by Lila Rose
I knew he didn’t like me. I just didn’t know how much.
My hand went to the wall to steady me. My legs seemed to shake like my insides were and suddenly, I felt cold all over.
He really hated me.
Why did he keep me around?
Why would he say such things?
How could one person be so mean?
“Bit harsh there, brother. It seems to me you’re justâ”
Dodge didn’t get to finish because foolishly, I had stumbled forward. The movement and shuffle brought their attention to me.
My heart beat loudly in my chest. My ears rang. My hands shook. But I stood tall as both men came into the living room just off the hall.
“Fuck,” Dodge muttered roughly.
Licking my dry lips, I cleared my throat and stammered, “S-sorry to interrupt. I-I just wanted to say Koda is sleeping and⦠I must go.”
“Jesus, Mena,” Kalen groaned.
“Do you mind I say a quick goodbye to your friends?” Before the devastation can take over.
“We’re doing cake when he wakes. You have to stay for that,” he demanded.
Thing was, I didn’t have to do anything he said.
“No. I have other⦠I have to be somewhere.” My chin lifted. He seemed to know when I did that, I wouldn’t back down, and there was no way I would.
Not after those words.
“Menaâ”
“It’s okay. You can say goodbye to them for me.” As fast as I could, I walked around them and went to the front door.
“Mena, fuck, wait.”
With my hand on the door handle, I looked over my shoulder and informed him in an aloof voice, “I’ll be back Monday for work, Mr Brooks.”
He flinched.
Good.
It didn’t match what I was feeling inside, but it was something at least.
He didn’t come after me. I was stupid and stomped on the small amount of hope I had that he would rush out the door for me to stop. So when he didn’t and I was halfway walking to my car in the bushland, I cried. Tear after tear fell, and they wouldn’t stop.
I’d heard harsh words before. Growing up poor, it was the normal to hear them.
They’d just never stung as much as Mr Brooks’s did.
Never would he be Kalen again.
He was my employer and nothing else.
Since Mark’s death, I never thought warmth would have touched me again, but it had; Koda and even Kalen were the reason for that. Until that night, it was the coldest, most lonesome night I had felt in so long, and a part of me even felt it was worse than what I had felt before.
Chapter Ten
Dive
My arse was chewed out by just about everyone that afternoon. They didn’t make me feel worse, though. I was already feeling like the biggest fuckin’ prick. Her face⦠her sweet face was⦠crap! Fuck, it hurt to see the pain I’d put there.
I should have chased her. Dodge urged me to, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say to her. How could I come back from being such a lowlife? It had been all lies. Everything I said was a bunch of bullshit, and Dodge was just about to call me on it when we’d heard the crash in the hallway, and then she was standing there. She’d heard every fucked-up word.
My heart and body begged me to reach out to her, but my mind refused.
Christ.
She’d called me Mr Brooks before she’d left.
Mr fuckin’ Brooks.
I’d lost her.
Before I even had a chance to have her.
Have a chance to redeem myself for the cockhead I’d been, because I was just worse than a cockhead, and any redemption seemed completely outta my grasp.
When everyone started to leave, Dodge hung back until the last couple, and I knew I was gonna get another earful. The worst that day was from my mum when she told me how disappointed she was with me. Apparently, Zara had been inside at the time, hidden around the corner. She told the women, and then boom everyone had somethin’ to say.
Low was sitting in the car with Tex and Rommy, while Dodge and I stood on the front porch, and Koda was crawling around the front grass enjoying himself.
“What you gonna do?” he asked finally. I shrugged. “Your mum was right. It’s time to stop being a dick to her.”
Clenching my teeth, I clipped out, “I can’t.”
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “You fuckin’ can, but you’re being a stubborn prick. Just because you find the woman attractive doesn’t mean anything bad against Simone. Hell, it’s been a year.”
My hard gaze zeroed in on him. “A year. One goddamn year, and yet it seems like it was just yesterday.”
He stood tall, crossed his arms over his chest. “It seems like yesterday because you won’t get past anything else.”
