by Kim Karr
River: The way you looked walking out the door in those boots.
Dahlia: You’re in a meeting, why are you thinking about my boots?
River: Because I’m bored as hell and trust me, it’s not only the boots I’m thinking about.
Just as I’m about to text River back, telling him that I’d be happy to entertain him during his boredom, I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Dahlia, honey,” Grace says, standing over me, and I drop my phone in my purse before standing up to greet her.
Looking down into her face, I see she looks older, worn, even. Her natural glow seems to have dissipated. Her usually tidy blond hair is disheveled. Her blue eyes look dull and there are dark circles under them. The tranquility I usually feel when I see her just isn’t there. When I hug her, her body is shaking.
Clinging to her, I hope to calm her trembling. “Oh Grace,” is all I can manage before she pulls back. Her voice is shaky and I can see that this has really taken a toll on her. “Let’s sit down and talk.”
We both settle in at the small table draped in white linen and place our napkins on our laps. I don’t even know how to begin this conversation. But Grace, being true to form, leads the way.
“Dahlia, how are you holding up?”
I shrug my shoulders, “I’m okay.”
“I’m glad you called me.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner. I just needed some time.”
Grace looks at me for a few moments and then asks point-blank, “Aren’t you glad Ben’s alive?”
Taken aback, I stammer. That’s the one question I had yet to even ask myself. “God, of course I am.” Because it’s true, of course I’m glad he’s alive and not dead. Who wouldn’t be?
Her next question comes rapidly and I try to remain calm. “Then is it because of the way we told you? I’m sorry for that, that was not how I wanted you to find out.”
“Grace, I’m not upset about how I learned that Ben’s really alive. I get that there was no easy way.”
“Then is it because of the attack? I am so grateful that you’re okay, but you have to know he had no idea you’d be in danger.”
“No, I was only upset that all of you knew and none of you told me who attacked me.”
“Dahlia, that was for your sake. I wanted to be there when flashes of Ben’s death would inevitably come flooding back to you. Hearing the news that Ben’s shooter was released was so upsetting, but then learning it was him that attacked you would have been overwhelming. I just wanted to be with you, to tell you myself.”
“Grace, I’m stronger now. I’m not that same girl you gave the necklace to—the girl who needed to hold on to the past. I don’t like things to be hidden from me; it wasn’t your decision to make to withhold that information. But honestly, all of that has nothing to do with Ben.”
“I thought I was doing what was best for you.”
“I know that. And Grace, I’m not upset at you for it anymore.”
“So I’m confused, Dahlia. Why won’t you forgive him? Talk to him again?”
Before I can answer, the waiter approaches our table and I order an extra dirty martini and Grace orders a sparkling water. When he leaves I pick up where we left off. “The word forgive means something different to each of us and we each chose whether we can do it or not. I did hear him out and once he started to explain everything it only made me angrier. I just don’t think talking to him again will change anything. It won’t make me forget what I went through—or help me forgive him. It would be like saying I’m okay with what I went through because of him and I’m not okay with that. I don’t know if I ever will be.”
Leaning closer, she squeezes my hand. “I’m not sure about that, Dahlia. I think if you just calmly sit down with him and really listen, you could try to understand why he left. He left to protect you—and if you can understand that, you’d be able to forgive him.”
“I’m sorry, but I’ve really had enough with everyone always wanting to protect me. And how is causing me so much pain and suffering protecting me? Grace, I’m not mad at the fact that he didn’t actually die. I just can’t forgive the act itself—pretending to die.”
Grace reacts more dramatically than I would ever have expected. “Dahlia, you just have to get past this wall you’ve put up and let him in. Forgive him. He gave up a lot for you! Surfing and now his life.”
As I stare at her, trying to understand where this conversation is headed, the waiter brings us our drinks and without even glancing at our menus, we both order a salad. Taking a large sip from my glass, I set it down and prepare to tell her what she doesn’t want to hear.
“His reasons, what he did, why he did it—they don’t change the impact his death had on not just me, but all of us. We all felt the pain and mourned for him in our own way for a long time. And it was his choice, his choice to leave, his choice to keep evidence. Don’t you get it—he made a choice. You may have been able to forgive him for all that and that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean I can.”
Rubbing her hands together she says, “I do get it but choices aren’t always that easy, Dahlia. Ben suffered, too. In fact, he’s still suffering.”
Suddenly, it’s like all of the emotional turmoil I’ve experience these last few days comes rushing back. Setting my glass down, I have to tell her, “Danger, protection, disappearing—Grace, it’s just insane, the whole thing.”
Our salads arrive and we both push our forks around, without really eating or talking.
Without warning, she drops her fork and focuses on me. “Dahlia, will you please forgive him? For me? He has a whole life to rebuild and he really wants you in it.”
Exasperation takes hold of me and I have to tell her, “I am not getting back together with him. You can’t possibly think that.”
“No, I’d never ask you to do that. I know you’re happy. Just hear him out. He needs your forgiveness in order to be able to move on, move away from these sad past few years. And Dahlia, before anything else you were friends. Can’t you get back to that?”
I shake my head no. “What he needs? What about what I needed? What about the life I led?”
