by Mia Ashlinn
Just before Thanksgiving, a spiteful woman had sent Sarah a copy of the crime photos from the night her ex-boyfriend had attacked her. Leila Schilling had wanted to mess with Sarah’s head as a means of revenge against Sarah’s friends and family in Serenity. She had gotten exactly what she’d hoped for. Just one look at the graphic images had brought back every repressed memory of the worst hours of her life, and she’d been forced to relive that night all over again.
Sympathy filled Kylia’s gaze as she clasped Sarah’s hand in her own. “But Sarah, honey, it’s not good to make big decisions when your emotions are skewed. You need a level head.”
Sarah didn’t agree. Not one bit. “No, I need to do something. If I don’t, I never will.” She lifted her tea and sipped on the still-hot brew. As she sat the mug back down, she went on, “KK, I sat at the table yesterday with my loved ones and watched them. They have lives. They have spouses and children. They have homes and jobs. And I have nothing. I live in an apartment in The Edge that doesn’t belong to me. I sold my salon, so I have no job. And other than Deke and Adam, I have no males in my life. Goodness knows those two aren’t going to be running me down the aisle anytime soon.”
“Sarah—”
Sarah cut Kylia off. “I don’t have a future. Not one that I want.”
“Honey—”
Again, Sarah interrupted Kylia. “At first, living at The Edge was about having a place to be safe from Gavin, if he came back like he promised. When he didn’t return, staying in Kinky was about me having time to heal emotionally and physically. But it was never supposed to be like this. I’m not moving forward. Nor am I moving backward. I just exist.”
Kylia nodded. “I understand that. But you have to remember it takes time to heal from an abusive relationship, especially one to the extent of yours and Gavin’s. He nearly killed you.”
“Yes he did,” Sarah agreed. “He nearly killed me. But he didn’t actually do it. I’m alive. I’m breathing. Now it’s time to start acting like it.”
* * * *
I feel like hell.
Rolling over onto his back, Adam Stanton turned his head and peered across the bed at his longtime lover, Deke Andrews. The man he’d loved for half his life was sleeping. But it was hardly a peaceful slumber. He’d spent the majority of the night tossing and turning, cursing and groaning. He’d even broken out in a sweat that soaked the sheets. Obviously, his nightmares were back.
Eyeballing his big, dark-haired partner, Adam couldn’t help but worry. Since Sarah’s attack all those months ago, Deke had changed. Adam had noticed little things that were different, things that didn’t always make sense. And as much as he hated to admit it, Adam felt his partner pulling away from him day by day.
Sluggishly cracking open one brown eye, Deke looked at Adam and said in a thick, sleepy voice, “Stop looking at me like that. I’m fine.”
“Bullshit,” Adam growled. “You’re not fine. You haven’t been for a long time.”
Deke shook his head. A sound of disgust rumbled in his throat as he opened both his eyes. Quickly, the drowsiness fled his piercing gaze, and he appeared to shake off the last of his lethargy. Grunting, he threw back the blankets then rolled out of bed. “I’m fine,” he repeated. “It sounds like people are up already. I’m going to get dressed then hit the gym.”
Making a split-second decision, Adam decided to follow his instincts and go with his partner. Maybe then he would be able to pressure him into talking to him. “Me, too,” Adam said. “I need to work off some steam.”
Adam snorted inaudibly. He needed to work off more than steam. Lately, he was torn in so many directions he didn’t know which end was up. Between Sarah and Deke, his heart ached for what they were going through and his cock throbbed in need to physically connect with the people he loved most. Considering his recent abstinence, Adam figured that wasn’t likely to happen.
God knew he and Deke hadn’t made love in weeks. For one reason or another, it never worked out. Although, Adam suspected there was more to it than that. As far as Sarah, he wouldn’t touch her without Deke. That would be cheating, and he loved his partner too much to do that to him. So he suffered without either of the people he loved. It was killing him, decimating his heart daily. But he couldn’t tell them that. He couldn’t show them either. They had too much going on to deal with his shit.
