by S. E. Rose
“I’m fine,” I mutter.
“I know you are.”
My lip trembles as I wipe my mouth with the back of my sleeve. “I can’t be here,” I say to him as I push him away from me.
“OK. It’s fine.”
“No. You don’t understand. I can’t be here.”
His eyes go wide. “Ash needs you.”
“I know. You think I don’t know that? I’d do anything for him . . . anything, but . . . this,” I motion up at the hospital. “Ash gets out in another day. I can handle a few days, but not forever. I can’t deal with this all the time.”
Brixton
Her words are like a sucker punch to my gut. She means she can’t be with me. She can’t handle me because she can’t handle my world.
“I . . .” I start and trail off, not sure what to say, how to change her mind.
“Brix . . . I want to be with you, but I don’t think I can handle this. That look in your eyes as you left that room, it crushed my soul. It took me back to being there, sick and scared. I can’t do that every day. I don’t think I can be that strong.”
“You can. Look at how you’ve handled Ash. Look at how brave you’ve been coming here nearly every day.”
“But there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I handled it because I knew it was only for a short time.”
And it hits me like a ton of bricks. There’s nothing I can say. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t leave my career. I love it. Even when shitty days like this happen, I still love it.
She places a hand on my cheek as tears spring from her eyes. “I’m sorry.” She pulls away and walks toward the visitor parking lot. I stand there, saying nothing, not moving, because she’s just broken my fucking heart, and yet I can’t be mad at her, not about this.
I sink onto a nearby bench and put my head in my hands. I need to go tell a couple that their son just died. I fucking hate that part of my job. It never gets easier, ever. I guess it shouldn’t, but right now, my fucking heart is a train wreck. I don’t want to lose Lanie. I just don’t know how to make her see that we work, that this thing between us is the real deal.
I let myself sit outside wallowing in my self-pity in the cool night air for a few more minutes. Then, I pull myself together and head inside.
I’ll give her a few days. I’ll let Ash get settled in at her house and then we can talk. I sort of rushed things between us last week. Damn it, I think maybe I shouldn’t have taken Di’s advice. Maybe I should have taken it slower. I silently curse myself for thinking with my dick. I know the nurses already called the parents of my patient to the hospital. We never deliver news of a death over the phone. I head to my office and prep myself for a tough conversation.
Chapter Twenty
Ash’s discharge paperwork is in my hand as I walk into his room the next day. Lanie has brought him new clothes to go home in, and he has a small bag filled with things he’s acquired over his weeks here at the hospital: a few new stuffed animals, games, the tablet for his homework, and some get well cards from his new classmates. Di arranged that.
Ash’s numbers look good, and so does his blood work. He is looking alright for being at this point in his treatment. The next few weeks will be tough as he adjusts to being outside the hospital. It’s also not uncommon for him to end up with a complication that could bring him back here, but I hope that won’t be the case.
“You ready to bust out of this joint?” I ask him.
He looks at me, confused.
I laugh when I realize he doesn’t understand what I said. “You ready to leave the hospital?” I rephrase.
He nods enthusiastically. “Yep.”
“You excited to go stay with Miss Lanie?”
“Yep.”
“You have anything other than ‘yep’ to say?”
“Yep.” He giggles.
I smile at him. “Let’s check you over, OK?” I do a quick exam. I check his chart and see that Dr. Evans also examined him this morning.
“Alright, you are all set. I’ll see you soon, OK?”
I glance over at Lanie, who’s doing her best to avoid eye contact with me. She gave me a meek ‘hello’ when I came into the room and has spent the last five minutes doing something on her phone. I know she’s purposefully avoiding me as best she can in the close quarters of Ash’s hospital room. But even from ten feet away, I can smell her perfume. It’s like her scent is taunting me. I want to take her back into the supply closet and kiss some sense into her.
I take a breath and look over at her until her gaze meets mine. “Let me know if anything changes with him or he has any of the symptoms we’ve gone over.”
“Will do,” she says as she looks at me quickly, then focuses on placing a few more items in the bag for Ash.
“OK, buddy. I’ll see you later.”
Ash jumps off the bed and hugs me. “Thanks, Dr. Brix. You are a really good doctor. Maybe I’ll be a doctor like you when I grow up.”
“You can be whatever you put your mind to,” I tell him.
Lanie nods at me and takes Ash’s hand to lead him out of the room. I watch them go and realize that my heart is going with them. I need a plan to win her back.
Lanie
“This is it,” I say to Ash as I pull into my driveway.
“Wow! You live in a mansion!” Ash says as he looks around.
I press my lips together to keep from laughing. “Not quite, but you’ll have your own bedroom and bathroom.”
Ash’s eyes widen. “My own? Like, no one else lives here?”
I nod. “It’s just me and my cat, Sandy.”
“You have a cat?”
“Yep.”
“Can I see?”
“Of course. Let’s get you settled in, and I’m sure Sandy will come to find us. She likes meeting new people. Heck, she may be waiting at the door.”
