by Lewis, R. J.
I smirked down at her. Fuck, she had no clue. “You’re really not all that, Trudy. You think you are, but the way you’ve been lately, you’re probably some STD walking skank now, fucking man-whores just as bad.”
“You’re a man-whore!”
“I didn’t stick my dick into just anything.”
“You stuck it into me.”
I shot her a look of disgust. “Yeah, back before you cheapened yourself. For your sake, Tru, you gotta stop that shit. Or else one day nobody’s going to be around when you’ve passed out in some alleyway in the middle of Hedley, around druggies and fucked up nobodies who won’t stop themselves from taking advantage of you. For fuck’s sake, not even your fake friends are going to be around to save the day. So wise the fuck up.”
I left her like that, not bothering to hear what else she had to say. The last thing I wanted was to stand around and talk about what we had before. It felt wrong to do that, and not just to Allie, but to me. That shit was in my past where it needed to stay.
As I neared the elevator, I glanced over my shoulder and at her. She had her knees to her chest and her face hidden in between them. I heard her drunken sobs before disappearing in the elevator. She needed some serious help, and there was no way in hell I was going to be the one to do it. I had my own woman to care for. She had her own problems, and she needed me to help fix them. Especially with her confidence since having Kayden. Allie still looked gorgeous to me, just with rounder curves and a bigger ass. Hell, I’d say she looked better than she ever did before.
When I finally made it to the apartment, I went straight to the shower. I rinsed the grime off of me, and with it went all my energy and adrenaline from tonight. I was limp as a noodle when I got out and finally joined Allie in bed.
I wrapped an arm around her still figure and held her for a while. She hadn’t stirred the entire time I was out. I’d never seen her so exhausted. I took in her smell, ran the tip of my nose along her shoulder and felt my heart explode the way it always did when I touched her.
I slept for two hours before the alarm went off.
*
It took two weeks before the house was discovered. Like the first time, I watched the chaos from afar. Only this time I didn’t pace around in nerves, expecting someone to come looking for me.
No.
This time I was confident. Nobody was after me. They were too busy pointing fingers at each other. The violence mostly struck at night, and bodies piled on top of bodies. The Syndicate tortured gang members from all different groups across Hedley; they tortured them for answers and then they were dumped like trash on the side of the road when they couldn’t offer any. The death toll kept rising, and the police made their lame statements, making promises about catching all those involved. Yet I hardly saw a change in police activity. They were probably waiting it out too.
I didn’t feel guilty or responsible. These were murderers. They were carbon copies of Ricardo, walking the streets alongside innocent people. People like Allie and Kayden. They were capable of all kinds of evil, and they didn’t deserve one shred of thought.
By meddling, Marko and I were destroying gangs. We were damaging ties and business deals. And it wasn’t long after that something began to dawn on me.
In order to fight the bad, one had to be bad too.
Five
Allie
Hooray to another shit day!
Not.
I stepped onto the rickety bus after classes. My head still pounded from all the lectures. Deciding to go into Psychology instead, I found myself mentally drained from so much studying. Despite my pounding head, I didn’t regret it. It was the right path for me, especially if it meant I could find work rehabilitating drug users after I did my degree. A lot of people questioned my sanity when I told them what I wanted to do, especially my guidance counsellor who warned me of the “scum” I’d be around. Yeah, very encouraging stuff like that was said to me all the time…
But after living in a town filled with gangs who distributed a shit load of drugs, it was clearly a pandemic, and it spread out everywhere. I knew leaving Hedley wouldn’t offer a better life. Access to drugs was becoming easier these days. Turning my back on the town I grew up in and leaving the kids that were vulnerable to this pattern felt wrong in every way. So I figured what better way to live my life than help people that were destroyed by their addictions and maybe even give awareness to a young mind approaching that lifestyle?
It was the only career path that stood out, even if the pessimistic side of me doubted I’d make any changes in a fucked up town so far off its moral compass.
Still. I was trying, and that was better than taking a backseat and watching hope drain from countless faces as their worlds plunged into darkness. And all over what? Something that gave them some kind of high for a short period of time and made them miserable the rest? It was bullshit.
So fuck the guidance counsellor calling people scum. She could take her advice and lodge it up a place where the sun don’t shine.
Taking a seat in the front – and making sure not to make eye contact with the creepy people in the back – I clutched my backpack to my chest and looked out the window. The bus was on route to Mom’s house, and while I dreaded being around her and her incessant criticisms about my parenting, it was nice that she had offered to look after Kayden when I was in class. Her ice cold heart thawed around him, and I was hopeful there was room yet for our own relationship to blossom. See? I was fighting my pessimism because nobody likes a Debbie Downer.
“Hey, pretty lady,” came a familiar voice.
Jumping, my head shot to the side just as a big frame slid into the empty seat next to me. I stared up at Matt’s smiling face and my body instantly relaxed.
“Jesus, you scared me,” I said with a relieved smile.
He shot me an apologetic look. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“It’s not your fault. I was lost in thought.”
Eyeing the backpack, he asked, “Just come back from school?”
I nodded. “Yeah, a whole morning of classes. On my way to my mom’s now to pick up Kayden.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Wow, didn’t know you guys were cool after… you know.”
