by R. J. Garcia
Her baby teeth carved into her bottom lip and she started crying. Of course, she cried. I had terrified her. I knew I shouldn’t have put that pressure on her, but I couldn’t stop. “Just be good, okay?”
I shut up, sitting at the end of her bed, sulking in the realization that I was a bad person. After a couple minutes, Isabella stopped crying and wrapped her arms around herself in a type of self-hug. I squeezed her foot in a lame attempt at an apology.
The phone rang and a minute later Holden came in, saying, “It’s your mom,” and handed Isabella the phone. After only seconds, she happily gushed, “I love you, too, Mommy.”
I scrambled to my feet with an overwhelming eagerness to be upright and paced back and forth. I waited. I wanted to tell my mom I hated her. I wanted to tell her I loved her. I wanted to say so much.
Finally, I got my turn. “Mom,” I exhaled into the receiver.
Each word from my mother trickled out as hot and cold as ever. “Oh, Tommy. I miss you. I’m working on things. Mandatory drug tests are an invasion of privacy. What about my rights?”
“I would do it for you and Izzy.” From the background noise, it sounded like she was on a busy street or a bar. “Where are you, Mom?”
“Alex posted my bail. I’m staying with him.”
He happened to be an ex-boyfriend and drug dealer. I moaned, “Great. You’re never going to get us back.”
I got quiet and we said goodbye.
I ran my knuckles along my jawline and worked hard not to cry. Guys with soccer moms could never understand. No girl had the power to break your heart, the way your mom can.
Izzy said she was going to color our mom a picture and I slipped off to my basement dwelling. I felt the relief of my bed. Feeling like I had more to say, I called Carlos, but he couldn’t talk long. Lately, he liked to text me about a girl he met at his cousin’s quinceañera. I could sense us drifting apart. We hung out best in front of a TV with something to smoke, which sounded good right about now.
So, I called my only other good friend, Simon Hall. My mom had lived with his dad on and off for years, and he became like a big brother. We didn’t have much to say either, but he told me if it got bad where I was, he would come and get me and Izzy. I told him things were alright and we ended the call. I closed my eyes, feeling mentally tapped.
When I looked up, Isabella hesitated by the doorway. “Do you want to see the picture?”
“Sure.” I sat up.
She sauntered over and handed it to me. I stared at a Tinkerbell with her rainbow hair, and yellow face, colored mostly inside the lines. I told her it was “very creative,” and handed it back to her. She lingered there, rocking on the balls of her feet as if she wanted something.
“What, Izzy?”
“Can we cuddle?”
“Okay.” I laid back, patting the spot next to me.
Izzy carefully set the coloring page on a TV tray next to my half-eaten bubble bologna sandwich. She climbed on top of me, her breath warm against my neck.
I smiled. She never held a grudge. “It will be fine, Izzy.” I wanted to believe this, but I felt flat inside.
Next Saturday night Finn trickled the lighter fluid into the flames making them shoot up in a fierce blue. I was again huddled next to Annie, our hips touching, when she suggested I either share one embarrassing thing about myself or say what I thought was the stupidest curse word. It seemed kind of random.
I chose the easier challenge. “The most ridiculous curse word is MF.” I couldn’t bring myself to say the actual word with the girls there. “The f-bomb alone makes a statement but adding “mother” in front of it seems too dramatic.”
Grinning, Silence decided to answer, “I can’t spell the word eleven and I don’t want to.”
“What a rebel,” Finn teased, adding, “I could name more embarrassing things about you, Silence Harper.”
She jumped on him and wrestled him to the ground. He enjoyed the beating.
Annie shook her head at them, telling me, “They’re always like that.”
Finn lying flat down with Silence on top of him, her knees positioned to the sides of his waist, when he blurted out, “Silence can’t tell time!”
“I hate you, Finn.” She got up and sat next to me, fixing her disheveled hair.
Finn got up, plopping down beside her on the ground and softly moaned, “Now I’ve got more wood.”
“Pervert,” Silence mumbled.
