Mrs. Chen had invited Carly to dinner with her husband since they’d stayed late at the office and not eaten anything. Carly was happy to accept; she didn’t want to be alone.
She dreaded returning to the empty condo. Kate never seemed to be home, and she had to fight the urge to check her phone for a text from Connor. She knew none would be there, and that would only bring her down further.
“When is your flight on Sunday?” Mr. Chen asked with a soft smile.
“Not till four PM,” Eileen replied. “And then I will be back again next Thursday for a couple of weeks.”
Mr. Chen reached for Eileen’s hand on the table and squeezed. “Will you be able to join me for church then?”
“Oh, yes.” Her eyes brightened and swept to Carly. “Would you like to join us on Sunday? The pastor at our church is really good; his sermons stick with me throughout the week.”
Carly looked up surprised, but she couldn’t think of an excuse. After all, she had no friends in LA. She had no other plans. She tried to maintain her smile, but her anxiety made it difficult. “Sure, what time is the service?”
She hadn’t been in a church since one of her many foster families had required she attend. They all couldn’t be as bad as that one. She hoped.
Chapter Twenty-Three
There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.
Aristotle
“Do you want to go to the gym in the morning?” Ethan asked as he walked me to my door.
I turned with a smile, keys in hand. “Okay. What time?”
He rubbed the back of his head, allowing me that sexy view of his tattooed arm. “It’s kind of late, so I’ll let you sleep in. How about noon?”
“Sure. I’ll see you then.” I opened the door, unsure if I should invite him in; I didn’t want a repeat of last Sunday. I leaned on the door jamb, wavering on what to say.
Ethan intervened, making the decision for me.
“I’ll see you in the morning.” He reached a hand out and cradled my head as he kissed me good night.
I kissed him honestly, with all of my mixed emotions. A little tentatively, but with desire for more.
He smiled against my lips. “Sweet dreams, beauty.”
The nickname didn’t ruin my mood this time. As he walked down the hall, I closed the door and squealed with delight.
I had trouble sleeping, but for the first time, it was due to excitement.
“I have to confess something to you.”
I wrapped my towel around me; the familiar tingles of anxiety bursting through my veins.
Ethan continued to dry himself off as he spoke, “I Googled you.”
“You Googled me?” I crossed my arms, unsure what could be out there. It was still a shock to me that I was Googlable.
I sat on the chaise nearest him. My muscles were tired from our workout, but apprehension made my knee’s weak.
“I shouldn’t have done it, and I won’t do it again.”
“Okay.” I shrugged, unsure of how to respond.
He sat down without touching me, bracing his forearms on his legs, and he spoke quickly, “I read a couple of articles that I have questions about.” He looked over at me and licked his lips. “You don’t have to talk about anything you’re not ready to talk about, but I wanted to be honest with you.”
I nodded, a chilling uncertainty twisting around me, choking me.
“What’s the story with your father? I don’t believe it, but the article claims you and your mother came for his money.” He grabbed my hand to keep me from turning away. “I don’t believe that. But you’ve talked about this month being hard and well, I want to know your story.”
I took a deep breath.
Ethan reached for my other hand so he held them both as he spoke, “If you don’t want to talk about it; you don’t have to. Not yet.”
I attempted to smile at his consideration. Talking about myself was never easy, especially this topic, and he gave me an out. I didn’t even care that he Googled me. I wanted him to know me, and this story reflected more on those in my life than me.
“There’s not much I can tell. I only just found out that Connor was my father when I moved here. He and my mother both knew, but she never told me about him. I guess he gave her money when I was born. She claims he searched us out now, but I don’t know.” I shrugged.
I still had so many questions around the story myself but knew there was a good chance I would never get them answered, not from my mother anyways. She would easily lie to me. She’d been lying to me since I was born.
“It’s hard when you find out that the people you trust have been lying to you. It shifts your whole reality.” He pulled me into his arms and rubbed my back. “I’m here if you need to talk about it.”
I breathed deeply, inhaling his cool minty scent mixed with chlorine. He did understand what it felt like to have your world altered suddenly, but I gained a parent where he lost both of his.
When he relaxed his grip, I pulled back. I tried to give a reassuring smile to let him know I was okay. “My reality did shift, but I already knew I couldn’t trust my mother.” I felt a pang of guilt for speaking ill of her, but I was being honest with him.
He rubbed my arm and I could see the pity in his eyes. I hated that look.
I looked away, and two kids playing in the recreational pool caught my attention. They were dunking and yelling at each other. I hoped they had parents they could trust.
“What else did you read about me?” I asked to change the subject.
He looked from me to the kids playing. “I wonder sometimes if I would have wanted to know sooner. If, when I was that old,”–He nodded to the pool where the boys were now jumping off the edge—“Would I have been better off knowing my parents were lying or not? Would it have made a difference?”
“You can’t think about that type of stuff. What happened, happened. It’s not going to change. Just focus on now and what you can do.” I smiled as a quote from my wall came to mind. “One of my favorite quotes says, ‘you can spend hours, days, or even months analyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could have happened. Or you can leave the pieces where they are and move the fuck on’.”
