To Leanora
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
The bad Karma Diaries
About the Author
Copyright
NEW YEAR’S DAY
Yesterday we dismantled our blog – or at least we cut it loose and sent it adrift into cyberspace, because apparently old blogs never die or disappear, they just circulate the web forever with nobody reading them (… that’s making me think about infinity, which is making my head ACHE). Our blog was … what was it? The public face of this diary? The diary’s bad sister? Anyway, they were linked; I started them at (nearly) the same time and they were both really demanding. You can’t write ‘Did nothing today’ in your diary ’cause it would make you feel like a boring person, and you DEFINITELY can’t post that on your blog because your readers would be really unimpressed … but keeping myself not-bored and my readers impressed is what made this term incredibly exciting, but also exhausting. If I hadn’t had to keep feeding the diary and the blog, well, half the things that happened this term mightn’t have happened … I’m GLAD they happened, but now I want to step back a bit and let Karma settle!
O’Toole (our English teacher) says you have to know when to end – whatever it is you’re writing, you should know when its moment is up. So sorry, diary, but your moment is up! It’s the first of January and a new term will be starting soon, so now is the time to cut you loose … yes, I KNOW you want to know what happened last night at Keith’s party, but if I start writing entries again, well, soon I’ll be caught in more adventures and there’ll be no cut-off point. For instance, last term I couldn’t have stopped writing just when we set up the Instruments of Karma (to do nasty things to people who deserve it), or when I was fighting with Anna, or when I found out about Justine … because I was in the MIDDLE of all those things and I needed to see them through. You can’t just stop writing about things when they’re still going on. So since now we’re on a break and nothing much is going on (except at Keith’s party, when we … ha! No way!) …
It’s goodbye (for now), diary, and you won’t drift in cyberspace forever; you’ll sit at the back of the drawer, and if you don’t get thrown out, or lost, or burnt – yes, there’s that risk, you’re only paper! – then some day some lucky person will get to read all about Bomb and Demise and what happened when they set out on their marvellous adventures at the beginning of Second Year …
Denise Nelson (and Anna Power)
The Bad Karma Diaries
7 September-31 December
R.I.P.
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 7TH
Today is the first day of school, so here are my New Term Resolutions. Me and Anna (my best friend) don’t do New Year Resolutions because what’s called the New Year – 1 January – doesn’t feel like the new year, it feels like the middle of the year. The new year is when you go back to school and you’ve moved up a year. So here are my New Term Resolutions:
Study harder
Eat healthy food
Take up a sport
Keep this diary
Do some exciting stuff to put on our blog (mine and Anna’s) – Urgent!!!
Check out the new people in the class
I will explain about the blog tomorrow. I already started on the last resolution. The only interesting thing about the first day of term is the new people in your class. Because you never know – they might be the best fun, or they might be mad and crazy, or they just might fall in love with you. So anyway, we have a new boy and a new girl. The girl is called Heeun. She is from Korea and she looks stylish, or posh, or snobbish – not sure which! Well, she looks like when she’s out of her uniform, she’ll wear very expensive clothes with designer labels. She is quite pretty. I think some of the boys are going to fancy her.
The new boy is called David Leydon. He has long hair and is very scruffy. Even though he is in a uniform same as everyone else he looks much scruffier. I don’t think he talked to anyone all day. He looked fed-up and rebellious, but he’s not exactly good-looking – he has spots – so it’s hard to know if the girls are going to fancy him.
TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 8TH
Went to Anna’s house after school. In her kitchen when we came in were her mum and Charlie (her baby brother) and then Tommy (her older brother) came in, and then Renata (her older sister) came in with Alva (a friend of Renata’s). You can never predict who’s going to be in Anna’s, that’s why it’s exciting.
Once I said this to Anna and she said kind of sarcastically, ‘Yeah, I know, what numbers are coming up today? It’s like the Lotto.’
So now every time we reach her front door, I say, ‘What are the Lotto numbers today?’
