by Tara Wimble
“You don’t have to-”
“I know we don’t.” Janice interrupts. “But we’re here now and like Robin said, we can help.”
Robin’s face wears a little bit of pride as Janice offers this up to Sara. “So, we’ll help you unpack and get you settled and then you have to eat.”
Sara looks exhausted and Janice isn’t sure she’s eaten anything other than snacks at the hospital since arriving in the US. Seeing that she’s not going to win this battle, Sara nods.
“Alright.”
Robin puts her box down and takes out her wallet. “I’ll run down and find somewhere that does take out. I won’t be long. Don’t finish all this without me, okay?”
She’s giving them some space. Janice mouths ‘thank you’ as Robin darts out of the apartment and down the stairs. They hear her footsteps disappear until it’s just them alone.
“Thanks for doing this.”
“It’s nothing.” Janice waves off as she picks out one of the boxes that says ‘living room’. “I don’t really want to leave you alone right now.”
“I’m doing okay.” Sara says. “I’m just overwhelmed.”
“Is there really no one that you can stay with?”
Sara pauses and looks at her before she speaks. “Hope’s offered.”
Her heart gets caught in her throat. “Oh.”
Sara senses the reason for her hesitation and she tries to pick up on it. “She’s been coming by before her shifts. They’ve got her going out with one of the rookies. Lighter duties.”
Janice wants to tell her than Vianne will be back out before she knows it, just to steer away from where Sara is going but it’s too late.
“You should come and visit her sometime.”
“I don’t know. I’m not family-”
“She’d like to see you.” Sara murmurs. “I mean, having to look at my sour face all day-” Her laugh is forced and full of threatening tears.
Janice politely doesn’t comment when Sara has to disappear for a few seconds to wash her face. She comes back with a towel, dabbing at her eyes, and sighing heavily. “Sorry.”
Janice absently begins unpacking some of the pictures in the box she has. Most of them are of Vianne and Sara. Sara sitting on a pier with Vianne wrapping her arms around her. Vianne in her uniform, at some sort of graduation, with Sara beaming next to her.
“I can come and visit.” She promises. Looking at Vianne in the photograph, blindingly happy, makes her feel strangely guilty.
Sara, too grateful for more words, simply says thank you.
When Robin comes back half an hour later Sara gets them set up in front of Vianne’s TV and they eat and watch in silence until it starts to get dark. When Janice goes to leave she’s pulled into a crushing hug that tells her everything she needs to know. Sara tells her she’ll be alright on her own for now, giving her number out, and that when she wants to visit, just to call her. Janice says it’ll be sooner rather than later.
Robin keeps a quiet smile on her face the whole way back. “What?”
“I think you and Lexie will be fine.”
That promise takes the weight off her shoulders completely. It’s going to be okay.
***
COMING out of work should make her feel relieved. Another day on the job. Another patrol without injury. Except she only feels more stress. Christenne is on at her to think about making an application to a different department, get her off basic patrol and maybe take a step up into gang or drug units that could use her experience and good judgment.
That good judgment put Vianne in the hospital.
Hope tells her she’ll think about it but really she has no intention of doing that. Christenne can see it in her eyes and then it’s a silent disappointment that follows her round for most of the day, even when she heads home.
Christenne schedules her for an off weekend and tells her not to come in until Monday afternoon for the night shift. That’s final.
She doesn’t have time to think about anything else than keeping it together. When she gets home there are no messages on her voicemail other than one from Sara telling her that she’ll be at the hospital when she gets there later. No mail to come back to. No dog rushing to greet her. Just a large empty house and the sound of her methodically taking off her shoes and her hardware before walking to the shower.
The water rushes over her body and she clings to the Hope that she’ll feel refreshed after she steps out. The wound on her thigh has healed enough for her to wash over it but it’s become another scar to be, another ghosting pain to add to the other gunshot wounds that litter her body. It’s crazy to suggest that she move to a different unit like the gang or drug departments. She’s a freaking bullet magnet. No one wants that around them.
Hell, most days she looks in the mirror now she wonders if she should just ask for a desk job or something stupid like that. Then she wakes up and realizes that she doesn’t want to be anywhere other than the streets. It’s all she ever wanted to do.
Out of the shower she spends as long as she can getting ready. Drying her hair and tying it back in a loose bun, Hope walks around her room getting dressed. It’s quiet. There’s no one else shouting from a different room, no TV on blaring in the background, or dog whining for attention. Hope misses that last one.
When she’s finishing getting dressed for her off day, Hope locks up her apartment and starts her journey. Stopping for coffee. Stopping for flowers. Parking.
A few of the doctors nod at her when she walks in. Dr McLeod is the only one who stops her, asking how she is, before letting her move on towards Vianne’s room.
The room smells fresh. The window is open and it’s bright apart from the top half of the bed, which is in shadow thanks to a curtain being pulled halfway over the window.
Vianne’s asleep again. Hope’s missed the window. It’s another frustration on the day and Sara diffuses her before she can say anything. “They came in about two hours ago and gave her something. She drifted off but she tried to wait up for you.”