“Aren’t you late a lot?” I asked her. Silence smacked me in the arm.
I liked not thinking about anything too serious. It was easy to be with them. This time the dark wisps of smoke looked like winding roads. I could go anywhere.
I began to wait for Saturdays and our nocturnal meetings. It was an after-school activity for kids who didn’t join after-school activities. It was a social gathering for kids like me who didn’t play a sport or have any real interest or talents I guess. It could become a kind of regular thing with no rules or expectations.
At the same time, I sensed I couldn’t cross the line with Silence because she was young, and Finn had an unspoken thing for her. I didn’t want to get in the middle of some weird love triangle. Also, I wouldn’t be here long, so Finn should get the girl. Usually, I would get hung up on a girl like Hailee, a girl who was completely safe and utterly unattainable. After all, she was clearly out of my league.
Monday brought even more cold. The sunlight reflected off the newly fallen snow like sequins. Through the frosted windows on the bus, everything had an incandescent glow. I fell into an easy conversation with Annie and Finn about cereal while Silence slept. Wiping the window with my sleeve, I became entranced by the descending flakes— silent, soft, and seemingly without end. Finally, the bus pulled into the parking lot. Annie thought of another important topic as we lined up. “Do you prefer a crunchy or a soft-baked cookie?”
A sleepy-looking Silence chimed in, “I would throw a crunchy cookie to the wall. Death to the crunchy cookie. Soft-baked all the way.”
“Yup,” I agreed.
“Man, Silence, you’re such a hater,” Finn said.
We shuffled in tender steps, in no real hurry. Tiny flecks of snow clung to the line of trees right outside the school and dusted the sidewalks like powdered sugar.
It looked beautiful, like Hailee, who lingered by our lockers. “Hey Tommy, lovely spring weather, huh?”
“The weather, yeah. I was just thinking that.” Did it even make sense?
She kept talking. “I was wondering if you want to go to the Spring Dance with me?”
I couldn’t say a word. I was in shock. Even my automatic system failed me. I ceased to breathe, and my heart may have skipped a beat. Somehow, I had bought into her small-town celebrity. Finn appeared at his neighboring locker. I gave him a desperate look as if he could help me, but he only offered me a shrug.
“It’s a turnabout dance. You know, the girls ask the boys.” She explained. It seemed impossible. Was she asking me out? After an uncomfortable pause, she asked, “Do you want to go with me?”
“Yeah, I do,” I managed to say.
Hailee smiled at me for a second. “Okay. It’s a date.” Gathering her books, she walked away.
Finn exclaimed, “Wow! You are the luckiest guy in the world. I hate you.” He shook his head, throwing me a thin smile as he slammed his locker shut. A glint came to his eyes when he turned and faced me. “I didn’t even know you could dance.”
“I have to dance?” More panic set in.
“I don’t know. They might do that kind of thing at a dance.” His voice was drenched in sarcasm.
The day weirded on from snow in spring and Hailee asking me out, to other curious events. Kids in the hall happily called out “Chicago” to me when I passed by. I overheard more girls calling me cute as I walked out of the bathroom after third hour. I was not only invited to Hailee’s table at lunch but accepted by her friends.
Hailee and I sat down at an empty table on the same plastic,
orange chairs that we’d had at my old school. We both just set our trays down when she said, “You know, I’m glad Finn got his friends back. They were too scared to sit by him when Mudget was here.” My eyes scanned the cafeteria until I spotted Finn sitting by a couple of guys.
“Really?”
“Yeah, he sat by himself for the longest time until you came,” Hailee added.
Brandon, the nickname guy, took a seat next to me, tapping his fingers on the table. “What’s up, Chicago?” He was the type of guy who bubbled over with excessive energy.
“Hey,” I said and stuck my straw in my chocolate milk. A kid approached the table holding a tray when Brandon popped up and grabbed him by the elbow, telling him, “You owe me big time.” They sat down and started to talk.
Another cute girl sat down. Hailee introduced us. Her name was Kelly and Brandon’s friend’s name was Lucas. He was tall and lanky, with a trendy haircut. He casually flicked a few fingers at me as he was introduced. A couple other kids joined us, but I didn’t get their names.