Her mum asked how was the diary coming on because the diary was her idea. She is a sighchiatrist (yes, I know this is not the right spelling, but it is Renata’s joke; she says her mum’s patients are always sighing about their problems). Anyway, being a psychiatrist (there!) makes Anna’s mum very interested in everything we’re doing, I think.
When we were sitting round last week talking about what we were gonna put on our blog, she said, ‘But if it’s online, everyone can read it?’ and we said, ‘Well of course,’ and then she said, ‘But you need somewhere to confide your private thoughts.’
She said a diary was important for processing whatever was on our minds. As soon as she said ‘processing’, Renata snorted and shot up from her book, ‘Processing? You want to turn their thoughts into Easi Singles?’
Her mum said, ‘Oh, Renata!’
Anna and I exchanged a look. In Anna’s kitchen Renata is always reading a book and making like she’s not listening but then she’ll suddenly shoot into the conversation with some remark that you can’t (well I can’t) understand. And her mum always says, ‘Oh, Renata!’ in a warning voice, but also in a kind of delighted voice. You can tell she thinks the remark is brilliant, really. Me and Anna call it Renata’s Snort, Swivel, Swat routine. It goes like this
1. Snort
2. Look up from book
3. Swivel eyes in our direction
4. Nasty/incomprehensible remark (that’s the Swat – she swats us like flies)
5. ‘Oh, Renata!’
6. Back down to book
They didn’t ask me to stay for dinner so I had to come home. Fishfingers and chips and peas. Boring! Unhealthy! At Anna’s they were having Rat-a-too-ee. At least that is what it sounds like. Exciting! Probably healthy! It is going to be easier for Anna to keep her New Term Resolution to eat healthy food than it is for me. I told my mum about my resolution and that she needed to help by not serving fishfingers and chips (peas are okay).
She said, ‘Well, make your own then!’ in a snappy way.
I noticed that Justine (my younger sister) was not really eating her chips either. Maybe we will go on strike together against Mum’s unhealthy cooking!
WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 9TH
Just got text from Anna:
demise, don’t forget rules for oaths
That was easy, so I texted right back:
Thanks, bomb, in the bag, how’s trials?
Response:
Inside on vast, feel eat and pick, on brain, can’t study…
Whaaaatttt …? Couldn’t work that one out. Had to unscramble. Then I texted back:
Greedy any!
This is in our top secret texting language! What we actually wrote is:
Denise, don’t forget ruler for maths
Thanks, Anna, in the bag, how’s tricks?
Gorged on tart, feel fat and sick, no brain, can’t study…
Greedy cow!
OK, so our top-secret texting language is not so hard to work out … Clue: our names, Denise and Anna, come out as ‘Dem
ise’ and ‘Bomb’. In fact our names coming out like that is what got us started because they don’t just sound funny, they belong together, because bombs cause demises.
Anna always says, ‘When I explode, you die, so I’m the boss of you!’
The rule is you have to use the first word that predictive texting throws up. This means we’re always looking for odd words, because normal words like ‘thanks’ and ‘can’t’ and ‘feel’ just come up as themselves. Of course Anna wouldn’t normally write ‘gorged on tart’, she’d write ‘ate too much cake’, but that wouldn’t come out too interesting. You have to find another way to say it.
Well, now I’m gonna go and do my oaths homework! Ha ha ha!
THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 10TH
Caroline Hunter has a baby picture of herself up on Facebook that looks like she slept in curlers and is entering a baby beauty pageant. Half the girls in our class have baby pictures of themselves up on Facebook, but it is against mine and Anna’s rules. We think it’s too cute-sy. It doesn’t matter how much of a joke you try to make out of it, at some level you’re saying, ‘Look how adorable I was – love me!’ Our rule for our blog is no baby photos or sexy poses – both those are try-hard – only photos of us doing silly stuff.