Ash gets out of the car and walks toward the side door, where I can see Sandy lying in the sunlight from the window. I grab Ash’s bag. It pains me to think that everything he has fits into one giant backpack and a small travel suitcase. I wanted to cry when Mrs. Collier said he had arrived at her home with a trash bag full of some old clothes and shoes and one stuffed animal.
I bought him a little suitcase and packed up his few belongings. Mrs. Miller had a spare key to Mrs. Collier’s house and let me in to get his things a few days ago. Afterward, I went and bought him some new clothes. Brix bought him a bear dressed like a doctor that he’s been carrying around with him. I even found old Legos in KJ’s basement and brought them over, along with some more board games. Di has given me a bunch of books for the little bookshelf in the guestroom. She helped me find puzzles, educational games, and some fun glow-in-the-dark stars and planets that I figure Ash and I can put up later.
I unlock the door and let Ash enter first.
“This whole house is yours?”
I nod. “Yep.”
“It looks old, but on the inside, it looks new.”
I laugh. “Well, that was what I was aiming for. You want a tour?”
Ash nods. I show him each room and let him walk around and inspect it.
It’s not until we reach his room that he gets excited.
“And this is your room,” I say to him as I open the door.
“That’s my bed!”
“Yep.”
“Whoa! That’s huge! That bed could fit like three or four people. And look at all of the games,” he says as rushes over to the shelf and starts pulling things off of it and examining each one.
“You like it?”
“It’s awesome. Are you sure you’re not rich?”
I laugh. “Nope.”
“Do lawyers make a lot of money?”
“We do pretty well. Why?”
“Because I want a house this big when I grow up.”
“What do you want to be?”
I see his face fall when I ask this, and I feel bad, as though I said something wrong.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, you have plenty of time to think about it.”
“I guess so.”
I open the dresser drawer. “I brought your stuff over from Mrs. Collier’s house, and I picked up a few new things, too. I hope that’s OK.”
He nods but stays focused on the games he has discovered. “Thanks, Miss Lanie.”
I crouch down next to him, getting on my knees. “It’s no problem, Ash. Really. It’s nice to have someone else stay here with me. You’re doing me a big favor by staying here.”
He looks up at me. “Do you get lonely here by yourself?”
“Sometimes,” I admit. I study him for a moment. “Do you get lonely?”
“Not really. There are usually lots of kids in foster homes.”
“Oh . . . I see. Well, if you get bored here by yourself, let me know. There are lots of kids in the neighborhood and even more over by my parents’ house.”
“Your parents live here, too?”
“A few minutes away on the other side of town. And my brothers and sisters all live around town.”
“How many do you have?”
“Brothers and sisters?”
He nods and crosses his legs, placing his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.
“Well, I have a twin sister, Miss Di. You met her.” He nods. “And we have two little brothers and a little sister. Remember when I mentioned Kent to you?”
He nods and grins. “Are they all grownups?”
I grin. “Yep, we are all grownups.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t worry. There’s plenty of kids around here, I promise. How about I go make us some lunch and then maybe we can take a walk and I can show you around a little bit. Or if you get tired, we can put on a movie and go check out the town later.”
“OK.” He pulls out a container of dinosaurs and another with some little race cars. He just stares at them, almost like he doesn’t know what to do.
“Do you want to play with the toys and I’ll come to get you when lunch is ready?”
He shrugs.
I stand to leave but find myself pausing at the door to look back at him. He’s lining the cars up in order of size. I shake my head and decide that Ash might need some lessons on how to be a kid. Poor guy.
I’m contemplating what other games we can play when my phone buzzes. It’s Brix. I press the speaker button and start pulling out turkey and bread for sandwiches.
“Everything went OK?”
I take a deep breath. “Yes. He’s settling in just fine.”
“OK. Good . . . I . . . was just making sure.”
“Everything is fine.” I want to scream that it’s not and that I regret what I said and that I miss him, but I’m chickenshit, so instead, I say, “I guess we’ll see you at the hospital this week.”
“Oh, right. See you at the hospital.”
“Bye,” I say and hang up.
I immediately call Di.
“Hey, what’s up? Ash all settled?”
“Yep. I’m an idiot.”
She giggles. “You just figured that out now?”
“Whatever.”
“And why have you suddenly realized this now?”
“I told Brix that I couldn’t handle being around him because of the hospital, and now I realize that I was wrong and I miss him.”
“Why are you telling me all of this? Go tell him.”
“But how? I basically broke up with him.”
Di sighs. “Stop trying to control everything. Just put your heart out there. What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“He tells me to fuck off.”
“OK, so how’s that different than the current situation?”
“Fine, you’re right. I’m just . . . nervous.”
“You really like him, don’t you?”
“Yep.”
“Good, because I like him, too. And I think he’s good for you.”
“Le sigh. OK. I’ll think about it. I need to feed Ash.”
“Whatcha making?”
“Turkey sandwiches.”
“You should do a movie picnic!”
I freeze and contemplate her suggestion for a brief second. “You’re right.”
