“No!” He thundered angrily, looming over me like a storm. “Don’t do this, Zuri. This isn’t about you or us or any of that. My son is private. At first, I was only fucking you, okay? You were a beautiful escape.
I was never supposed to keep fucking you. I was never supposed to hold you while we watched the sunrise or rip myself away from my friend at the bar when I thought you needed me. I was never supposed to care.” He stopped talking abruptly and I turned my gaze away from him.
“Do you care now?” I asked in a small voice.
“More than anything. I care about you, Zuri. You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I don’t let anyone know about my son. I don’t broadcast him to the world. You don’t get to know about him just because I’m fucking you.
You only get to know about him when you mean something. When you matter. You matter to me.” He pointed at me and I felt my bottom lip wobble.
Fuck .
I was an awful, selfish bitch.
I blew up at him over his son. It was his son. He wasn’t obligated to tell me a damn thing but he chose to. I didn’t find out, he told me of his own volition and I was giving him shit about it.
“Roman, I—I don’t know what to say. I feel awful.” He sat on the stool in the middle of the room and flipped open a sketchbook.
“Don’t feel awful, Zuri. You were blindsided. I guess I could have eased you into it but how do you ease someone into that? I have a kid. He’s three. He means the world to me and before I started dreaming about your eyes his face was mainly the only thing I filled my books up with.” As Roman’s long fingers plucked through each page of his book, I realized that he was showing me sketches of my eyes. Each page had a bit more of my face and on the last page, my full face came into view. I lost my breath for a moment.
“Now, you take up a pretty good portion of my books too. So do butterflies.” He sighed. “I see you and I see monarch wings because before tonight the only place we’ve ever fucked has been in the Monarch Room.”
“Can we start over?” I asked, blinking away the stubborn tears that continued to flow.
“Start over?” Roman asked, puzzled.
“Tell me about your son again.” The heavy feeling of doom started to lift and I didn’t feel like I would crumble anymore.
“Zuri, I have a son.”
“How old is he?”
“Three.”
“What’s his name?”
“River.”
“That’s beautiful, Roman. How often do you get to see him?” I walked over and held his big hand in mine, savoring the warmth.
“I don’t get to see him. Ever.” His words made my face fold into a frown. I shook my head trying to garner more understanding.
“You don’t see him? How is that possible? When was the last time you saw him?”
“When he was seven weeks old. Then again when he was one. That’s it.” He let the sketchbook at his fingers close. His stare focused on the floor. The pain radiating from him was staggering.
“What’s the relationship like with you and his mother?” It couldn’t have been good if he never got to see his son. It made me feel even worse for asking those questions about River’s mother.
“It’s non-existent. She’s not a good person. Morals are very important to me…even though I’m fucking my student.” He ran a palm over his handsome face and looked at me then he told me the story of how he ended up with a son.
“River’s mother, her name is Michelle, she did her homework and she studied my family. She started showing up to the same parties as me, weaseling into the same circles and she kept throwing herself at me. I was never interested.
I guess it got under her skin. At the next function we both attended, someone kept buying me drinks and at the end of the night I found out it was her. We talked for about fifteen minutes at my car. When I was ready to go, she dropped to her knees and pulled my dick out.
I couldn’t get hard for her. I didn’t want her. I felt embarrassed for both of us, honestly. Then, she started begging to ride me.
I was drunk and I wanted to get her away from me so I got in the back seat and tried to fuck her. My dick kept going between hard and soft but once she got going, it stayed hard and I came.
She took the condom. I didn’t think anything of it when she said she’d toss it. I just wanted her to get the fuck away from me.
Wasn’t my proudest moment. I pushed it out of my mind and was relieved when I didn’t see Michelle anymore.” Roman snapped his eyes shut like reliving the situation killed him. My mouth was like sand the entire time I listened.
“She contacted me a month later and told me she was pregnant. I didn’t believe her. She petitioned for a paternity test when River was six weeks old. I’d never even seen pictures of him. She didn’t tell me when he was born. She never called me after I questioned if she was pregnant or not. She wanted to paint me as a deadbeat.
I saw him for the first time at the paternity hearing. She let me hold him after they determined he was mine. She demanded an exorbitant amount of money in child support, stating my family was prominent. Once she realized I had no connection to them and the judge only awarded her based on what my salary was, she was livid. She tried to do everything in her power to go after my family’s money. She tried to get the amount of support changed and when that didn’t work, she kept River from me.
I’ve been fighting her for three years. I need a new lawyer because the one I had wasn’t really working. He just shrugged his shoulders when the judge spouted shit about River being a tender age and needing his mother.”
My head was reeling from the story he told. I walked over and wrapped my arms around him, holding on as tight as I could. He rubbed my back and I felt his warm face press against my neck. He was crying.
I shattered. I couldn’t explain the feeling of sorrow that washed over me. I’d never felt empathy like that for another person. My heart hurt with every beat.
“Roman, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I—I don’t know what to say. How can I help you fight this?”
“I’m handling it. That’s why I took this new job at Aspen Grove. It pays well. I absolutely can’t ask my family for help. It would bury Michelle and she would never see River again. I don’t want that for him. I want him to see both of us. Even though what she’s doing is wrong, I would never keep him from his mother.”
