As an ex-fed, he well might, or have contacts who could help. I hone in on why Duke’s club had attracted him. “Crazy Wolves a White club?”
Her eyes roam over my face. “Let’s just say you’d never get a step in the door.”
Her answer isn’t unexpected. Hell, it was only just before I joined that the Satan’s Devils removed the colour clause restricting membership. When I’d first joined, I’d expected some flack as the token Black member, but here no one is judged by the colour of their skin, it’s the heart beating beneath it that matters.
Something occurs to me. Something important. “And you, Saffie? You buy into the White shit?” I hold my breath.
“Me?” Her eyes widen. “Hell no. Niran, I might not know a lot about you, but from what I’ve seen, you’re hands down better than any man in that club.” Shaking her head, she adds, “There’s no sense in judging a man by his colour. It’s just one more excuse for them to bind together and do the shit they do.”
She’s got that right. Problem is, there are far too many who hide under that umbrella, believing anyone looking different to them is a threat to be removed. For a moment, my hands clench as I force myself to put issues of race aside that have so often been the blight of my life. A White man can walk down any street unmolested, as if there’s a flag saying ‘I’m no threat’ above his head. A man such as me? Most of the time, I’m a suspected criminal until proved innocent.
I take a moment, then get back to the point, and one which annoys me no less. “The Freedom Trail needs to tighten up its shit. The only thing that makes sense is that this Grit hacked into their database and discovered your new identity.” I make a mental note to talk to Stormy and get him to check Grit out, find out exactly what kind of threat he is. At the least, if she moves on, next time Stormy and his crew need to do better.
“To be safe, I need to move away without leaving a trace. How the hell am I going to do that, Niran? What’s to stop Duke from finding any new name I choose again?” Saffie covers her eyes with her hands and rubs them.
I repeat to her what Token had told me when he’d caught me finding the tools to put on her lock. “This time we’ll make sure your new identity will never be discovered. It won’t be shared with the Freedom Trail nor anyone else. Once you’re relocated, we can destroy all records and traces of it. There’s ways for you to disappear completely if it comes to it.”
Sadly, she shakes her head, then turns watery eyes to face me. “Does that mean you wouldn’t be able to find me either?” It means exactly that. Earlier Token had suggested her new identity might not be shared even with me. Something I find abhorrent. All I can do is hope it doesn’t come to that and persuade her there’s another route she can go down.
For now, though, I give her that comfort. “If we do this right, Saffie. Then no.” She must know I’ll never betray her. But she needs that confidence that she’ll disappear without a trace. Even to those who have innocent reasons to find her.
Turning away, I know I can’t bear the thought of her once again having to rebuild her life. A hard thing to do at any time, but with her still immersed in her grief? Hell, I wouldn’t rehome a dog unless it was fully fit, and probably not even then.
She can’t leave. I offer the alternative. “You’ve got another option,” I tell her. As her brow creases, I continue, “We get Duke out of the picture.” Her lips narrow, but I don’t give her a chance to speak. “If you accept the protection of the Satan’s Devils MC, then we can deal with him for you.”
Her face, which hasn’t got much colour to start with, pales before my eyes. She even takes a step back. “You forget, Niran, I know how an MC works.” Her words sound forced, almost staccato. “Unless the MC is being paid, protection is only offered to property. I’m not a whore, I’ve never been, and will never be.” Tears once again leak from her eyes.
“Fuck, Saffie. How could you think we’d ask you to repay us by working on your back?”
“Well what else do you want?” she snaps. “You’ve probably found out that I come from a wealthy family, but there’s no chance of them paying you to protect me. For all I know, I’m dead to them now.”
“Saffie.” I try to keep my voice low, particularly when I hear feet walking past the door. I’d close it for this conversation, but now’s not the time to give off the wrong signals and make her more scared than she already is. “We’re not asking for money.”