They were Abercrombie and Fitch kind of kids. Finn explained that most of the kids, at what he dubbed the “popular table,” lived in the only nice subdivision in Summertime. It was called Lake in the Hills. It was even gated.
Brandon turned to face me. “Wilds has been monopolizing you, bro. You need to hang out with us.” I guess Finn’s nickname was his last name if that counts.
“Hey, Tommy, you’re from Chicago. Did you live in one of those high-rises with a doorman?” Kelly asked, moving her chef salad around with her fork.
“No. Just an apartment.” I could even pretend to be that guy.
“Why did your family move here?” Hailee asked.
I paused. A lump formed in my throat. I had to invent something. For some reason, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air popped in my head. “My mom wanted my sister and me to stay with my uncle. You know, to get away from the bad influences of the city.”
Brandon leaned in, suddenly interested. “Did you get in trouble or what?”
“No. It wasn’t like that.”
They bought it. Kelly Santoni decided, “You’re too sweet to get into trouble.” She liked her next idea more. “You know, it’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for.”
Brandon commented, “I bet you can get weed easy there.”
“Be quiet,” Hailee told him. “You’re going to make him think we’re druggies.” Everyone was talking, but I didn’t say much. I felt like I was new to English and could only speak in polite conversation. You know, like hello, yes and no, cómo está kind of talk. I bit into my turkey sandwich, chewing and swallowing in rhythm with their conversation. No one seemed to care or notice. In fact, according to Kelly my lack of participation meant, “Tommy’s shy and down-to-earth.”
Hailee smiled and nodded in agreement.
Maybe I’d reinvent myself. I’d be a new and cool kid. Popularity was like wearing the most coveted shoes of your day. In my case, brand new Air Jordans. The only problem was the shoes didn’t fit me and by the end of the day, I had blisters. I still wanted the shoes, at least, a part of me did.
Chapter 6
The Letter
It was almost six o’clock. I had just washed the dinner dishes, trying to get on Reese’s good side, when I heard somebody at the door. I guessed it was Finn.
Holden came in the kitchen, raising his eyebrows at me. “There’s a girl here to see you. A cute girl.” He grinned, kind of impressed. “When I was your age, I couldn’t even talk to the pretty ones.”
It’s Hailee, I thought, and a wave of panic and excitement hit me. I walked into the living room and Silence stood by the front door, taking off her thrift store Uggs that she had bragged about finding. She elected to leave her navy-blue hoodie on, like always.
“Hey,” I said, feeling self-conscious as Holden blatantly stared. I rolled my eyes at him but almost smiled.
He leaned forward slightly. “Hi. I’m Tommy’s uncle, Holden.”
Silence said a rushed, “Hello,” as if to get the pleasantries out of the way.
“Do you want to hang out downstairs?” I asked.
She eyed me suspiciously before her gaze skipped over to Holden and back to me. “Kay.” She followed me through the kitchen. Reese stopped us and made me introduce her, commenting that she had a unique name.
Silence responded, “You can say it—it’s a weird name.”
Reese insisted she liked the name and informed us she’d be down in a bit with soda.
Silence followed me down the steps. Earlier, when she’d heard Finn gushing about me going to the dance with Hailee, she’d stormed off on the bus. I wondered about her visit.
I sat down on the sofa in the TV room. Silence sat down several feet from me.
“So, what’s up?”
“Does something have to be up?” she asked, her voice soft and unsure.
“No.” I liked her visiting me. I put Netflix on, asking her, “What do you want to watch?”
She broke into a wide grin. “Put on Stranger Things 2. I already saw it at Annie’s but it’s really cool.”
We watched the show for a bit without talking at all. The longer we watched, the more we fell into a TV coma. Silence looked comfortable, with her arm along the back of the sofa and her hip disappearing into one of the cushions.
Reese brought us two cans of orange soda and broke us out of a kind of spell. “When you’re ready to go home, tell me. I’ll give you a ride. It’s too dark and cold to walk.”