She stares at me for a long while before standing up and coming to crouch beside me. She holds both my hands and when she finally speaks, it doesn’t sound like her voice at all. It’s small and full of pain. “Dahlia, I think of you as my daughter. You know that. And it’s for this reason I feel you need to take a step back and look at what you’re doing. You need to face the situation. Not only have you been through a lot, but so has he. I think talking to him will help you move past your anger and maybe even help toward rebuilding your friendship.”
Standing up, I toss my napkin on the table and grab my purse. “Grace, I’m not ready to forgive him. There is nothing he can do to take back what I went through because of his decisions. My anger is justified and I don’t know if I’ll ever get past it.”
She makes one last plea, “Dahlia, you owe him at least forgiveness.”
“I don’t owe him anything.”
With that, I have to leave the restaurant before I lose my composure. I try to take deep calming breaths. I reach my car and want to scream when I see the folded piece of paper on my windshield. I take his remember-me item and without even opening it, rip it into pieces and let it fall to the ground. Finally, all the emotion and events of the past days paralyze me as I’m getting into the car. I put my hands on the roof, taking short quick breaths, trying to pump the air back into my lungs. I think about what Grace asked me—and even though I would do almost anything for her, I can’t do it. I can’t look at the situation through rose-colored glasses like she always does.
Chapter 13
Come Undone
Ben’s Journal
When Mom told me she was meeting Dahlia for lunch, I figured it was a perfect opportunity to leave Dahlia one of my notes. But when Mom came home later clearly upset, I had to wonder if that was why. Since she didn’t mention the note, I can only guess it wasn’t but that
their lunch didn’t go well. She and Dahlia have always had a great relationship and the last thing I want is for their connection to suffer because of me.
I’ve never had that kind of relationship until I went to New York City and I was lucky enough to make friends with the head of the English Department at NYU. George took me under his wing and we quickly became friends. We’d go out for a beer or two after swimming laps and we’d discuss life in general, sports, and even his divorce, but I never told him about my life here—I’m wondering if I should have? I could really use him right now.
I’ve decided to take Dahlia up on her offer and plan to move back into our house. I need to help relieve the stress mom is feeling. When Serena gave me the note Dahlia left her that said, “Give these to Ben, the house is his,” I was surprised. I thought she would respond to my note, but she ignored it and sent that instead.
Trying really hard to find a reason not to drown myself in a bottle of Jack, I started to move my things back into our house. Well, my house now.
What the fuck am I going to do? I have no life left here—no job and definitely not my girl. I’ve tried to call her numerous times and she won’t answer my calls. I’m beginning to wonder if she’ll ever talk to me again. I thought I would be able to break through to her, but she seems determined not to talk to me. I really just want some time alone with her, to explain further. No, I really just want her back.
Caleb is also pissed as hell at me right now. When I went back to our house, it was still there—the old key holder. I knew she’d never get rid of it. I took it off the wall and pulled the cap off the end. The data chip was still there. I didn’t want any of that information anymore, so I called Caleb and gave it to him to take to the agency. He told me he just fucking knew I kept shit. He reamed me, asking me if I had any idea the danger I had put Dahlia in. Honestly at the time, I really didn’t. I wanted her to have it in case. In case of what?—I don’t even know anymore.
Chapter 14
Madness
It was one of the most perfect fall days. The weather wasn’t too hot or too cold and the breeze was just enough to keep me cool. I had my windows down on the drive from Laguna Beach to LA and hoped that the scene with Grace at the restaurant wasn’t as bad as I thought.
I had sat in the parking lot for over an hour before I left. I wanted to make sure my judgment wasn’t clouded from my one drink. But all I kept thinking was five minutes, just five minutes, was all it had taken to put a tear in an almost perfect relationship.
The whole drive home I listened to the song “Into the Nothing” on repeat and went over our conversation in my mind. I loved her and would never want to hurt her, but I just couldn’t agree to her request that I forgive Ben for what he had done.
At six o’clock I finally pull into the driveway and I’m surprised everyone is still there. I tried to call River from the car, but it went straight to voice mail. The music playing as I open the door tells me immediately that Nix took control of the playlist because it’s his favorite song, “Radioactive.” The kitchen shows the remnants of a party—pizza boxes stacked on the stove, bags of chips on the table, and beer bottles lined up on the counter. River’s at the kitchen table with his hands fisted through his hair and Ellie sits next to him as they both look over a stack of papers. Xander’s outside pacing the deck while talking on the phone and the other band members are sacked out on the couch.
“Hey,” I call out when I walk through the door and hang my keys on the hook.
River looks up with a smile and pushes his chair back. Ellie turns, setting her beer bottle down, and I notice immediately she’s removed her suit jacket. Her very low-cut silk camisole displays her ample cleavage and I have to refrain from rolling my eyes.
“Cute boots,” she says, sounding like she means it. “Gucci?”
Looking down at my chunky-heeled tall black boots, I shrug my shoulders. I have no idea what brand they are but I’m sure they’re not Gucci. I’ve had them for years and don’t even remember where I bought them. “I’m not sure but thanks.”
“I have a similar pair but can never seem to get the outfit right when I try to wear them.”