“I’ll catch her next time.” Hope states. She places the fresh purple flowers in the vase of water. Where Uma keeps getting the money to request that she buys these, Hope has no clue, but it makes her feel better to have something other than snack food to bring to Vianne’s bedside.
“How’s she doing?”
Sara rubs at her face. The heels of her palms redden her cheeks until she looks somewhat healthy. “Better than yesterday. Better than the day before yesterday.”
Hope pulls up a chair. “And her leg?”
Sara’s lips are chapped and sore from biting them. “Um, direct shot. It hit everything it could. The Doctors threw a lot of medical jumble at me but- they’re going to try and repair the damage-”
“A second surgery?”
“Installing some metal bolts or something.” Sara swallows. Still trying to process it herself, Hope notices. “When she’s better.”
Hope forces herself not to say sorry considering the last reaction Sara had to her doing so. She has to put those trigger words to rest. What’s done is done, she has to live with yet another partner down, and not dole her guilt out on everyone else.
“You still at work?”
Hope nods. “Training some of the rookies. Handing out a lot of speeding tickets.”
Sara rubs her hands over her knuckles. Running through her nervous ticks to keep calm and collected in front of Hope.
“What did they say about rehab?”
“Ongoing.” Sara answers. “Anywhere up from six months. At best.”
Fuck.
“She’ll be in good hands. I’ll make sure of it.”
“I know.”
“What about you?” Hope asks. “You doing alright? Moved in?”
Sara nods weakly. “Midweek. Hand a coupla helpers as well.”
“Locals.”
“Janice.” Sara looks at her then, almost apologetic for bringing her up, then abashed. “And her friend.”
> “Right.” Hope hides her own nerves, clasping her hands together. “I just thought I’d offer again, if you need somewhere to stay-”
“Vianne’s place is fine. For now.” Sara carries on. “I need to get ready, make sure everything is okay, for when she gets home.”
They both know that’s going to be a while.
“I’m sorry.” Sara breaks after a moment of silence. She stops looking at Vianne when she lets the words come out.
“Why?”
“Bringing Janice up. I wasn’t sure if you two had talked yet-”
“No. Not yet.” It’s been a long time.
“But you will?”
“Maybe.” That maybe is more of a Hope in itself. She has to wait for her moment.
Sara doesn’t interrupt her for a moment. Hope closes her eyes and fades the image of Vianne’s soft sleeping face to the back of her mind. A calmness comes over her. While she’s here, everything is clearer in her mind, just like Vianne is awake and talking through her problems. Just being in the same room as her knocks a few of the hazy thoughts from her.
“I may have said to Janice to drop by if she wanted.”
Hope opens her eyes. “Why? She barely knows Vianne.”
Sara doesn’t wear the guilty look. “Maybe because I need some company. Someone who I can just talk to and not feel like, useless- and for Vianne to see someone other than me-”
“So you asked Janice? Why not ask Uma or Megan to drop by- people in the department?”
“Because they weren’t there.” Sara gets close to snapping at her. “She was. I just- I just asked okay.”
“Alright. Alright.” Hope eases up. It’s not the worst thing in the world. “Did she say she was dropping by today or?”
“I don’t know. She has some classes.” Hope knows that. They used to go for runs together at this time. “She might do.”
It’s a little too soon. “Did you plan this?”
Sara cracks a smile for what seems like the first time since she arrived. “Fuck off. I’m not that smart.”
The back of her ear itches where she was grazed. Hope can already hear the grumblings of Dr McLeod if she scratches at her stitches and pulls them out. She doesn’t feel like sitting still for a needle today.
The smile breaks something in Sara for the better. The redness in her cheeks comes from talking rather than rubbing her face and Hope coaxes her into eating some of the stuff she brought with her while promising to go home and have a good meal tonight. She’s lost a lot of weight in stress and Hope can tell.
Sara talks about school quietly, like she thinks Vianne will wake up and get mad at her for missing classes. They’re transferring her credits to the department in UCLA with the idea that she’ll start taking classes again at the end of summer. Her time in Germany will be credited towards her degree.
Vianne doesn’t wake up at all while she’s there. The nurse comes and goes, checking vitals, and their conversation keeps going. Sara looks happier to have someone there with her. Happier more so that Vianne is awake and on the mend. Even if it’s not the mend that they want it to be.
A buzzing comes from her jacket and Hope delves into her pocket to reach her phone.
Suddenly she forgets to read and it takes a second to register that it’s Janice’s name flashing on her caller ID for a reason. “It’s Janice.”
“Texting you?” The message is short and sweet. There’s an ‘x’ on the end that seems undecided if it should be there or not.
“She wants to know what room Vianne is in.”
Sara leans on the bed. “Does she know you’re here?”
“I don’t think so.” Hope hovers over the touch screen, debating what to write back.
“Go down and get her then.” Sara suggests.
“I don’t want to corner her.”
“You’re not.” Sara explains. “I think, and this is just me being an independent party, that enough time has passed. From what you said- she was here when all this went down. She was here for you.”
And Hope sent her away.
“Just go downstairs and figure it out.” Sara advises. “Either bring her up here or go talk somewhere else.”
