by Hugh Walpole
But what more Thurston may have said Martin did not hear: he had left the room, banging the door behind him. On what was his indignation based? Injured pride. And was he really indignant? Was not something within him elated, because by this he had been offered his freedom? Thurston marry his sister? ... He could go his own way now. Even his father could not expect him to remain.
And he wanted Maggie — urgently, passionately. Standing for a moment there in the dark passage he wanted her. He was lonely, disregarded, despised.
They did not care for him here, no one cared for him anywhere — only Maggie who was clear-eyed and truthful and sure beyond any human being whom he had ever known. Then, with a very youthful sense of challenging this world that had so grossly insulted him by admitting Thurston into the heart of it, he joined the tea-party. There in the pink, close, sugar-smelling, soft atmosphere sat his mother, Amy, Mrs. Alweed and little Miss Pyncheon. His mother, with her lace cap and white hair and soft plump hands, was pouring tea through a strainer as though it were a rite. On her plate were three little frilly papers that had held sugary cakes, on her lips were fragments of sugar. Amy, in an ugly grey dress, sat severely straight upon a hard chair and was apparently listening to Miss Pyncheon, but her eyes, suspicious and restless, moved like the eyes of a newly captured animal. Mrs. Alweed, stout in pink with a large hat full of roses, smiled and smiled, waiting only for a moment when she could amble off once again into space safe on the old broad back of her family experiences, the only conversational steed to whose care she ever entrusted herself. She had a son Hector, a husband, Mr. Alweed, and a sister-in-law, Miss Alweed; she had the greatest confidence in the absorbed attention of the slightest of her acquaintances. “Hector, he’s my boy, you know — although why I call him a boy I can’t think — because he’s twenty-two and a half — he’s at Cambridge, Christs College — well, this morning I had a letter ...” she would begin. She began now upon Martin. His mind wandered. He looked about the little room and thought of Thurston. Why was he not more angry about it all? He had pretended to be indignant, he had hated Thurston as he stood there ... But had he? Half of him hated him. Then with a jerk Thurston’s words came back to him: “There’s two of each of us, that’s the truth of it.” “Two of each of us ...” Sitting there, listening to Mrs. Alweed’s voice that flowed like a river behind him, he saw the two figures, saw them quite clearly and distinctly, flesh and blood, even clothes and voices and smile. And he knew that all his life these two figures had been growing, waiting for the moment when he would recognise them. One figure was the Martin whom he knew — brown, healthy, strong and sane; a figure wearing his clothes, his own clothes, the tweeds and the cloths, the brogues and the heavy boots, the soft untidy hats; the figure was hard, definite, resolute, quarrelling, arguing, loving, joking, swearing all in the sensible way. It was a figure that all the world had understood, that had been drunk often enough, lent other men money, been hard-up and extravagant and thoughtless. “A good chap.” “A sensible fellow.” “A pal.” “No flies on Warlock.” That was the kind of figure. And the life had been physical, had never asked questions, had never known morbidity, had lived on what it saw and could touch and could break ... And the other figure! That was, physically, less plainly seen. No, there it was, standing a little away from the other, standing away, contemptuously, despising it, deriding it. Fat, soft, white hanging cheeks, wearing anything to cover its body, but shining in some way through the clothes, so that it was body that you saw. A soft body, hands soft and the colour of the flesh pale and unhealthy. But it was the eyes that spoke: the mouth trembled and was weak, the chin was fat and feeble, but the eyes lived, lived — were eager, fighting, beseeching, longing, captive eyes!
And this figure, Martin knew, was a prey to every morbid desire, rushed to sensual excess and then crept back miserably to search for some spiritual flagellation. Above all, it was restless, as some one presses round a dark room searching for the lock of the door, restless and lonely, cowardly and selfish, but searching and sensitive and even faithful, faithful to something or to some one ... pursued also by something or some one. A figure to whom this world offered only opportunities for sin and failure and defeat, but a figure to whom this world was the merest shadow hiding, as a shade hides a lamp, the life within. Wretched enough with its bad health, its growing corpulence, its weak mouth, its furtive desires, but despising, nevertheless, the strong, healthy figure beside it. Thurston was right. Men are not born to be free, but to fight, to the very death, for the imprisonment and destruction of all that is easiest and most physically active and most pleasant to the sight and touch ...