“You want me to believe you’re doing this out of the goodness of your hearts?” She’s growing angry. “You think I’m stupid? You think your club would go to war for me? If Duke finds out you’re protecting me, he’ll come for me, and he doesn’t take prisoners. Or is it the Devils who have lost their minds? Are you so far away from a normal MC, that you’ve forgotten the blood that can be spilled? You, your brothers, would be putting your lives on the line for me if you go up against Duke.” She gets to her feet, shakily, but there’s determination in her eyes. “Your men…” She waves her hand. “You tell me you’re different from the Wolves, if that’s true, you’ve no idea what you’re up against. Duke wouldn’t come for a conversation, he’d come in with all guns blazing. And when push comes to shove, you think your brothers would give their lives for a woman who’s basically walked in off the street?”
“We’re not fuckin’ stupid,” I hiss, ignoring her accusing finger pointed my way. “Nor weak.”
“If everything you do is legal, perhaps you’ve forgotten how to fight. Duke hasn’t, I assure you.”
She’s pressing my buttons and I’m getting riled. It’s my temper that pushes the fateful words out of me. “You’re fuckin’ right, Saffie. My brothers wouldn’t go to war for just anybody. It’s property that’s protected. That’s why I’ve claimed you as my old lady.”
She gasps and retreats once again. A trembling hand rises to her face, and she shakes her head as if wondering if her ears are working. In a growl, she rasps, “Say that again.”
I’ve gone and fucked up. I know it. I shouldn’t have spat that out, should have kept it to myself. Another woman would have believed we’d help because we were sorry for her, but Saffie’s got too much experience with MCs. The Devils might not be the Wolves, but we work to many of the same principles.
Tonight should have been a time for her to rest and settle in. Fuck, that’s why I came to secure her door. Instead, what I’ve said could get her running for the hills, and I wouldn’t blame her.
“Saffie, listen to me.” I brush my hands over my head, linking my fingers together behind my neck. “Before I knew about your connection with the Crazy Wolves, I was gutted by the problems you were going through and wanted to help you. I wanted to be there for you, just as a friend. But throw in Duke and his MC, that’s not enough. You need more than just me on your side, you need my club.” Breaking off, I shrug. “Taking you as my old lady ensures your protection.”
“I’m not a fucking dog you rescued from the pound,” she throws back. “I’m a human being with wants, needs and desires all of my own. I’m not someone who can just be claimed. Hell, even Duke asked me first.”
“You’d have said no if I asked you.” Christ, I can’t believe the words that come out of my mouth. I should be conciliatory, but each of my utterances seems designed to make matters worse.
Her eyes widen and fill with horror. “You’ve already done this? Claimed me? Voted me in?”
I grimace. “The prez and VP know.” I don’t add it was their suggestion. Knowing it hadn’t been my proposal and I’d been virtually forced into it would hardly have helped.
She stomps her foot. “Well, apart from a vote which I presume you’d have, that makes it official doesn’t it?” Now her face has colour in it. I wish that it didn’t as her cheeks blaze red. “What happens next? You want my name tattooed on your body? Yours on mine? Well, if you do, you’ll have to cover up Duke’s name first. You want to fuck me to seal the deal? Well, I’ve got news for you, asshole, you’d have to force me into your bed.”
Her cheeks are puffing out and receding as she draws breath after angry breath. As I go to speak, she holds up her hand. “I’ve had it up to here,” she raises her hand to her chin, “of people making decisions for me. Of not having a choice. I thought you were a good man, Niran, but here you are, acting just like Duke. All I know is I never want to be an old lady again, not even a wife. I belong to myself, and no one else.”
My teeth grind together. “It works both ways, Saffie. You agree to be mine, then I’m yours, and that includes everything I bring along with me, including my Devil brothers. Think before saying no. I can’t see you’re in any position to refuse.”
“We barely know each other. And you’ve given no sign of being attracted to me. Are you that shallow?” Her eyes widen. “Perhaps things are different in the Crazy Wolves MC. There, men take having an old lady seriously. Do the Devils take them and swap them like a dirty pair of underwear? Doesn’t that title mean anything to you?”