I shrugged. “Can’t say we’re perfect, but she offered to look after Kayden some days. Beats putting him in day care.”
“I take it day care is killer on the wallet, huh?”
“Yeah, but I also trust my mom to look after him more than I trust anyone else.”
“Trust is always an issue,” he agreed thoughtfully. My eyes jumped from his tired face and down his body. He wasn’t his usual pristine self. His clothes were dimpled and messy, like he’d been in them for a couple days. He didn’t smell bad, but that was probably because he’d drowned in cologne, concealing the smell of faint alcohol.
“What about Heath?” he then asked. “How’s he doing?”
“He’s good,” I answered. “He’s been doing a lot of overtime, so he’s pretty tired a lot of the time.”
“I’ve been meaning to catch up with him, but I haven’t seen him fight. The last one was him and Marko, and he was too concerned about getting out of there than stopping for a chat.”
His fight with Marko… That was a fortnight ago. “No,” I disagreed, “he fought last week too.”
Now Matt looked confused. “Last week? You sure?”
“Yeah, he won, too.”
“Huh, must have missed it or something. And of course he’d win. That guy’s unstoppable. Unless he’s against Marko, of course, then it’s hard to know for sure.”
I resisted rolling my eyes at the mention of Marko. I didn’t like the guy. He gave me the creeps. There was something very off about him, and I wished Heath stopped spending so much time with him outside of work and family time. They’d been inseparable, and I was paranoid Marko was going to bring Heath down in some way. Sometimes you could tell who the bad apples were, and my bet was he was a rotten one.
/> “Do you like Marko?” I asked him inquisitively.
He thought about it for a moment before shrugging. “I can’t say I know him on a personal level to say for sure.”
“But looking at him, what do you feel?”
He chuckled, catching onto my disdain. “He’s pretty weird, I guess. I get a very off vibe.”
I nodded immediately, looking out the window, muttering, “Me too.”
“You worried about Heath spending time with him?”
“Yeah,” I admitted, glad I could actually bring this to someone. “I don’t want Heath getting caught up in some kind of bad because of him. It’s just the feeling I get when I look at Marko, like he’s using him or something. It’s silly, I know.”
Matt nudged my shoulder, and I turned my head to look at him. His light eyes probed my face and a sincere expression crossed him before he said, “It’s not silly. Guys like him don’t just blow into this kind of town because they want to.”
No, they certainly didn’t. A chill ran down my spine as I wondered all kinds of horrific possibilities. What would bring a massive guy like Marko into Hedley? He’d come out of nowhere, stepping into the ring to fight and suddenly showing up at the same workplace as Heath. Some part of me considered he was seeking Heath out for something.
“Yeah,” I said quietly, “do you know anything about him? I’ve hardly stepped out of the apartment unless I’m going to school. I haven’t been keeping my finger on the gossip around town.”
He let out a slow breath, his eyebrows shooting up again – this time in distaste – as he muttered, “Yeah, I’ve heard lots about him, and uh… they’re not all that great.”
Now I was really curious. “Like what?”
He cleared his throat, looking a little uncomfortable. “He…Well… They say he raped his sister.”
My breath escaped my lungs in a whoosh. I thought he was a creepy bastard, but I never thought it was to this extent. My eyes widened in alarm as I gaped at Matt. He just nodded at me, sharing in my shock.
“He raped his sister?” I repeated. “Why would he do that?”
“Well, apparently, when he was a teenager, he was really fucking weird. He was possessive as hell about his sister, and then talk started that he was in love with her or some crazy shit like that. But that was after he’d put her boyfriend in hospital for sleeping with her. Broke his legs or something along those lines. Again, Allie, this is just gossip. I don’t know shit from the truth.”
“But what do you think?”
He shrugged, scanning the bus for a moment as if Marko might jump out of nowhere. “I can’t really say. A lot of people have a fucked up past, right?”
“Yeah, but that’s… a whole other kind of fucked up.”
He laughed and nodded heartily. “Man, that’s the kind of fucked up you don’t come back from. You can’t redeem someone that’s done that. If he has… well, shit, he’s insane and nothing can ever change that.”
I frowned, mulling this bizarre new information over for several moments. I wondered if Heath knew. He wouldn’t be able to defend Marko about that, unless there was a rational explanation for all of it. But even then, that rational explanation would have to be pretty freaking spectacular to fend against those kinds of accusations.
I pressed the button when my street approached. I was surprised when Matt got up to get out too. I gave him a peculiar look on the way out of the bus and he chuckled.
“I’m visiting my uncle,” he explained. “Not stalking you, I promise.”
I laughed. “Right, right. Is that what you say to all your victims?”
“Oh, yeah, every one of them,” he joked. “No, but seriously, he lives down the road here, half a block from your mom’s house. He’s disabled, so he can’t get a lot of work done. Today I gotta get him groceries. Been putting it off for too long now.”
“Putting it off?”
“He’s not very easy to be around, if you catch my drift.”
Thinking of Mom, I said, “I know what that’s like. But that’s very nice of you anyway. You don’t have your father to help you out?”