“And so Hector really hopes that he’ll be able to get down to us for Christmas, although he’s been asked to go on this reading party. Of course, it’s simply a question as to whether he works better at home or with his friends. If he were a weak character, I think Mr. Alweed would insist in his coming home, but Hector really cares for his work more than anything. He’s never been very good at games; his short sight prevents him, poor boy, and as he very justly remarked, when he was home last holidays, ‘I don’t see, mother, how I am going to do my duty as a solicitor (that’s what he hopes to be) if I don’t work now. Many men regard Cambridge as a time for play. Not so I.’”
“But I hope that if Hector comes home this Christmas he’ll attend the Chapel services. The influence your father might have on such a boy as Hector, Mr. Warlock, a boy, sensitive and thoughtful ... I was saying, Miss Pyncheon, that Hector—”
Miss Pyncheon was the soul of good-nature — but she was much more than that. She was by far the most sensible, genial, and worldly of the Inside Saints; it was, in fact, astonishing that she should be an Inside Saint at all.
Of them all she impressed Martin the most, because there was nothing of the crank about her. She went to theatres, to the seaside in the summer, took in The Queen, and was a subscriber to Boots’ Circulating Library. She dressed quietly and in excellent taste — in grey or black and white. She had jolly brown eyes and a dimple in the middle of her chin. She was ready to discuss any question with any one, was marvellously broad-minded and tolerant, and although she was both poor and generous, always succeeded in making her little flat in Soho Square pretty and attractive.
Her chief fault, perhaps, was that she cared for no one especially — she had neither lovers nor parents nor sisters nor brothers, and to all her friends she behaved with the same kind geniality, welcoming one as another. She was thus aloof from them all and relied upon no one. The centre of her life was, of course, her religion, but of this she never spoke, although strangely enough no one doubted the intensity of her belief and the reality of her devotion.
She was a determined follower of Mr. Warlock; what he said she believed, but here, too, there seemed to be no personal attachment. She did not allow criticism of him in her own presence, but, on the other hand, she never spoke as though it would distress her very greatly to lose him. He was a sign, a symbol ... If one symbol went another could be found.
To Martin she was the one out-standing proof of the reality of the Chapel. All the others — his sister, Miss Avies, Thurston, Crashaw, the Miss Cardinals, yes, and his father too, were, in one way or another, eccentric, abnormal, but Miss Pyncheon was the sane every-day world, the worldly world, the world of drinks and dinners, and banks and tobacconists, and yet she believed as profoundly as any of them. What did she believe? She was an Inside Saint, therefore she must have accepted this whole story of the Second Coming and the rest of it. Of course women would believe anything ... Nevertheless ...
He scarcely listened to their chatter. He was forcing himself not to look at his sister, and yet Thurston’s news seemed so extraordinary to him that his eye kept stealing round to her to see whether she were still the same. Could she have accepted him, that bounder and cad and charlatan? He felt a sudden cold chill of isolation as though in this world none of the ordinary laws were followed. “By God, I am a stranger here,” he thought. It was
not until after dinner that night that he was alone with his father. He had resolved on many fine things in the interval. He was going to “have it out with him,” “to put his foot down,” “to tell him that such a thing as Thurston’s marriage to his sister was perfectly impossible.” And then, for the thousandth time since his return to England he felt strangely weak and irresolute. He did wish to be “firm” with his father, but it would have been so much easier to be firm had he not been so fond of him. “Soft, sentimental weakness,” he called it to himself, but he knew that it was something deeper than that, something that he would never be able to deny.
