by Hugh Walpole
I’ve had a headache all day, but then in the afternoon there was a thunderstorm hovering somewhere near and there was no work to do. I feel tired, too, and yet I can’t sleep. Later in the afternoon we were all sitting together, very quiet, not talking. I was thinking about Semyonov then. I wondered whether he felt her death. How had he taken it? Durward would tell me so little. I was so glad, all the same, that he wasn’t here. And yet, in the strangest way, I would like to have spoken to him, to have asked him, if I had dared, a little about her. He was the only man to whom she really gave herself. I don’t grudge him that — but there’s so much that I want to know — and yet I’d die rather than ask him. Die! That’s an old phrase now — death would tell me much more than Semyonov ever could. Just when we were sitting there he came in. It was the most horrible shock. I don’t want to put it melodramatically but that was exactly what it was. I had been thinking of him, thinking even of speaking to him, but I had known at the time that he wasn’t here, that he couldn’t be here — then there he was in the doorway — square and solid and grave and scornful. Now the horrible thing is that the moment I realised him I felt afraid. I didn’t feel anger or hatred or fine desires for revenge — anything like that — simply a miserable contemptible fear. It seems that as soon as I climb out of one fear I tumble into another. They are not physical now, but worse!
Later. The last bit seems rather silly. But I’ll leave it.... As to Semyonov. Of course he was very quiet and scornful with all of us. He told Durward that he’d come to take his place and Durward went without a word, Semyonov went off then with Nikitin, looking about, and making suggestions! He changed some things but not very much. We had been pretty intimate, all of us, before he came. I had really felt this last day that Vladimir Stepanovitch and Andrey Vassilievitch were understood by me. Russians come and go so. At one moment they are close to you, intimate, open-hearted, then suddenly they shut up, are miles away, look at you with distrust and suspicion. So with these two. On Semyonov’s arrival they changed absolutely. He shut them up of course. We were all as gloomy at supper as though we were deadly enemies. But the worst thing was at night. Durward and I had slept in one little room, Vladimir Stepanovitch and Andrey Vassilievitch in another. Of course Semyonov took Durward’s bed. There was nowhere else for him to go. I don’t know what he thought about it. Of course he said nothing. He talked a little about ordinary things and I answered stupidly as I always do with him. I hated the solemn way he undressed. He was a long time cleaning his teeth, making noises in his mouth as though he were laughing at me. Then he sat on his bed, naked except for his shirt, combing his moustache and beard very carefully with a pocket-comb. He was so thick and solid and scornful, not looking at me exactly, just staring in front of him. There was no sound except his comb scraping through his beard. The room was so small and he seemed absolutely to fill it, so that I felt really flattened against the wall. It was as though he were showing me deliberately how much finer a man he was than I, how much stronger his body, that he could do anything with me if he liked. He asked me, very politely, whether I’d mind blowing out the candle and I did it at once. He watched me as I walked across the floor and I felt ashamed of my thinness and my ugliness and I know that he knew that I was ashamed. After the light was blown out I heard him settle into his bed with a great heavy plop. I couldn’t sleep for a long time, and at every movement that he made I felt as though he were laughing at me. And yet with all this I had also the strangest impulse to get up, there in the dark, to walk across the room, to put my hand on his shoulder and to ask him about her. What would he do? He’d refuse to speak, I suppose. I should only get insulted — and yet.... He must be thinking of her — all the time just as I am. He must want to talk of her and I know her better than any one else did. And perhaps if I once broke down his pride ... and yet every time that his body moved and the bed creaked I felt that I hated him, that I never wanted to speak to him again, that.... Oh! but I’m ashamed of myself. He is right to despise me....