“Just leave it, brother.”
“I worry about you.”
Sighing, I said, “Don’t.”
“I can’t not.” He shoved me. “You’re my brother from another mother, dude.” We both chuckled. And then he added, “Stop being a dick to her and apologise. That’s all any of us want. We ain’t trying to set you up with her. Fuck, you’re the one who brought her into your life. You don’t have to let her in, but treat her like a normal human being. Not like someone who’s shit on you.”
“I will.” I had to. The hurt in her eyes flashed in my mind over and over, and seeing it wouldn’t rest from my mind.
When she showed Monday, she looked like a zombie. A cute one. But still a zombie. She had bags under her eyes, and her skin was paler than before.
Hell, maybe the distance was for the best.
I was still too fucked-up on Simone to start shit with a woman I didn’t know. Even if she was one hell of a woman, who took care of my son with her whole heart.
Then again, when she walked in and offered me a nod with no eye contact, no greeting, fuck, not even a, “Mr Brooks,” I knew the distance wasn’t for the best. The interaction we’d had before, even when it was small, was a highlight of my day.
Why was my guilt about betraying Simone the one thing I couldn’t let go of?
Because Simone was a good woman.
I paused at the thought. Was she? When she didn’t tell me about our kid, when she took away my chance to be with her through everything. When she chose how she wanted everything. Even if she thought she was doing best for me, it was a selfish action. Because it meant she didn’t have to see how crushed I was, she didn’t have to be there for me.
Thinking about Simone that morning had me walking out the door without saying anything to Mena. I should have apologised. I should have told her the truth.
But I didn’t.
I walked out thinking about myself once again.
Thinking of my feelings, my emotions, and my memories.
All day, it played on me.
All day, I was caught up in my head, which annoyed the fuck outta me because it made me feel disgusted in myself. I wasn’t the only one with feelings, and I was sick to the stomach about what I said to Mena and how I acted towards her from day one.
She didn’t deserve any of it.
When I got home, Koda was in the living room on the floor playing and watching TV. I heard Mena in the kitchen. With a quick hello to my son, I headed for the kitchen and stood in the doorway.
Her head was in the fridge, her arse up in the air.
My cock hardened.
Jesus. He certainly wasn’t confused like my mind was.
When she stood and turned, she met my eyes for a second and then moved to the bench and said, while drying some dishes, “Your dinner’s in the fridge. Koda’s is also ready. I was about to give it to him. I didn’t realise you would finish early.”
My boss had sent me home an hour earlier because I’d been useless all goddamn day.
“Um, I’ve done your washing. If you would like to strip your bed tomorrow morning, I’ll wash them, and if this weather stays, they should dry quickly.” Becau
se I’d asked her to stay outta my room, which was the one rule I’d given. I didn’t want to scare her with all the cameras and shit I had going on in there. She took a breath and went on, “You being home, does this mean I can leave early? I’d like to go and do some things in town.”
“I’ll give you a lift. I noticed you didn’t drive again,” I offered in a softer voice. Her cheeks lit with fire. I wanted to know why, but then her chin tipped up and out, and she glared. I knew the colour on her cheeks was from frustration or anger, probably a bit of both.
She opened her mouth to say something, but Koda made his presence known by crawling around my legs and into the kitchen. Silently, we both watched him grab a chair and pull himself up. He decided to slap his hands on the seat. I smiled down at my boy. He wanted attention or food, and the way he ate these days, my guess was food.
Mena also knew this. “He wants his dinner probably, so I’ll leave you to it and make my way home.” She moved off, even though I hadn’t said she could have the extra hour off. Couldn’t blame her really. She was used to taking off as soon as I got home.
Because I was a cunt.
It was time I stopped.
