From that moment, we started to interact more and more. She became an interesting person who surprisingly does not judge me for my tribe. Every time she hugged me after school for farewell, the world seemed to stop, and I wanted it to last forever.
I ignored the comments from popular Dalab girls who blew raspberries at me with gasps of, “How come this creepy douche dared to molest this social queen?” and “Why the fuck did this beauty settle for such a disgusting asshole?”
Even Erzhan and his gang’s threats somehow diminished. I could not hear Kambar, Hamit, and Zhandos threatening me with insults like, “If you’re really a man who’s worthy of her, then fight me, or I’ll rape the shit out of your slut in front of your eyes.” I could only see my Elena, my sunshine in the darkness of this toxic environment. I was able to touch her heart with my heart. When I was around Elena, all I felt was support. The sole thing I was able to hear was, “I want you to know that I’m always here for you, just as I have promised. You are such a brave man who has the courage to open up to me.” I felt safe in her arms, away from the brutal society around me. She brought me hope and the belief that there is something better out there. She made me realize that the government’s oppression, the peers’ bullying, isolation, and my teachers’ dismissive actions were not normal.
This was what falling in love was like. It was something I never wanted to end. For so long, I had longed for a sense of emotional safety. A girl to whom I can open my darkest sides that hurt me the most, without being judged like it always happened with others. Someone who can be there for me during good times and bad times. However, that love was never returned.
Every time I asked for her hand and for something more serious, she told me, “How about we stay as friends instead for now and keep the distance?” Nevertheless, she continued to hang out with me and Sabit, with whom we were a squad of the three best friends.
Now in my sleep my mind shifts to a different scene. Two months remained before graduation. I entered the school’s cafeteria during one of the lunches. The school cafeteria was a graveyard: dark and gloomy, yet crowded and noisy. I was lost in that big pile of gray mass, lonely, yet in a crowded and noisy place. Sabit was not there. All but two tables were packed with company. A squad of American guys and ladies were eating burgers in the center of the cafeteria. Kambar and his gang flirted with their girlfriends while munching on their well-done steaks in the right corner of the cafeteria. Asian foreigners in the left part tasted sushi rolls and other Oriental foods in the left section of the school canteen. I came to a place on the canteen’s outskirts where I usually sat with Sabit and Elena. I could see nobody there, not even the unknown people who refused to talk to me. So, I took my seat.
Finally, two strange people entered the cafeteria. I could not see who they are from far away despite my strong glasses. However, they still stood out in the gray crowd in the sterile, lonely, and gray school cafeteria.
I ate my buckwheat with meat and vegetables to avoid being distracted by them. I solved some calculus problems from my math homework while waiting to see them better. Once I was done with the final question, I looked up, and my heart dropped into my stomach.
Elena sat next to Erzhan! The very same Janbek tribesman who believed in tribal superiority, took special pleasure in jumping on me with punches and tribal slurs, and dominated the school’s social scene. Elena held his hand in front of me, and occasionally he leaned over to kiss her on her rosy cheeks, her pale forehead, and her pink lips.
I could not believe it! What did Elena, an empathetic progressive woman, saw in Erzhan? Why did such an individual who was inclusive towards people like me… chose a conservative Elite Tribe supremacist? A feminist girl selecting a traditionalist sexist who believed in dominating women with force and taking advantage of “the inferior species.” How could these opposites attract?
My world shattered. I just have lost this very rare connection that made me feel so complete and secure!
One less person to trust—such a big loss for me! The girl I fell in love with and cared about had died that very day. Were my love efforts even worth it—that was the question I asked myself, and once again, I began to doubt myself.
Her dating such an alpha male seemed to contradict everything Elena believed in! What exactly made her betray her values for some alpha male’s cock? What did I do to make her attracted to him specifically, instead of me, Sabit, or even a random foreign man? Did I create guilt in her, or was she just a skilled liar who used me like a plastic utensil?
I didn’t think it was the latter because she continued to support me during the World Debate Cup tournament that we won together in Barcelona and All-Dalabistani School Soccer League even when she was dating Erzhan.
Nevertheless, the quest for her heart was undoubtedly lost. Had I lost her because I was unattractive? Unattractive because I was not aggressive or vulgar enough? Because I was a nice guy who still believed in chivalry? Most girls nowadays brand these males with disgust and annoyances of being “so cliche and bittersweet, ugh!” Because I opened up to her. Because I was too available to her. Because nobody else wanted me. Because I believed she could save me. Because I was just an annoying shy nerd who didn’t enjoy a high social status at school. Because of my lack of actions to get her romantic interest.
My mind in my nightmare quickly teleports to the next day. Trying to get my brain to focus on my work and to recover, I wandered through the crowded hallways of my school. The American teens kept their distance from their Dalab classmates. I tried to talk to these teens once again, but John and Emma continued chatting about their favorite TV shows and making jokes. John was a tall guy from twelfth grade with bushy brown hair who liked to play basketball and had a big beard. Emma was a girl from twelfth grade who was short, had blue eyes, and liked to wear bright-pink nail polish on her pale hands. Zholan told me before that he heard they are dating. They seemed to care more about partying than applying to universities or planning their future; maybe that was the case for those children of affluent parents, regardless of whether it is a Dalab teen or an American teen.