“How are you this sweet? You should bury her. She’s keeping your son. What can your family do to help?”
“Zuri, my family doesn’t play well with others. They’re giants and they know it. If I even hinted at coming back into the family fold, they would move heaven and earth and if my parents found out they had a grandchild…” He shook his head at the thought.
I couldn’t help but wonder who his family was. He must have hated them if he refused to contact them. I wanted to pry but I didn’t want to seem nosey. My mind was hungry to find out everything about Roman though. I realized there was so much I didn’t know.
One thing I knew for sure was that he had a heart of gold and his energy matched mine. I knew that when Roman was around, my body tingled and ached. I knew when he kissed me that my lips hummed with happiness and my thighs clenched. I knew that when he spoke, my ears burned and my mind whirred to life with thousands of words that begged to be scribbled down.
I loved him .
The realization made my stomach lurch and I had to brace myself against the wall. His kind eyes found mine and he looked at me with concern. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I just…I need to sit down for a minute.” He stood and gave me the stool he was sitting on then he smoothed my hair back and touched my forehead.
“Do you want some water? I know this is a lot to take in. I never meant to dump my problems on you, Zuri. You’re so young and you have your own issues. You don’t need to shoulder mine.”
“I want to. I want to know everything about you and I want to help you fix this with your son.”
“No, it�
�s not your place. You don’t have to do that. I can’t ask you to do that.”
I shot to my feet and stared Roman in the eye. “You’re not asking me to do anything. I’m telling you I want to help. You don’t deserve to be kept away from that little boy. He needs to know what an awesome dad he has. He needs to grow up with you. She doesn’t get to snatch you away like that.” My words trembled along with my lips.
Roman’s shoulders dropped a bit before he pulled me in for a hug. “You can’t take this on and this is why I debated telling you about River in the first place. It’s too much for you.” Anger forced me to push his hands away.
“I am not a child, Roman! I’m capable of caring and helping and balancing my own life simultaneously. Why is it that as soon as I hit eighteen I’m considered an adult but right now I’m a child?”
“I don’t think you’re a child. If I did, I wouldn’t be fucking you.” Tears sprang to my eyes and I didn’t try to hide them.
“Is that all we’re doing, Roman? Is that why you don’t want me to interfere? I guess I should stay in my place, huh?” His head dropped and he let out a staggered breath. I realized I was terrified to hear his answer. I turned and left the art room. My feet rushed over the smooth hardwood as I went to the kitchen and found my clothes.
“Zuri!” Roman boomed as I got dressed with shaky hands. I grabbed my phone from the table and sent Duke a text. “Where are you going?” He called as I sped away from the house on foot. I had my phone and my keys and that’s all I cared about.
If I had to hear Roman tell me that we were only fucking and he cared but not enough to let me in his life, I feared I might break into a million tiny pieces. If I was going to shatter, I wanted to do it alone. I wanted to be in the privacy of my own home.
“Zuri, please come back inside so we can talk,” Roman ran alongside me, shirtless in the cool November air but I ignored him. “Maybe I should have worded it differently,” he panted.
“Worded it differently? I’m grown enough for you to fuck but not to care about what you’re going through? We’ve been fucking long enough for you to tell me important things in your life but we’re not deep enough for you to let me all the way in? I get it. We’re just fucking.”
“Zuri, don’t leave.” He sounded conflicted but I wasn’t in the mood for conflict. My heart was racing and I needed to be alone to sort out my jumbled thoughts. I’d never been so grateful for Duke’s impeccable timing in my life.
I hopped in and shut the door without another glance at Roman. Tears seared down my cheeks and I wiped them away as fast as they came. “Home, Miss Zuri?”
“No, take me to Krissy’s, please. Just make it look like you drove around or something. I don’t know, Duke,” I sniffled.
“Is everything okay?” He asked softly from the front seat. I was busy texting Krissy a SOS when I heard him.
“No, Duke. Everything is fucked up.”
“Guy problems or school problems?” He cocked an eyebrow up and I pushed out a breath. I didn’t care right then about who knew what.
“Guy problems at school,” I stated. “Have you ever wished you meant more to someone than you actually did?” I asked him out desperation. Duke drew in a breath, staring ahead at the road.
“Yes. It’s tough.”
“It’s more than tough.”
“Did he tell you he cared?” Duke asked.
“Yeah. I don’t think we care on the same level though.” I wiped my eyes over and over and let out a frustrated growl when the tears wouldn’t stop.
“Miss Zuri, can I be candid with you?” Duke asked.
“Please. I need candor right now.” I laughed through the tears.
“I’ve been with the same person for four years and I still can’t get them to admit how much they care. Truth is, after this year I think I’m finally ready to move on. I understand having a situation that you can’t let anyone know about. Don’t carry that stress if the other party isn’t willing to meet you halfway.
You’re a beautiful girl. Seeing you grow up has been a pleasure. Seeing you cry isn’t so much of a pleasure but it comes with growing up. Go to your friend’s house. Take time to think. Promise that you will make the best choice for yourself.”