“Menaâ”
“Mr Brooks, please don’t. It’s better this way anywayâ”
“No, it’s fuckin’ not. I hate hearing Mr Brooks come from your mouth, Mena, so you need to stop that shit and stop with the cold shoulder. I know what I said was heartless, but I want you to know none of it was true.” She snorted and her jaw clenched. I went on, “Hell, Mena, you need to believe I was speaking outta my arse. Dodge was talkin’ about you, and I said some shit to get him off my back. Even he knew I was full of it.” Nothing, she said nothing, and I’d even lost her eyes at the end. “I want things to go back to the way they were.” Even though she wasn’t looking at me, I saw her eyes roll. “What, Mena? Tell me what you’re fuckin’ thinkin’. Tell me I was a rat bastard. Tell me how I can fuckin’ fix this.”
Her head spun to me, her glare heated. “You can’t,” she snapped. She threw her hands up in the air and said, “Maybe with time I’ll forget about it. Just⦠let me be, please.”
“Will things go back to what they were?”
She shook her head, but said, “Sure.” Biting her bottom lip, she mumbled to herself, “It’s not like you were nice before.”
I took it. I deserved it because I hadn’t been anything but a prick.
“Let me give you a lift.”
“No, thank you.”
She let out a small sigh in relief when Koda started crying for his food. She said, “You’d better feed him.”
I didn’t stop her when she gave Koda a kiss on the cheek and me a defiant look, before she headed to the front door and then out it. I wanted to go after her, but I knew I’d get nowhere. So I’d just have to prove I was gonna change. I was gonna prove I wasn’t a total dick, and one day, I’d admit what I really meant with those words she’d heard me say to Dodge that day.
That I thought she was stunning.
After I’d fed my boy and got him to bed, the phone rang.
“Mum,” I answered.
“I was around your place today. I tried to tell Mena you’re not usually a wanker, but she didn’t want to hear it. But, Kalen, her eyes told me your words had cut her deep. Tell me you fixed her today. Tell me.”
Sighing, I told her, “I apologised.”
“Thank fuck you saw some sense. Now you give her time. Show her my child is the sweet, good boy I brought up.”
“I’ve already decided to calm things between us, Mum. I don’t need another lecture about my attitude towards her.”
“Okay, Kalen. I’ll shut it. Now when are Simone’s parents coming up?”
“Sunday.”
“I’ll come over and cookâ”
“Mum.”
“Fine. I’ll ask Mena if she can come early and help me out by cooking something decent.”
“Not sure if she will.” Though if Mum asked, I could see Mena helping her out.
Mum laughed. “Oh, she will. I tried to make lunch today while she was busy doing some washing. She witnessed I wasn’t good at it, yet she still tried it. Lost count of the times she cringed and pretended she loved what I made. Heart of gold, that girl. That reminds me, did you know she does her washing at your place also.”
“No.” I was never home when she did household shit. “Why?”
“She said her washing machine wasn’t working. I told her you wouldn’t care she was, but she asked not to say anything to you about it.”
“Fuck, I don’t give a shit. I bet she doesn’t have a phone for herself yet either. What in the hell does she do with the money she gets off me?”
“Can’t say I know.”
“Maybe it’s time I find some more shit out about her.”
“Go in easy, Kalen. We can’t lose her.”
Mum had always wanted more kids and a daughter to call her own, but after I was born, she’d discovered she couldn’t have any more. It’d been hard enough to fall pregnant with me. I wasn’t blind to see she saw Mena more than just my worker. She cared for her deeply.
Wasn’t hard to do.
Chapter Eleven
Two Weeks later
Mena
My back was killing me. I’d slept the wrong way. Being cramped up in the back seat obviously didn’t help. Actually, I was surprised it hadn’t happened earlier. I hoped with some movement, my joints would click into place, so I risked walking and having Mr Brooks offer to drive me home. I also chose to walk because I thought Koda might like to take his first bus trip into town. Besides, I knew how to dodge around his offering to drive me home. I had managed it for the last few weeks. Then, if all else failed, I’d just make a run for it.
It was Saturday, a day I didn’t work, but I’d mentioned to Mr Brooks about how I thought it would be good for Koda to start some swimming lessons while the weather was good. He agreed as long as I was the one to teach him.
