by Jim Benton
Acknowledgments
1. Franny’s House
2. Franny Loses Face
3. Mom Knows Pest
4 Tube Head
5. Doggy See, Doggy Do
6 Happy Doomsday to You
7. That’s a Little Tough to Swallow
8. Igor, You da Bomb
9. Snot Something You Want to Do
10. Looking Up an Old Friend
11. Let’s Get the Sinus Behin’ Us
12. Your Stomach Is Bothering Me
13. I Think I Got Gum in My Hair. And Everywhere Else
14. But You Can Stop One with a Little Screwdriver
15. Channel Surfing
16. Against Gastronomical Odds
17. A Weapon of Mass Affection
For Griffin, Summer, Mary K, and all the other monsters I’ve met along the way
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Editors: Joanna Feliz and Kevin Lewis
Designer: Lucy Ruth Cummins
Art Director: Dan Potash
Production Editor: Katrina Groover
Managing Editor: Dorothy Gribbin
Production Manager: Chava Wolin
Associate Paperback Editor: Molly McGuire
CHAPTER ONE
FRANNY’S HOUSE
The Stein family lived in the pretty pink house with lovely purple shutters down at the end of Daffodil Street. Everything about the house was bright and cheery. Everything, that is, except the upstairs bedroom with the tiny round window.
Behind this window was Franny’s room, which was also her laboratory.
Even for a mad scientist, Franny’s lab was unusual. Her experiments and inventions were far beyond those of your average, everyday mad scientist.
In fact Franny’s work was so complicated that she found she could not do it alone. She had a lab assistant named Igor.
Well, he wasn’t a pure lab. He was also part poodle, part Chihuahua, part beagle, part spaniel, part shepherd, and possibly part some kind of weasly thing that probably wasn’t even a dog.
Franny had been through a lot with Igor, and he had learned a great deal about mad science working with Franny in her laboratory.
But Igor was still awfully young and Franny was still nervous about letting him work on any of the more dangerous projects.
CHAPTER TWO
FRANNY LOSES FACE
Franny remembered the time that she was working on a device that would make bite-size jelly doughnuts with the press of a button, but Igor got the dimensions wrong and she wound up filling the entire school with jelly.
Then there was that time Franny was trying to create a beautiful new kind of striped flower by adding the DNA from a tiger to an ordinary houseplant. But Igor read the plans wrong and the two of them were nearly eaten by a bouquet.
And she could never forget when she invented the Automatic Face Scrubber. Igor changed one of the settings and it pulled Franny’s face right off.
Luckily Franny was pretty good at emergency surgery and managed to get her face reattached without too much trouble.
Igor could be a real pest sometimes, and Franny’s upcoming project was going to be so dangerous that she just could not risk Igor messing things up.
Franny knew that there were people who handled pests every day; pests like scorpions, termites, and the very worst of all:
her brother.
CHAPTER THREE
MOM KNOWS PEST
Franny could sneak a rabid warthog into the house without anybody hearing it.
She could raise a family of electric eels in the toilet without ever getting shocked.
She could even make a cloned T. rex ride a unicycle.
But she could not handle her brother, Freddy.
Franny noticed that Freddy never really bothered her mom.
She could cook, and read, and change the oil in the car, and Freddy never seemed to be in her way.
Franny just knew that if she tried to do any of those things, both Freddy and Igor would bug her like crazy.
Franny wondered what sort of brilliant methods her mom was using to restrain Freddy.
But Franny’s mom had used an even simpler, more effective, and more diabolical restraining device than Franny could ever have imagined. With just the press of a button, this gadget kept Freddy totally out of her way while she worked.
CHAPTER FOUR
TUBE HEAD
Franny’s mom pressed a button on the remote control and the television came on. Freddy stopped in mid-step and slumped down on the floor in front of it.
Franny was fascinated. Freddy was transfixed by the screen. “It’s like he’s hypnotized,” she said.
She waved her hand in front of his face and he did nothing.
Franny left and came back with a few things from her lab.
She waved a black widow spider, a vampire bat, and a cobra in front of his face, and still he did nothing but stare at the TV.
Franny began to grin. “This may be what I need,” she said. And after looking through a book about electronics, she assembled a TV and remote control for her dog.
Franny set up the new television in front of Igor. “I know that there’s nothing you like better than helping me with my work, Igor,” she said softly. “But give this a look and see if you might be willing to watch it once in a while when I need to work alone.”
Franny pressed the button on the remote control and the TV came on. Igor slumped down on the floor and stared at it.
She waved tarantulas, bones, and even a small monster she had recently made in front of Igor, and all he did was stare at the screen.
“Perfect,” said Franny. “This is perfect.”