Saturday, July 31st. It is just midnight. I am on duty to-night. Everything is quiet and there are not likely I think to be any more wounded until the morning. I am sitting in the room where they brought Marie. It’s strange to think of that, and when you’re sitting with a candle in a dark room you can imagine anything. It’s odd in this affair how little things affect one. There’s a book here, a “Report on New Mexico.” I looked at it idly the other day and now I’m for ever picking it up. It always opens at the same page and I find myself thinking, speculating about it in a ridiculous manner. I shall throw the thing away to-morrow, but I know the page by heart anyway. It’s an account of the work of some school or other. Here are a few of the lectures that were given:
Mr. Fred. A. Bush. What the Community owes the Newspaper and what the Newspaper owes the Community. — Rev. I. R. Glass. Fools. — Hon. W. T. Cessna. Don’t Pay too dearly for the Whistle. — Prof. Wellington Putman. Rip van Winkle. — Rev. R. S. Hanshaw. The Mind’s Picture Gallery.
Then they acted Othello — The “Normal Students,” whoever they may be. Othello, E. F. Dunlavey. Iago — Douglas Giffard. Desdemona — Carrie Whitehill. Emilia — Gussie Rodgers.... Afterwards I see that Miss Gussie Rodgers gave a lecture on the Anglo-Saxon in Literature. She must have been a clever young woman. Then I see that they decorated one of their rooms with “a large number of carbon prints of celebrated paintings,” “the class picture being the most important and costing in the neighbourhood of $100 — this is the hunting scene of Ruysdael....” Also they added to their Museum “manufactured articles from abroad illustrative of the habits and customs of foreigners.”
Now isn’t that all incredible after the day that I’ve had? Where do the things join? What’s all that got to do with the horrors I’ve been through to-day, with the Forest, the cholera, Marie, Semyonov.... With all that’s happening in Europe? With this mad earthquake of a catastrophe? And yet one thinks of such silly things. I can see them doing Othello with their cheap ermine, bad jewellery and impossible wigs. I expect Othello’s black came off as he got hotter and hotter; and the Rev. I. R. Glass on “Fools”.... There’d be all the cheap morality— “It’s better, my young friends, to be good than to be bad. It pays better in the end” — and there’d be little stories, sentimental some of them and humorous some of them. There’d be a general titter of laughter at the humorous ones.... And the carbon prints, the “Ruysdael” always pointed out to visitors ... and after the war it will all be going on again. At Polchester, too, they’ll be having cheap lectures in the Town-Hall and Shakespeare Readings and High-School Prize-givings.... Where’s the Connexion between That and This? Where’s the permanent thing in us that goes on whatever life may do to us? Is life still beautiful and noble in spite of whatever man may do with it, or is Semyonov right and there is no meaning in my love for Marie, nothing real and true except the things we see with our eyes, hear with our ears? Is Semyonov right, or are Nikitin, Andrey Vassilievitch and I?... And now let me stick to facts. I left this morning about six with twenty wagons to fetch wounded. Such a wonderful summer morning — the Forest quite incredibly beautiful, birds singing in thousands, and that strange little stream that runs near our house and can look so abominable when it pleases, was trembling and lovely as though it didn’t know what evil was. We got to the first Red Cross place about eight. Here was Krylov. What a good fellow! Always cheerful, always kindhearted, nothing can dismay him. A Russian type that’s common enough in spite of all the “profound pessimism of the Russian heart” that we’re always hearing of. There he was anyway, working like a butcher before a feast-day. Dirty looking barn they were working in and it smelt like hell. Cannon pretty close too. They say the Austrians are fearfully strong just here and of course our ammunition is climbing down to less than nothing — looks as though we were going to have a hot time soon. I turned in and helped Krylov all the morning and somehow his fat, ugly face, his little exclamations, his explosive comical rages, his sudden rough kindnesses did o
ne a world of good. We filled the wagons and sent them back, then about midday, under a blazing hot sun, we went on with the others. Is there any place in the globe hot and suffocating quite as this Forest is? Even in the open spaces one can’t breathe and there’s never any proper shade under the trees. At first we were at a loss, No one seemed quite to know where the Vengrovsky Polk were. I had to go on alone and reconnoitre. I was right out in the open then and more alone than one could believe. Cannon were blazing away and one battery seemed just behind me — and yet I couldn’t see it. I could see nothing — only great ridges of hills with the Forest like gigantic torrents of green water under the mist, and just at my feet cornfields thick with cornflowers. Then I saw rather a wonderful thing. I came to the edge of my hill and looked down into a cup of a valley, quite a little valley with the green waves towering on every side of it. Through the mist there shimmered below me a blue lake. I was puzzled — there was no water here that I knew, but by this time the Forest has so bewitched my senses that I’m ready to believe anything of it. There it was, anyway, a blue lake, shifting a little under gold haze. I climbed down the hill a yard or two and then you can believe that I jumped! My blue lake was Austrian prisoners, nothing more nor less! Has any one quite seen them like that before, I wonder, and isn’t this Forest really the old witch’s forest, able to do what it pleases with anything? There they were, hundreds of them, covering the whole floor of the little valley. I walked down into the middle of them, found an officer, asked him about wounded, and got directed some two versts in front of me. Then I climbed up the hill back to my wagons and we started off. We went down the hill round by the road and came to the prisoners, crossed a stream and plunged into a shining dazzling nightmare. Where the cannon were I don’t know — all a considerable distance away, I suppose, because the only sign of shell were the little breaking puffs of smoke in the blue sky with just a pin-flash of light as they broke; but really amongst that welter of wooded hill the sounds were uncanny. They’d be under one’s feet, over one’s head, in one’s ear, up against one’s stomach, straight in the small of one’s back. Since my night with Nikitin physical fear really seems to have left me — the whole outward paraphernalia of the war has become an entirely commonplace thing, but it was the Forest that I felt — exactly as though it were playing with me. Wasn’t there an old mediæval torture when they shot arrows at their victim, always just missing him, first on one side, then on another, until at last, tired of the game, they fixed him through the head? Well, that’s what the old beast was trying to do to me, anything to doubt what’s real and what is not, anything to make me question my senses.... We tumbled quite suddenly on to some men, a small Red Cross shelter and two or three hundred soldiers sitting under the trees by the road resting — most of them sleeping. The doctor in the Red Cross place — a small fussy man — was ill-tempered and overworked. There were at least thirty dead men lying in a row outside the shelter, and the army sanitars were bringing in more wounded every minute. “Why weren’t there more wagons? What was the use of coming with so few? Where was the other doctor, some one or other who ought to have relieved him?” There he was, like a little monkey on wires, dancing up and down in the blazing road, his arms covered with blood, pincers in one hand and bandages in the other and the inside of his shelter with such a green, filthy smell coming out of it that you’d think the roof would burst! I filled seven of my wagons, sent them back and went forward with the remaining three. We were climbing now, up through the Forest road, the shell, very close, making a terrific noise, and in between the scream of the shell the birds singing like anything!
The road turned the corner and then we were in the middle of it! Now here’s the worst thing I’ve seen with my eyes since I came to the war — worst thing I shall ever see perhaps. One looks back, you know, to one of those old average afternoons at Polchester, my father coming back from golf, I myself going into the old red-walled garden for tea, with some novel under my arm, the cathedral bell ringing for Evensong just over the wall across the Green, then slowly dropping to its close, then the faint murmur of the organ. Some bird twittering in a tree overhead, buttered toast in a neat pile placed carefully over hot water to keep it warm; honey, heavy home-made cake, perhaps the local weekly paper with the “Do you know that ...” column demanding one’s critical attention. One’s annoyed because to-morrow some tiresome fellow’s coming to luncheon, because one wishes to buy some china that one can’t afford, because the wife of the Precentor said to the Dean’s sister that young Trenchard would be an old man in a year or two.... One sips one’s tea, the organ leads the chants, the sun sinks below the wall.... That! This! ... there’s the Forest road hot like red-hot iron under the sun; it winds away into the Forest, but so far as the eye can see it is covered with things that have been left by flying men — such articles! Swords, daggers, rifles, cartridge-cases, of course, but also books, letters, a hair-brush, underclothes, newspapers, these tilings in thick, tangled profusion, rifles in heaps, cartridge-cases by the hundred! Under the sun up and down the road there are dead and dying, Russians and Austrians together. The Forest is both above and below the road and from out of it there comes a continual screaming. There is every note in this babel of voices, mad notes, plaintive notes, angry notes, whimpering notes. One wounded man is very slowly trying to drag himself across the road, and his foot which is nearly severed from his leg waggles behind him. One path that leads from the road to the Forest is piled with bodies and is a stream of blood. Some of the dead are lying very quietly in the ditch, their heads pillowed on their arms — every now and then something that you had thought dead stirs.... And the screaming from the Forest is incessant so that you simply don’t hear the shell (now very close indeed)....