Setting down my purse, I smile at her. “Really, I just throw them on with everything.”
Her phone rings and she motions toward the living room. “Excuse me a minute.”
River nods and stands up, his gaze locking on mine as he strides toward me and mouths, “Missed you.”
Smiling at him, I take a deep breath and try to push my argument with Grace from my thoughts.
His gaze travels up and down my body before settling on my face. Then his lips are on mine and his arms circle my waist and I feel better already. “You were gone a long time. Everything go okay?”
I can smell the alcohol on his breath and know he’s been drinking. “Yeah, it was fine.” I really don’t want to discuss what happened with Grace in front of Ellie.
Pulling back, he outstretches his arms and leaves his hands on my hips. “You sure?—because you don’t look like everything’s fine.”
I nod and lean against the counter.
“Want anything? There’s plenty of pizza left.”
“I think I’ll just have a beer.”
He grabs a glass for me and fills it with ice then opens the refrigerator to retrieve a bottle. Twisting the cap off he takes a swig and I watch the way his throat moves as the cool liquid goes down.
“Hey, that’s mine,” I tease.
Grinning, he pours the beer into the glass and hands it to me. “What, you don’t share?”
I smirk back and before I can answer his warm breath is on my skin. When his parted lips kiss my neck and his tongue teases my flesh, I grip my glass tighter and ask, “You’re working late. Are you almost done?”
Ellie responds for him. “Well, you know since he,” she says, pointing to River in case I don’t know who she means, “is so hard to pin down, I have to take advantage while I can.”
For some reason her tone bothers me, but I still shoot her a glad he could be of service smile. Then I tell River, “I’m really tired. I’m going to take these boots off and lay down for a bit.”
He presses a kiss to my cheek before sliding his tongue to my ear and whispering, “Wait for me and I’ll do that for you, just let me wrap this up.”
Ellie quickly interjects, “River, we’re not finished yet,” and I wonder how she could hear us over the music and why she was even listening.
But I’m not going to stick around and argue with her. Kissing River one more time, I head to our bedroom.
Moments later, I’m chewing some ice and standing at the window in front of my hope chest, just blankly staring at the Hollywood sign when I feel his hand at my waist. He swipes my hair to the side with his other hand. Closing my eyes, I lean into him. He moves his hands to my stomach and presses his body against mine. “What do you say we take off more than just the boots?”
I laugh. “Are you drunk?”
“Who, me? Why would I be drunk after I had to spend the day discussing the ins and outs of every stage at every stop? I still don’t get why Xander couldn’t have taken care of all that.”
I stretch my arms around his neck and tilt my head to the side. “Well, I think that would be because Ellie wanted you to help take care of it.”
He pulls me flush to him and I can feel his hard body against every part of me. “She doesn’t bother you, does she?”
“No, not really. Why would you think she bothers me?”
His fingers are inching inside the waistband of my jeans and his mouth moves up and down my neck. “I don’t know, because she bothers me,” he laughs and I join in.
His other hand untucks my shirt and then moves up to slip inside the lacy cup of my bra. His hand fits perfectly around my small breast. He murmurs against my ear, “Do you want to talk about your lunch with Grace now?”
“Not when you’re drunk, I don’t,” I say, angling my head so that his lips can find mine.
He gently bites down on my lower lip. A quiver of sensation washes through my body when his lips lock against mine. Turning around, I wrap my arms around his neck and look into his eyes, which are blurred with desire. “I thought we could talk later,” I purr as I slide my hand down the front of his jeans.
With the stereo on, the only other sound in the room is his low but unmistakable growl as he pushes me toward the bed. Falling on it, he hovers over me and I crawl back on my elbows and he follows on his palms, his knees sliding up the sheets. My hands glide up his flexing back and I relish the feel of each and every muscle. His mouth covers mine and we drink each other in.
Suddenly, the door opens. “Hey man, let’s make like Linda Lovelace and blow.”
We both look over and Garrett stands there with a shocked look on his face. “Shit, man, I didn’t know Dahlia was home.”
River and I look at each other, laughing uncontrollably and Garrett rushes to close the door, leaving it open a crack to say, “Nix is ready to go. How much longer do you need?”
River collapses next to me and throws his arm over his forehead. “Give me five minutes.”
I roll onto my side and rest my head on my hand. “Where are you going?”
“We’re going. Sorry I got distracted and forgot to mention it. Ellie wants to introduce the band to some of the setup crew and wants us to play a few songs for them, to ‘get them in the zone,’ as she put it. She’s arranged for all of us to meet at Smitten’s tonight. I guess she has a limo coming to pick us up.”
“Of course she does.”
“She does bother you,” he says, leaning over to kiss the bare spot on my stomach where my shirt has lifted.
“Well, it’s more like her giant boobs bother me.”
He laughs and looks up at me. “Didn’t really notice her boobs,” he says, pulling my shirt up the rest of the way, exposing my bra. He runs his tongue up my stomach to my chest and once he lifts my bra he says, “I only notice yours.” He nips my shoulder before locking his mouth around my nipple. With a quick flick of his tongue, he licks me and it instantly hardens.