by Tara Wimble
“This is why you stopped seeing me before Christmas isn’t it?”
Hope shuts up immediately.
“This is that work thing right? Either it is or it isn’t but if it is that means that you lied to me. You lied to me back at the house. You said that you bailed because you were being harassed-” Janice chokes. “He wasn’t harassing you was he?”
Hope’s face falls more when she realizes that Janice’s figured it out.
“Oh God. You were still- were you still with him when we-” Panicked breaths come out, fluttering in her chest and she has to cough. The night at the beach house is tainted from something she never knew about.
Hope flinches with offense. The first reaction she’s made since following her in here. “I would never-”
Salt in the wound comes when she remembers that night again. How good it was, how good it felt, and how Hope took care of her. They slept together and now all Janice can think about is whether or not she was sleeping with him as well.
She was never hers to have and Janice wants to throw up.
“I don’t know what you wouldn’t do anymore.” Janice sobs out. She was married. She was still married when Janice started flirting with her, when they started hanging out, maybe when they first kissed. “I’ve gotta go.”
“Janice wait, please.” Hope makes a move to grab her arm but thinks better of it. “I didn’t want to bring this all up, it’s over, I got a divorce, it’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing!” It’s everything. Janice tears off Hope’s blazer and throws it against the marble counter. The medal thunks against the sink. “Do you still love him?”
For once looking at Hope actually hurts. It hasn’t been over long enough for his feelings to settle. Or for hers to move on.
The tears on her face have dried but she makes no move to wipe them. “Yeah, I thought so.” Janice nods with a bitter laugh. “Well when you decide if I’m all that you want. Let me know.”
She doesn’t expect to hear.
She picks up the heels she kicked off before walking out of the bathroom. When the door shuts behind her she runs. Her bare feet thud against carpet and she gets as far as the lobby before she collapses on the steps in tears. How did this happen?
“Hey.”
Vianne crouches next to her with Janice’s forgotten phone. She has her coat on and keys in her hands. She fixes Janice with a sympathetic look and says: “Call who you need to call. We’re gonna take you home okay?”
Sara becomes her support. She hooks Janice’s arm through hers and guides her down the steps. “I’m sorry.” She whispers. “I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay.” Janice’s breath hitches. “Neither did I.”
Cool air only makes it worse and she craves the closed space of Vianne’s car where she draws her knees to her chest and buries her head forward. She taps out a text that she can barely see through the tears and ignores how Vianne and Sara keep throwing their eyes back to her.
It’s not their fault but Janice feels betrayed all the same because they knew. They all knew.
God, she’s so stupid.
The ride passes and they stop. Exhaustion doesn’t stop her politeness. She says goodbye but shakes her head when Vianne tries to say anything more. She can’t listen anymore. She can’t hear anything about Hope.
Janice looks up to see Robin waiting outside as she’d promised. The sight of her in her shorts and flip flops this late is the only thing that keeps her from sobbing until she’s out of Vianne’s car.
Robin’s expression morphs the closer Janice gets and she takes the last step forward to catch Janice in her arms.
“Janice?” Robin holds her against her chest and doesn’t let go. “Are you okay?”
“No.” Janice crashes. “I’m not.”
Chapter 11
ROBIN guards the door when she knocks, ushering her body out and then standing in front of it, like she’s trying to keep the outside world from entering the room. She sighs apologetically. “Sorry, I would have asked Laurel but she’s out.”
She’s talking about the supply run but in all honesty, Lexie is glad that Robin called her.
“It’s fine. Is she okay?” Lexie passes her the bottle of water and bag of supplies that Robin had asked for. She’d run out of her room, to the annoyance of her roommate Rhetta, as soon as she’d gotten the half worded story. The idea that something had happened to Janice to put her in this state, she’s not even sure what’s going on. her only thought to help was to be the one picking up the sugary cereals and chocolate for her friend in the Hope that it’d help some.
Robin leans outside the door on the wall. She pinches the bridge of her nose. “I don’t know. I was up with her all night. She didn’t stop crying.”
Lexie can see the tiredness in her eyes. A part of her wishes that she’d known that this had happened in the moment. That Janice had called her too.
“She passed out like half an hour ago. I was gonna just quickly shower and go back in there,” Robin looks guilty for even suggesting she needed to leave. “I don’t really want to leave her alone.”
“What happened?”
Robin tilts her head towards the door, as if Janice might be listening to their conversation. “I shouldn’t say.”
“Robin.”
“I don’t want to misconstrue anything.” Robin eases. “You should ask her. Can you just- sit by her while I’m gone?”
Robin has things to do today and while Janice has already missed several study group meet ups at King’s, Lexie isn’t about to insist that she snaps out of this. Whatever she can do to help, she will.
“Yeah, of course I will.”
“Thanks.” Robin is a little unsteady on her feet when she kisses her. They linger there together until Robin shakes out of the stupor Lexie’s lips seem to put her in. “You’re the best.”
Lexie huffs in amusement as Robin lets her into the room. While she gathers her towel and places down Lexie’s supplies. Lexie gets her first glimpse of the chaos.