Oh, I’d better explain about our blog. We are going to have the usual things like Favourite Colour (Me: Blue; Anna: Orange) and Favourite Book (Me: His Dark Materials; Anna: Crime and Punishment). Crime and Punishment is a big book with small writing and foreign names. I gave up reading it after three pages but Anna has very grown-up taste in books because of coming from a family of intellectuals. She is not intellectual herself – her marks are worse than mine – but she is under the influence of intellectuals like I am under the influence of telly. At Anna’s house there is no telly!
When I found that out I said, ‘But your Dad’s on telly!’
Her whole family laughed though I was not trying to be funny. I just thought someone on telly must have a telly. Her Dad is an economist – he doesn’t have a show on telly, but sometimes he makes documentaries and sometimes he is on the news, talking about economical things and waving his hand at those money charts which go up and down like hills and valleys. Especially recently he’s on the telly because everyone is talking about the recession and they need experts like him to say why it happened and how we can end it.
Sometimes my mum calls me, saying, ‘Anna’s dad is on the telly’.
I think she hopes I will learn something, but, sorry, it’s impossible to know what he’s on about.
Anyway, back to our blog; we want to put our marvellous adventures up on it to set us apart from all the other teenage bloggers. But we haven’t had any marvellous adventures yet. So we were round at Anna’s today trying to think of ideas. The Lotto numbers today were her mum and Charlie and Renata. Renata is at college now but obviously nobody at college has to work too hard because it seems like she spends all day sitting round the kitchen and all night going out. We cleared a space at the kitchen table to make our list. The kitchen table is also quite like the Lotto numbers because you never know what’s going to be on it. There could be books or make-up from Renata, or sports clothes from Tommy (sweaty sports clothes!! Ugh!), or Anna’s homework (she does have a desk in her room but she doesn’t like working in her room, she says it’s lonely) and there are always a few of Charlie’s toys and his abandoned plastic plates of squashed banana. The whole house is like that: chaos. My mother wouldn’t allow it, but then there are only four people in our house and none of them are sweaty boys. But I feel relaxed in Anna’s house because if I broke something or spilled juice, nobody would even notice.
Anyway, Anna wrote down two ideas for our blog:
1) Start a business.
(I said, what business? She said that’s what we had to work out.)
2) Do something to raise money for charity.
(Anna has a good social conscience. It is part of coming under the influence of intellectuals, I think).
I wasn’t sure about these ideas. I said they sounded like work, and what our parents do, not like a blog.
Anna said, ‘Well what are your ideas then?’ (quite rudely).
I said I had two ideas too:
1) We could go bungee jumping.
2) We could swim with dolphins.
That’s when Renata did her Snort, Swivel, Swat routine:
‘Who wants to read about you two flapping round, trying pathetically to commune with nature? I thought you wanted original ideas. Do you know how many accounts there are of swimming with dolphins on the net? About a million. Do you know how many interesting accounts there are of swimming with dolphins on the net? Nil. Nada. And as for bungee jumping … unless the rope snaps, we’re just not interested.’
We just gazed at her, and waited––
‘Oh, Renata!’ said her mum.
Anna said, ‘You think of something then!’ and pushed her lip out the way she does when she’s angry.
Renata said, ‘Well, let’s see. Bullying? Vandalising? Shoplifting? That’s all people want to read from teenagers.’
Her mum: ‘Renata!’ – not in an Oh, Renata! voice this time, in a really cross voice. Renata went back down to her book.
Her mum said, ‘Would you two take Charlie out to the garden? He needs fresh air.’
Charlie is the cutest baby in the world. He is very smart. He says ‘Actually’ a lot, which makes him sound grown-up though he is only two: ‘Actually, I don’t like apples.’
FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 11TH
I don’t think the boys are fancying Heeun. You can normally tell when they fancy the new girl because they just keep going up to her. One of them will come up and tell her something and then another will come up to show her something and then another will come up to invite her to something. It’s like the action of a magnet that we studied in science. But Heeun is like the negative bit of the magnet. No boys are coming up to her. She is repelling them. I am surprised because she is definitely pretty. But then I’ve noticed before that who the girls think is pretty is not always who the boys think is pretty. The boys’ taste always infects the girls though. The first day of school Caroline Hunter was saying how pretty Heeun was and smarmy-ing up to her; now she’s backing off because it’s looking like Heeun is not going to be one of the popular ones. It’s impossible to be very popular if the boys don’t fancy you.