“No, my father passed away a very long time ago.”
Another thing we could relate about. “Well, I hope you don’t have to take the bus to get him his groceries, though. I thought you had a car.”
He grinned, that pretty boy face finally breaking through his exhaustion. “Got into a car crash last week. Fucker drove through a stop sign and slammed right into the passenger side of my SUV.”
“Holy shit, that’s awful.”
“It’s alright. Insurance is taking care of it. I’ll get it fixed, but I’ll be jumping buses and begging for rides in the meantime.”
Poor guy. “You can always call Heath up if you ever get stuck. I’ll let him know about it.”
He nodded and shot me a smile in thanks. We walked in silence the rest of the way, until he pointed to the house that belonged to his uncle. For a tiny house, it looked better than most on the block. It was tidy and clean, and the tended garden out front made it more inviting. As we separated, I waved goodbye to him and hurried in the direction of Mom’s house.
“Hey, Allie,” he suddenly called.
I stopped and turned around. He jogged to me, his face looking conflicted as he came to a stop in front of me. Without looking me in the eye, he got very close, and I would have stepped back had it been anybody else. But this was Matt. His intentions weren’t bad, plus he never looked at me in any other way than friendly.
“I have to get something off my chest,” he said in a solemn voice.
I held my breath and didn’t respond. What the hell did he possibly have to say to me? I was nervous by his uncomfortable demeanour, hoping it wasn’t something heavy. But the way he tried to gather his courage, it must have been.
With a sigh, he started. “In the beginning, when I saw you and Heath spending so much time together, I was worried. I didn’t want him to use you. I’ve known Heath for as long as I’ve known Ryker, and I knew he went through a lot of women. I didn’t want to see you hurt a second time, so… I went to Ryker in prison and I told him about it. I warned him about Heath getting close to you, and I told him I suspected there was something going on between the two of you. I shouldn’t have stuck my nose in your business, but Ryker had wanted me to keep an eye on you, and I guess at the time I felt like it was the right thing to do. I was wrong. I regret doing it, and I’m sorry.”
He told him about us? Anger ripped through me, and I tried my best to push it away. I felt irritated at his confession. It explained Ryker’s attitude the last time I spoke to him. It was like he knew what I was going to say. Just remembering that time gave me unpleasant feelings.
I let out a slow breath and tried to look at it from Matt’s angle. I needed to be understanding. He was Ryker’s close friend, of course he’d felt obligated to do it. He didn’t need to be punished – I was sure he’d been punishing himself enough as it was judging by his hesitation.
“Are you still seeing him?” I asked curiously.
“No,” he answered. “He’s refusing visitations. I think he’s trying to keep clear from me. Before he got busted, we drifted apart a bit, so… I’m not surprised he wants to sever our friendship.”
I mulled his words over for a moment. It was good to know Ryker wasn’t just avoiding us but everyone else too.
“It’s okay,” I finally reassured him. “I see why you did it. You were also looking out for Ryker, and in a way I’m glad. He deserved to know long before I had the courage to tell him. Don’t feel bad and don’t be sorry.”
“Really?” he said incredulously, looking about my face in astonishment. “You’re not going to tear my head off?”
“No.”
“You’re… pretty damn understanding, Allie.”
“Because everyone has their own reasons. I don’t have the right to judge.” Really eager to get away after that, I glanced down at my watch. “Look, I gotta go. Thanks for telling
me the truth, Matt. I’ll see you around, okay?”
I didn’t wait for him to respond. I turned around and hurried away, shocked to find myself fighting tears on my way to the house. The pain I caused Ryker… I didn’t want to think about it. I’d been angry at him for everything he’d put me through, and I lashed out feeling justified for letting him go. But anger fades away and what’s left behind are the words that were said – and words never fade away. They become part of your past, forever following you, and forever making you wish you’d chosen different ones.
I was in a bad mood by the time I was at the front door knocking. Mom was holding Kayden in her arms when she opened it. She didn’t say a word to me, nor did she glance more than a second at my face. She just turned around and disappeared back inside while I followed her in.
In the living room, she carefully set Kayden down on the play mat I’d given her.
“Was he easy today?” I asked, not bothering with normal pleasantries.
“Babies are never easy,” she answered, looking indifferently at me before disappearing into the kitchen.
I rolled my eyes – she was in that kind of mood today – and dropped down to Kayden’s level. He was freshly changed in another outfit, his hair recently washed and his skin smelling like baby soap. Despite Mom’s dislike toward me, she obviously loved her grandson to bits.
Kayden cooed when he saw me, and he latched his tiny hand around my finger before bringing it to his mouth to suckle on. I laughed and covered his chubby face with kisses. “I missed you, little man. So, so much.” It was never easy being away from him. I thought time would help that, but it didn’t. I felt like a piece of me was missing every time I had to leave him.
Mom returned and set the baby bag down. She hovered nearby, her shadow falling over us. The calm before the storm, I knew, and I braced myself.
Holding the formula tin, she shook it at me and said, “Kayden has a serious problem with this formula, Allie. He’s colicky, and his poo is darker than it should be. Have you even put your nose to the bottle when you’ve finished making one? It smells disgusting.”