by Robin Roseau
"Who said it would be horrible?" she asked. "It needs to be elegant and expensive. That doesn't mean tasteless. Quite the contrary."
"It's my wedding too, Lara," I said. "And I don't want everyone saying, 'what a beautiful dress'. I want them saying, 'what a beautiful bride'."
"Well then," Lara said. "We are in agreement."
I looked at her critically for a while. "You promise?"
"I promise."
I moved closer, still not quite ready to forgive her.
"Now, about the way I won."
"Cheated!"
"I agree. I cheated."
"Ha! You admit it."
"Everyone there tonight knows I cheated. What message did I project when I cheated so obviously?"
"That you were willing to win at all costs, even the cost of pissing me off."
She smiled. "What else?"
I looked at her. "That you didn't think you could win without cheating."
She nodded. "What else."
"That you really, really wanted to pick my dress."
"Tell me, which of those do you have a problem with."
I didn't answer right away. Finally I said simply, "You suck."
She smiled, and I stepped into her waiting arms.
Paper
The next several weeks went quickly. We took the kids kayaking using two-person kayaks. Kaylee rode with me; Thomas rode with Angel. The kids had a blast. I kept Lara close to me and Elisabeth near Angel, ready for immediate assistance in the exceedingly unlikely event either of us tipped over. We had no incidents.
The kids knew about the races and demanded a race. I did my best, but I wasn't willing to risk my usual tricks with kids in the boats, and Angel was much stronger than I was. She beat me easily, but she was kind and only won by a boat length.
I had been working steadily on the requirements for my high school diploma. I was thirty-one years old and earning my diploma, which was odd because I was already teaching the kids. I completed the entire math and sciences curriculum easily. Once I had completed those, Francesca had me start on English, business, and the social sciences: history, geography, and civics. She made me go slow at first.
"I want you to earn A's, Michaela." For the English, she had me read "Romeo and Juliette," and write two papers. I talked the play over during dinners with Francesca, and all the girls, and the papers were easy. After that I read, "To Kill a Mockingbird." At dinner the next night, I was quiet. I empathized deeply with Tom Robinson. Francesca tried three times to draw me out.
"What's wrong?" she finally asked.
"There are parallels between how he was treated and how some wolves treat the lesser weres," I said.
Every wolf at the table stared at me.
"She's right," Elisabeth said eventually.
"Can you write a paper on it?" Francesca asked.
"I don't know," I said. "It's a little close to home. I'll try."
In the end, I wrote the paper. It took me three nights. Francesca read the paper prior to dinner the next night, sitting at the table while the girls helped me make dinner. When I glanced over, there were tears in her eyes.
She read the paper out loud over dinner. I wasn't happy about that; I really didn't like thinking about it. Lara sat tight-lipped through the reading. The girls were very quiet, and I saw Scarlett brush tears away twice. Everyone sat quietly when Francesca finished reading. I had my head down, not saying anything, but I knew they were looking at me.
"Have you finished grading it?" Lara asked Francesca.
"It's an A paper," Francesca said. "Michaela, you write at a professional level. There are language features I need to teach you, and books you need to read, but unless you insist, I don't intend to have you write any further papers."
"May I have that?" Lara asked, pointing to my paper. Francesca looked to me, and I nodded. She handed the paper I'd written to Lara.
"My pack isn't innocent," Lara said.
I looked up at her. "No, but they're better than anywhere else I have been."
When I asked Lara about it later, she said simply, "I'm going to read it during council." I nodded, not saying anything further.
I got through the rest of the English requirements fairly quickly. I ended up writing a few more papers only to demonstrate my understanding of some of the language elements Francesca tried to teach me. After that, I attacked the social sciences. I breezed through most of it, needing only to study some of the American history and quite a bit more of the world history. Civics and geography were both easy.
By late June, I thought I'd completed everything. I handed in my final social sciences paper and sat through an oral geography quiz. Francesca asked me the final geography question, smiled at the answer, and said, "Congratulations." She marked down an A in my transcript.
"I'm done?" I asked. "That's it?"
"Almost."
"Almost?"
"I wouldn't suppose you have any demonstrated experience in the fine arts."
"Fine arts?"
"Art, dance, music, or theater."
"Growing up," I said. "We had a piano."
"Did you take lessons?"
"My mother taught my sister and me to play."
Francesca smiled. "Do you still remember?"
"It's been a long time."
She pulled me out of her office and to the music room. I'd seen it, but I'd never been in it. There was a grand piano to one side of the room. "Sit down," Francesca said, gesturing. "See what you remember."
I sat down. I hadn't touched a piano for a long time. I looked up at Francesca with sad eyes.
"Honey," she said. "You could always take the GED."
I looked down at the keyboard and let my fingers roam over the keys, reacquainting myself with their feel. This was a far finer piano than the simple upright Mother had owned.
I made random noise for a minute or two, then I played a portion of a song I remembered. I played about a third of it, but I couldn't remember the rest. "I'm sorry," I told Francesca. "That's all I remember."