By the time Duke was done talking, I was bawling. I was a teary mess. When he pulled up at Krissy’s house and opened the back door for me, I hopped out and wrapped my arms around him in a hug.
Duke’s words were the closest things that I’d ever experienced to fatherly advice. I don’t think he knew how much I appreciated it. “You’ll be okay, Miss Zuri. You need to figure out what’s best for you and what you really want.”
“You’re right. Thank you so much, Duke. I appreciate you.”
“It’s not a problem. Call me when you need me. I’m around.” I was so starved for fatherly attention that I wished Duke would kiss my forehead. I knew he wouldn’t so I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. His smile was warm and it made me feel a little better to see him happy.
**
“A son? Wow,” Krissy sat on the floor of her bedroom with wide eyes as she listened to me.
“He said he didn’t want me to help or worry about it because it’s not my place .” I laughed bitterly and shook my head. My eyes were tired and swollen from crying. I didn’t want to cry anymore. Not another drop.
“Not your place?” She scoffed. “What the fuck are you a kid?”
“Exactly. He said he didn’t think of me as a child or else he wouldn’t be fucking me. I left after that. I couldn’t handle knowing we didn’t feel the same way about each other. I didn’t want to hear him say he cared again.”
“Wait…how do you feel, Riri?” Her chin dropped and her eyebrows flew up on her forehead. My cheeks heated and my skin buzzed. “Do you…love him?”
“Yes,” I answered hoarsely.
“Oh, Zuri…come here.” Feeling my best friend hug me made the rest of my walls come tumbling down. We held each other and she rocked me back and forth. Her eyes shimmered with wetness when she pulled back.
“I can’t handle him not loving me back. I don’t know how it’s supposed to feel to be in love but not knowing if the person you loves feels the same way is torture.”
“Did he try to stop you from leaving?”
“Yeah, but he didn’t take back what he said,” I shrugged.
“Did you tell him you loved him?”
“No, I needed to get away so I called my driver and I came here. Things are too complicated.” The truth was…fear pushed me away. It crippled me and I couldn’t express myself. I couldn’t handle the possibility of my feelings not being reciprocated.
I laid with my head in Krissy’s lap while she stroked my hair and I stared at the ceiling. “Are you going to go to school early on Monday?” I shook my head in response and pushed out a breath.
I never knew loving someone could be so confusing. So exhausting. All I wanted to do was sleep.
**
“Where were you this weekend?” My father’s flight touched down Sunday afternoon and when he got back home, he hit the door with questions. His voice was angry already and it made everything feel heavier on my shoulders.
“I went to Krissy’s. I’m sorry,” I muttered.
“You were not to leave the house, Zuri.” I moved around the kitchen making myself a cup of tea, trying to tune his harsh voice out. It was too much right then. His thick accent and grating tone made me cringe inside.
“Do you hear me talking to you? Are you that fucking dumb that you can’t hear now? If you can’t follow directions then I guess I need to take your phone away.”
“Fine. Take it.” I dropped it in his palm. I didn’t care anymore. I already deleted my text thread with Roman and blocked his number. No new messages or calls from him would come through anyway.
“You think because you hand over your phone that you can get me off your back? Stupid girl. I will make your life a living hell if you don’t obey me.” His nostrils flared
and he slapped the piping hot mug of tea from my hands, sending it tumbling to the floor. The white porcelain shattered into thousands of shards as tears sprang to my eyes.
Not because it was such a barbaric act but because the tea burned my legs and hands. The sting of heat made the pain of my aching heart a reality. It was how physical pain could amplify emotional pain.
It was as if someone pulled a string at the seam holding me together and I fell into two halves, spilling my broken and confused pieces to the floor with the drops of steaming green tea. “See? You’re weak and disgusting just like your mother. Clean this mess up! If I find out you’re going anywhere besides school, the next time it won’t be a mug of tea on the floor. It will be you,” he snapped.
When his footsteps grew distant and I heard the door to his study slide shut, I let a shudder slip through my bones before sinking to my knees to pick up the shattered mug. I realized I missed Roman terribly.
I didn’t just miss him physically. It wasn’t just his strong arms and manly scent that I missed. It wasn’t just his lips or those eyes.
I missed the hope he gave me. I missed the warmth I knew I’d get when I saw him. I missed the reassurance he gave me. When I knew I’d see him, I knew everything would be okay. His existence made everything okay.
I’d never realized it before.
He made me happy.
I dumped the shards in the trash, mopped up the tea, and climbed the stairs before locking myself in my room. I wanted to call my mother. Instantly, I regretted handing my phone over so easily.
I pulled my laptop onto the bed with me and called her on Facetime. There was always a way. She answered immediately and I watched her expression go from happy to concerned in a millisecond. “Zuri, what’s wrong?”
“Mommy, I hate living here,” I sobbed, fat tears splashing to my keyboard. It was so much more than that though.
“Zuri, my sweet girl. I wish so much that I could rescue you.” No, she couldn’t rescue me. I thought Roman could. I thought he could rescue me from the lonely hell I was living but maybe I was wrong.
The ache in my chest spread to my head.
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