A shocked laugh escaped him. “Who said that?”
“Tupac.”
He pressed a kiss to my lips and then on my forehead before hugging me to him again. “All right smart girl; I’ll take that advice.”
“Don’t think I forgot. What else did you read? You said you had a couple of questions?”
“The other one’s not important.” When I pulled away, he continued, “I read that you were still into Liam and wanted to get back with him. But I don’t believe that one either.”
I laughed and stood. “You’re right, that’s not true.”
He grabbed my waist before I could walk by him and looked up at me with intensity. “What were your feeling’s for him? Was it like this?”
My stomach clenched. His bright green eyes searched my face, and his dark eyebrows pinched in concern. His firm grip on my hips tightened, and my feelings overwhelmed me. I felt like I was on the edge again, not knowing if I would fly or fall. I met his eyes, hoping he could see my sincerity. “Never have I felt this way.”
I brushed my lips against his in a chaste kiss, mindful of the kids within view. My fingers ran through his damp hair as I straightened up, bracing myself to reveal a cold truth. “I had no feelings for Liam. I’ve never had feelings for any other guy.” I met his eyes. “You’re the only one.”
He stood with a smile and put his arm around me as we walked to the elevator. I smiled with relief, I had revealed a damaged part of myself, and he was still by my side.
“I’ll meet you at the entrance,” Ethan murmured as I exited the limo.
I was ushered into a flurry of activity as Sonja and Chelsea pulled me through the red carpet. We paused for photos, and I soaked up the attention. It was fun with them, es
pecially Sonja who didn’t mind looking silly. She had a dozen different poses and joked with the photographers as we made our way to the entrance of the club.
Then Ethan was by my side, and my focused shifted to him. “Why did you leave?”
He gave me a tight smile. “It’s better you’re not photographed with me; I’m not good publicity.”
As our group stepped onto an elevator, I grabbed his hand. “I don’t care about that. I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you.”
He didn’t respond, but he leaned down and kissed my head.
The party was on the roof of the building. The outdoor setting was decorated with colorful palm trees and neon signs. It wasn’t the typical upscale setting I’d grown used to. But it fit the reason for the celebration, an album release party for one of Liam’s newest ventures. A new group of guys and girls whose mixed styles crossed genres but was best defined as techno rock.
Liam introduced us to the group of young artists this party celebrated, and their fashion matched the neon signs around us.
Ethan kept me close to him, and when we danced with the group, he didn’t leave my side. I’d admired his dancing since I met him, and I was happy to be his sole dance partner. Sydney tried to pull me away at one point, but Ethan kept a firm grip on me, and I was content to stay where I was. Where I wanted to be. Wrapped in his arms. I was tired of worrying about what others thought, and I wasn’t going to sacrifice my happiness for them.
But when we returned to our table, Sonja was in tears, sitting on a chair with her hands covering her face. Liam sat on the table in front of her with her purse in his hands.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking between Liam and Sonja as I sat next to her.
Sonja raised her head from her hands and then embraced me. “Sebastian’s here,” she said in a small voice.
“Did he say something to you?” I asked with concern and a growing panic. I didn’t know the details of their breakup, Sonja hadn’t wanted to talk about it yet, but I knew it was bad enough for her to come back from Italy early.
She shook her head in my shoulder and pulled back, wiping the tears from her face. “No, I don’t want to give him the chance to talk to me. I need to leave.” She smiled at Liam and reached for her purse. “Thanks for getting this for me.”
I stood as she stood. “I’ll go with you. Just give me a moment to get my things.”
She nodded at me, a small smile barely flickering before it disappeared.
Liam spoke up, “I’ll go with her if you wanted to stay.”
I was surprised. This night was for his musical group, but he was willing to leave for Sonja. I wondered where such a seemingly conceited boy, and by all accounts ass hole, had gotten such a strong sense of friendship. I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me though, considering what I knew about his friendship with Ethan.
Ethan stepped to my side, “We can all go.”
The idea of spending time with Ethan and Liam together without the buffer of a large group was enough to make me want to bail, but Sonja’s hold on my hand convinced me to deal with it. This wasn’t about me. I held out hope that others would join us when we said our goodbyes, but they didn’t; everyone else stayed to enjoy the night.
Back at Liam and Ethan’s, Sonja finally started talking.
“There was always little signs. Little things that seemed odd, but I ignored them. I loved him, you know?” She looked around at us, searching for understanding.
I nodded, not really sure where this was going, but my stomach knotted in anticipation of her story.
Standing, she gulped down her glass of white wine.
Liam took her empty wineglass.
She paced as she continued speaking, “But in Italy, he took it to a whole new level. At first, I thought it was sweet, spending all our time in the hotel, but after a couple of days, I wanted to go see things. He was able to leave for business, or some bullshit like that, but I was supposed to stay in the room, waiting for him. When I finally left one day, he flipped out. He said I needed to start acting my part if I wanted to be his wife. What the hell does that mean? I’m only twenty. He even had the nerve to say I needed a new, more responsible, circle of friends.”