In case you are wondering if me and Anna are popular, then yes we are, but not like that – I mean not envy-able popular. The boys don’t automatically fancy us, and the girls don’t want to be us, but they all like us (I think!). Actually, Anna has a boyfriend. It’s just that she never sees him. Well it’s Carl, who’s in our class, so she sees him (every day in fact) but she never spends any time with him. They have been going out since the end of last term. But you wouldn’t know it. In the summer we hung out with him and his friends a bit. But since we’re back at school, nothing – they hardly even talk. But if you asked her, she’d say yeah, she’s going out with Carl, but she’d say it in a completely uninterested voice. She is definitely not crazy about him. She isn’t even pathological about him. She isn’t even neurotic about him. She isn’t even hung up on him.
It’s not surprising. He is a total dud. His school trousers are slightly too short for his legs so you can see his ankles when he walks. It gives me a shivery, dreadful feeling every time I catch sight of those bony ankles. I can’t see how Anna could have kissed him, but possibly neither can she seeing as how now she ignores him. But when there’s a kissing opportunity, like at a party, she does use him for that still.
I think it’s that she’s a very practical person and she doesn’t like wasting time or opportunities, so she will use him for kissing till she replaces him.
This makes her sound ruthless, but she’s not like an Exploiter. I mean he seems quite happy with the situation.
I am not that practical – there are not too many boys I want to kiss, and the ones I do want to kiss I am nervous about approac
hing, and if I did actually kiss them, I would probably become hung up-neurotic-pathological-crazy about them all at once and would never be able to set up such a slick/ruthless/convenient arrangement as Anna’s.
I have kissed boys – well, I kissed one, in Irish College. Which counts, I guess, but it only just counts because it is part of the rules of Irish College that you learn to kiss. It’s Rule 4 and it comes after Rule 3, Learn how to use the Genitive Case … So because it’s part of the rules, well, you just grab the nearest male. I can hardly remember the name of the guy I kissed. Well, okay, he was called Mark. But I can’t remember anything else about him. Well, okay, his tongue went frantic looking for something in my mouth. So, okay, I can remember the kiss, but not him specifically …
We haven’t come up with anything for our blog yet. Maybe Renata is right – I am imagining a different me and Anna who bully and shoplift and vandalise. We could call ourselves Bomb and Demise and wear black all the time. I wonder if David Leydon has ever shoplifted? I think when he is not in his uniform he probably wears black.
Steak for dinner. Quite healthy. Justine was not eating much of hers so I ate it. Justine is a year younger than me, she is twelve.
The reason I have hardly mentioned her before is that she is deeply boring. She is as boring as my parents. Sorry. That sounds very mean. But Anna’s mum said we had to admit everything to our diary, all our innermost thoughts, even the bad ones. When we were little me and Justine played together a lot but that was because: a) I didn’t know how boring my house was then, and b) when she was little she was cute. It is only recently she has become deeply boring. She is quiet as a mouse in the house. You wouldn’t even know she’s around most of the time.
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 14TH
Anna has had an idea for our blog. It is an idea based on her original idea – to start a business. Our business is going to be to organise children’s birthday parties. People will hire us to arrange party games and keep hordes of children amused for three hours. Anna had this idea because her neighbour asked her to help out with her six year old’s birthday. So Anna did pass the parcel and pin the tail on the donkey and musical bumps and organised the singing of Happy Birthday. She was very good at it, she says, and stopped the Girl Who Lost Musical Bumps from crying, and then cheated a bit to make sure the Birthday Boy won pass the parcel. Afterwards the neighbour gave her €25 and big thanks and this gave Anna the idea to make it a business, not just a one-off.
The Bad Karma Diaries Page 1