CHAPTER FIVE
DOGGY SEE, DOGGY DO
Okay, maybe it wasn’t exactly perfect. The TV kept Igor occupied, but it seemed to have another strange effect on him.
If he saw a commercial for bubble gum, he’d start chewing some right away.
If he saw a show about boats, he’d pretend to be a sailor.
If he saw a movie about a king, he’d start behaving like one.
He wanted all the things he saw on TV, even if he had no idea why he would ever want them.
Once he saw a commercial for soda fifteen times in the same day and he drank so much that his burps kept Franny and everything else in the lab awake all night.
Franny knew that the TV was the real problem, but it kept Igor out of the way, so she decided to just make a No Burping rule, and let him keep watching it.
At least she’d let him watch it until she completed the Doomsday Device.
CHAPTER SIX
HAPPY DOOMSDAY TO YOU
Over the last year or so Franny had begun to realize that the things in her lab could do terrible things if they ever fell into the wrong hands.
She worried about some evil secret government department stealing her Permanent Wave Machine and threatening everybody on Earth with incredibly dumb-looking hairdos.
Or what if a cruel alien life-form got a hold of her design for the Piranha Trike? Piranha could overrun the world in no time.
And she imagined that an evil mad scientist could discover her plans for Remote-Control Underpants. With this technology he could give the entire world a gigantic mass wedgie.
So, in order to protect humanity from these and countless other creations, she completed her work on the Doomsday Device.
Even though it was not much bigger than a gumball, it was probably the single most powerful explosive ever created.
If it ever looked like her technology was about to fall into the wrong hands, Franny could set the timer on the device and blow up her lab, protecting the world from all of her inventions.
What would be left of the world, anyway.
CHAPTER SEV
EN
THAT’S A LITTLE TOUGH TO SWALLOW
Franny had put in a long day completing the Doomsday Device and she was sleeping very soundly, dreaming the kind of dream that mad scientists always seem to dream.
Suddenly Igor, who was in a terrible panic about something, shook Franny awake. He had drawn spaces hips shooting lasers and written the words “alien invasion” on a piece of paper. He waggled it at Franny and pointed frantically toward the sky.
Franny, still groggy, staggered to her feet and stumbled to the special safe where she kept the Doomsday Device.
“It’s a good thing I completed it in time,” she said. “I’ll just set it down here in case we need to use it.” She placed the device on the table and went to her telescope.
Franny scanned the sky. “I don’t see them yet,” she said. “I wonder if they’re planning some sort of a sneak attack.”
She looked over at Igor, who was sitting on a chair, watching TV, and snacking on grapes.
Her eyes narrowed. “Igor, you certainly look calm for somebody who is expecting an alien invasion.” Igor did not look up from the television.
Franny looked back up at the sky. There were no spaceships, no laser beams, and no aliens.
“Igor, where exactly did you see the aliens coming to invade the Earth?”
Igor pointed at the TV.
It was a movie about aliens invading Earth.
Franny was stunned for a moment. “A movie?” she said.
Igor looked up from the TV this time.
“You saw it in a movie?” Franny began to shout. “A movie?! Do you have any idea the danger you put us all in because you saw some people in rubber alien costumes? I was even getting ready to activate the Doomsday De—” Franny stopped yelling in mid-sentence.
She pointed at the table. “Where’s the Doomsday Device? I set it on the table, right there next to your plate of grapes.”
Igor shrugged his shoulders and tried to smile the kind of smile you smile when you know you’ve done something wrong, but you’re hoping that nobody can tell. Franny knew that smile. She had used it herself many times.
Franny grabbed Igor and set him down in front of her X-ray machine. She could see the Doomsday Device in his stomach.
“I knew it! You ate it! You couldn’t even take your eyes off the TV long enough to make sure that you were eating a grape and not a bomb!”
She quickly pulled her stethoscope from a drawer and listened to his stomach. She heard it ticking.
You activated it! You must have bitten down on the button and started the timer!
“I don’t know how to tell you this, exactly, Igor. But let’s just say that in less than an hour, it might be raining kibble all over the world.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
IGOR, YOU DA BOMB
Franny had to think fast. You really don’t have that many options when your dog swallows a horrifically devastating explosive and you only have sixty minutes to act. Ask anybody who’s been in that situation. They’ll tell you the same thing.
Franny made some notes and considered the various choices.
“There’s really only one conclusion.
I’m going in.”
CHAPTER NINE
SNOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO
Franny began putting on a special suit. “This will protect me from the various horrible juices inside a dog.”
Igor scowled.
