“Screw you! I love Kieron, and I’d never hurt him, unlike you! You’re just a loser. What kind of father are you? You didn’t even know he existed! You don’t even know if God does!”
She dropped the candleholder onto the tiled floor and put her hands on her hips. “You’re right. I don’t need to talk to you. You don’t know shit about anything. I thought that perhaps you might know more about Heaven, but that’s unlikely since you’ve been blinded by having your head permanently up your own ass since the day you were born.”
“I know more about Heaven and Earth than you ever will, little girl.” He pointed his finger at her.
“Oh yeah, where’s God then? Do you know that? I didn’t fucking think so.”
“I know what happened to him.” Lucian looked indignant. “I’m just not telling you.”
“Oh wait, you know a secret, and you’re not going to tell me it? Are you five? Is it the secret with your imaginary friends in it?” She mocked him, inwardly relieved that her anger seemed to have removed any doubts about herself, and it had put the conversation back on track.
“I know what happened to God because I was fucking there!” Lucian shouted. “He created all this, Heaven and Earth, and then people complained. Everyone complained, so he fucked off and left.” Lucian was pointing his finger at her with every word, his eyes blazing with anger. “I know because before he left he told me that creating something awesome was a wonderful gift, but the responsibility of maintaining it was a fucking nightmare! He left because he didn’t want to end up doing customer support for the rest of his fucking eternal existence!”
Dora widened her eyes. It was a shocking revelation, but for the first time ever, she believed Lucian. He genuinely looked upset. “Shit really? That’s why He left?”
“You try answering a million complaints about stupid shit like why camels have humps or why grass is fucking green. Inane whining got rid of God.”
Lucian’s story was pretty convincing. People complained a lot about everything, and most of it was inane shit that was completely pointless. “So that’s why Heaven’s like this, He left?”
“Yeah, he fucked it all off and vowed to never return. That’s why Heaven’s like this. It’s run by the pieces of shit that nattered him away.” Lucian shook his head in disgust.
“That’s why you left. He was your friend.”
The fallen angel nodded. “That’s why I left.”
“So, God can’t help us get home.” Dora sighed. She’d been hoping that divine intervention would be the answer.
Seventeen
Finding God
Lucian looked thoughtful for a moment as he studied her. “Exactly, now get lost.”
She raised a questioning eyebrow. “Wait a minute. If he’s real, we can find him.”
“If the dude doesn’t want to be found, you won’t find him.” Lucian shook his head.
“If a girl from Berkville can summon a demon, why can’t she find God?” Dora put her hands on her hips. “The angel doth protest too much.”
“I want you to leave me in peace.” Lucian ground out.
“I want you to help me find God!” Dora raised her voice. How difficult was it for him to just help them all get home? “You want to get out of here too, don’t you? This is the only way!”
The door burst open behind her, and she turned to see Pooey walk into the room. He held a bag of cheesy puffs in one hand and one of the orange corn snacks from it in the other, which was hovering near his open mouth. “Is God even real?”
“Oh fucking great. The Scarebear is here,” Lucian muttered.
“Lucian knows God, but he reckons we can’t find him.” Dora told the little demon.
Pooey popped the cheesy puff into his mouth and munched it thoughtfully for a moment. After swallowing it, he raised his eyebrows. “Why don’t we just start looking where he was last seen?”
“Because he’s not there,” Lucian muttered.
“Yeah, but maybe he left behind some clues to his whereabouts.” Pooey shrugged.
“Are you two just stupidly optimistic to annoy me? You cannot find God!” Lucian raised his voice.
“How do you know if you haven’t looked?” Pooey asked as Kieron burst into the room behind him.
“Why would you want to find God?” Kieron widened his eyes.
“He might be able to send us home,” Dora said.
“He won’t help demons.” Kieron shook his head. “This is not a good idea.”
“Thas ma boy,” Lucian said. “Listen to the voice of sanity.”
“You know that He made demons, right?” Pooey said before popping another cheesy puff into his mouth.
“No, that was the Devil.” Kieron shook his head.