She never got to see Janice in the dress and a part of her mourns that the first glance she has of it is of it strewn on the floor like it’s been ripped from her body. It’s crumpled and discarded like it was never cared for at all. Lexie cares about the girl that dress used to be on. The girl who’s curled up, a blanket drawn just under her eyes, finally resting in a shallow sleep.
Lexie pulls out the computer chair at Robin’s desk and rolls it over to Janice’s side. Robin tosses her towel over her shoulder and looks worriedly between her and Janice. “Her phone keeps going off. Hope keeps calling but-”
Lexie pushes Janice’s phone a little. Seven missed calls flash on screen. She expected more but then again, she doesn’t know what’s going on and Hope might be a little too old to wear desperation like a teenager.
“-if she wakes up just, y’know, be there.”
Lexie nods. “What else would I do?”
Robin pauses by the door. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip and Lexie can almost sense that she’s trying to get something out but instead shakes her head. It’s frustrating to watch. “I won’t be long.”
She closes the door as silently as she can but the latch clicks like a gunshot and Janice’s eyes snap open. “Robin?”
Lexie rolls the chair to Janice’s side. “She’s just showering. Hey.”
“Lexie.” Janice’s tired voice becomes tinged with sadness. Like the more she wakes up, and the more she remembers, the more her voice reflects the night passed.
Lexie reaches out and brushes her hair back. Her face is warm. “How are you feeling?”
Janice’s eyes close again.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t know.” Janice looks past Lexie and into the distance.
Lexie reaches out to touch the duvet covering Janice. She rubs it between her fingers until Janice shifts, letting her hand find Lexie’s to hold. “She lied to me.”
“Hope?”
“Yeah.” Every word sounds tired.
Lexie tries to keep her curiosity low. “What happened?”
Janice finally stares at her and Lexie wishes she hadn’t. Her eyes are a terrible red. Just looking at her makes Lexie feel the stinging and the itching that has come with tears.
“She uh, god.” Janice struggles. The flashes of the happier parts of the night are still there in the way her cheek twitches but they’re overshadowed too much. “I met her partners.”
“She’s dating two other people?”
Lexie keeps it light enough for Janice to realize it’s a joke. It takes a second and it’s then Lexie notes that this is the sore subject. “No, her work partners. Well one of them. Vianne is her police partner person and Sara is her girlfriend.”
Janice talks through it, slowly leading towards the hurt that trembles in the back of her throat. “They kept me company while Hope got awarded her medal. You know that she saved her former partner. Took a bullet for her.” She trails off. “And they punished her for it, for a whole year, until someone realized ‘hey, actually she saved a bunch of people’s lives and took down the guys that shot at a cop, isn’t that a good thing?’ and decided that they were wrong.”
“She looked happy up there. She tried to hide it, but when someone’s telling you that you did the right thing all along in front of most of the people that dragged your name through the dirt, it’s hard to keep it off your face.”
Lexie listens.
“She came back and-” Janice stops. “I really like her. Liked. I-”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Lexie reassures. “Whatever it is, I’m just here to listen okay?”
Janice retreats to the story after her reassurance. “She brought me to a seriously important police benefit, introduced me to her friends, and told me that this was a date the whole night. I’m livid. I’m tired. I’m so pissed off at her-”
Janice’s phone buzzes on her desk again. Lexie is close enough to see Hope’s name flash up and beneath it a picture. Janice’s face is pressed up against Hope’s cheek, throwing out a brilliant white smile, and in the background she sees sand.
“And she keeps calling.”
“Do you want to speak to her?”
Janice sighs into her pillow. “Yeah. God. Is that pathetic?”
“No. It just means you miss her.” Lexie waits until Hope’s face has disappeared from the phone screen. “And you’re allowed to, it’s just, she’s the one in the wrong here.” She guesses.
“I know.” Janice croaks out. “I know.”
Lexie reaches out and puts Janice’s phone on silent.
“She lied to me Lexie.” Janice murmurs. “She let me believe that this was something special and that she cared about me.”
“You don’t know that she doesn’t.” If there’s one thing Lexie doesn’t doubt, is that on some level Hope does care.
“You don’t even know what she did.” Janice utters and Lexie minds Robin’s words again. Don’t misunderstand. “What kind of person does this?”
Lexie quietens in the face of the truth and waits.
“I’m the other woman. Other person.” Janice is mumbling to herself now. Going through her relationship with Hope, every step and touch that Lexie wasn’t there for and then Janice blows it wide open. “She cheated, did she cheat- god the fucking beach house-”
“What did you say?”
Janice opens her eyes. “What?”
Her throat is dry. “What did you say about cheating? Did she cheat on you?”
Janice swallows and she tries to bury her face into the pillow again. Lexie quickly moves to the edge of Janice’s bed and puts a hand on her shoulder. “Janice.”