While John and Emma ignored me when I wanted to talk with them about their plans for Prom in a few weeks, John was just standing in front of Emma and with his Dalab twelfth-grade friends as well, talking and drinking a Red Bull can while concealing his e-cigarette in his pocket. They ignored me like always.
The popular kids laughed and pointed their fingers at me, “There, that rabble comes again!”
For these eleven long years, I heard that same thing in my school. This time it was done by Erzhan and his gang of bullies. Elena was standing by his side, holding his hand. Her little sister Zuhra came to Elena, poked Elena’s hand, and tried to stand up for me. “Please, Elena, don’t do this in front of Alisher. He’s already suffering too much from these assholes! Help him! Why are you even dating this bully?” Elena slightly pushed her aside, ignored her warnings, and continued to be with Erzhan while kissing his cheek. Erzhan laughed, widened his grin, came to me, and said, “You really think your smarts and kindness can get a girl? Well, never forget your place, Chamyr trash!”
Erzhan grabbed me by my neck and slammed me against the wall, blasting the air from my lungs. He grabbed and squeezed my jaw so hard something popped.
“Elena is fucking my girl, not yours, and she will be sucking my dick tonight, not yours!”
Then he had beaten my head against the wall causing stars to pop in my vision.
He called the other guys, “Bros, remove that Chamyr, Elite Tribes strong!” I fell on the ground, unable to defend myself or get up. The gang members laughed and said, “Let’s beat this loser’s ass!”
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. They kicked me, and all I could do was to curl up into the fetal position and protect my head and neck. Each kick in my chest or my back put another nail in the coffin for my image in Elena’s eyes.
Even after all these years, I never knew what she saw in that Ja
nbek tribesman, the man who was openly supremacist against me, despite saying she was against this supremacy. Essentially, she was just prostituting her values for a relationship with a Janbek tribesman. Perhaps she wasn’t any different from the other whores in my school and in my country who betrayed themselves just to party and date alpha males from the Three Elite Tribes.
Kambar chuckled, “He can’t do nothing, let’s go!” And he slammed a chair in my head.
My ears rang, and the metallic taste of blood filled my mouth. Tears mixed with the pool of blood under my face as they left me with my shame, pain, and hopelessness. I turned onto my side and found Elena hugging and kissing Erzhan with the gang clapping, cheering, and chanting gibberish at me. After that, I passed out.
The very next thing I saw was the sterile walls of the Intensive Care Unit. Some good people who treated me with kindness must have called the ambulance then. I am not dead yet. But I couldn’t see anybody in the hospital room. I didn’t want to see anybody else. I wanted to have a rest from everyone who betrayed me or let me down. I needed peace, be it through sleep, self-reflection in solitude, or death.
On the other hand, when I look back at this time, I am glad that I only saw them dating for two months before our graduation. I could not bear watching them fuck, take couple of photos, gifting each other, and getting engaged. That was too much for my already-damaged heart. Before, she seemed genuinely interested in me. After she started dating Erzhan, her tone and gestures around me clearly sounded that she was faking her “compassion” and “kindness” for me, but secretly she was either hating me or didn’t want to talk to me because I was depressed. I barely believe her claims that she cares about me anymore. She broke so many promises that I she essentially became my proxy enemy. And I always loved to watch my enemies suffer, too bad it rarely happened back then.
At these moments of these two kissing, I saw a bloody scene in my head. I chopped Erzhan’s head off. Then, I chained Elena to a tree and spilled Erzhan’s blood over her. Witnessing her weep over her boyfriend’s execution at my arms, I stripped Elena naked, whipping her with iron rods until she passed out. I grabbed my knife and decapitated her as well. In the end, I proudly sent their skulls to the school to warn others about not giving me reasons to retaliate. At least she would no longer play with my feelings and see me as her puppet! And as soon as I was satisfied with carrying out and witnessing such a revenge, this fantasy got interrupted by realizing that it was sadly just a fantasy, not a reality where I was constantly humiliated.
Despite every reason I have to hate Elena, I still love her, which is my biggest weakness to this day. She offered her first hugs to me and any sign of empathy towards me from women. She made me realize that there are indeed girls out there who are not judging me for who I am, rather appreciating my personal qualities. For the first time I felt support through thick and thin from a generous girl. She was the first one to see my emotions and being vulnerable as a strength, not as a weakness. Nevertheless, I never wanted to see her again, nor did I want to see Erzhan.
I wished that I was a typical macho in Dalabistan like most guys my age were. I seemed to be completely different, and that very divergence is what has been killing me. All my life was dominated by rejections, cruelty, without much-requited love and understanding.
In my mind, I debated myself frequently. One side of me shouted with fury, “You should leave Elena because she never cared about you. If so, where the fuck was she when you needed her love?! The bridge is already burned. She already broke so many promises due to her having more important people to fuck with!” The other side told me in a soothing tone, “She is still the only girl who somewhat cares about you. She was there for you during your mental health crises and bullying at moments when nobody else, even your family, were there for you. You must keep her in your heart because it is not certain if and when you’ll even get a similar person ever again.” Then the cynical part of my brain screamed to Elena in my mind, “Why should I have you in my life? You are exploiting me, treating me as an inferior, rejecting me every day, breaking many promises. Why should I waste my nerves, my energy, and my best years on you?”