“And who made him?” Pooey asked while spitting out some masticated cheesy puff in the process.
“Er…” Kieron paused for a moment before continuing. “I can’t remember anything else from Religious Education.”
“Hell education is worse than the human one.” Pooey shook his head. “What was the devil before he was the devil? I’ll give you a clue.” He pointed to Lucian.
“He was my father?” Kieron widened his eyes in horror.
“Lucian is the devil?” Dora asked.
Pooey slapped his forehead. “For fucksake, the Devil was a fallen angel!”
“Ohh right, yeah I remember that bit.” Dora nodded.
“Do I still get to be the Devil in this charade of stupidity?” Lucian asked as he folded his arms and smirked at Pooey.
“You can be poster-child for all the cosmic mistakes in the universe for all I care, Lucy.” Pooey flashed him a grin, his tiny fangs glinting in the light. Then he turned back to Dora and Kieron. “So yeah, the point is that God is fucking powerful. If we can find Him, He probably can fix everything and send us home. I didn’t think he was real. But if shitbag over there knew him, then he’s real enough.”
“So what, you suggest that we just wander around looking for the creator of the universe, and he’ll appear?” Lucian scowled at Pooey. “Sure, it’s not as if angels have been looking for him forever or anything. Maybe, you’re like one of those rednecks, who believes that God is speaking to them. Do you hear voices, little demon stain?”
“By angels, do you mean the brainwashed ones or the sadistic psycho ones, who have about as much vision as a blacked out window?” Pooey shook his head. “When are you going to get it through your thick skull that we’re demons, man? Demons find shit that no one else can see all the fucking time. Demons can kick angel ass anytime and anywhere, so it’s on bitches. We’re going to find God.”
“Yeah.” Kieron nodded. “I’m in. Where do we start?”
“Oh well, have fun. I’m not a demon, so I’ll just stay here.” Lucian narrowed his eyes at them.
“He knows where God was last seen.” Dora pointed to Lucian, which earned her a scowl from the fallen angel.
“It looks like you’re coming too, Lucy.” Pooey winked at him.
“I am fucking not. I’m not a demon remember.” Lucian’s eyes darkened with anger.
“It’s okay, you’re a clue. Plus, if you don’t come willingly, I’ll have Lettuce carry you.” Pooey glared at him.
The mood in the room changed as the two stared at each other before Lucian eventually broke the stare. “This is fucking ridiculous.”
“Welcome to my life,” Dora muttered.
“I don’t want to be in your life. I want to be in mine, sitting on Earth with a beautiful coven fawning over me because I’m the most powerful warlock in existence. But no, you fucking rejects had to turn up and ruin everything. Now, I’m stuck in this fucking place again, and you’re making me hunt down God.” Lucian ranted with his eyes locked on Dora.
“Dude, they weren’t beautiful witches. They were old hags using glamor on themselves. Now, be a good clue and give us some fucking information. Where did you last see God?” Pooey asked.
“Jesus fuck, fine!” Lucian threw his hands
into the air and expelled an exasperated sigh. “This is going to sound insane, but he was last seen at God’s Grotto.”
“God’s Grotto, what is he, fucking Santa?” Pooey asked.
“Shit, not that guy again,” Kieron muttered.
Dora shot a sideways glance at Kieron. “You’ve met Santa?”
Kieron winced. “I might have er… Look, it wasn’t my fault, and everyone gets presents now, so it’s a good thing, right?”
She smiled at him. “What’s he like, Santa I mean?”
“A greedy, fat bastard who eats people,” Kieron muttered.
Dora widened her eyes. “What?”
“Nothing, it’s just… a long story.” Kieron nodded and expelled a sigh.
“Oh do tell, it’s not like we’re going anywhere,” Lucian said.
“Where is God’s Grotto?” Pooey interrupted.
Lucian’s expression became a scowl. “That’s the fun part. It’s on the other side of the Golden Road. Good luck getting there.”
Dora didn’t like the sound of the Golden Road since golden things in Heaven had a tendency to explode, but she didn’t like the sound of staying here for all eternity either. “Screw it. We can fly. Let’s go to God’s Grotto.”