“It means the world to us,” I protest, realising if that’s true, I’m jumping in with both feet. I’m telling her I’m viewing this as a permanent arrangement.
She’s not stupid. She challenges my declaration. “You really want me? Want me in your life? Want me riding behind you, and in your bed every night? You really want that, Niran?”
“I want you to be safe!” My shout rings in the air and my fingers curl into my fists. That’s all I want. The other stuff? Nah, how can I say whether I want that or not? I don’t really know her, what she likes or dislikes, whether we’re compatible in bed or out of it. When the thought of taking an old lady crossed my mind, it would have been me heading into it with every pertinent i dotted and t crossed.
Dart and Lost had forced the situation upon me, and I’d agreed only so she had protection. I hadn’t thought anything further than that. But I hadn’t put up much of a fight about it.
“Saffie.” I calm my tone. “Look at it as a pretend situation. I call you my ol’ lady, and you’ll have the Devils at your back.”
Her head drops again, she takes a few breaths, then she looks up. “You’re not thinking straight, Niran. Your brothers won’t have your back for a fake relationship, nor offer their support to me. And you wouldn’t ask it of them. And even if you ask me to play the part, I’m in no place where I can do that.” Her hands wrap around her empty belly. “I don’t even want to think about having another man in my life.”
She doesn’t want me. That hurts more than it should.
“Staying alive is important, Saffie.” I don’t want her dead but have to acknowledge the points she’s made. How could I ask my brothers for support if this was all a lie? I’d be asking my brothers to risk their lives for someone with no connection to the MC. Unless this has at least a chance of becoming real, there’s no point in starting the pretence.
I gaze at her standing there, weighed down by her fear and her grief, undernourished and a shadow of the woman I expect she could be. Would tying her down be unfair?
I can’t pile more problems on a woman who’s carrying a weight no one should be asked to bear. Not only trying to come to terms with the loss of her child, but her past. Whether the Devils are different or not, how would she ever be happy associated with another MC? Even if I were in the position to declare undying love for her, it would be too much to ask.
I start to pace, one side of the room to the other, then back. My hands brush over my head, then do it again.
Damn it. How can I do this to her? I should step back, let her leave, go somewhere that I could never find. Let the tech guys burn all trace of her, let her leave me behind.
But I feel such a pull toward her. The thought of her disappearing and me never seeing her again, never knowing if Duke’s caught up with her, how could I live with that on my mind?
But how could I trap her in a relationship neither of us wants?
Damn being fair, that’s the last thing on my mind. I want this broken but strong woman in my life. Being there, at my back and my side, and one day, when the time’s right, it would be no hardship to take her into my bed. Stopping my pacing, I take a step toward her, not too close, but enough so she can read the sincerity in my face.
“Saffie. Say you’ll be my ol’ lady. Stay with me. Accept the protection of my club. Anything more than that, we’ll take one step at a time.” When she gives a sharp dismissive shake of her head, I continue before she can stop me. “I want you, Saffie. I want to protect you. I want you on the back of my bike and to be part of my life.”
“You don’t know me.” Her eyes close briefly, then reopen again. “You’ve only seen me at my worst, maybe you won’t like my best.”
“Hell, Saffie. Don’t you think seeing you cope with the shit in your life gives me some sense of your measure? Don’t you see how fuckin’ strong and capable you are, just to be still standing on both legs after all you’ve been through?”
“You love me?” she challenges.
My mouth snaps shut. How could I know? It’s far too early. Like, respect, but love? How do I even know what that emotion feels like?
She snorts. “Even Duke could lie when it came to that.”
“I’ll never lie to you, Saffie. I like you, one hell of a lot. I think there’s a basis for something to grow on.”
Her hand rises as if it’s going to touch my face, but never makes contact. “I don’t love you, Niran. I like you as a friend. I’ve been burned so badly, I don’t know if I’ll ever want another man again, and certainly not to be his property. Even if I did,” her hand drops to her flat stomach, “now’s certainly not the right time.” She grimaces. “I can’t make you any promises or give you false hope, not when I feel dead inside.”