Hope reaches her and out and touches Vianne’s wrist. She could have held her hand but touching her wrist and checking her pulse feels better. Surer. It also makes everything easier to think about. Sara is telling her to talk. Vianne is silently telling her to listen.
“I’ll come visit her again when she’s awake.” She promises. Sara nods and pulls her feet up onto her chair.
“Let me know how this goes.” Sara asks. “She’s a good one.”
Yeah, Hope thinks as she grabs her coat and her keys, she knows.
***
JANICE didn’t know what to bring. She barely knows Vianne. It was stupid of her to when offer to do this.
But then that nag in the back of her head, that sounds suspiciously like Laurel, reminds her that when her night was falling apart at the Police Benefit Vianne was the one who picked her up and took her home. That instant worry she had when she saw Vianne and Hope roll through the hospital doors is enough to prove that she cares.
The nurse at the reception isn’t allowing her to ask where she is though. There’s still a shadow of police protection around Vianne while they think that the perpetrators involved have something to do with some gang shootings. Sara told her as much over dinner though she probably wasn’t meant to.
So it leaves her with the option of texting Hope and scuffing her shoes on the floor while she waits for a reply. The longer she waits for a reply, the more she thinks that she should have brought something with her. Anything. Flowers. Food. A book. A joke? Something.
She’s about to walk out when the elevator opens across the waiting room and Janice holds her breath as Hope walks out of it.
Just like that her heart is racing. She tries to temper it and stop the fluttering but she can’t help herself. Her palms start to sweat and Janice darts her eyes to the floor, only to succumb to weakness and look up again.
She’s not in uniform, a thing that she relishes seeing ever since they starting running together all those months ago. There’s something about the way she carries herself. The strength behind her. It also helps that Janice has firsthand knowledge of that strength as well.
Hope spots her. She probably knew she was staring the minute she stepped out into the waiting room with the intensity of Janice’s sudden thoughts about her. It makes her rush to hide how red she’s getting.
For once her thoughts don’t turn to anger.
Maybe it’s because they’ve left it long enough that they either part or come together again but seeing Hope, out of uniform, and out of place in the hospital has decided for her. She’s ready to talk.
She doesn’t get up when Hope is stepping up to meet her. Hope has her coat thrown over her arm and Janice shivers. She’s leaving.
“Hey.”
Janice doesn’t think she’s going to see Vianne today.
She doesn’t know what to feel or what to take from Hope standing there yet. She’s cleaned up since Janice last saw her. Though there’s a noticeable stitch line by her ear. Another scar to add to the collection. Janice swallows her nerves and the memory in her head of seeing blood trickling and drying on Hope’s skin.
“Hi.”
Hope stalls, watching her shiver, before taking her coat from her arm and handing it out to her. It’s cold, too cold, not to accept it. Hope knows that she’s not going to make it upstairs either
She wants to ask about Vianne and about Jeremy and everything that’s seemed to happen in the space of a week or more. But all she finds herself doing is staring at Hope’s hands.
“Janice.”
From her hands to her face.
There’s a kind hesitation. It’s as close as Janice has seen her to nervousness. “Do you wanna go for a drive?”
No need to ask where or why. The only answer Hope wants is yes or no. It’s been a month sin
ce Janice can remember smiling in Hope’s direction, let alone kissing or being held by her. An ache rises.
It was never going to be a no.
Hope takes her hand and brings her to her feet. There’s a moment that they pause, just stopping and staring at each other before Hope breathes out painfully and pulls Janice against her.
But then the rushing image of Hope in the hospital and Vianne comes flooding to her again, bringing the panic back, and she let’s Hope hold her through it.
She’s close to crying and all she can think of is that she wishes things could have turned out differently.
*
“Who knew there were hills in LA?” Robin gasps on the trail and tries to stand up without wobbling. “This was the worst idea ever.”
Lexie beams at their view on the trail and at the dusty mess that her bike has now become. It’s leaning against a post while Robin’s baby is collapsed on the floor. They’re bikes echo what they’re both feeling right now. Even so, Lexie pulls Robin’s bike up and props it next to hers.
“This is the best idea.”
She’d suggested it right after classes had let out. Mostly because it’d been days since she got miles in on her bike but now that she’s up here, watching the view of people hiking and walking below them on the path, she feels happy to be outside.
Robin hunches over and pours water over the back of her neck.
It’s nice to be together as well.
Nice isn’t the word she’s thinking of though when that water starts to trickle down the back of Robin’s shirt, making it skin to her skin.
A change of topic lets her mind wander about other things. "What are you doing next week?”
Robin caps her bottle and walks off the side of the trail. A few people jog past looking worse for wear. Robin sits on the dusty ground. “Um soccer, I thought about going surfing at some point and Laurel wants to see a movie with Amy and they invited me along.”
Lexie drips some of the water from her bottle onto the bars of her bike. “And classes?”
“Oh, I was gonna skip a few.” Robin’s little smile has a guilty turn and Lexie feels like sighing. She hides it well enough to sit down next to Robin on the side of the trail.