Eighteen
Don't Kick the Rocks
Kieron was glad they’d decided to walk for most of the journey and leave Lettuce behind at Lucian's house. The giant angel did stand out a bit, and Kieron was still a bit embarrassed by his white, feathered wings. He was still a demon lord. Okay, he’d been thrown out of Hell, and apparently, he was half angel, but that didn’t change who he really was.
He shot a sideways glance at Lucian, his father, trying to come to terms with the fact that that guy was his dad. The demon father he’d grown up with hadn’t been perfect. Lionel Lascher was no saint by any stretch of the imagination. He couldn’t help but wonder where Lionel was now.
Does he know that I’m not his son?
He scowled and kicked a pebble. He’d always been a disappointment to Lionel, never quite evil enough for the lofty lord of Hell. Were these angel wings the reason why? Had he known that Kieron was someone else’s kid?
What about Grammy, does she know I’m not her grandson?
It was depressing to think that the family he’d grown up with weren’t his family. He’d never really been like them, but it had been comforting to be part of their clan.
He clenched his hands into fists. His great family hadn’t been around when he was thrown out of Hell. They hadn’t tried to find him.
They don’t care about you, so why do you care about them?
Maybe because I’m a fluffy fucking angel.
He kicked another rock off the side of the road.
“Stop kicking the bloody rocks.” Lucian’s voice invaded his thoughts.
He turned to glare at him.
My new father and his awesome advice.
Kieron kicked another rock out of pure spite. “Why should I?”
“Because you’ll piss them off.” Lucian shook his head.
Kieron widened his eyes. “Are you nuts? They’re rocks!”
“They don’t like being kicked. The last thing we want to do is attract Mother Earth’s attention, or worse, wake up Henge. Leave the rocks alone.” Lucian rolled his eyes at him.
“You’re so full of shit.” Kieron narrowed his eyes and then rebelliously kicked another rock.
“Oww, motherfucker!” A tiny voice squeaked from the gravel road beneath his feet.
Kieron’s mouth dropped open as he stared down at the rock he’d just kicked.
The tiny cracks in it formed into an animated expression of a scowl as it glared up at him. “Yeah, I’m talking to you, dickwad.”
“Oh, great! Thanks, son. Thanks for pissing off the fossils.” Lucian’s voice grated on Kieron’s nerves. In any other situation, he’d feel guilty for kicking another lifeform, but being around his real father was making him want to rebel, and nothing else seemed to matter. So he bent down and picked up the rock, holding it up to his face.
“You can shut the fuck up unless you want to skim across that lake.” He pointed to the large body of water that was visible through the reeds on the left side of the path.
“Why are you talking to a rock?” Kieron heard Dora’s voice behind him, and an inkling of guilt crept into his thoughts. Judging by the size of the rock, it was only a baby, and he was being mean to it when he really didn’t want to be.
The rock’s scowl creased up into sadness before it opened its tiny mouth and wailed. “Paaaaaaappaaaa!”
“Holy shit!” Dora said as she peered down at the rock.
“Oh shit,” Lucian said at the same time as he peered at the lake.
Kieron stared at the lake as the water rippled. The ground beneath his feet began to shake, and he stumbled as a giant monolith burst up out of the water and turned to glare at him.
“Who dares touch my son?” The ground shook as a deep voice echoed through the valley. The giant monolith turned to stare at Kieron, the dark cracks of its eyes narrowing when they saw what he held in his hand.
“The angel did threaten to drown me, Papa,” the little rock in Kieron’s hand squeaked.
“I didn’t mean—can rocks drown?” Kieron asked the little rock. Then he widened his eyes as a dark shadow loomed over him.
He looked up to see a giant stone fist heading toward him.
Lucian sighed behind him. Then he stepped in front of him holding his hands up in submission. “Now, Henge, just because my son is a fucking moron, that’s not a good reason to crush him.”
“Lucian, is that you?” Henge paused and stared down at the fallen angel. “Did you shrink?”
