by Trio, L. M.
“No, I’m afraid you’re not goin’ to call me back. I called you three times today and you never got back to me.”
“I promise; I’ll call later. I just want some time to myself, okay?” she says as if that will convince me.
“I gave you time to yourself yesterday. I think you know me better than that. Do you think you can get rid of me that easy?” I talk through the door.
I hear her feet hit the floor hard, then walk towards the door and unlock it. I open the door slowly and she is already back in her bed, curled up and facing the opposite direction.
“Thanks,” I say as I sit down on the edge of the bed. “JJ, I get that you need some time, but I need to be here with you. Don’t push me away.”
I wait for a response, but she doesn’t answer. I curl up next to her and wrap my arms around her. I can feel her softly sobbing as I hold her tight. She won’t face me, but at least she doesn’t tell me to go or try to push me away.
I must have dozed off. When I awake, it’s dark; the only light is coming from the moon outside. Now, she’s facing me, staring at me, snuggled in close. Her eyes are sad and puffy. My heart drops, hating to see her like this.
“Hey.”
“You’re still in your uniform,” she whispers.
“I know. I came right from my game. I didn’t get a shower, do I smell?”
“No. Did you eat?” she asks with concern.
“I figured I’d wait for you.”
“You should eat. I’m not hungry.”
“Me, neither.”
“Liar. Your stomach was growling so loud, it woke me up.”
“Sorry.” I smile as I pull her close to me and kiss her. Thankfully, she responds.
“JJ, I miss you. Yesterday, you didn’t talk to me all day, and today... you didn’t answer. You can be as sad as you need to be... but, please, don’t shut me out... I want to be here. No, I need to be here with you,” I plead.
“I know, Luke, you have this need... to rescue me over and over.”
“Not true. You don’t need rescuing. You’re probably one of the strongest people I know. It’s me. I’ve come to depend on you... being here for me. I told you before, you bring normalcy to my crazy world. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t in my life.” I smile at her. “See. It’s me who needs rescuing,” I say as I hug her tightly.
“Sure you do. But, thank you,” she says as she hugs me back.
Once again, my stomach lets out a loud roar. We both laugh. She orders me to get something to eat and after coaxing her along, I’m able to get her to come to the kitchen with me. I heat up the dinner that David has left and set the table. I bring it to the table and fix her a plate before beginning to load up mine. She pushes hers aside.
“You eat; I’m not hungry,” She tells me.
“You have to eat a little.” I push her plate back in front of her. “I’m not eating alone.”
“You’re a pain in the ass, Luke.”
“I know, but I love you,” I answer, giving her a smile, pleased with myself for getting her to joke with me.
“You must,” she answers as she slowly begins to take small bites.
We sit mostly in silence, occasionally making small talk. I must admit I feel satisfied with what little progress I make. At least she is somewhat talking and eating a little bit of her dinner. She’s going to be okay, I just need to stay with her, I think to myself as David comes walking in. He’s home from work early. He claims the restaurant wasn’t busy, but I get the feeling he was anxious to check on her. By the look on his face, I can tell he’s surprised to see her up and about, sitting in the kitchen; let alone, picking at the food on her plate.
“Hey, David.” I try to sound casual.
“What’s up, guys?” he responds, also trying to sound casual.
JJ gives him a half smile as she painfully takes another bite. “Are you hungry? There’s plenty left,” I say, trying to sound cheerful as I nod my head in her direction and roll my eyes at him.
“No, you eat. I ate at the restaurant. How was your game?”
“Cool. Easy win today.”
We continue to converse as we usually do, talking about the game, sports and whatever else we can come up with when JJ excuses herself from the table I fill David in on how she came to finally leave her room.
“David, can I stay? She’s doin’ better. I know tomorrow is the day and I want to stay with her. I’m not going to school, either. I know it’s a rough day for you, too, but I would really appreciate it if you let me stay.”
“Luke believe me, I appreciate what you’ve done. I’d do anything to make this easier on her. Will your mom and dad be okay with you staying home from school?”
“They’ll be fine. I hardly ever miss school. I’m goin’ to run home to shower and change. I came right from my game today.”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
Just then, JJ walks back into the kitchen. “Hey JJ, David said I could stay over tonight. I promised him no funny business, I’ll sleep on the floor… and the door stays open.” I laugh as I wink at David, who just shakes his head, it makes her laugh and she calls me an idiot. I know I sometimes push my luck with David, but in this case I know I can get away with it, if it gets a smile from her.
When I arrive at my house, my mom is awake, watching the news, while my dad sleeps on the couch.
“Hi, honey. How is she?” She greets me.
“Better. I got her to come out to the kitchen and eat something. I got her to smile,” I answer proudly.
“I knew that you would. You’re a good boy, Luciano, I’m proud of you. She’s been through something we could never imagine and my heart breaks for her. She’s lucky to have you.”
“I love her, Mom. I really do. I feel lucky to have her.”
“I know. You’re lucky to have each other,” she says as she hugs me.
I tell her about how I asked David if it was okay if I stayed and about how I got JJ to laugh, which in turn makes my mom laugh.
