Dad's face tightened. “We're planning to do things, but the first thing we can do is help kids deal with it.” He nodded. “Something has to come first, doesn't it?”
“So you think the first thing to do with Velveeta is talk to him about how to accept why it happened and change his thinking so it won't happen again? If you're not going to be honest about it, you could at least say ‘Hey, losers, you're pretty much on your own, so you'd better fight back or get used to being social punching bags.’”
He sighed. “This is a no-violence zone, Poe, and you know we can't condone any action like that. Or your language.”
I laughed, thinking of everything from choir to PE to Colby Morris and how every time my dad didn't want to be honest, he fell back on the bullshit. “Okay, fine. Let me get this straight. After you don't do anything to stop violence in the first place, you tell us that we can't fight back because there's no tolerance for violence.” I stared at him. “Aren't you basically telling us that there's no escape from it? God, Dad! What do you expect?”
“Poe…”
“NO! I'm right!” I turned to the classroom. “Who here has fought back?”
The short kid who liked getting stuffed into garbage cans raised his hand.
“What happened?”
“I got suspended for fighting.”
I turned back to Dad. “So what you're telling him is that he's just as bad as the jerk who harasses him?”
He looked at the gathering of students, all of whom were silent as church mice. “There's a difference between solving a problem and escalating a problem, and that's why we have safeguards to protect you so that it doesn't happen.”
I stood. “Safeguards? Like at Columbine?” I said, knowing I'd thrown a bomb into the room. Columbine was better seen as an aberration, something that could happen there, not here.
“We're not talking about that circumstance, but that's exactly what we're trying to avoid.”
“Avoid?” I crossed my arms, growling. “Has it ever occurred to anybody that when you tell the wrong kid they can't fight back, they'll eventually snap? That once Karl has jumped through all of your useless hoops, he might just come to school locked and loaded?”
The lines around Dad's eyes said his patience wore thin. “Again, that's what we're trying to avoid.”
I looked over the gathering. “How many people in here have fantasized about killing the people that mess with them?” A few seconds passed, then hands went up. At least ten. I gazed at Halvorson. “Great job! Why don't you just light the fuse and watch it blow, because that's what will happen.”
Mr. Halvorson stood. “I don't think we should be talking about killing. This seminar isn't about that, and it's dangerous ground.”
I laughed. “Then what the fuck is this seminar about? Random acts of giggling? We shouldn't even be here!” I pointed outside. “They should. Colby Morris and every guy who was in the bathroom should be sitting here getting a ration of shit from you, but they aren't, are they? They're getting ready for their little festival fund-raiser tomorrow, right? The Night of Stars?”
Mr. Halvorson sighed. “We're here to talk about our problems and how we can solve them, Poe, not about accusations and bitterness. And furthermore”—his eyes flicked to my dad, then settled back on me—”I'm asking you to leave this seminar immediately. There is no need for you here, or your vulgarity. Please excuse yourself.” With that, he raised his arm and pointed to the door.
I locked eyes with him then, and took a breath. “You just saw ten people raise their hands saying they've thought about MURDER, and what I'm saying is that maybe they wouldn't feel that way if you actually believed in what you preach.” I shook my head. “I watched a kid almost get killed in your school because the guy that did it knows you won't do anything. Good job. You suck,” I said. Then I left.
Chapter Twenty-three
I left Theo and Anna in the dust, stomping my way home with one thing on my mind. Velveeta. Since Theo told me about Colby's car being bashed, I'd had a sinking feeling about where things were headed, and the seminar only made me rage more. I didn't think things were going to get better before they got worse, and it would be bad. Real bad. And Benders High School wasn't interested in doing a thing about it.
I knocked on Velveeta's door, but nobody answered, so I sat on the porch for ten minutes, knocked again, peeked in his bedroom window on the other side of the house, sat for another half hour, then went inside and sat in front of the window, watching the pictures in my head. I had to do something. Velveeta hadn't been in school, I hadn't seen him, and that meant bad things.
My cell phone minutes had expired three days before I arrived in Benders Hollow, and I was still going through cell withdrawals. I picked up the cordless, dug in my purse for Theo's cell number, and dialed. “Hi. Sorry I ditched you.”
He laughed. “Didn't miss much. Just Mr. Halvorson elaborating on how sinful violence is and that it's never the answer to anything. Unless you're a government, of course. Then you can drop bombs on people's heads all you want.”
“Whatever.”
“You were right, though. Maybe a bit extreme, but right.”
I laughed. “Since when does right matter?”
“When it suits the Man.” He paused. “Are we still on for tomorrow's festivities? Always wanted to have my leg tied to yours as we race across a park.”
“No.”
“Come on, Poe. It's not the end of the world. The school has to do stuff that way.”
“I'm not going.”
“You said you would.”
I thought about it. “Fine. What time?”
“Six-thirty The football guys need time to rinse the blood off after practice.”
That answered the question I called him for, and I was glad I didn't have to ask it. “Cool. See ya tomorrow.”
“Bye.”
I walked out the door and headed back to the school, checking the church clock on the way. Five-fifteen. I reached the school courtyard and walked through the deserted place, soaking in the silence of the usually crowded area. Almost peaceful if you forgot what it was. I wondered if it could be a good place, then put it out of my mind.