“No, I think you just got bigger. All grown up now, huh? How’s the family?”
“When they’re not being threatened by—” Henge peered around Lucian to look at Kieron. “Really, you have a kid, and that’s him?” The mountainous creature sounded amused and surprised at the same time.
“He’s mean, Papa!” the little rock cried.
“You need to toughen up, kid.” Henge told his offspring.
“Wut?” The little rock blinked. “I’ll tell Mama!”
“Fuckin’ kids,” Henge muttered. “Fine, you wanna play in the chalk pit again?
“Can I stay there all day?” The little rock looked sly for a moment before pulling an innocent expression.
“Yeah, if you don’t tell your Mama, you can stay there all week!”
“Will you kick the shit out of this guy for me?” the little rock asked.
“What? No! Chalk pit or nothing, that’s my last offer.”
The little rock scowled at Kieron for a moment.
A bead of cold sweat rolled down Kieron’s back. The little rock was so cold and calculating, and it looked as if it wanted his blood.
After a moment of contemplation, the little rock’s expression broke out into a beaming smile. “Okay, Papa. I’ll be a good rock if you let me play in the chalk pit all day.”
“Thank fuck.” The monolith lowered his giant hand and opened it so that Kieron could drop his offspring into it.
“Are we there yet, Papa?” The little rock asked as the craggy monster held him carefully in the palm of his hand.
“No. We’re having a grown up conversation. We haven’t even set off yet.” Henge shook his head at Lucian. “Kids, eh? So, where ya been? I thought you died.”
Lucian opened his mouth to speak, but the little rock spoke first.
“Are we there yet, Papa?” Its voice was shrill and sharp.
“Long story,” Lucian eventually said. “Maybe another time—”
“Waaaa, I wanna go now. You promised!”
“Ye, a boy’s night maybe, we can relive the glory days.” Henge had to bellow to be heard over the screaming infant in his hand. He looked a little bit desperate for a boy’s night.
“Yeah, if the missus doesn’t kill you, and the Angel Guard don’t kill me, count me
in,” Lucian shouted.
“ABUSED CHILD! I WANT CHALKY!”
“The Angel Guard are after you again?” Henge shouted his question, trying to ignore the din of screaming coming from his offspring.
Lucian nodded.
“Aww, man, I miss those days. They’re back over the ridge, looking for…you, I guess.”
“We better get moving then,” Lucian shouted back. “Thanks. Good luck with, er, that.” He nodded at the little rock.
Henge nodded. “I hope he grows out of it soon.” The giant monolith said before he turned and waded across the lake, taking the wailing noise with him.
“That kid’s got more evil in his little ridges than I have in my whole body,” Pooey muttered as he removed his hands from his ears.
“Yeah, I should feel lucky that mine is just an idiot,” Lucian said as he faced Kieron. “Don’t kick the fucking rocks. Let’s get out of here before the Angel Guard turn up.”
“Which way?” Dora asked.
Lucian pointed to the left fork in the road. “We need to get onto Golden Road.”
“Awesome, will we be going to see the Wizard?” Pooey asked.
“Yeah, you can be fucking Toto,” Lucian muttered.
Nineteen
Golden Road
Dora glanced at Kieron as he walked by her side. He’d been quiet and moody since their encounter with Henge and his evil offspring.
She studied Kieron in silence as they followed a bickering Pooey and Lucian. Kieron’s blue eyes were narrowed as they focused on Lucian’s back. Then sadness crossed his expression as he looked away with a sigh.
His eyes fell onto her, and he smiled. She smiled back and curled her fingers around his hand on instinct, holding it. Sometimes she forgot that he’d been dragged through Hell and back too. He hid his disappointments too well, but she’d seen him suffer all kinds of parenting nightmares since she’d met him. It couldn’t be easy. Now with Lucian as his father and being stuck in Heaven, this probably felt like Hell to Kieron.
He squeezed her hand, slowing his pace, so that the gap between them and Lucian widened.
She matched his pace. It seemed as if he wanted to talk, and they hadn’t had much of a chance to.
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