“That poor man. It’s bad enough he’s raising his teenage daughter on his own, let alone you making remarks about fooling around with her. I’m sure he loves thinking about that.” She laughs.
“He knows I’m teasin’. David loves me,” I say, laughing.
“You’re right. He can’t say enough good things about you. Don’t ever take advantage of his trust,” she adds on a serious note.
“I would never… you know that, Mom. I am so good with her; we’ve never even had...”
“Okay, I don’t need details.” She stops me before I can finish and I laugh as I go to jump in the shower and hurry back. When I get back, David is in the family room, ready to head up to bed. “Where is she?” I ask.
“Back in her room,” he answers as he throws his hands up in the air.
“Is it okay if I go in?” I ask as he heads up the steps.
“Yeah, but I want the door open,” he says sternly as he shoots me a look.
“I know. I promised,” I reply as I give him a wink.
“Good... because I’ll be down to check.”
I know he isn’t serious. I mean, if something was going to happen, I wouldn’t pick a night when David was home. God knows we have plenty of opportunity when David is working and we have the house to ourselves.
Her door is closed so I knock lightly. “Can I come in?” I ask. She gives me the go ahead to enter her room. She has just exited the shower and is covered in a towel. She’s gathering clothes from her drawer and as she brushes past me, the scent of her soap and shampoo is irresistible. I reach for her hand and give her a tug to come towards me. Unable to restrain myself, I pull her into an embrace and begin kissing her while quietly closing the door with my foot. She throws her hands around my neck and begins kissing me with urgency. Within seconds, the towel is at her feet and my shirt is off. Not that this is the first time I’ve seen her like this. Since the night of my birthday dinner, there have been quite a few times where we have gotten to t
his point or a little further, but somehow I manage to put the brakes on before following through with the actual deed. Like now, for instance.
“I’ve been here for ten seconds, and I’m breakin’ my own rules,” I say, running my hands over her body, kissing her, trying to pull myself away.
“Luke, I don’t care about your rules. Please stop making me wait,” she begs, pulling me closer.
As I finally came to my senses, I hand her the towel and pick my shirt up off the floor. After I secure the towel around her, I open the door...wide open. She’s angry, and to prove it, she shows me a side of her that I have yet to see.
Her eyes shoot fire at me while she stares me down, letting the towel drop to her feet, revealing her perfectly toned body, causing my own mouth to drop. The door is open. David could walk in any second. I stand there, gaping at her, while trying to justify that it’s fine for me to take her to bed right now and have my way with her.
I step forward, ready to go for it, while her fiery eyes remain on mine, daring me to come closer. Just as I’m about to take her up on her offer, she angrily pulls her t-shirt over her head and pulls up her shorts, while dramatically tying the drawstring, tight. For some reason, I find this very hot, I guess it would be hotter if the clothes were going in the other direction, but I want her bad. I walk towards her and she shoves me away.
“Too late,” she says as she plops down on her bed, curls her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms tightly around them.
After getting over the initial shock of her boldness, I first have to calm my heart rate down from seeing her standing in front of me naked before sitting down beside her on the bed.
“What’s wrong?” I pet her head like a puppy, knowing she’s furious with me.
“You know what’s wrong.” She scowls.
“It’s not the right time,” I say softly, trying to pacify her.
“Why do you get to decide when it’s the right time?” she demands.
“Um... Because, I’m older and wiser,” I answer, knowing I’ll piss her off big time. She hates when I play the older card, but I’m enjoying her feistiness, getting her mind off other things.
“Bullshit. You’re a tease. You always start, get me all heated up, then you stop. Just like last year on the Fourth of July. You start, I follow, and you stop. Then, you go and tell me all the reasons of why we shouldn’t after you’re the one who starts it every time! You decide when we are going to become a couple and when we are going to have sex! Why do you get to decide everything?”
I have to admit, I’m taken aback by her tone. I’m not used to seeing her angry, especially with me.
“Wow. You’re feisty tonight. Go ahead, let it out. What else do I do that pisses you off?” I ask, putting my arm around her and flashing a smile, thinking she will cave to my charismatic attitude.
“Don’t joke around, Luke. I’m serious,” she says, pulling my arm off her. “I want to know why.”
“Why what?” I ask, stunned that she’s seriously pissed at me. This is the first time I think that she’s ever been mad at me.
“Why do you get to decide everything? And don’t give me that older shit.”
“Alright, do you really want to know why?”
“No, lie to me,” she says sarcastically.
“Okay, tonight... I’m sorry. You’re right; I should have never even started that. I no sooner step into your room after thanking your dad for trusting me enough to let me stay with you and told him the door would stay open, that I spot you in a towel. Two seconds later I have the door closed and the towel off... not cool. Also, to be totally honest, tonight wouldn’t have been a good night. I want it to be a night, when we are both feeling good. Not a night, when you’re sad and trying to forget what’s really bothering you. I would feel like I took advantage when you were feeling vulnerable... I’m sorry.”
“Okay, fair enough. I’ll let you slide tonight, but there have been plenty of other opportunities when we were both totally happy. After hearing the excuse that you aren’t prepared like ten different times, I figured I’d take care of it and we wouldn’t have to be concerned with being prepared anymore. I want to be with you in every way,” she says, still sounding a bit angry with me.