Right before graduating from school, I kept fantasizing about writing my suicide note to Elena and saying all my negative thoughts about her. I wanted to tell her that she never really cared about me in the hopes it would cause the same amount of pain she had caused.
Before we parted ways from school, I told Elena I wanted to sever any ties we had between us. She told me with tears in her eyes, “I don’t want this to end. I want to stay here and to be there for you, with you. I love you.”
This hypocrisy in her eyes did not make any sense. If she really loved me, then she would not let her boyfriend beat the person she deeply loved nearly to death! I replied in my deep voice, “You can’t love two people at the same time.” Then I turned around and walked away. Humans, especially women, use clever language to justify their nonsense. I left for Dreamhouse University while she went to Oxford.
Still, I hoped that things would be much better. I was excited to leave Dalabistan and its toxic environment for the better one at Dreamhouse University. That’s where I met Bong Ju Kim, my future business partner. During freshman orientation, he showed unassuming kindness to me and great interest. He actually liked me for who I was, and we had endless conversations about love, science, politics, business, and soccer in the dorm.
He dated a loyal brunette Korean girl named Moonhee Kang. Bong Ju was damn lucky to have such a caring and loving girlfriend, and they shared perfect chemistry. They are still together after all these years.
I used to have a girlfriend like Moonhee, though. I still remember how I met Alessia Harvey in one of the classes. She was a short brown-haired girl from California. She always wore a ponytail that I found very cute. Alessia became the person I needed.
She was my confidant, a loving girlfriend that actually loved me back. She was the person I was able to connect with—a benediction after unrequited affection that made me believe in love again. I still had Elena in my heart because of her deep significance in my life. After all, Elena was the first girl my age to genuinely care about me on an emotional level and have interest in me as a person. However, Alessia helped me push thoughts of Elena away.
Before classes, we would exchange conversations and snack together. I could freely discuss a wide range of topics with her, from my past to common hobbies and university life. When I told her about my bullying, the first reaction from her was to hold me in her arms, kiss my lips, and softly say, “The way they treated you is just so immature. I personally admire you for your bravery and personal strength to persevere through all of these struggles.”
From time to time, she made my day through passionate hugs, kisses, quality time, and just exploring Dreamhouse and neighboring Los Angeles. I thought that Alessia would have my heart for many more years, maybe have a perfect future with her.
I was gravely wrong.
What happened later was a surprise to me. The scene shifts again. Instead of the warm streets of Los Angeles, I quickly arrive to a different scene: another Saturday study session. I came to her dorm room with our textbooks to prepare for the upcoming Statistics exam. When I opened her door, her desk is disorganized, overcrowded with wrappings, trash, and used tissues. I found her having sex with a cocky man named Tucker. They were together on her bed, kissing and hugging, with Tucker’s hands exploring all of her naked body. She seemed to enjoy it, moaning and shaking her legs in passionate convulsions.
Perhaps they did it even better than me. Why did I allow that to happen? That’s when my world fell apart for the second and the final time. No words could describe what I felt. When she saw me in the room, her face paled. I dropped her textbooks on the floor, slammed her door, and left. She really showed where I truly stand, and the textbooks’ sound pierced through my heart. Why did I allow myself to lose her as well? Why did she choose him instead of me after saying h
ow much she loved me? The person I felt connected with became dead that minute.
I ran away to go to my and Bong Ju’s room. That day love became something that inherently created pain, betrayal, abuse, ignoring, and lies. All those suppressed feelings for Elena came flooding back. The joy of first meeting her, spending quality time with her, and then the heart-wracking pain of her betrayal. She was always in my heart, and still nobody could replace her or even have a fraction of her affection.
For better or for worse, she was unreachable in England. Besides, I wasn’t sure what I would say if I ever spoke to her again.
That’s when I lost faith in my old self. Many girls said that being nice, faithful, and kind would make me their dream boyfriend. But when I approached the girls, they said that “You are too poor, ugly, and boring, but let’s just be friends,” and kept falling for alpha guys who mistreated them, raped them, and sent one of them straight to our university’s intensive care unit. Women frequently told me, “Don’t treat us like sex objects, bigot!” while judging my worth as a person on whether I could convince women to sleep with me. Women claimed that they rejected me “because some of them just weren’t compatible” with me. But I still got rejected every time. Did that mean that out of hundreds of women, not even one of them was “compatible” to me? That was simply an excuse that all women used against me because they didn’t want to feel bad about rejecting me because I was ugly. They just didn’t want to admit that deep down, they were all superficial and selfish creatures who were entirely out of touch with themselves and others. Women around me believed that I was not entitled to sex and relationship because they thought I was a subhuman from a shithole country with an ugly body. I should never forget this and wear these words as a badge of honor on my sword.
The Outcast Presidents Page 4