by Dalia Wright
“There is something still troubling you, is there not?”
Ruth bit her lip. She was not sure she wanted to confess to him just how troubled she was. “I just… the future has been on my mind a lot.”
She said it without thinking, as if someone had forced her to say it. Ruth’s cheeks burned a deep red.
“What about it?”
Should she just brush it off and pretend she hadn’t said it? Nee. She had said it, so she should keep talking.
“It’s just… everyone is finding the person that they love… they are getting married and families are on their mind….” And there she was without a single hope of a family, no matter how much she wanted one. No matter how much she wanted one.
“And you have been thinking about the same things?”
“Jah, but it’s just me, not anyone else to think about them with.”
What if she never found someone that loved her? What if she never found someone to start a life with? If she was left without a husband and family forever? What would I do then?
Jacob reached out and touched her hand gently. “Try not to worry, Gott has a plan for you.” She knew that was what he would say. She gave him a smile.
“I know…”
“I understand, it is hard to have faith in him. It can be hard to let Gott take full control but he has something in store for you. Maybe he has even put his plans into action. It will take time to tell.”
Ruth knew he was right, but she didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t want to admit that she might have to wait for Gott to be ready for her to find the man she was supposed to be with. I don’t want to wait. Ruth wanted to find him now. She knew it was selfish.
“I know, it’s hard to keep faith sometimes.” Jacob’s words shocked her.
Ruth turned to him. Had it been that obvious? Ruth felt her cheeks burn a deeper shade of pink. “It’s not that I don’t have faith… I just…” No, she couldn’t say that out loud. She just couldn’t understand why Gott hadn’t included her in his plans, or why he was making her wait. Have I not proven myself? She wondered. This wasn’t the first time she’d wondered that, and even though she knew it was wrong to wonder she couldn’t help it. She found comfort in the church and she found comfort in being with Gott, but maybe that wasn’t enough. Maybe there was something she had to do to prove herself that she had yet to figure out. Maybe… whatever she was doing wasn’t enough. Ruth hated to think like that, but she wasn’t sure what else it could be. She took a deep breath and bit back the tears that wanted to overwhelm her.
“Ruth, you are one of the most dedicated women your age and Gott has not forgotten you. But sometimes the best things take the longest.”
Ruth nodded. She knew he was right. She knew that if she put her faith in Gott he would pull through for her.
“Danka,” she whispered softly, feeling better. She turned and gave him a soft smile. She couldn’t put into words how many times Jacob had helped her. She was sure that was part of the reason she had feelings for him. “You truly are an amazing man. We’re lucky to have you here. I’m lucky to have you.”
This time it was Jacob’s cheeks that went pink. He looked away from her, hoping to hide the blush.
“I just do what I can,” he said with a shrug. But she could tell it had made him happy.
Ruth smiled, her heart filling with joy as she was able to bring someone else happiness. She bit her lip. Although her job here was done, she didn’t want to leave. She wanted to stay here with Jacob, whether it was the church or him she was not sure what made her want to stay more. Taking a deep breath, Ruth pushed herself to her feet.
“Are you leaving so soon?” Did he sound upset?
“I… was going to, unless there is something else that you need help with?”
“Jah, if you have the time.”
“Of course.”
His cheeks flushed as he sat there for a couple of seconds, not saying a word.
Jacob had no clue why he had lied to her, but the truth was he had no clue what he needed her help with. He just liked having the company, honestly. “It won’t be a fun job, but I could use the floors washed,” he said hesitantly.
“Oh, that’s no trouble. I’d be happy to help.”
Jacob smiled as he watched Ruth smile widely. She knew where the mop and the bucket were but Jacob followed her towards the closet nonetheless. He watched as she filled the bucket, watching as she stretched her arms over her head and sucked in a deep breath.
Jacob took in a deep breath of his own. He was a learned man and he knew much about the world; he also knew what lust felt like.
He looked away from Ruth quickly. She is just a little girl. He thought as he turned away from her. “I’ll be in my room, if there is anything you need.” He said before crossing over to the door marked Privet.
Once in his room he let out a soft sigh and looked around. He crossed over to the photo album that he had pulled out last night while thinking about the past. His teeth bit down on the inside of his cheek. Being here, he knew he was a fraud but he did not dare come clean about it. He had come to love this place more than he could put into words. The people had welcomed him with open arms, although they might not have if they had known the full truth about him.
His old community had been kind enough to help him and those who had interviewed him when he came here, had been kind enough to keep his secrets but he was not sure what would happen if everyone found out. He dreaded the idea of knowing. Would Ruth care? He knew the thought was wrong as soon as he thought it. She was a young girl. He knew she must be five or six years younger than her, maybe even more. He had never thought to ask her.
It would be odd to his old friends that he could find a fully covered woman lustful. It might even be odd to them that he would want to come somewhere like this, but he hadn’t thought about those friends in a long time. Not since the night they had almost killed him.