He went into his father’s study that night with a strange dismal foreboding as though he were being drawn along upon some path that he did not want to follow. What was his father mixed up with all this business for? Why were such men as Thurston in existence? Why couldn’t life be simple and straightforward with people like his father and himself and that girl Maggie alone somewhere with nothing to interfere? Life was never just as you wanted it, always a little askew, a little twisted, cynically cocking its eye at you before it vanished round the corner? He didn’t seem to be able to manage it. Anyway, he wasn’t going to have that fellow Thurston marrying his sister.
He found his father lying back in his arm-chair fast asleep, looking like a dead man, his long thin face pale with fatigue, his eyelids a dull grey, his mouth tightly closed as though in a grim determination to pursue some battle. And at the sight of him thus worn out and beaten Martin’s affection flooded his heart. He stood opposite his father looking at him and loving him more deeply than he had ever done before.
“I will take him away from all this,” was his thought, “these Thurstons and all — out of all this ... We’ll go off abroad somewhere. And I’ll make him fat and happy.”
Then his father suddenly woke up, with a start and a cry: “Where am I?” ... Then he suddenly saw Martin. “Martin,” he said, smiling.
Martin smiled back and then began at once: “Father, this isn’t true about Thurston, is it?”
He saw, as he had often done before, that his father had to call himself up from some world of vision before he could realise even his surroundings. Martin he recognised intuitively with the recognition of the spirit, but he seemed to take in the details of the room slowly, one by one, as though blinded by the light.
“Ah — I’ve been dreaming,” he said, still smiling at Martin helplessly and almost timidly. “I’m so tired these days — suddenly — I usen’t to be ...” He put his hand to his forehead, then laid it on Martin’s knee, and the strength and warmth of that seemed suddenly to fill him with vigour.
“You’re never tired, are you?” he asked as a child might ask an elder.
“Very seldom,” answered Martin, “I say, father, what is all this about Thurston?”
“Thurston ... Why, what’s he been doing?”
“He says he’s engaged to Amy.” The disgust of the idea made Martin’s words, against his will, sharp and angry.
“Does he? ... Yes, I remember. He spoke to me about it.”
“Of course it’s simply his infernal cheek ...”
Mr. Warlock sighed. “I don’t know, I’m sure. Amy seemed to wish it.”
Martin felt then more strongly than before the Something that drove him. It said to him: “Now, then ... here’s a thing for you to make a row about — a big row. And then you can go off with Maggie.” But, on the other hand, there was Something that said: “Don’t hurt him. Don’t hurt him. You may regret it all your life if ...”
If what? He didn’t know. He was always threatened with regretting things all his life. The blow was always going to fall. And that pleasant very British phrase came back to him, “He would put his foot down” — however — he was very angry — very angry.
He burst out: “Oh, but that’s absurd, father. Impossible — utterly. Thurston in the family? Why, you must see yourself how monstrous it would be. Amy’s got some silly, sentimental whim and she’s got to be told that it won’t do. If you ask me, I don’t think Amy’s improved much since I was away. But that’s not the question. The idea of Thurston’s disgusting. You can’t seriously consider it for a minute...”
“Why is Thurston disgusting, my boy?”
Martin hated to be called “my boy” — it made him feel so young and dependent.
“You’ve only got to look at him!” Martin jumped up, disregarding his father’s hand, and began to stamp about the room. “He’s a cad — he’s not your friend, father. He isn’t, really. He’d like to out you from the whole thing if he could. He thinks you’re old-fashioned and behind the times, and all he thinks about is bringing in subscriptions and collecting new converts. He’s like one of those men who beat drums outside tents in a fair ... He’s a sickening man! He doesn’t believe in his religion or anything else. I should think he’s crooked about money, and immoral probably too. You’re much too innocent, father. You’re so good and trustful yourself that you don’t know how these fellows are doing you in. There’s a regular plot against you and they’d be most awfully pleased if you were to retire. They’re not genuine like you. They simply use the Chapel for self-advertisement and making money. Of course there are some genuine ones like the Miss Cardinals, but Thurston’s an absolute swindler ...”
He stopped short at that. He had said more than he had intended and he was frightened suddenly. He swung round on his heel and looked at his father.
