I do however have one minor criticism. Why do you refer to your tripe as an 'animal derivative' on the label? Tripe is offal, nothing more, nothing less, and to call it anything else is to pretend that it is something it isn't. There is nothing wrong with offal, believe me, I've eaten tons of it, and I shall be eating even more tons of it if you keep up the standard of your wonderful Butcher's Tripe Mix. A question though. Why is there a picture of a dog on the label?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
BUTCHER’S PET CARE
11 April
Mr Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your letter congratulating us on our Butcher's Tripe Mix product.
We receive many similar letters from satisfied owners writing to us on behalf of their dog. Yours is the first letter we have had from a human consumer.
The Feeding Stuffs Regulations 1995 require us by law to describe tripe on the label under the heading meat and animal derivatives. The term offal is not permitted although as you point out it is nothing to be ashamed of.
Please remember Butcher's Tripe Mix is a complementary food and to keep your nose wet and coat in tip top condition you must eat it mixed with an equal quantity of reputable mixer meal.
Please find enclosed £5 worth of vouchers towards your future purchases.
Yours sincerely
Ian Cresswell
Technical Manager
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
28th April
Ian Cresswell
Butcher's Ltd
Crick
Northants
Dear Ian Cresswell
Thank you for your letter of 24th April, and the vouchers, which I passed on to the needy.
It would appear that I have made a mistake and that Butcher's Tripe Mix is a dog food! Perhaps it is understandable though, I mean on boxes of Kellogg's Frosties there's a picture of a tiger but it would be a fool who claimed that tigers eat cornflakes, as I am sure you will agree.
Getting back to the point, your letter arrived too late to have any influence on a meal which I recently put on chez Ravenscroft for a potential client. However I doubt that it would have made any difference to the menu I had decided on, even if it had arrived before my client. In the event he said that the Tripes Provencal, made with your Butcher's Tripe Mix as the basis, was quite superb, and he couldn't believe that most of it had come out of a can. In fact when I showed him the can to prove it he was quite speechless. If I don't get a big order out of him I will be very surprised, although up to now he has been out of the office every time I've tried to contact him. I must say that I enjoyed your little joke about keeping my nose wet and my coat in tip top
condition. Very funny!
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
4th April
The Jacob's Bakery Ltd
P.O.Box 1
Long Lane
Liverpool
Dear Jacob's Bakery
I am writing to you in my official capacity as secretary of the New Mills Invalids Club. This year marks the 25th anniversary of the club, and we mean to celebrate the occasion in some style, whilst at the same time giving club funds a much needed boost. To achieve this we intend to manufacture and sell to the general public a chocolate biscuit. We are confident that we have the expertise to accomplish this as four of our members used to work for the local sweet and confectionery factory - in fact it was because they worked at the local sweet and confectionery factory that they became invalids, having caught various parts of their anatomy in the machinery, but that's another matter.
Here is where you come in. I have long been a fan of your Jacob's Club biscuits, as have many of my fellow members, and to this end we would like to 'cash in' on your esteemed name by calling our biscuit a 'Jacob's Club Foot' biscuit. This would at once inform the public that it is a quality product, and also that it supports invalids. Can I have you permission, please?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
JACOB’S
17th April
Mr Ravenscroft
Secretary: New Mills Invalids Club.
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your letter of 4th April requesting consent to bring out a chocolate covered biscuit called "Club Foot" in connection with your society's forthcoming anniversary.
We have no objections to the proposals in your letter and hope it proves to a successful fund raiser. Our agreement is given on the understanding that you restrict sales to local fundraising events for a limited period and no mention of The Jacob's Bakery Limited is made on the packaging etc.
Yours sincerely
Gary Brookes
Legal and Finance Department
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
28th April
Gary Brookes
Legal & Finance Dept
The Jacob's Bakery Ltd
P.O.Box 1
Long Lane
Liverpool
Dear Gary Brookes
Thank you for your letter of 17th April.
The New Mills Invalids Club will be forever in your debt. I take note of your request that we do not mention The Jacob's Bakery Limited on our package. In fact I have gone one better, and have made absolutely sure that people will be under no illusions that our biscuits have anything to do with The Jacob's Bakery, as you will see from a perusal of a facsimile of our wrapper, below. It was designed by our Mr Hargreaves, who has one arm and an NVQ in graphic design, and I am
sure you will agree he has made an excellent job of it.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
JACOB’S
9th May
Mr Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your letter of 28th April. As mentioned previously in my letter of 17th April, I would prefer it if no mention was made of The Jacob's Bakery Limited on the packaging.
Therefore, please could you remove from the packaging the statement "definitely nothing to do with The Jacob's Bakery Limited".
Yours sincerely
Gary Brookes
Legal & Finance Dept
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
12th May
Gary Brookes
Legal & Finance Dept
The Jacob's Bakery Ltd
P.O.Box 1
Long Lane
Liverpool
Dear Gary Brookes
Thank you for your letter of 20th April. Unfortunately it arrived too late for me to alter the wording on our 'Club Foot' wrapper, so we went ahead with it as it was.