Past the courtyard and between the choir building and gym, I walked around the corner and saw the football team breaking from the field and jogging toward me, their white helmets bobbing up and down against shoulder pads as they headed for the gym doors. The coach jogged behind them, and I stepped aside as the first player clattered past. I heard several Mohawk comments as I searched through the face masks for Colby and when I saw him, I stepped out, making eye contact. He smiled past the bars of his helmet as he neared, and he veered my way when I called his name, slowing a bit.
As he passed, he leaned his shoulder and did a quick step, catching me hard on my side. Surprised, I lost my balance and fell, sprawling like an idiot as the last players streamed by. I'd landed square on my wrist, and as I sat there rubbing it, the coach stopped and smiled, offering his hand with a chuckle. “Gotta watch out there, girl. Some times the boys don't know how much space they take up.” I stared at his hand, then slapped it away. He frowned. “Hey, now, there's no need for that. I was offering you a hand.”
I stood, brushing myself off. “Go to hell. I need to talk to Colby.”
He smiled. “Well, you're welcome to go into the locker room, but I'd advise against it. Might see something you don't want to.”
“When I want your advice on how to be a macho jerk, I'll ask.” Then I shoved past him and entered the gym. The coach followed, raising his voice for me to stop, but I ignored him and went through the locker room doors.
Deep-voiced laughs and voices clapped against the concrete walls, and the mist of the showers smelled like sweat and fungus as I walked down the far wall, searching down the rows of lockers. Guys stopped what they were doing, some throwing towels over themselves and some not as I neared the showers. Catcalls followed me, and I realized I might have made a mistake.
; By the time I found him, most of the team had followed me back to the showers. Colby stood at the tiled entrance to the steamy section, a towel wrapped around his waist and another smart-ass grin on his face. I breathed. “I slapped Anna.”
He smiled. “Yeah. I guess you did.”
“You almost killed him, Colby.”
He laughed, then glanced at the coach, who was walking down the aisle. “I don't know what you're talking about.”
I smiled, taking a sheet of paper from my back pocket. The one from Ms. Appleway I raised my voice as I held the paper over my head, waving it around. “You did it, and this is a record of every single one of you who was in there when it happened.” I glanced around and was happy to see some very uncomfortable looks on faces.
Colby snatched the paper from me, crumpling it up and throwing it on the wet floor. “You can't touch me, bitch.”
I nodded. “Don't worry, I've got a copy.” I walked away, then turned around again. “And Colby?”
He stared at me from down the aisle.
“I can touch you,” I said. Then I walked out.
Chapter Twenty-four
He didn't say anything. Not a word. Just sat in a front porch chair staring out at the neighborhood in the late afternoon sunlight. One knee crossed over the other as usual, the empty glass of lemonade on the table next to him replaced by a tumbler of whiskey. I walked up the steps. “Mom drinks wine when things get rough.”
“I'm not your mother.”
Ouch. He was pissed. I hesitated, wondering if I should just go inside, but then sat down next to him, staring out at the same neighborhood. I'm sure we saw different things. “I'm not going to apologize.”
“Then don't, Poe.”
“Well, I'm not.”
“I'm not asking you to.”
“Why not?”
Moments passed, and he took a sip of his drink. “Poe, there's a difference between …” He turned his face toward me, the sun catching it through the branches of the maple tree. “There's a difference between fighting for something you believe in and fighting against something you simply want to destroy.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that if your intention was to humiliate Mr. Halvorson and me today, you succeeded.”
“I just said the truth. If you can't take it, that's your problem.”
“No, Poe, it's not my problem, and that's what you don't understand. You want to change what happens at school, and whether you like it or not, you can't do that without making the school believe in you. You didn't do that today.” He paused. “You didn't show me you were right today, Poe. You showed me how much contempt you have for me and what I believe in.”
“So you're mad.”
“Yes, I am. But it doesn't matter if I am. It matters that you understand what I just explained. You are right, Poe. Benders High needs change.” He paused. “You have a good heart, you care about your friend, and you have that same desire in you as your mother to make things right. But if you allow your contempt for others to control it, you'll drive everything you care about away. You'll be alone, Poe, and you'll fail.”
I sat there thinking. I was right. They were wrong. But I knew my dad wasn't talking about Benders High School. He was talking about us. About us all those years ago when I was a baby. “So basically what you're saying is that you ran away because Mom does what I do. She fucks everything up.” I smirked. “At least she was there. What's your excuse?”
The sprinklers on the lawn across the street popped up and began sprinkling, covering the emerald green in a haze of sparkling mist. He cleared his throat. “I don't have one.”
The tone of his voice made the world stop for me. I looked over at him, and he sat there staring at those sprinklers like a stone-skinned liar with the truth buried so deep inside nothing would let it out. I stood. “I've got to go.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don't know. Out. I need to think.”
Chapter Twenty-five
I walked and eventually wound my way around town, gravitating toward Theo's house. I knocked, and Mr. Dorr answered. He smiled, shaking my hand. “Poe. I suppose you're here to sign on to my next reelection campaign? We're always in need of volunteers, and if I'm to crush the opposition, we need fighters on our side.”