I’m a bastard for pushing her. I should have kept everything quiet. I’ve fucked everything up. I’m selfish, only thinking that losing her would leave a hole in my life. Have I been considering her at all, or my own desires and wants?
“You’re right,” I finally concede, my face falling and something dying inside. “I won’t claim you. You stay with us for a few days while we get your new identity sorted and the rest of your life worked out.”
She glances around the room, her eyes landing on the meagre possessions she brought with her, then she straightens her back.
“Niran,” she begins, softly. “I do appreciate you trying to help. I’m in no place to consider a relationship, even if you feel something on your part. To stay one step ahead of Duke, I’ll have to leave San Diego, and all of the friends that I’ve made.” She emphasises the word friend to let me know that includes me. “I’m grateful. I do need help to set up a new identity, but that doesn’t mean I need to be here while that’s done.”
“Saffie—”
“Being here isn’t good for me.” She turns to face me. “I’m scared, Niran. Whatever you say, however nice Patsy is, I keep waiting for the Devils to act like the Wolves.”
“What do you intend to do then?” Now she’s implying she’s not even going to stay for the time to get her ID sorted.
“I need to go back to my apartment, to pack everything that I can take with me. Then, I’ll leave. Go to a motel, or something. One that takes cash.”
“You got the money?”
She shrugs. “I’ve got enough. I’m not looking for luxury, just somewhere to crash.”
“Saffie,” I try again. “You shouldn’t be alone right now.” Apart from the fact there’s a mad man after her, doesn’t everyone need a friend? Especially after what she’s been through.
“I’ve been alone for months, well, five years to be exact.” She shrugs. “As long as Duke doesn’t know where to find me, I’ll be alright.”
That feels like a kick to my gut. It’s not because I was expecting her to jump at the chance of being my old lady, hell, I wasn’t exactly thinking I was going to have to fight her off, but she doesn’t even want my shoulder to lean on.
Why should I have regrets about a woman I barely know? Why should I find her announcement so devas
tating? Dart and Lost would probably think it’s the best thing for the club. As for me? She’s damaged, she’s not whole, she might never be again. But I hate the thought I’m going to lose all contact with her.
But what can I say? I dove in with both of my overlarge feet, I should have expected her reaction. I’ve chased her off.
What do I do?
“Stay tonight,” I tell her, unable to think of anything else. “I’ve put the lock on your door. If you’re still of the same mind in the morning, we’ll make sure you get home safe, and help you get relocated elsewhere.”
Her yawn suggests she might be weakening. And indeed, it’s not long before she agrees. “Until morning. But Niran, I’m under enough pressure as it is. Please, don’t keep trying to wear me down. I’ve made my decision. I won’t go back on it.” She pauses, then adds the killing blow. “That goes for Patsy, Mary and anyone else who thinks they can help. I need to do this alone.”
Because—my head adds in the missing words—that’s how she’ll be going forward and preparing to start all over again.
“Saffie.” Words come out of my mouth before I’m conscious I’ve come to a decision. “If you go, I’m coming with you.” So she’s left in no doubt, I add, “I’ll leave the club.” To show her I can do it, I take off my cut. More than that, I let it drop from my hand onto the floor.
“Niran!” I’ve shocked her. “Niran?” she repeats, and her eyes narrow as though assessing me as a man without the cut.
Is it enough? Will that convince her? Will that stop her from walking out of my life?
“Think on it, Saffie. I’m yours however you want me.”
She seems lost for words.
“Say it, Saffie. Just say you’ll think about it. Wherever you go, you could have me with you. However you want me. I won’t put pressure on you, but you won’t be alone anymore.”
Time ticks by. How many minutes, I’m not sure, but eventually she says, “Okay, I’ll think about it.”
Avenging Devil Part 1: Satan’s Devils MC - San Diego Chapter #3 Page 30