“Come here, Martin.” He came across the room. “Closer. Now, tell me. We’re good friends, aren’t we?”
“Of course, father.”
He put his hand on his son’s shoulder. “Do you know that I love you more than anything in the whole world? More, I’m sometimes terribly afraid, than God Himself. I can’t help myself. I love you, Martin, so that it’s like hunger or thirst ... It’s the only earthly passion that I’ve ever had. And I’ll tell you another thing. It’s the one terror of my earthly life that you’ll leave me. Now that I’ve got you back I’m afraid every time you go out of the house that you’ll run away, round the corner, and never come back again. I love you and I’m not going to let you go again. — Not until — until — the Time has come ... What does it matter to you and me what Thurston and Amy do? God will come and He will find us both together — you and I — and He will take us up and keep us together and we shall never be separated any more ... I love your strength, Martin, your happiness, your youth — all the things I’ve never had. And you’re not going to leave me, not though Amy married a hundred Thurstons ...”
Mr. Warlock’s grip on his son’s shoulder was iron.
Martin bent down and sat on the arm of his dusty leather chair to bring himself on to the same level. He put his arm round his father and drew him close to him. Maggie, Life, Money, Adventure — everything seemed to draw away from him and he saw himself, a little boy, pattering on bare feet down the aisle towards the font — just as though a spell had been cast over him.
They sat close together in silence. Then slowly the thought of Thurston came back again. Martin drew away a little.
“All the same, father,” he said, “Thurston mustn’t marry Amy.”
“They’re only engaged. There’s no question of marriage yet.”
“Then they are engaged?” Martin drew right away, standing up again.
“Oh, yes, they’re engaged.”
“Then I’m not going to stand it. I tell you I won’t stay here if Thurston marries Amy.”
Mr. Warlock sighed. “Well then, let’s leave it, my boy. I daresay they’ll never marry.”
“No. I won’t have it. It’s too serious to leave.”
His father’s voice was sharper suddenly.
“Well, we won’t talk about it just now, Martin, if you don’t mind.”
“But I must. You can’t leave a thing like that. Thurston will simply own the place ...”
“I tell you, Martin, to leave it alone.” They were both angry now.
“And I tell you,
father, that if you let Thurston marry Amy I leave the house and never come back again.”
“Isn’t that rather selfish of you? You’ve been away all these years. You’ve left us to ourselves. You come back suddenly without seeing how we live or caring and then you dictate to us what we’re to do. How can you expect us to listen?”
“And how can you expect me to stay?” Martin broke into a torrent of words: “I’m miserable here and you know that I am. Mother and Amy hate me and you’re always wrapped up in your religion. What kind of a place is it for a fellow? I came back meaning that you and I should be the best pals father and son have ever been, but you wouldn’t come out with me — you only wanted to drag me in. You tell me always to wait for something. To wait for what? I don’t know. And nobody here does seem to know. And I can’t wait for ever. I’ve got to lead my own life and if you won’t come with me I must go off by myself—”
He was following his own ideas now — not looking at his father at all. “I’ve discovered since I’ve been home that I’m not the sort of fellow to settle down. I suppose I shall go on wandering about all my days. I’m not proud of myself, you know, father. I don’t seem to be much good to any one, but the trouble is I don’t want to be much better. I feel as though it wouldn’t be much good if I did try. I can’t give up my own life — for nobody — not even for you — and however rotten my own life is I’d rather lead it than some one else’s.”
He stopped and then went on quietly, as though he were arguing something out with himself: “The strange thing is that I do feel this place has got a kind of a hold on me. When you remind me of what I was like as a kid I go right back and feel helpless as though you could do anything with me you like. All the same I don’t believe in this business, father — all this Second Coming and the rest of it. We’re in the Twentieth Century now, you know, and everybody knows that that kind of thing is simply impossible. Only an old maid or two ... Why, I don’t believe you believe in it really, father. That’s why you’re so keen on making me believe. But I don’t; it’s no use. You can’t make me. I don’t believe there’s any God at all. If there were a God he’d let a fellow have more free will ...”