“I know. I’m always right.”
“Whatever. Let me go. I need to go set it up.”
“Have fun,” Di says as I hang up and go to get the picnic supplies. It’s a long-standing family tradition. Carpet picnics. Honestly, it was probably a way for my mom to corral five kids, but it worked. Some nights, instead of eating at the kitchen table, my mom would lay out blankets on the family room floor and set up a picnic. We’d watch movies or tell stories. It was fun and different and always enjoyed by every kid. I can’t believe I didn’t think about that.
I cue up a few cartoon movies, and when everything is set up, I call Ash down.
He steps into the kitchen and looks around. I can see his confusion from the family room, and it’s adorable.
“Ash?” I call out, and he turns and peeks around the corner into the family room.
“We’re eating in here?” he asks.
I nod. “Yep. I thought we could have a carpet picnic and watch some movies.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, come on in,” I urge as I pat the floor. He grins and runs over to the carpet. I notice his energy is already better since leaving the hospital. I remember the day I got to leave. It was so nice not having to worry about all the treatments and hospital smells. Just sleeping in my own bed was delightful.
“Lemonade or orange juice?” I ask him, pointing to the options.
“Lemonade.”
I pour us both lemonade while going through our movie options. Ash picks a classic, and we settle down amongst throw pillows and blankets. After lunch, I pull out the popcorn and we get into a massive popcorn fight. We end up ordering pizza and camping out in the family room, building pillow forts and watching cartoons. By seven-thirty, Ash passes out on the floor, so I carry him up to bed.
I’m exhausted and also enjoying having Ash here. It reminds me of the little things. I haven’t built a pillow fort in, like, twenty years, but it’s just as fun and messy as I remember. I stand at the edge of my family room, considering the destruction that was our carpet picnic. There’s popcorn everywhere: on the shelves, the TV stand, on the couch, the coffee table—there are even pieces in the curtains. Pillows and blankets are in disarray, and food is . . . well . . . not just on the blankets anymore. I sigh and grin because it was worth it. It takes me an hour to clean up the family room, but I find myself humming along to cartoon movie music that’s still playing on the television. By the time my head hits the pillow, I pass out from utter exhaustion.
Chapter Twenty-One
“Do you want some Brix?” I ask as I open my pantry to look for food the next morning. Ash woke up early, thus I woke up early.
“Brix?” Ash asks from behind me.
Oh, fuck. I take a deep breath, steadying myself.
“I mean Trix, do you want some Trix cereal?” I pull down a box of my favorite cereal, showing it to him. He cocks his head to one side and crosses his arms.
“You like Dr. Brix! I knew it!”
I shake my head, but I know this kid already has me pegged. He’s too smart for his own good.
“We are just friends, Ash. Now, do you want the cereal or not?”
Ash shrugs. “Sure.”
I see the determined look in his eyes, and I know I haven’t heard the last of it.
“How about I show you around Banneker today?”
“Really?”
I nod as we eat cereal.
“OK. I mean, I’ve seen some of it with Mrs. Collier.” He gets quiet, and I study him.
“What’s wrong, Ash?”
“Is Mrs. Collier OK?”
I smile. “Yep. You want to visit her?”
His eyes light up. “Can I?”
“Of course—I’m sure she’d love to see you. She’s at a rehabilitation
center not far from here. They are helping her get strong so she can go back home. Why don’t I call over there and see if we can stop by this morning and then we can go see my parents’ dogs and have lunch on Main Street if you are up for it? Or we can pick something up to eat and bring it back here for another carpet picnic.”
Kids are resilient, but I also know Ash must be exhausted. I don’t want to overwhelm him with too much at once.
“OK.”
I call the rehab center and make plans to visit. I think it’ll be good for Ash to see her. He needs continuity in his life, and he needs to know not everyone will come and go. Mrs. Collier will still be part of his life, even if he doesn’t live with her, and that will be good for him to see.
I usher Ash to the car, and I let him pick the music, which turns out to be hip hop. We sing along to the catchy tune as I drive.
Visiting the rehab center doesn’t take us long. We catch Mrs. Collier right before she has her physical therapy appointment. Ash tells her all about his new room and our carpet picnic, and we promise to visit again soon. As we go to leave, I can see Ash is tired, so I text my mom to see if she can meet us at the bistro with the dogs.
“I thought we were going to see the dogs?” Ash whines, crossing his arms in defiance as I pull into a parking spot on Main Street.
I turn to him and point toward my mom, who is standing in front of the bistro with her two dogs.
“The dogs have come to us.”
Ash immediately perks up. “Really?”
I nod.
“Like, they are gonna eat with us?”
I grin. “We know the owners. And they are usually well-behaved.” I grimace because that’s only half true.
Ash gets outs of the car before I have a chance to help him unbuckle from his booster seat, which he also whined about. He runs over to my mom.
“Well, hello there. You must be Ashton,” my mom says as she leans down to shake his hand.
“Ash,” he corrects her and looks at the dogs. “May I pet them?”