Divine Dora
THE DEMON DIARIES
CLAIRE CHILTON
WWW.CLAIRE-CHILTON.COM
Divine Dora by Claire Chilton
First published in Great Britain by Ragz Books 2015
This edition published by Ragz Books
Copyright © 2015 by Claire Chilton
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
All rights reserved.
Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, and the United Kingdom Copyright Act of 1956 and 1988. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
Published in Great Britain by Ragz Books
Illustration by Claire Chilton
CONTENTS
COVER
START
COPYRIGHT
CONTENTS
BOOK DESCRIPTION
DEDICATIONS
ONE | CAMP ANGEL
TWO | HEAVENLY RAINBOWS
THREE | GET YOUR WINGS
FOUR | THE CITY OF ANGELS
FIVE | HOLY MIND-FUCK
SIX | THE LIBRARIANS
SEVEN | HEAVENLY HORRORS
EIGHT | DOWN THERE
NINE | VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED
TEN | LETTUCE
ELEVEN | STOLEN KISSES
TWELVE | FALLING FOR AN ANGEL
THIRTEEN | THE GUILT TRAP
FOURTEEN | HOLY HIDEOUT
FIFTEEN | NO MORE HEROES
SIXTEEN | ANGELIC INTERROGATION
SEVENTEEN | FINDING GOD
EIGHTEEN | DON'T KICK THE ROCKS
NINETEEN | GOLDEN ROAD
TWENTY | EMOTIONAL ABYSS
TWENTY-ONE | GOD'S GARDEN
TWENTY-TWO | SNAKEBITE
TWENTY-THREE | SECRET IDENTITY
TWENTY-FOUR | THE NAME OF GOD
TWENTY-FIVE | THE ALMIGHTY ALARM
TWENTY-SIX | GENESIS
TWENTY-SEVEN | I AM SPARTACUS
TWENTY-EIGHT | GOD, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING
TWENTY-NINE | EXODUS
THIRTY | 66B HELLSGATE APARTMENTS
THIRTY-ONE | THE FALLEN ONE
A HINT OF HELL CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
A HINT OF MAGIC
DEMONIC DORA
DECEASED DORA
AUTHOR'S NOTE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
MORE BOOKS
Divine Dora
THE DEMON DIARIES
HEAVEN JUST TURNED OUT TO BE WORSE THAN HELL!
After being killed, Dora Carridine was shipped off to Heaven. But she’s not ready to give up her life just yet, especially not when it means spending eternity in angel boot camp.
She does everything in her power to try to get home, but nothing works. Even if she manages to escape Camp Angel and survive the sadistic drill sergeant, she still doesn’t know how to get her body back.
Powerless and alone, she decides that there is only one thing she can do. Dora has to find God and hope he’s not a sanctimonious dick.
DEDICATIONS
This book is dedicated to Jonathan Eldred for his help with this series and the characters in it, especially Lucian.
Thank you to Scarlett Olguin for being one of the first of many amazing readers and supporters of The Demon Diaries.
A special thanks to Michelle Hoffman for being a truly exceptional beta reader.
And thank you to all the wonderful fans and readers for joining me on this series. Without you, the stories wouldn't exist. I hope they made you smile.
One
Camp Angel
Dora Carridine threw herself onto the ground with a yelp when she saw a blast of angel fire shooting in her direction. Her pulse raced at the sight of the white flames blazing through the dark sky toward her.
Turning and falling at the same time, she widened her eyes at the sight of the muddy bog below her before she landed face first in a ditch with a loud splat as the holy fire exploded behind her, causing the ground to shake from the eruption.
The cold earth squelched through her fingers as she clawed into it, trying to push herself up. Her exhausted muscles trembled when she rolled over with a groan, swiping the mud off her face and staring down at it in horror as little pieces of glitter sparkled in it.
Fucking glitter mud!
She shook her head. Only in Camp Angel would the dirt be sparkly.
“Get off your ass, recruit!” A deep voice bellowed beside her.
She turned her head to see Sergeant Fluffers towering over her, his golden chest plate reflecting light around him like some kind of god as his golden hair fluttered in the breeze behind him.
“Piss off, Fluffy,” she muttered under her breath at her unrelenting drill sergeant.
“What did you say?” He bellowed as he clenched his hands into giant fists. The blood rushed to his face, reddening it as a vein throbbed in his forehead.
She sighed, biting back the urge to repeat herself. She knew that if she rebelled again, the punishment would be ridiculous—like that time they’d made her do speed ballet for twenty-four hours. “I said this stuff is sloppy.” She pointed to the mud.
“Well, that’s a very acute observation. Now, GET YOUR ASS UP AND KEEP GOING!” Fluffers went from sane to psycho in a split-second.
She scowled at him, her muscles still aching from the assault course she’d had to fight her way through so far.
He narrowed his blue eyes as a ball of white angel fire ignited in his left hand. “Perhaps you need motivation.” He raised his hand.
Widening her eyes, she realized that he was serious. Scrambling to her feet, she ignored her aches and pains as she waded through the bog as quickly as she could, nearly losing her boots to the suction of the thick slop in the process.