"Can you read music?" she asked me gently. I nodded. Francesca went to a cabinet at the side of the room, rummaged through a drawer, and came back with some sheet music. She arranged it before me. I realized it was the piece I'd been playing. It was by Beethoven and called "Für Elise".
"I remember the name now," I said. "I remember it amused me. Fur. Like fox fur. Mother used to play it for Father."
I looked through the music, running my fingers over the keys, remembering the fingering. I began playing again. The song starts so beautiful, but there is a portion in the middle that is almost harsh. Then it turns beautiful again. I played it through, making a few small mistakes, but I kept going, just like mother had taught me.
When I finished, Francesca was smiling at me. "Do you remember any other pieces?" she asked. "Even only a portion?"
I played the first several measures of Brahms' "Lullabye." Again I faltered. Francesca retrieved music from the cabinet. I played the song, slowly and carefully. "Again," she said. I played it again, reaching what I thought was the right tempo. It was still a slow song, as it should be.
"What else?" she asked me.
I grinned at her and played the introduction to "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. Francesca laughed and told me she'd have to find singers for me if I were going to play that.
I remembered smatterings of two more pieces. Francesca recognized one of them and found the music for me. It took me fifteen minutes before I was satisfied with it.
"Francesca," I said. "Do you know if Lara has a favorite piece?"
She smiled and found a copy of Pachelbel's "Canon in D". "Work on that, I'll be right back." She stepped out of the room, and I learned the piece she gave me. It wasn't difficult, and I played it through several times by the time she came back.
"In this school," Francesca said, "music students give a recital."
"I'm supposed to play for other people?" I asked. She nodded. "Please don't make me, Francesca.
I'm not very good. Don't I embarrass myself around here enough?"
Francesca had left the door open, and I heard voices in the hallway. I glared at Francesca. "No. You didn't."
Angel and Scarlett walked into the room.
"Who did you call, Francesca?"
"Everyone," she said.
There were more voices, and soon all the kids from the school walked in, and shepherding them into the room were Lara, Elisabeth, Eric, Rory and Karen. I was watching the exit, wondering if I could get past them all without anyone noticing. Lara saw my expression and left Rory and Karen at the door with a quiet word. Then she walked right over to me and said, "So. You are full of surprises, Little Fox."
"Lara," I said. "Don't let her make me do this."
Lara exchanged a look with Francesca then she bent down and kissed me. "Break a leg," she said.
"What?" I said, shocked.
"You don't wish a performer good luck," Francesca said. "You wish them bad luck so you don't jinx them." Francesca fiddled with the sheet music then said, "Play them in that order."
"Francesca, I didn't think you would be one to set me up. I want to take the GED instead."
"Honey," she said. "Don't you trust me? Play them like you played them for me."
"I swear," I said. "I am going to teach your daughter to drink."
She laughed then turned around. "Thank you all for coming," she said. "We have a special treat today. Michaela is going to play a little music for us. Now, we've all heard the recitals offered by students attempting to squeak through their fine arts graduation requirements." She looked pointedly at Angel. "Now it's Michaela's turn."
She stepped to the side and began clapping. Everyone joined her while watching me expectantly. I sighed and turned to the piano.
Francesca had put "Für Elise" up first. I looked through the music once more then began playing.
I let the last note linger and fade, and when it was done, everyone was clapping enthusiastically. I thought that was nice of them. I'd made a few mistakes, and Mother used to play the piece far better than I just had.
I played the next two pieces, receiving more clapping in between each. Then came "Bohemian Rhapsody."
Francesca stood up. "We're all going to help with this one," she said. She passed out sheet music, and there were pleased expressions from most of the kids.
"I love this song!" Ava declared.
"We'll play just through the ballad," Francesca said. "Without a solo guitarist, the song loses something after that." Francesca walked over and tapped the music where I was to finish, and I nodded.
I began the introduction. It really is a fun piece to play. I put some emotion into it, thinking of Freddie Mercury for a moment, and then everyone began singing. I played through to the end of the vocal portion, allowed a pause, then played the conclusion, not exactly following Francesca's directions, but it sounded nice, even though I sang the last few words alone. "Any way the wind blows..."
When the last note faded, the room erupted as the kids cheered and high-fived each other. Lara was beaming at me. I thought it was misplaced. It's not that difficult a piece to play, although I had to admit I enjoyed playing it.
Francesca quieted the kids down, got them seated, and I said, "This next song shouldn't be played for another hour, but here goes." I played the "Lullabye," and as soon as the last note faded, I went straight into Pachelbel's "Canon in D."
I didn't notice until I was done, but Lara had moved down to stand beside me while I played the last song. When I finished, I stared at the keys. I'd made two mistakes, and I thought I could have put more passion into it.
"Honey?" Lara said. "Play that one again. For me."
I looked up at her, and she was smiling. So I played it once more, and this time I felt better about it. When I finished, I looked up at Lara. She bent down and kissed me deeply, and the rest of the room began their applause.
Kaylee said, "You're supposed to bow, Michaela!"
So I climbed from my seat. Lara backed away, and I made an awkward bow to the audience. "Please tell me I don't have to do that again," I told Francesca when the applause quieted down. "It was nice of you all to clap though."