Our anniversary was last Saturday and I am happy to report that it was an unqualified success, especially chocolate biscuit-wise. We made a total of 5000 biscuits and each and every one was sold. Not only that, the biscuits were enjoyed by all who bought them; in fact one man went so far as to say that our Club Foot biscuit was better than your Club biscuit, but I think he was just being nice to us, and anyway he isn't long out of the mental hospital and there are some who hold that he should never have been discharged.
I can report that the occasion was such a great success that we hope to make it an annual event. In closing, I and my fellow members would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts. (Except for Mr Beasley, who has recently had a heart transplant, so he would like to thank you from the bottom of somebody el
se's heart)
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
9 June
JACOB’S
9th June
Mr Ravenscroft
Secretary: New Mills Invalids Club.
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your letter of 12th May . I am glad that your product proved to be such a great success and I hope it raised a substantial amount of money for your society.
It is a shame that we did not receive a sample of your product to show to our R & D department! May I take this opportunity to wish you every success with your future fund-raising events.
Yours sincerely
Gary Brookes
Legal & Finance Dept
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
5th April
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Pepsico Restaurants International
32 Goldsworth Road
Woking
Dear Kentucky Fried Chicken
I am a mature student taking an Open University degree course in Food Technology. At the moment I am gathering data for my thesis, which will be entitled 'Chicken, its Use and Abuse'. I have yet to decide whether or not coating a chicken in a secret recipe before plunging it into hot oil qualifies it as ‘Abuse’ but as Kentucky Fried Chicken is universally popular I will probably include it in the 'Use' section of the thesis.
I would be grateful for your help, and what I would like to know from you is this:- does the term Kentucky Fried Chicken mean (a) that you obtain your chickens from Kentucky and then fry them, (b) that the chickens can come from anywhere but are fried in Kentucky, or (c) that there is a breed of chicken called Kentucky Chicken. Or is it perhaps a mixture of all three?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
CC-00772-AS
PEPSICO EUROPE
12th April
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
In reply to your letter dated 10 April. Please find enclosed a pamphlet detailing the history of KFC.
Colonel Sanders who began KFC was from Kentucky and so he called the product Kentucky Fried Chicken. The chicken used is sourced in the country of origin, i.e. if you buy KFC in England the raw product comes from the UK.
Once again, thanks for the interest you have shown in our brand.
Yours sincerely
Kerry Pinker
Customer Services
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
20th April
Your ref CC-00772-AS
Kerry Pinker
Pepsico Europe
32 Goldsworth Road
Woking
Dear Kerry Pinker
Thank you for your letter and the informative pamphlet, which should be most useful.
It was with no little surprise that I learned the chickens used by your company are just ordinary chickens from the country of origin. This is because since writing to you events have conspired which absolutely convinced me that they must be some special breed of chicken. Allow me to explain. As part of the research for my thesis I stood outside a Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet for a complete day, questioning your customers as they came out. (I didn't question why they went in!) One of the things I was trying to establish was what exactly a 'piece' of Kentucky Fried Chicken is. On collating the answers of over two hundred customers it transpired that a 'piece' is a portion of a chicken from the leg, thigh or breast of the bird, but more usually from the leg or thigh - indeed if the proportions of breast to leg and thigh pieces used by the outlet in my research was representative of your other outlets then you must be using chickens which have one breast and thirty six legs – or in other words a special breed of chicken. However you now inform me that this is not the case. It just goes to prove the old saying 'There are lies, damned lies and statistics'.
Thank you for your help. I don't suppose there's any chance of getting hold of a copy of Colonel Sanders' secret recipe, is there?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
NO REPLY!
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
24th March
Tesco Stores Ltd
Cheshunt
Dear Tesco
I have just finished a carton of your Healthy Eating Crème Fraiche D'isigny, and very nice it was too. In fact it was almost up to the standard of your regular Crème Fraiche D' Isigny, which I normally buy. Which brings me to the question: If your Healthy Eating Crème Fraiche D'Isigny is 'healthy eating' then, by definition, is your regular Crème Fraiche D'Isigny 'unhealthy eating'?
This is of no small concern to me because all things being equal I prefer your regular Crème Fraiche D'isigny - try dipping oven chips in it, absolutely gorgeous - but not at the expense of my health.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
TESCO
Our Ref: 453269
3 April
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your letter dated 24 March.
We are currently investigating this matter and will be contacting you again in the near future.
Thank you for taking the time to contact us.
Yours sincerely
For and on behalf of Tesco Stores Ltd
Glenn Pattison
Customer Services
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
23rd April
Your ref 453269
Glenn Pattison
Tesco
PO Box 73
Dundee
Dear Glenn Pattison
It is now over three weeks since you wrote to me. How are your investigations coming along? I must say that you are dragging your heels somewhat on this one, the Co-op were much quicker off the mark when I wrote to them about their lasagne. And they sent me a voucher.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
TESCO
Our Ref: 453269
29 April
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Dear Coca-Cola Page 4