After she’d crawled out of the bog, she heard a whoosh of angel fire behind her and threw herself sideways into a copse of trees to avoid being hit by Fluffers’ fireball.
“You fucking psycho!” she cried, unable to contain her feelings any longer.
“You’ll never get your wings with that attitude, Recruit.” She heard him shout back.
Hurrying into the forest, she darted through the trees. “I don’t want my fucking wings. I’m not supposed to be here!” she cried as she dodged sharp branches and tried to get as deep into the forest as she could.
She hitched her breath when she heard the whoosh of angel wings overhead. Then she dropped to the ground, hiding under the cover of thick branches while staring up through the gaps between the leaves at the troop of angels who flew by, dropping bombs on innocent recruits.
“Heaven sucks,” she muttered, allowing herself to rest for a moment against the trunk of an old tree.
She pulled a strand of her dark hair off her face, narrowing her eyes as mud dripped off it. Peering down at her fatigues, she sighed. The gray camouflage was completely obscured by caked-on, glittering dirt. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore the cold clammy feeling of her clothes against her skin and the shivery feeling from her trembling muscles. She didn’t know how long she’d been stuck in Heaven for now, but it seemed like months, maybe even a year.
Not just stuck in Heaven, I’m stuck in angel fucking boot camp!
She sighed. When she’d died and mistakenly been sent to Heaven instead of Hell—which must have been an admin error sin
ce she was half demon—she’d thought she’d have found a way back to Earth and her body by now. But they’d mistaken her for a new angel, so she’d been consigned to her own personal hell, Camp Angel, which had turned out to be some kind of sadistic training camp for angels.
Why is this place even in Heaven? What about peace, love and understanding? Since when were angels militarized?
Realizing that the patrol had flown by, she boosted herself up and ran deeper into the woodland. If she could just hide out in here long enough, maybe she could avoid the crazy assault course.
Today was the day she was supposed to prove her worth as an angel. If she passed the tests, she’d get her angel wings, but she didn’t want her wings. She wanted to get out of Heaven and go home, preferably as a human.
Hunching her shoulders and adjusting her halo, she ducked under the branches and raced through the trees, scanning the brush for signs of patrols. Right now, she needed to get out of here. But so far, she hadn’t found a way out of Camp Angel.
If I skip the tests, maybe they’ll kick me out.
Optimistic at the idea of flunking out of angel boot camp, she headed for the perimeter fence. It was the biggest crime to mess with the fence, let alone try to get over it. It would be perfect for pissing off Fluffers enough to kick her out. Failing that, she might actually get over the fence and get out of here on her own.
As she broke through the trees, roughly facing the same direction as the perimeter, she paused. You couldn’t miss the glowing golden lattice of the fence that surrounded the camp. It shone like a beacon of crossed wires in the night.
She peered up at the sky to ensure that no patrols of psycho angels were flying by, but the sky was clear. The moon shone brightly along with a sprinkling of stars. There were no clouds for angels to hide behind. The coast was clear.
Breaking her cover of trees, she bolted toward the fence, pumping her arms and legs to cross the muddy ground as fast as possible.
Cold sweat beaded her body, making her gray uniform damp and clingy as she rushed toward her salvation. If she got out of here, she could go home. So what if the other side of the fence was a wasteland full of monsters. It was better than being stuck in here with Sergeant Fluffers and his army of lunatics.
She hitched her breath as she neared the fence. It was the closest she’d ever been to the perimeter. A dangerous humming sound came from the golden threads of energy that crisscrossed around the camp, joining at the golden gates.
Frowning at the fence, she tried to think of a way to get over it. If what she’d been told was true, it would fry any angel who touched it. She hurriedly scanned the glowing lattice, trying to find a way to get through without burning her ass off. Her pulse raced at the sound of blasts in the distance. Other recruit’s cries echoed in the night, causing a shiver to shoot down her spine.
I guess the patrols found them.
Galvanized by the need to escape, she reached out to touch the fence. Burning sounded better than having a pair of angel wings welded onto her back.
I’m half demon anyway. Maybe I’ll heal.
Wincing, she reached out to touch the golden fence, expecting it to burn. She paused when something tickled her fingers. Widening her eyes, she stared at the fence. Her hand was resting on it, but the angel fire was having no effect at all.
Oh, you’re kidding me. All this time I’ve been fearing an angel blast, and they feel like cuddles!
Rolling her eyes, she gripped the fence and pulled herself up. If this was all the angel armies had for firepower, she was getting the hell out of here right now.
She scaled the fence, losing her footing a few times before she pulled herself up to the top. When she reached the top, she flipped herself over, preparing to drop to the other side while trying to ignore the overwhelming urge to hug someone. The fence seemed to be instilling her with warmth and happiness that she’d never experienced before.
Fluffy bunnies…
She smiled at the idea of being surrounded by warm, fluffy bunnies.
Shaking her head, she scowled.
What the fu—hot chocolate fudge cake…
She paused on the top of the fence, trying to clear her head, but all she could think about were warm and happy things, which were alien to Dora’s mind. She tried to throw herself over the fence to escape the camp and the sugary thoughts, but the lattice had woven around her wrists and legs.
