
‘That’s not realistic —’
‘I don’t care. It’s how I feel. Besides, I’ve got bigger problems than Jack. My career’s in the toilet, I have nowhere to live, I’m up to my neck in —’
‘Whoa! Back up a minute. You live with me.’
‘Tara, you’re leaving. We know my living with you was only temporary. Now you can lease your place properly and get the rent you deserve.’
‘You can’t move out. I can’t entrust my beloved terrace to strangers! Once I know when I’m leaving, we’ll interview for a new flatmate. You’ll be in charge. Sort of like a manager, but you will need to look after my garden and keep the place in good working order.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, my eyes welling with tears.
‘Now, what are we going to do about Mr Harper?’
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘I’m not going to butt in —’
‘Any more than you already have.’
‘Claudia, love doesn’t come along often. I know George was a complete fuck-up —’
‘And Marcus, and Eric, and —’
‘Okay, you’re right. There’ve been a few. But that doesn’t mean you should shut yourself off from living life. You fall off the horse, you pick yourself up and get back in the saddle again. That’s what we do.’
‘Maybe you do, but I’m not. It’s too damn hard.’
‘Of course it’s hard, but you can’t let real opportunities pass you by. I know how you feel — lost, alone and sad — I’ve been there. But sometimes you have to give in to your other feelings of excitement, nervousness, lust . . . and take risks.’
I raised my eyebrows.
‘Okay, so you’ve taken more than your fair share of risks. What harm could taking one more make?’
‘Don’t you have a bus to catch?’
28
After Tara left I couldn’t settle, so I decided to make the most of the glorious sunshine and the Santorini sights. I walked and walked, hiking up steep cliffs, walking along ancient cobblestones and strolling through tiny hamlets, striding straight past shops and market stalls, only stopping to pat donkeys and admire the occasional garden.
I made my way down to the port, then wandered around to the small pebbly beach nearby. I sat down with a bottle of water and contemplated my circumstances.
Perhaps Tara was right. I had to keep living, moving forward. Though I couldn’t switch off my feelings for Marcus, I had to stop feeling so guilty. It wasn’t my fault he was a bastard. Yes, I had to take responsibility for my part in our affair but not for his criminal actions. I had to be kinder to myself. This was a wake-up call and I was definitely now wide awake.
I stared back at the huge cliff I needed to climb to get back up to Fira. It’d be easy to lie and say I used my two good legs and walked myself up the hill. But I didn’t. I didn’t take the donkey option either. I caught the cable car. The one time I’d ridden in a cable car — Taronga Park Zoo, Sydney — I’d felt moments away from disaster, terrified that the carriage would suddenly snap from its support wires and crash to the ground, leaving me at the mercy of marauding orangutans. Despite the absence of apes, my fear today was no less overwhelming. So, instead of enjoying the view, I spent sixteen and a half excruciating minutes gripped to the seat, my eyes firmly fixed on the wires above.
On the walk home, I popped into my favourite stores and picked up essentials for our last night, not that I knew what Sophie or Tara would be doing. In all likelihood, they’d be out on the town with their beaus. That was okay. Perhaps Levi and I could spend the evening together hustling dinosaurs and eating M&M’s. He wasn’t such a bad kid. In fact, Levi could be a delight when he wasn’t fixated on poo or throwing a tanty.
Rather than buying everything in the shop, as I would have done in the past, I limited myself to one packet of pasta, a small tub of olives, one dip, eight dolmades and one mid-priced bottle of wine. Frugal, thy name is Claudia. When I arrived back at the apartment happily not laden with goodies, I felt quite pleased with myself. I’d finally shown some restraint.
Angie and Tara were on the terrace, reading quietly and giggling to each other like a couple of teenagers in love. Their chairs were so close their arms were touching. I stopped and observed as they whispered secrets into each other’s ears. I’d never seen Tara like this before, not with Jules, certainly not with Anthony.
Alex was next to them, reclining on a sun lounge, sound asleep and snoring loudly. Nearby, Levi and Harry sat quietly, halfheartedly pushing cars and trucks through dinosaur roadblocks. A couple of empty chip packets and a bowl of half-eaten popcorn sat beside them.
Tara looked up at me. ‘You had the same idea, hey?’
‘What’s that?’
‘Gather enough food and drink to feed a small nation.’
‘Err, I did buy a few bits and pieces but not as much as I normally would have. I’m trying to stick to my budget.’ I nodded in Levi and Harry’s direction. ‘How you guys doing?’
‘Tired,’ Levi admitted.
‘I’m not tired,’ said Harry.
‘Yes, you are,’ Levi replied.
‘I’m not going to sleep, but,’ said Harry.
‘Me neither,’ agreed Levi.
‘Soph, how’s it going?’ I asked, dumping my grocery bag on the kitchen bench. She looked great, dressed in a simple white singlet and a multicoloured patchwork skirt with beaded thongs. If I’d seen that skirt hanging in a shop, my first reaction would have been ‘yuk’, but it suited her perfectly. Soph could wear a paper bag and still look stunning.
‘Okay. Tea?’
‘Sure.’ I was desperate to ask her about Alex but didn’t want to pry. Thankfully, I didn’t need to. Sophie was happy to divulge.
‘Before you ask, Alex and I haven’t had a chance to talk. He’s been entertaining Levi most of the day, and when we got back, Tara, Angie and Harry were here, so we spent the afternoon with them. And now Alex is asleep.’
‘Yeah, I heard him cutting logs out there. So what do you think is going on?’
Sophie
shrugged. ‘Alex said he missed us.’
‘Clearly! He flew halfway around the world to see you!’
Sophie handed me a mug of tea and we walked out into the lounge room and sat down. ‘I was furious when he barged in here this morning. Angry that he’d invaded my holiday. I felt like he’d come to spy on me. But now that he’s been here a while, I don’t think that was his intention. When the three of us were at the pool today, it was relaxing and peaceful.’ Sophie drank her tea. ‘Levi’s beside himself with happiness. It’s been nice.’
‘You sound surprised.’
‘Yeah, I keep thinking Alex is going to tell me he’s leaving.’
‘Soph, ever since I’ve known Alex you’ve been saying he’s going to leave you.’
Sophie shrugged. ‘Blame it on the insecurities that come with being a second wife.’
‘Unfortunately, you’re always going to be Alex’s second wife. You need to get over it.’
‘You are so full of clichés. Get over it?’
‘I’m just saying Alex isn’t going to leave you.’
‘He left Harriet.’
‘She was having an affair. And if he hadn’t left her, you two would never have met.’
Sophie waved me away with her hand. ‘I keep having panic attacks about being alone, and in a of couple of years I’ll be forty with absolutely no hope —’
‘Like me!’
‘No, not like you. I have Levi.’
‘Thanks. That makes me feel better.’ I took a moment. Sophie could be thoughtless at times, but I didn’t take her words to heart. Finally I said, ‘You’re being silly. He loves you.’
‘What’s all this about?’ asked Alex, ambling through the open door from the patio. ‘Who loves my gorgeous wife?’
‘You do!’ I jumped up to greet him.
‘Too right,’ replied Alex, smiling at Sophie before embracing me in a tight bear hug.
‘How are you, old girl?’ he asked, taking a good look at me. ‘I hear you’ve had a busy couple of days.’
‘Yes, but it’s over now,’ I said firmly. ‘This is a big surprise. Couldn’t bear to be parted from Soph another few days, hey?’