“Um, no.”
“Oh. Well, then, you might want to see my son?”
“Yes.”
He stepped aside, sweeping his arm inside. “Come in.” He turned. “THEO!” he bellowed, rattling my eardrums. “POE IS HERE!” He turned back to me, the expression on his face not giving away that he'd just yelled loud enough to shake the windows. “Theo tells me you're giving everybody hell.”
I looked around, then met his eyes. “Yes.”
His eyes twinkled. “I've never known a person with a Mohawk.” He patted his thick and black hair. “Think I could pull it off?”
I smiled. “Not really.”
“Damn. Everybody is so stuffy around here.” He smiled back. “Especially those choir people.”
I laughed. “Theo has talked to you, I take it?”
He nodded. “When your son speaks in metaphorical phrases constantly sometimes it's difficult to discern what happened, but yes, I got the picture.”
Just then, Theo came up the stairs. “Dad, leave her alone.”
Mr. Dorr glanced at Theo. “The prince has arrived. Good luck, Poe.” Then he was off and sauntering down the hall. Theo smiled, pecking me on the lips. “What're you doing here?”
“Out for a walk.”
“So you got in a fight with your dad?” He smiled.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. No. It was weird. Can I use your phone?”
He nodded. “Sure. I was downstairs in the music room. Come on.”
Once in the room, Theo grabbed his cell and handed it to me, then sat behind his drum set. “So what's up?”
“I need to call somebody.”
He looked at the phone, giving me a cockeyed look. “Sort of figured that out when you asked to use my phone.”
“I'll pay you for it.”
He shrugged. “Money grows on trees around here. Don't sweat it.”
“South America?”
He laughed. “A kiss for each minute. Deal?”
I smiled. “Sure.”
“Want me to leave?”
“Please.”
He got up, touching my shoulder as he walked by. “I'll be outside the door trying to hear what you say. Just come out when you're done.”
I rolled my eyes. “Jerk.”
“Love you too, honey. Good luck.” Then he was gone, shutting the door behind him.
I dialed. She answered after four rings. “Dr. Holly speaking.”
“Why did Dad leave?”
“What? Poe? What's going on? Are you all right?”
“Why did Dad leave?” I repeated.
“Poe, listen, this is certainly not the time to talk about…”
“Tell me the truth. Why did he leave?”
Her voice lowered, anger brimming to the surface. “What did he say, Poe? What is happening?”
“He didn't say anything, and that's the problem. Neither of you will. So tell me. What did you do?”
“Let me talk to him this instant. Now.”
“No.”
“Why he and I divorced is none of your business, young lady.”
Tears welled in my eyes. “You can't even say his name, can you? It's David, and he is my father, and it is my business because I'm part of this family. So tell me why you never even showed me a picture of him. Tell me, Mom.”
The line crackled, and her tone softened. “Poe, I'd really like to talk about this in person. Let's not get into this now.”
“You drove him away, didn't you? You did the same thing to him that you do to me, and now I'm doing it to everybody around me, so tell me.”
“I've told you before, Poe. Your father and I took different paths. We—”
“TELL ME!”
I screamed, frightened at how much I sounded like her. “You didn't take different paths! You made it so bad for him he had to leave, didn't you? You hurt him, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!!!”
This time her voice cracked instead of the line. “Poe, please. Calm down.”
Tears streamed down my face. What was I? What was happening? Why couldn't I just be normal? Why couldn't anything work in my life? Why was this rage in me? I sniffed. “You're a liar. You're all stinking liars, and I hate you. I hate you all. You ruin my life and leave me and send me here to live with a man you hate, and you expect me to calm down? Fuck you, Mom. I hate you.”
Silence.
I wiped my nose. “I've got to go. Bye.”
“No. Don't hang up. Please.”
I didn't hang up.
A minute passed. “Are you there?”
I swallowed. “Yes.”
“Poe, I loved your father. He's a compassionate and gentle human being, and I did hurt him. I resented his weaknesses and showed him my contempt when he needed help, and I did end up hating him. I hated him for being afraid, because I was afraid. We were so young. We were pursuing our careers and our dreams, and it just became too much. I was in school, your father was devoted to writing, and I left it to him.”
“Left what to him?”
A long moment passed. “You.”
“What?”
“I was in medical school, Poe. Gone all the time, and the pressure was tremendous. And when I realized he was sacrificing his dream for you, I hated him even more, because I wasn't willing to do it.”
My mind roiled, remembering all the nannies I'd had growing up. “What did you do to him?”
“I found somebody else.”
My stomach sank. “He caught you, didn't he?”
Her voice faltered. “Yes.”
I stood there, stunned. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not with my mom. Not with this man who was my father. My mother had been immune to life's failures forever. She was the most moralistic tightwad I'd ever known. And she'd cheated. All of a sudden, I didn't want the truth anymore. I didn't want to hear her say she was human. She'd never been human. My dad's words ran through me about contempt. About being alone. I realized my mother had always been alone. She never let anybody in, and her contempt kept everybody out. It even kept me out.
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