Oh well. Time to stop being a pansy. Flipping the covers back, Adam crawled out of the bed. Standing to his full six-foot-one-inch height, he stretched all of his stiff joints. He ignored the age-induced cracks and pops. At thirty-six, he knew he was in good shape. But still, his age was beginning to creep up on him.
“I think I’ll hit the shower,” Deke murmured so quietly that Adam barely made out his words. “I can work out later. I’m not really feeling up to it anymore.”
Of course not, bastard. That would involve you talking to me. “Whatever,” Adam grumbled. “I’m going to get dressed and check on Sarah.”
Deke’s face instantly closed up. He went so arctic that Adam felt the nip of cold air blasting from across the bedroom. “Do what you want,” Deke snapped. “She’s probably still asleep.”
Adam didn’t think that was real likely. But he didn’t say anything. Instead, he turned his back on Deke, ignoring the pain that besieged him when he did, and started toward the closet. A second later, he heard the bathroom door slam shut. However, Adam said nothing. He did nothing to acknowledge his partner’s departure. He just kept going until he stepped inside the closet.
Marching over to where his clothes were hung neatly, Adam yanked a pair of jeans off one hanger then took a couple of steps and grabbed a sweater off another. He dressed himself with agitated hands, trying to think about anything—other than Deke and his brutal dismissal.
Once he was dressed, Adam hurriedly checked himself in the mirror. Satisfied that he didn’t look like shit, he went in search of Sarah. It didn’t take him long to find her in the kitchen with Kylia.
Rather than disturb them, he passed the door on his way to the living room. He’d made it about two steps past the doorway before he heard the sound of Sarah’s soft, sweet voice saying, “I’m going to live my life the way I want to. And the first thing I want to do is move to Kinky permanently. That’s where my heart is.”
Adam’s own heart stopped. He’d been expecting this day to come but not so soon. Part of him was thrilled for her. But the other part of him was panicking. He’d hoped he could have everything worked out with Deke before she came to them. And he knew she would come to them. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but she would come. It was only a matter of time.
Adam had known since the day he’d met her that she was the one for them. Now he just had to figure out how to convince Deke of that. And he had better do it soon.
* * * *
Glaring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, Deke had to force himself to not smash his fist into the glass. God, he was such a fucking bastard. He’d treated Adam like shit for no real reason. His partner hadn’t done anything wrong. It was Deke who had. It was Deke who was fucking everything up. Not Adam. Like a fool, he was the one allowing his past to rule his life. And every day he did, he became harder. Every night, he became colder.
Deke snorted. As if that’s possible. I’m about as warm as an icicle. He had been for as long as he could remember. His drug-addict mother’s abandonment and deadbeat father’s abuse had hardened his heart at a young age. But two disastrous relationships with two different women had hardened him further. And after them, he’d completely closed off his heart. Other than Adam, he hadn’t let anyone in. Now, he wasn’t even letting him in.
Guilt cut into Deke. He was so tired of the void between him and his partner. It had become this yawning space he couldn’t even begin to cross. And he felt helpless to the distance, helpless to fix it and helpless to stop it. Seventeen years together, and their relationship had been reduced to fighting and cold silence.
Frustrated, Deke raked a hand throug
h his hair as he took one last look at the man in the mirror. He didn’t know that person. That man, the one staring back at him, had bags under his eyes and stress lines that stood out. He had a thinner face, and he had sad eyes. Surely to God, that wasn’t him. If it was…he didn’t even want to think about that.
“Damn it,” Deke growled. “I’m just torturing myself.”
Angrily, Deke spun on his heel and stalked across the cool marble tiles. He swung open the shower door then turned on the water and adjusted the temperature. As he stepped inside the glass stall, hot water pelted him, but he ignored the small annoyance and sighed heavily.
He was driving himself crazy, and over what? The fact that he wanted a woman he couldn’t have, a woman he would never have. That was insane. Most people would be thrilled to be in his shoes. He was rich and powerful and had a loving partner. That would be enough for them. But no, he had to be greedy. He had to have more. He had to have Sarah.