"Michaela," Francesca said. "When did you take your first lesson?"
"I don't know. I was too young to remember. Maybe four or so."
"And how long did you take lessons?"
I looked away, sad. "My last lesson with my mother was two days before-" I couldn't finish. Before my mother had been killed.
"You were fourteen?" she asked. I nodded. "You haven't played since?" I shook my head. "Honey, the graduation requirement is one year of music. You've had ten or eleven. The pack has several professional musicians, but this school hasn't had a single student who took more music than was required. You just gave the best recital ever played in this room."
I smiled wanly. I didn't think I had played that well, but Lara was smiling broadly at me.
"We have one more thing we need to do," Francesca said, "then we can all go have our dinners." I hadn't been paying attention, but she was holding a manila file folder. "Alpha, I have something I'd like you to sign."
"All right," Lara said. Francesca handed her the folder. Lara looked at it for a moment, smiled at me, then found a flat surface and signed whatever was in the folder. She handed it back to Francesca.
"Michaela, will you play the Beethoven once more?"
"Do I have to?" I asked, whining. The kids snickered.
"Yes," said Lara.
I sighed, returned to the piano and played it. I accepted my applause then turned to Francesca. "Are you done torturing me?"
She grinned and nodded. "Michaela, our little omega fox," Francesca said. "I apologize if I am misjudging, but I believe you would not prefer a more elaborate ceremony." I offered a puzzled look, which she ignored. "Having completed the high school graduation requirements of the State of Wisconsin and the somewhat more stringent requirements of Wolf Run High School, I wish to congratulate you and offer this diploma." She handed me a beautiful leather-bound folder, and when I opened it, I discovered it contained a high school diploma with my name. Francesca and Lara had both signed it. I realized she had slipped the diploma into the leather folder while my back was turned, playing the Beethoven once more.
I stared at it. I knew this was what I had been working on, but I hadn't really thought about being finished, about ever holding so much as a high school diploma. I looked up at Francesca. "I really did it? This is real?"
"It's real, Michaela," she said.
"And it's about time!" said Angel, who immediately stood up and began clapping. Everyone else joined her. Kaylee ran forward and hugged me then ran back to her brothers, Alan and Jeremy.
I looked down at the diploma, reading every word. I stared where Francesca had written very clearly, "Michaela Redfur".
I looked at Lara, and she was beaming at me. I didn't think I deserved that smile. It was just a high school diploma. Everyone gets one, right? But I was proud. I turned back to Francesca. "Did I really earn this?"
"Yes, honey," she said. "Our requirements are for you to demonstrate competence in the material of each class. And you have demonstrated far, far more than basic competence. You earned it."
"Woo hoo!" Angel said. "A high school degree in three short months." She looked at Francesca. "Why do the rest of us need to go for four years?" There was laughter, and Francesca treated the question as rhetorical.
"Because," I said, "You don't want to miss my sailing class this summer."
"True," Angel said. "So true. Alpha, if I win the next pack night, is it too big a favor to ask the pack to buy a sailboat?"
Lara laughed. "You win, and we'll talk."
I tuned the rest of the conversation out but instead stared at my diploma. The conversation went on around me, and I received hugs I barely noticed, and then in the middle of things, I said, "I want a college degree."
The room grew silent.
"What?" asked
Lara.
"Um. I want a college degree."
Lara grinned at me. "I rather thought you might say that."
Therapy
I continued to meet with Vivian for my therapy twice a week. We varied the schedule and the location. Lara's involvement became less frequent as I grew more comfortable with Vivian.
Vivian told me right away this was going to take time. She told me I would need to confront my fears and my memories from the past. I couldn't continue to hide from them.
"I don't want to confront them," I said. "I want them to go away."
"How has that worked for you so far?" she asked. I didn't have an answer for her.
In some ways, it was easier for me when Lara was with me. When I started to panic, she could calm me down, and I was less likely to panic while she was holding me.
But in other ways, it was also easier when Lara wasn't there. There were things I didn't want to say in front of her. But Vivian had to be careful, because poking into my past always generated an overwhelming need to run and hide.
During one solo session, Vivian asked about my younger years. "What's your earliest memory?"
I thought about it. "I don't know."
"Sure you do. Think of a memory. Tell me about it."
"All right. I remember one night playing 'Für Elise' on the piano. Mother seemed pleased at how well I played, but I knew she played it far better than I did."
"'Für Elise' doesn't seem like an easy piece to play," Vivian suggested.
"It's not bad."
"Tell me about learning to play it."
I tried to think about learning to play the song. I tried to think about learning to play any song. I couldn't imagine I just sat down, looked at the music, and played it. But I couldn't remember struggling with any pieces. I made mistakes, and I remember mother giving Jean and me lessons.
"I don't remember," I told Vivian. "It was a long time ago."
"Of course. Did you play simple pieces on the piano?"
"'Für Elise' is simple."
"I mean children's songs. 'Mary Had a Little Lamb', for instance."
I smiled. "If a wolf played that song, wouldn't it be 'Mary Ate a Little Lamb'?"