There is, you know, that world somewhere with the Rev. Someone lecturing on Fools and “the class ‘Ruysdael’ costing in the neighbourhood of $100.” At least, it’s very important if I’m to continue to keep my head steady that I should know that it is there!
It seemed that we were the first Red Cross people to arrive. Oh! what rewards would I have offered for another ten wagons! How lamentably insufficient our three carts appeared standing there in the road with this screaming Forest on every side of one! As I waited there, overwhelmed by the blind indifference of the place, listening still to the incredible birds, seeing in the businesslike attentions of my sanitars only a further incredible indifference, a great stream of soldiers came up the road, passing into the first line of trenches, only a little deeper in the Forest. They were very hot, the perspiration dripping down their faces, but they went through to the position without a glance at the dead and wounded. No concern of theirs — that. Life had changed; they had changed with it.... Meanwhile they did as they were told....
We worked there, filling our wagons. The selection was a horrible difficulty. All the wounded were Austrians and how they begged not to be left! It would be many hours, perhaps, before the next Red Cross Division would appear. An awful business! One man dying in the wood tore at his stomach with an unceasing gesture and the air came through his mouth like gas screaming through an “escape” hole. One Austrian, quite an old man, died in my arms in the middle of the road. He was not conscious, but he fumbled for his prayer-book, which he gave me, muttering something. His name “Schneidher Gyorgy Pelmonoster” was written on the first page.
We started for home at length. Our drive back was terrible. I find that I cannot linger any longer over this affair. Our carts drove over rough stones and ruts and we were four hours on the journey. Our wounded screamed all the way — one man died.... My candle is nearly out. I must find another. In one of its frantic leaps just now I fancied that I saw Marie standing near the door. She looked just as she always did, very kind though smiling.... Of course it was only the candle. I must be careful not to encourage these fancies. But God! how lonely I am to-night! I realise, I suppose, that there isn’t one single living soul in the world who cares whether I die to-night or not — not one. Durward w
ill remember me, perhaps. No one else. And Marie would have cared. Yes, even married to Semyonov she would have cared — and remembered. And I could always have cared for her, been her friend, as she asked me. I’m pretty low to-night. If I could sleep.... Boof!... There goes the candle!
Wednesday, August 4th.... I am growing accustomed, I suppose, to Semyonov’s company. After all, his contempt for me is an old thing, dating from the very first moment that he ever saw me. It has become now a commonplace to both of us. He is very silent now compared with the old days. There has been much work yesterday and to-day, but still last night I could not sleep. I think that he also did not sleep and we both lay there in the dark, thinking, I suppose, of the same thing. I thought even of myself, my sense of humour has never been very strong, but I can at any rate see that I am no very fine figure in life, and that whether such a man as I live or die can be of no great importance to any one or anything, but I do most truly desire not to make more of the matter than is just. A man may have felt himself the most insignificant and useless of human creatures all his days, but face him with death and he becomes, by very force of the contrast, something of a figure.