“I think she was still with him when she invited me to her grandparent’s beach house. Well, it’s hers now but-”
“Jan-”
“There was a guy at the benefit-” Janice almost shouts the words out. “There was a guy and he’s her husband. Was her husband-” Her hand picks up the shuddering before she hears it in Janice’s voice. “We slept together at the beach house. That was the first time. And if she was still with him- it might not matter to her but it mattered to me!”
She turns to stone. Janice’s cries continue into her pillow and all Lexie can do it watch as her best friend’s heart breaks. “She cheated on her husband with -me-”
Hope’s married. Lexie feels herself settle into a calm that she doesn’t understand. A quiet rage soon bubbles waiting for the moment that she steps out of Janice’s room and has a minute to process all of this. Hope is married or was married and she led Janice on.
Janice rolls away from her and Lexie moves into the space she’s left. Janice doesn’t push her away when she wraps her arm over her waist. She holds her against her chest and listens for signs of Janice’s sobbing to slow.
She’d guessed that the two of them had taken the next step a while ago. Janice didn’t exactly hide it. But for all her jokes and her bravado, Lexie can see how much it meant, and how much this hurts.
“She’s made a huge mistake, Jan.” Lexie leaves the sentence hanging in the air so that neither of them know whether she’s talking about the mistake of lying to Janice or the imminent threat of bodily harm that Lexie is planning in response. “You’ll be okay.”
When Robin comes back, her hair dripping into her shirt, she softens at the sight of them in the bed together. Janice holds Lexie closer, like she’s defending her possession of the comfort Lexie is giving from Robin potentially stealing her away.
Robin instead sets out pouring a bowl of cereal with every intent to wait out this storm for as long as Janice needs them too.
That’s what friends are for.
***
SHE misses a couple of classes and it eats at her until she does something about it. To her friends she might not appear the apt student but she cares, it’s her parent’s hard work that got her here and she wants to show them that they’re not wasting their time or money by flunking out over something as stupid as-
It’s not stupid though. It hurts.
Janice waits until Robin has left, finally, after checking on her again to do something with the day. It hurts.
She rolls the covers back and feels how her body denies this movement. The thought of getting out and facing the world isn’t a kind one. She knows that no one apart from her friends is aware of what happened but even then she fears that people on the street will take a look at her and discover what affliction she’s wrought with.
Janice feels dramatic. She’s mumbled this to Robin a few times and been told that there’s nothing more dramatic than falling in love with someone. It’s not as easy as they make it out to be.
This isn’t easy at all.
Maybe that’s what she was fooled into thinking, that night at the beach house and those careless runs together. She fell too hard and too fast to see what was clear in front of her.
She’s married.
“Fuck.” Her voice fights the curse and it comes out broken and sob toned. It reminds her how not over this she is. How she’s pushing and how stupid she feels.
The thought of going to class and showing that she’s still able to do something right is one that she wants to reach out and hold close to her chest, but the ability to get out of bed in spite of Hope and what she lied about, is another matter entirely.
Her phone buzzes once every three hours. Meaning that Hope is still trying to call her when she gets a break on her shifts. Janice is too pissed to answer them, too scared to listen to the voicemails and feels too betrayed to think about returning a text.
Lexie has read them all. Robin refuses but Janice knows it’s more to keep her cool in front of Hope if they happen to see her. Lexie is the opposite. She opens each message so that it displays it’s been read to Hope, like that’s twisting a knife into her rather than into Janice. She can tell Lexie is angry. She’s been angry for Janice. The strength for that anger escapes her now. She’s too tired, too hurt, to do anything more than
cry over everything she thought was for her.
Dramatic remember?
Not today. Today she gets up. Today she goes to class. Today will be different.
She’s off to a good start, putting her feet on the ground and forcing herself to stand. Robin has left out her shower stuff ready for her and Laurel brought over a box of leftovers. All she needs to do is shower, get dressed, heat up the food and walk herself to class.
It sounds simple until she gets under the spray of the shower and starts to wash her mess of hair and is hint with her ocean scented fucking shampoo. Who even makes ocean scented anything?
Janice really doesn’t want to think about that night. She doesn’t want to relive the way Hope set the whole thing up, how she carried her to the couch and touched her with the dying skyline burning in the background. She doesn’t want the memory ruined by the fact that she was still married then, or might have been, or at least was still embroiled in a whole fucking mess that she lied to Janice about.
She lied.
That’s why it hurts.
Janice gave her the chance to explain and to clear the air and Hope chose to lie about the fact she was married. She lied to her face about having a husband and what was going on at work and all the while did stupid things with her stupid face that made Janice trip headfirst into having feelings for her.
Janice scrubs her loofa over her body with more anger than strictly required to defeat the dirt on her skin.
When Janice kissed her for the first time she was still married.
She keels over suddenly and heaves dryly into the shower stall. Nothing comes from her mouth but sickly noises and a bitter taste in her mouth.
Kind of sums up her life right now.
She manages to right herself again and finish scrubbing herself to an acceptable state of clean that she hasn’t experienced for a few days. As nice as Robin was being about her staying in bed, there was only so many times she could spray air freshener before Janice got the message.