Guilt assailed him again, the pain twisting his gut. “Fuck me.” He needed to get a grip. Life was what people made it. And he’d made his into a catastrophe a long time ago. Standing here, wasting time and sniveling over how bad life was, was useless and pointless. He had better just suck it the hell up. If he’d survived his shitty past, he would survive this. But at whose expense? Mine? Adam’s? Or even worse, Sarah’s?
Deke didn’t know who would pay for the sins of his past. But he had the most horrible feeling that he would find out—and soon.
Chapter 1
Eight weeks later, January in Serenity, Kansas…
With a wistful sigh, Sarah Matthews glided her right hand across one of the lavender curtains hanging in front of her. She skimmed her fingertips along the old, worn-out window covering before slipping them between the slit dividing the two panels and opening the wool fabric just wide enough to see through.
As she peered out of her apartment window for the last time, a half smile spread across Sarah’s face. “I did it,” she whispered to no one in particular. “I made it to the first day of my new life.”
Staring down two stories at the four men piling the remnants of her belongings into the trunk of a shiny blue Mercedes Benz that would officially move her to Kinky, Kansas, Sarah felt a surge of electric energy whip through her veins. She immediately recognized the feelings assailing her senses. She was excited. And she was more than a little scared. But mostly, she was proud of herself. In that moment, she was prouder of herself than she’d ever been before.
Standing alone in her barren apartment watching her foster brother, Landon Tolliver, place the last item she was taking with her in the sedan, the impact of the moment rushed over Sarah. She realized that she’d finally managed to take one small step in a new direction, in the right direction. She’d made her first move toward the life she’d given up hope on, toward the life she’d only dreamed of. And she could barely contain her delight.
When she’d had her epiphany at Thanksgiving dinner last November about starting her life anew, she’d had no clue what she was going to be up against. The uphill battle hadn’t looked so dangerous or so steep. For her, it had been ridiculously easy to sit down surrounded by loved ones and say to herself, Hey. I’m tired of living life like a china doll in fear of breaking. I want to be rough and tough and ready to take on the world. But doing something about it was a whole new ball game.
“Sweet Sarah,” Katie-Anne Jacobs murmured unexpectedly, using the nickname all of the women in Serenity called her. “Are you ready to go? The guys are waiting.”
Yanking her hand from between the curtains, Sarah spun to face Katie-Anne. Not surprisingly, her sister-in-law wasn’t alone. As always, the willowy woman was accompanied by her two best friends, Jaycee Blakemore and Shannon Dalton. The two women flanked Katie-Anne’s sides, showing off yet again how different all three women were. The pint-size blonde Jaycee, the curvy redhead Shannon, and the dark-haired Katie-Anne couldn’t be more different if they’d tried.
“Yeah,” Shannon said, rubbing her barely swollen stomach that housed the twins she’d just found out she was carrying. “The men are getting antsy. I think Adam’s afraid you’ll change your mind and stay here with us.”
“Heaven forbid that should happen,” Jaycee mumbled.
Adam Stanton. Sarah couldn’t stop the sigh that formed on her lips. Mr. Suave. That’s what the girls in Serenity called the beautiful man. She probably shouldn’t say he was beautiful. But goodness, he was.
With chestnut hair that begged her to run her fingers through its thickness and celestial blue eyes that entranced her, Adam was to-die-for delicious. His incredibly male, rock-hard form was enough to make her heart go pitter-patter in her chest. But even the sleek lines and hard contours had nothing on his heart-stopping, panty-melting smile.
Oh shish kebob. His warm, caring smile. And then, he opened those delectable lips and spoke like the kind, generous human being he was. He just had to be sweet and loving…and absolutely perfect. And to top it off, he was meant for her. She knew it, just like she knew she was destined to be his.
But of course, life was too cruel to allow them to meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after. No, Adam had to be taken. He had to be committed to another. And irony of ironies, his partner was the other man Sarah loved, the other man she was meant to belong to. He was the one man who could keep them all apart.