Ruth moved the bucket along with her. Although she was used to mopping floors, she was not used to them being this dirty. The church floor obviously got a lot of use.
She looked up as the door opened and closed. Emily looked around nervously, her hand touching the back of her neck.
“Emily,” Ruth said closing the distance between them. “What are you doing here?”
Emily’s eyes went wide. She stared at Ruth. “What… I… I was here to speak to someone that’s all. What are you doing here?”
“Just helping. I believe Jacob is the only one here… would you like me to get him for you?” She glanced to the door he had gone into just as it opened.
“Emily. Have you come to talk?” Jacob asked, closing the distance between them.
Ruth saw the smile spread across Emily’s lips. She saw the way the girl’s eyes lit up. “Jah, but I didn’t realize you had company. I can come back.”
“Nee, come we can talk in another room if you want to be sure no one overhears.” He motioned for her to follow him. Emily gave Ruth a wide smile.
Ruth’s brow furrowed. She hadn’t had much experience with dating, but she could have sworn the way Email looked at Jacob was the same was she looked at Nathan - her soon-to-be husband. Ruth mentally shook herself. I shouldn’t think such things. To even think for a second that they could be doing something so wrong… Ruth knew that Gott would not approve. It was not her place to pass judgment on others and she knew it. Turning her attention back to mopping the floors, Ruth couldn’t help her mind from wandering towards the two people in another room. So close, but she still couldn’t hear them. The urge to go see what they were talking about overwhelmed her. Spying, she thought. Nee, that is just wrong.
Working hard to wash the floors, Ruth managed to form a small amount sweat on her brow by the time she heard the door open. Emily stepped out of the room. She looked worried. Jacob, on the other than, looked calm. He leaned forward and said something to her. She smiled as she nodded and made her way to the exit. As she passed Ruth, she gave Ruth a quick smile but did
n’t make eye contact. Ruth returned the smile.
I wonder what that was about, she thought. What could have been so important and so privet that they could not talk in front of her? Sure, Emily and Ruth were not good friends, but what could she be worried about people discovering? So many things rushed through Ruth’s mind – none of them good, and most of them things that she should be punished for even thinking.
“Danka.”
Jacob’s voice snapped her back to reality. Ruth sucked in a deep breath, turning to see him standing close to her. His brown eyes sparkled as he stared at her.
“Ach, you’re welcome. I was glad to help.”
“I’m not sure how I managed without you.”
The compliment brought a flush to Ruth’s cheeks. “Just trying to help,” she mumbled, unsure of how to react to his words.
“Come sit with me.” It wasn’t a question. It had been more like an order, though his voice was still soft.
Ruth followed him over to a bench. She watched as he sat down, and then she sat.
“Ruth, tell me something… why do you come here so often?”
Ruth stared blankly, unsure of how to answer that. She had always told herself she would be honest, but she was not sure she could tell him the full truth. “I like it here,” she finally said.
“So there is not another reason?” He studied her face carefully. It was like his eyes burned into her. “You do not feel that you have to pay your dues, or however you want to word it, before Gott will set you towards your path in life?”
Ruth took his words in, but it took a couple seconds for her to realize what he was thinking. He thought she was coming here so often to remain in Gott’s graces.
“Nee, it’s not that. I just want to help. You’ve brought a wonderful thing to us, and I want to help you keep that going.”
It wasn’t fully a lie. Jacob had brought something wonderful to the community when he came here from another one. Though no one knew much about him; even now, she was sure that he had enriched everyone’s life since coming here.
“Then it is not as feared. Gut. You are a beautiful young woman, on the inside and out. I would hate for you to feel that you are not gut enough.”
His words made her heart skip a couple of beats. “Is that why Emily was here? Because she does not feel gut enough?”
She knew prying was wrong but she did it anyways.
“Nee, Emily was here regarding much more personal reasons… about her upcoming wedding and her husband to be and… well, I guess that is between the two of us.” He tailed off, realizing that he had probably already said too much.
What could Emily have to worry about? Her husband was a good man. He was well-set. He and his father worked farmer markets for Englishers and his uncle owned the furniture shop.
Despite the fact that all the girls had been taught not to pay attention to materialistic things, the girls couldn’t help hoping that he would take a liking to them when they were younger. Of course, it had been Emily he had taken a liking to ,and the rest of the girls had moved on without thinking much of it. They’d all found someone who took a liking to them. All except me.
Ruth mentally shook herself. She gave Jacob a soft smile and stood. Now that the floors were done she had no excuse to stay here. “It must be hard to listen to everyone else’s troubles.” She said.
“That is what I am here for.”
“But who listened to your troubles?”
Jacob sat there, his mouth open for a fraction of a second before it curved into a smile. “Gott.”
Ruth giggled. She had meant someone other than Gott. Gott was a good listener, but he often didn’t have much to say. “Well, if you ever want someone other than Gott to listen, I’d be happy to.”
There was no doubting that Jacob had listened to Ruth’s fair share. And she knew that was his job, but she also knew that he would most likely appreciate the offer, even though he would most likely never take her up on it.