“No hard feelings, Igor. But if you think you stink on the outside, take a whiff of one of your disgusting dog burps sometime. This is a fantastically unbelievable voyage I’m going on, but it’s no pleasure cruise in there.”
Igor smelled his own breath. He had to agree with Franny: He was probably even worse on the inside.
“Here’s my plan. First I’ll use my Shrinkerizer to miniaturize myself. Then I want you to carefully sniff me right up your nose.”
Igor pointed at his mouth.
“No. Not your mouth. I’m going in through your nose. I can’t trust those teeth of yours. You could accidentally bite me in half.”
Franny pointed at a chart of Igor’s body.
“Once inside your nose, I’ll make my way down your throat to your stomach.”
Igor handed her a flashlight.
Good thinking, Igor, but my suit is glow-in-the-dark, and that will light my way.
“When I get to your stomach, I’ll find the device, open it up, and deactivate it. This screwdriver is all I’ll need.
“Now, about getting back out,” Franny began. Igor looked a little nervous.
“After I find the device and deactivate it, I’ll call you on this walkie-talkie. Then you just lie down on your stomach, and that will make it easy for me to roll the device out like a big ball. I’ll just walk right back out your nose.”
Igor nodded in agreement.
“Then I’ll reverse the Shrinkerizer with this remote control, enlarge to my normal size, and everything will be back just fine.
“I’ll also be able to watch you on this little screen on my wrist, just to make sure you’re okay throughout the procedure. You can even sit here and watch your dumb TV while you wait.”
Igor clapped his little paws together.
Franny checked her watch. There were less than forty-five minutes left. “Everything seems to be in order,” she said. “What could go wrong?”
CHAPTER TEN
LOOKING UP AN OLD FRIEND
Franny pressed a button and stood in front of the Shrinkerizer. Igor watched as she shrank down to almost nothing.
Igor gently crept up and positioned his nose carefully. Franny looked up his giant nose and braced herself. With one giant snort, she was sucked up inside his tremendous nostril.
Some people in her situation might get the willies. Some people might get the creeps. Some people might run home, jump in the bathtub, and never, ever, ever stop washing. But Franny didn’t really mind walking around inside a dog’s nose.
It’s kind of like a cave, she thought. A big Slippery, boogery cave.
Her feet made sloppy squishy sounds as she trotted along, and she thought about how she might actually have had fun in there, if she had more time.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
LET’S GET THE SINUS BEHIN’ US
Franny stood at the edge of Igor’s sinuses, looking down into his deep, dark throat. It was important that she went down his esophagus or she could wind up in one of his lungs.
She checked the screen on her wrist and saw Igor staring at the television. A bomb was about to go off in his stomach, and a little girl was walking around up his nose, and he couldn’t care about anything but the show he was watching. “I never should have given him that TV,” Franny said.
Franny backed up a few steps to get a running start. She hurled herself off the edge and tumbled down Igor’s throat. It was a much longer fall than she had expected, and she realized that it was going to be a very long walk back out.
Eventually she landed with a thick, mucky splash in his stomach.
Looking around, all she could think about was how truly lovely the inside of a dog’s nose is when compared to the inside of his stomach.
CHAPTER TWELVE
YOUR STOMACH IS BOTHERING ME
The contents of Igor’s stomach were truly a disgusting spectacle to behold. As Franny floated around on a wad of doughnut, she saw grapes, pizza chunks, and bites of hot dog churning around in a sea of partially digested gunk. Stalactites of dog food dripped gravy onto the bits of chew toy and clumps of hair that bobbed around in the swirling currents of gobbled-up food.
Franny could see all sorts of odd things that Igor had swallowed, including what was probably part of a shoelace, and the tiny foot off a plastic doll.
She couldn’t see the Doomsday Device anywhere. She thought it might be below the surface.
“Last one in is a rotten egg,” she said, just as a rotten egg floated past.
She checked her watch again and jumped in.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I THINK I GOT GUM IN MY HAIR. AND EVERYWHERE ELSE.
Franny was running out of time. If she didn’t find the device quickly, that would be the end of her and Igor, and her lab, and a gigantic chunk of planet Earth.
Franny thought, Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop building these sorts of horribly destructive things in the first place.
Franny laughed a little. “Yeah, right,” she said.
And then she spotted it, the Doomsday Device, bobbing next to a piece of peanut brittle. It had floated up to the surface and was ticking down the seconds until it would explode.
Franny swam toward it as fast as she could, paying no attention to the peculiar pink strands that swayed between her and the bomb.
Just as she was about to grab the device, Franny found she could go no farther. She looked down and saw that her legs were tangled in the sticky pink junk. She tried to free herself and got her hands stuck in it as well. The more she struggled, the worse she became entangled.