Deke Andrews. Mr. Cool. That’s what the girls called him because of his ice-cold persona. Unlike his long-term partner, Deke wasn’t the perfect man for her. He was intimidating and filthy rich and cocky as all get out. And sheesh, he was seriously sexy, too. The Dom had tall, dark, and handsome down pat.
At several inches over six feet, Deke’s powerful frame dwarfed hers. His rippling muscles and larger-than-life body overwhelmed her every sense. The nearly black hair he cut dramatically short and his insanely intense brown eyes whispered wicked whenever she saw him.
Naturally, Sarah’s heart was a lost cause with Deke. She had loved him and worshipped him since she was old enough to toddle around. Her body had craved him, his possessive touch and his dominant nature, since she’d learned what hormones were. Everything in her body wanted him, just as it did Adam.
“Sarah?” Jaycee asked. “Are you in there?”
Blinking, Sarah realized that her mind had slipped away. Oops. “Yep,” she croaked. “I’m ready.” I think. “Why don’t you guys head down? I want to…say good-bye to the place.”
With mumbled agreements, all three of her friends disappeared out the door. Happy to have one more minute alone, Sarah took a shuddering breath. It was odd. She’d thought she would feel sad when she left her apartment and drove away from her hometown. But she didn’t seem to be. Even with the fear of the unknown, she felt better than she had since the attack that had ripped away the woman she’d been, the attack that had stolen her very innocence.
Sarah shook her head. No. I don’t think so. She refused to even think about that night. She wasn’t going to let the past overshadow the prospect of her future. So rather than dwelling on all the bad things or continuing to overanalyze every emotion she felt, Sarah strode across her empty living room then walked out the door without looking back. She merely pulled the door closed behind her before locking it and turning away.
Before she realized it, Sarah had descended the stairs and was at the apartment building’s exit. Not hesitating, she stepped out the door and into the cool Kansas day. Despite the fact that it was winter, the weather seemed warmer somehow. But it could have been her imagination. At the moment, everything seemed a little bit better, a little bit brighter.
“Sweet pea,” Adam called out when he spotted her. “We need to get moving. I want to get you settled in your new place before dinner.”
My new place. That sounds so exciting. Sarah had recently rented an apartment in a building a few miles from Deke and Adam’s BDSM club. The two men had not been thrilled that she wanted to live in downtown Kinky rather than with them at The Edge. Actua
lly, they’d been downright irate because they’d wanted her to stay in the club, exactly where she’d been living for almost a year.
After her attack last February, the two men had set her up in a private wing of the club. They’d insisted she stay there so they could take care of her. But she wouldn’t allow them to baby her any longer. She wasn’t their girlfriend or wife. Goodness, she wasn’t even their sub. Yet.
Oh crab cakes. I just had to go there. Didn’t I? Sarah knew what she wanted. She wanted to explore her sexuality. And she wanted to find a way to accept her submissive nature. That was the best way to take back her life. But there were only two men she trusted enough to take her on the journey to self-discovery.
Of course, she was too afraid to ask either of them. Every day, she attempted to work up the courage to approach Deke and Adam. And every day, she wimped out. The words Will you introduce me to BDSM? stuck in her throat when she opened her mouth to utter them.
It’s not like they’ll say yes. She knew Deke well. The stubborn man wouldn’t agree to her proposal. No matter what she said or did, he would fight her until he was blue in the face. But she had to try. Otherwise, she would spend her life regretting it, wondering about what could have been. When Deke told her “no,” she’d think of an alternative then, preferably not the only one she’d come up with so far—finding a Dom to help her, a man that was neither Deke nor Adam.
Swallowing around the sudden lump in her throat, she forced back her fears and smiled up at Adam. “I’m ready if you are,” she said as he strode forward and clasped her hand in his. “Just let me say good-bye to the girls.”
“Sure,” Adam agreed, squeezing her hand gently. With a smile, he brushed a fleeting kiss across her knuckles. “Deke and I’ll get rid of your brothers. We don’t want them to come along for the ride back to Kinky.”