“Fuck him. I only considered him a friend for your sake,” Liam said, handing her a refilled glass.
She plopped on the sofa next to me with a huff. “And now he’s back, and I’m going to have to face him at some point. I guess he’s not worried about getting that new circle of friends now. I can’t believe he showed up tonight.”
“You don’t have to deal with him. I’ve got you covered. If he bothers you, let me know.” Liam said, his hands balled into fists at his sides.
“No.” Sonja’s eyes widened. “No. I don’t want him hurt. I’m just frustrated right now. Breakups are hard. Especially when he’s all I’ve known.” She met Liam’s eyes, repeating, “I’m just venting right now. Let it be.”
I squeezed her hand in reassurance. “I get it. You’re allowed to be angry and hurt.”
“We won’t hurt him, but we don’t have to hang out with him anymore either,” Ethan said, glancing to Liam, and he nodded in reluctant agreement.
We turned on a movie after that and all sat in companionable silence. I guess our mutual caring for Sonja made Liam forget whatever issue he had with me.
I cuddled deeper into the curve of his body before realization dawned on me. I was in Ethan’s bed, in Ethan’s arms. It was a wonderful way to wake up.
His arms tightened around me as he kissed the back of my neck. “Good morning, beauty.”
“Hmm, it is,” I agreed as I slowly stretched. Rolling over to face him, I linked my arms around his neck and smiled at the soft look in his eyes. “Did you carry me to bed last night?”
“It was my pleasure,” he said, kissing my shoulder. “So is this.” His lips meant mine.
I paused for a second, thinking about the horrors of morning breath, but when he deepened the kiss, pressing me onto my back as he nipped and sucked at my lips, all worries vanished.
He pulled back from the kiss, bracing his weight on his forearms as he hovered over me. “This is a great way to wake up. You’re hired.” He pushed off the bed, stretching as he walked to his dresser.
Mesmerized by the sight, I watched as his bare abs, chest, and arms elongated when he reached to the ceiling.
His smile widened as he glanced at me. “I don’t think anyone’s ever looked at me the way you do.”
“What's that supposed to mean?” I sat up, adjusting the hem of my dress before I stood.
Ethan tossed me a shirt and sweat pants. “You can wear this till you get to your place.” He stepped closer to me and dipped his head, giving me a light kiss. “What I mean is when you look at me, you make me feel powerful, like I could take on the world and wouldn’t fail.” He dipped down for another kiss before continuing, “It’s a great way to wake up. I need you in my bed every morning.”
My heart expanded with his words, I loved knowing that I had such an effect on him. That I somehow made this perfect man better.
“Good thing I like looking at you.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me for another taste. His lips were warm, full, and addicting.
With a control beyond my capabilities, he ended the kiss. “Why don’t you go get ready, and we can work out this morning.”
I was unstable as he walked away from me. I doubted a run would rid my body of the sexual energy building inside of me. What I needed was Ethan, but he seemed determined not to let that happen. I wouldn’t beg again, but I had to somehow show him I was ready.
~Carly~
Carly sat mesmerized as she listened to the pastor quote scriptures that sounded vaguely familiar but screamed of truth. It was as if he was speaking directly to her. She felt the void he spoke of and the insatiable need to fill it. But nothing worked.
“Nothing we find here on earth can fill that emptiness we have. Oh, you can try, but no matter how much you s
tuff into your life, you will never fill all the empty crevasses in your heart. We need to look beyond earthly pursuits, to the heavens. To God and his son, Jesus Christ. He alone knows the shape of your heart and can fill it completely. Amen.”
The crowd around her echoed, “Amen. Amen.”
She found herself nodding in agreement, tears prickling at the corner of her eyes, although she wasn’t even sure why. She’d tried to do this on her own; it sounded like an easy choice. Stop trying, and let it go to God. Let him take control and take away her pain. But how could that be possible?
Eileen grabbed her hand and smiled. “I told you he was good.”
Eileen seemed to emanate light and positivity. Was this her secret? Carly wasn’t sure but decided she would stay close to her till she could find out.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie.
Ann Landers
“Eileen Chen’s central office is in San Francisco, that’s where I’m going. I’ll be back next Friday.”
I stood in my mother’s doorway as she selected jewelry to add to her luggage. I wanted to be happy for her. She seemed to glow with enthusiasm for her new job, and it had nothing to do with a man. That was a first for her. But besides that, it all felt too familiar. If the central office was in San Francisco, how long would it be before she’d want to move again?
As much anger and hurt she caused me, she was still my mother. And it was hard to stay mad at her when I knew her past. She’d grown up alone, in and out of foster homes with no one. I was all she had, and she tried her best to care for me. She just didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. Neither did I.
“What?” She questioned with a tilt of her head as I approached; her voice sounded like the bird she resembled.
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