Chapter Two
The next day, the marriages started. Ruth watched her friends say their vows and by the end of the night there were two girls left to be married tomorrow. Not wanting to be home at the moment, Ruth offered to stay and help Jacob clean up.
“I wouldn’t want you to feel like you have to,” he said.
“I don’t. It’s not like I have much waiting for me at home.” She gave him a quick smile. She hadn’t meant to sound as bitter as she did, but even her younger siblings were courting. She couldn’t help feeling a little bitter.
Together, she and Jacob cleaned up around the room until there was nothing left to be put away, thrown out, or washed.
“I kept you here long, I’m sorry,” he said, looking out the window. It was true that the sun had set and it was now dark.
“I don’t mind. I like walking in the dark.” She gave him a smile as she reached for the shawl she had worn here. It was beginning to get chilly and she didn’t want to get a cold. The winter would hit soon and it would be hard enough to fed off a cold as is. “And like always, I was happy to help.”
Ruth made her way towards the door.
“Please, let me walk you home.” He crossed over to the door, falling into pace with Ruth.
“But you must be tired.”
“As I’m sure you are. I can’t in gut conscience let you walk home alone, Ruth. You will not win.” His eyes sparkled as he opened the door for them and motioned for her to go first.
“Well… if you’re going to insist.” Ruth bit her lip. Excitement overwhelmed her. She knew she shouldn’t be so excited; after all, Jacob was a man of the church. Sure, it wasn’t uncommon for preachers to find a wife- but those wives were model examples of the Amish life. Ruth was far from that. Wasn’t she?
They walked together silently for a while.
“How are you holding up?” He asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, it must have been hard for you to be there, watching your friends move on with their dreams when yesterday you confessed that you were beginning to wonder if Gott has a plan for you.”
“Ach. I’m fine.” He had a way of hitting the nail right on the head, hat was for sure. But she was fine. She would be. That much she knew for sure. “I know Gott has a plan. I just…”
“It is okay to question Gott.” His words shocked her.
Ruth stumbled over her own feet as she turned to the man beside her. How could he say that so calmly?
“Everyone does, even I do. What is important is to realize that you are only letting your fears drive you away from your faith, and catch it in time. You must understand that those thoughts are natural, but so is evil. Evil and Nature have a very thin line, Ruth. Allow yourself to think your thoughts, but be wary of crossing that line.”
Ruth stared at the man in front of her. He had stopped to talk to her, a soft smile on her lips. His brown eyes locked on hers, soothing her. Ruth felt calmness wash over her body.
“Danka, you always know what to say to make things better.” She smiled as they fell back into pace together.
The walk home wasn’t a long one and it had become something she was very used to, though not in the dark. While it was true her attraction to the man had something to do with the reason she went there, Ruth wanted to grow closer to Gott, and when she was in the church she felt that bond grow- which had been why she started going so much. With her thoughts on troubling topics, she wanted to get to a safe place as often as possible.
“I am wondering, do you plan to go away for the summer?”
“You mean with those expecting their Rumspringa? Nee.”
Most liked to wait until the summer for their chance to go into the English world before fully committing themselves, but Ruth had decided a long time ago that it wasn’t for her. She had known when she was 12 years old that she would be baptized without fear of if this was the right choice.
“You’ve already gone?”
“Nee. I’ve already made my choice; that is all
.”
She could feel his eyes on her, but he didn’t say anything as they kept walking. She wondered if he was judging her.
“You’re a unique woman, Ruth.”
“Danka.” Though she was not sure if that was a compliment or an insult, she chose to take pride in his words.
They didn’t speak much more until they came to a stop in front of her parents house.
“Danka for walking me home,” she said, her arms crossing in front of her as he hugged her shawl.
“I am happy to walk you anywhere, any time.” His eyes sparkled as they stood there. Ruth’s heart skipped a beat. Jacob ran a hand through his hair. “I was wondering, would you like to come early tomorrow? I could use the company.”
Company. Not help. He wants my company? She replied his words in her mind again and again.
“Of course,” she stammered. Of course she would come early if he wanted her to. He wants me. He wanted her company.
“Gut. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Ruth’s heart skipped a beat as she watched him turn around and head back towards the church. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard- what had just happened. He wanted her to come help him.
She closed her eyes letting out a sigh, not realizing until now that she had been holding her breath.
Gott, please let this lead me to my path.
She prayed silently for a couple of seconds before she turned for the door and made her way into the house.
“There you are.” Her mother looked up from the quilt she was finishing up. No doubt a wedding gift for someone, though Ruth was not sure who.
“Sorry if you worried. I stayed behind to help Jacob clean up.”
She hadn’t been telling her parents where she had been spending most of her time, but she could feel both her mother and her father looking at her.
“I spoke to Emily’s mother today. She said you were there yesterday, too,” her mother said, brows furrowing.
“Jah.” Ruth was hoping she would not have to explain herself.