“You’re right, there have been many opportunities, but maybe it’s not me. Maybe it’s something that you do that tells me, you’re not quite ready. I want you to be absolutely sure that you’re doing it for the right reasons.”
“You’re crazy! What do I do that makes you think I’m not ready? I’m practically begging you. It’s actually pathetic that I’m constantly throwing myself at you and you still turn me away...especially knowing that you screwed around with half the girls in the school,” she says angrily.
“Stop right there. If I didn’t care so much, if I didn’t love you so much, trust me... you would be in the same boat as half the girls in the school. Which, by the way, is a huge exaggeration,” I answer sarcastically. “Do you know how hard it is for me to put the brakes on when I’m with you? I don’t want to be with you because you feel like that’s what comes next, though; that is not what we are about. I can honestly say that I know I will love you forever and…”
She interrupts. “Nothing lasts forever, Luke. Trust me, I know that first hand.”
“See, JJ. That... right there. That’s what holds me back, if you want to know the truth. That’s why you never tell me you love me, like the last couple of days. You’re ready to shut me out while you go and curl up on your bed for a couple of weeks, waiting for what? Something bad to happen, like what? Me leavin’? If you don’t think we can make it, then I need to know that, because, since we’ve been together, I’ve been thinkin’ it doesn’t matter if I’m here or in another state. I love you and as long as we’re together, we’re going to be just fine; but if you’re not feeling that, then you need to tell me now. Anyway, that’s why I put the brakes on, I need you to feel sure about us and I don’t think you do... yet.”
“I’m not curled up on my bed because you’re going to leave…” she starts to say.
“I know that. I know why you’re upset. I was just tryin’ to make a point. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with me... right now... But, you have never told me you love me, why is that?”
“Are we having our first fight?” she asks, avoiding the question as she leans closer to me, resting her head on my arm.
“I wouldn’t call it a fight, but obviously we both have some things we have to get off our chest. This is good. I’d rather get things out in the open,” I say, putting my arm around her and pulling her closer.
She looks up to face me. “This is good. What you said, it’s not entirely wrong. It’s pretty much right on target. I’m afraid that if I let myself completely relax and be happy, something bad is going to happen again. You’re the person that makes me the happiest, so you’re right. I’m afraid to say it out loud. I’m afraid of jinxing myself, but you know how I feel, right?”
“Yeah, I do. Most times it doesn’t even bother me that you won’t say it to me out loud. Well, maybe it gets to me once in a while.” I smile. “Although... I did hear you whisper it when you thought I was sleeping a few times.”
“You’re an ass,” she says as she gives me a shove. “But for the record, and I’m not saying this because you made me feel like I had to, but I can tell you the exact moment I knew that I loved you. It was the night of the storm, when you stayed over. I woke up when the electricity came on and I sat there, watching you while you sleep, thinking of the times we spent together and how important they were to me. I always feel happy when you are near. It was at that moment, I just knew that I loved you... really love you.”
I pull her onto my lap and put my arms around her. “Now was that so hard?” I ask as I kiss her softly on her lips.
“I’m still going to panic every now and then, Luke. I can’t help thinking about what happened two years ago, it creeps up on me sometimes, especially now. When it happens, I can’t breath
e. My heart starts pounding and not in the good way, like when I’m with you. It’s a sick feeling, I feel like I’m dying. It’s really scary and I wish it didn’t happen, but it does. You have no idea what it feels like, it’s horrible.”
“We’ll get through it together, just like we’re doing now. Just talk to me about it. I think you’d feel better, instead of keeping it in. Do you feel at least a little better?”
“Much better. It feels good to talk about it with you. I still need to get through tomorrow, though.”
“We will. Instead of lying in bed all day being sad, how about we do something in honor of your mom. We’ll make it a yearly thing, something you think she would like.”
“Like what?” she asks enthusiastically.
“I don’t know, maybe some type of yearly fundraiser. Pick a charity that you think would mean something to her and, each year, make a donation in her memory. What do you think?”
“I like it; it’s a great idea. She would like that. How do we find out how to get started?”
“I’d say a good place to start would be online. We can start in the morning,” I say as I let out a yawn.
“Can’t we start tonight?” she asks excitedly.
How can I deny her?
We go into the spare room where the computer is set up. I sit her on my lap as we begin to Google various websites about fundraising, charities and memorials. We come across some pretty good ideas along with a couple of wacky ones. We’re even able to laugh at some of the ideas. I’m happy to see her so enthusiastic about it. We don’t realize how late it is and we must have been making a lot of noise since David is suddenly standing in the doorway.
“What the hell are you two doin’? It’s after three in the morning,” he says, trying to sound annoyed, but you can see, clearly, that he’s ecstatic that JJ is up and smiling.
“Sorry, Dad. We didn’t mean to wake you. Luke came up with a really good idea. We are going to start a yearly fundraiser and donate to a charity in Mommy’s name. We’re looking for ideas. Do you know of any charities that she would like to support?” she asks with enthusiasm in her voice as she studies the computer screen.