She glanced down in horror as she tried to free her limbs from the snaking golden threads that were surrounding her in a cocoon of warmth.
Oh shi—warm cookies and hugs… Motherfu—snuggles and unicorns…
She struggled to get off the fence, but the mind-fuckery from it was filling her with so many warm and happy thoughts that she couldn’t stop thinking about them. A small part of her, the part that she mostly ignored, really did want to hug a fluffy bunny.
She slumped into the warm embrace of the fence, curling up into a ball and smiling as she closed her eyes.
Warm blankies and hot cocoa…
“Okay lads, you can turn it off now.” The voice filtered into her cocoon. It was harsh, so she chose to ignore it.
The warm humming abruptly ceased before she was thrown out of the cocoon. Opening her eyes in horror as she was tossed onto the cold ground below, she let out a yelp of surprise. Her breath exploded out of her as she landed on the hard soil, her teeth chattering on impact.
After a groan of pain, she peered back at the booted feet of an angel, her eyes traveling up his plated armor until she found herself staring into the angry eyes of Sergeant Fluffers.
She dropped her face back into the muddy earth in defeat, waiting for the inevitable punishment.
There’s no hope for me. I was defeated by fucking hugs!
Two
Heavenly Rainbows
Kieron Lascher frowned at the rainbow of light that was glowing in the distance. He pressed back against the shiny silver walls of the sewer, his pulse racing. Being a demon in Heaven was dangerous, but he wasn’t going to leave without his Dora-minx. He knew she was here somewhere. He just had to find her and take her home.
Assuming she can go back to Earth…
Since her body had faded from his arms the second he stepped through Heaven’s back door, he’d been suffering from panic attacks. Without knowing where she was or where her body had gone to, he was beginning to lose hope of ever finding her.
Clenching his fists, he refused to allow his doubts to stop him. He was going to find her or die trying.
He turned to face Lucian, pointing to the rainbow of light that was bobbing toward them. “What is it?” He hissed. Lucian was a pain in the ass, but since he was a fallen angel, he was the only guide they had in this alien terrain.
“Ooh pretty,” Pooey said as he stared at the lights.
Lucian shook his head at the little brown demon. “It’s shit, angel shit. Don’t demons fucking know anything?” The dark-haired angel stared at Kieron with disappointed dark eyes. “Didn’t your mother teach you anything useful?”
Kieron scowled at him. “She taught me a lot more than my loser father ever did.” He stared pointedly at Lucian. Since discovering that the fallen angel was his real father, Kieron was finding it difficult not to punch the guy, if for no other reason than his screwy genetics stunting the growth of his demon horns with goddamn angel genes.
He idly wondered if Lionel had known that he wasn’t his son. It would explain a lot about his childhood. In some ways, he almost pitied Lord Lascher. No wonder he’d always been disappointed in him. On some level, he must have known that Kieron wasn’t a full demon or his son.
I’m still a demon though. Angel genes or not, I refuse to be a fucking angel.
“Are you fucking with me?” Pooey said. “Angels shit out rainbows? Do they wipe their asses on unicorns too?”
Lucian narrowed his eyes. “If you insult Peggy one more time, you shit-colored fur ball—”
“She likes the name Skanky.” Pooey interrup
ted, referring to Lucian’s flea-bitten unicorn, which they’d had to leave behind on Earth.
Kieron thought the creature was better off on Earth and in the safe hands of Mortimus, who had taken great care of her. He wasn’t sure if mythical creatures could suffer cruelty, but Lucian’s unicorn had stunk until Mortimus had cleaned her up.
“Just because you have a name that basically means excrement, it does not mean that all creatures should suffer the same fate.” Lucian poked a finger into Pooey’s little chest, which wasn’t the best idea because the small demon—who looked a bit like a teddy bear in his current state—latched onto it with his teeth and bit down.
Kieron sighed as he watched Lucian dance around the tunnel with a fluffy, angry demon attached to his finger by its teeth. Frustrated, he brushed his hand through his short blond hair, shaking his head.
They’re going to get us caught if they don’t shut the fuck up.
“Will you two fucking behave?” He tried to get between them, but Pooey growled at him, clinging on to the angel’s finger. Meanwhile, Lucian was dancing up and down, yelping.
Heavenly music echoed down the sewer as bright lights lit up the ground. They all stopped and stared as what could only be described as a rainbow-colored turd floated past them emitting angelic sounds.
Pooey’s mouth dropped open in shock, releasing Lucian’s finger in the process as he watched the rainbow of colors float by. He inclined his head sideways as he watched it, his expression a mixture of awe and horror. “They sing to you too?”
Lucian closed his eyes as if in silent pain for a moment. “They didn’t used to. They must have changed the process since I was last here, fucking idiots!” He slapped his forehead.
“That’s kinda creepy.” Kieron pointed to the singing turd as it floated by. “Why make it sing?”
Lucian threw his hands into the air. “Like I’d fucking know. Angels, man, they’re all fucked in the head.”
“But you’re one,” Pooey said.
“Not anymore,” Lucian muttered.
“So your crap doesn’t—”
“No, it fucking doesn’t!” He glared down at the little demon.
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