Silence sat up straight. “Thanks,” she said, taking a large gulp of pop. Reese smiled and went upstairs. Silence blurted out, “You know, Finn has always liked Hailee. And I always liked Finn.” Was I being placed in a teenage drama I wouldn’t want to watch on TV?
“You don’t think Finn likes you?”
“He thinks I’m a kid.”
Oh, that. He kind of did think this and well, she was, but Finn was easy enough to read. He liked her a lot. “He likes you.”
She gave me a hard look, followed by a brief half grin. “Maybe.” Her expression soured. “I’ll grow old and gray waiting for him.”
“I think you’ve got a few good years,” I joked. “Anyway, Finn seems cool with me dating Hailee. I’m the one freaked out about it. She probably has two parents and a dog.”
“I kind of get it but explain,” she softly commanded, stretching out the word explain.
It was pretty straightforward. “I don’t have two parents or a dog.”
“I don’t, either.” Her lips widened into a tight smile which quickly faded. “My life, it’s a mess. My mom’s like a scared little kid. She hardly talks.”
“My mom acts like she’s twelve. Ah, no offense.”
“None taken. This must be my third or fourth life, so I’m way over a hundred.” Our eyes locked and we just smiled at one another for a second. “You can talk to me if you want.” She became overly direct, but I didn’t mind. “Talk.” She nudged my shoulder.
“Okay. My mom’s out on bail, I think… I miss her. She is, um...” The more I said, the easier it became, “an addict I guess. That’s not who she is. She’s really sweet and poetic.” Silence slid closer to me. “I used to get stoned, stole a couple of things, a couple of times.” I couldn’t believe the words that were pouring out. “I don’t know how I thought I could go to the dance with Hailee Palmer.” I looked at her. She listened intently with little frown lines forming by her eyebrows. “I don’t dance.”
She said, “You could go to the dance with Annie. She wouldn’t care if you could dance.”
“Annie?” That surprised me.
“You made that face. That’s not good.”
I made a face? Before I could say anything, Silence started talking again. “Okay, you like Ms. Perfect.” She casually offered, “We can practice dancing if you think it would help.” She stood up. “C’mon.”
I stood up, too. She took a step closer and her hands wrapped around my neck. I put my arms around he
r tiny waist. She started grinning. I let out a nervous laugh. Our faces were close. She smelled like citrus as she sang, “Da Did di Da, da da da,” and we swayed back and forth. It was lame and fun.
Isabella appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Her eyes shined at us, until she asked, “Are you Tommy’s girlfriend?”
We both stepped out of the embrace. “No. This is my friend, Silence.” I motioned to Izzy. “This is my sister, Isabella.”
Izzy tilted her head.
“Nice to meet you,” Silence gushed, “You’re really pretty.”
“Oh yeah, Reese said she’s ready to drive you home.” Izzy studied Silence. “You’re pretty too, real pretty.”
Silence didn’t respond to the compliment. Instead, she said, “Please, tell Reese I just need a couple minutes!” suddenly frantic.
Isabella agreed and ran off.
What was she going to say? She might have gotten the wrong idea. I wasn’t even sure what there was between us.
A tense look flashed across her face, and she briefly grimaced. “This is going to sound crazy, but—” Silence sat down and wrung her hands together. “When my mom was young, this man took her. He kept her for years, a lifetime.” She told me the story without any emotion like she was detached from it. “She named me Silence because that way he would know she’d keep the secret.”
It did sound crazy, but I knew she was telling the truth. Never had a name been more beautiful, or tragic. “Did the guy ever get arrested?”
She shook her head “no.” “My mom hadn’t told anyone, but me and my grandmother. And she doesn’t even know where the house is or the man’s name. Or if she does, she won’t say. He just left her in the woods one day. Not far from our house.” Her voice sounded dreary but removed, even numb. She dropped her head down and looked exhausted.
I blinked to clear my head of fog. “Wow.” I was at a loss. “I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?” I wanted to help her, but I didn’t know how.