Since Koda’s birthday and those things he’d said, Mr Brooks had changed. He wasn’t super great, but I knew he was trying. He didn’t bark at me so much. When I’d cooked for his family and Koda’s grandparents, he asked me to stay for the lunch. I didn’t.
I wasn’t a part of their family.
The reason I helped that morning was so Judy didn’t kill anyone. It was no wonder Mr Brooks agreed to have me cook for Koda and himself. Judy was terrible in the kitchen. I was sure she knew it, which was probably why she ate out a lot with her friends, but I didn’t say anything to her the day I forced down what she’d cooked for lunch.
Thankfully, she hadn’t tried again.
I knew Mr Brooks was sorry for what he said, and I knew I shouldn’t hold a grudge over it, but the words still lingered in the back of my mind. I admitted to myself they hurt more because I liked him in a way my heart fluttered wildly in my chest. Unfortunately, those stupid feelings didn’t go away after he’d crushed me. I wished they had. I wished I hated him, but I couldn’t. Not when I witnessed what he could be like when he was himself with Koda.
It seemed I was an idiot when it came to a certain man.
Still, as long as those words kept shooting around in my mind and heart, I could keep my distance. I could pretend nothing he did fazed me.
I was there for Koda, which had become my mantra.
As I made my way down the driveway, I saw Mr Brooks already outside with Koda. My feet halted. What was going on? They were never outside to greet me. Picking up my pace, I called out, “Is everything okay?”
“Yep, you ready to go?” he asked, looking down at me through aviator sunglasses, which I hated to add, he rocked with his jeans and a black tee.
“I’m sorry?” I asked, stopping in front of them beside his car. I looked in it. The door was already open, and a bag was sitting on the seat.
“Swimming.”
“Yes, I thought I was going to be taking him. In fact, I was going to take Koda on his first bus trip,
which is why I walked.” I reached out, to take Koda’s hand and kiss it. He giggled. Then I noticed Koda was already in his full-body swimsuit.
Pushing his sunglasses to his head, he leaned in and ordered, “Nope. Hop in.”
“Butâ”
“Dada,” Koda yelled. My eyes widened, and I gasped.
Clapping, I grinned like a fool and said, “Yes, baby boy, that’s your daddy. Can you say Mena? Mmmena.”
A deep chuckle hit me. “He’s been doing that all morning. It’s like all of a sudden he woke up and decided he was gonna talk.”
Taking Koda’s cheeks in hand, I lay kiss after kiss over his face, “You’re such a good boy. You’re so smart, Koda. Smarter than any kid your age.”
“Mena, get in the car, please.”
Maybe it was the please or maybe it was the warm eyes I looked up into, but I found myself moving the bag and sliding into the front passenger seat.
Once he had Koda strapped in, Mr Brooks came around and jumped in, started the car and began down the drive.
“Are you swimming?”
“Nope, just coming to see how he goes.”
That was actually sweet.
“Dada, Dada, Dada,” Koda sang in the back.
I leaned around and smiled brightly at him. “I’m going to buy you something special in town for being so awesome, Koda Brooks.”
Suddenly, my eyes teared. Koda was growing up so fast. It was amazing to watch. If I was that excited over his first word, I couldn’t imagine what I’d be like when he started walking.
When we pulled up out front of the local outdoor swimming pool, I got out and went around to help Koda, but his dad was already there, so I reached in for the bag and threw it over my shoulder.
“Oh, no,” I exclaimed after walking through the gate.
“What?” he asked.
“I forgot my towel.” Where was my head at? How stupid was I?
“I have a spare.”
“Mr Brooksâ”
A deep rumble, sounding something like a growl, hit the space between us. “For fuck’s sake, call me Kalen.” His head went back; his face tipped to the sunny sky and he cursed again. When he looked back to me, he reached out and took hold of my wrist. Could he feel my pulse take off from his touch? Old men in spandex, old men in spandex. My heart slowed with the picture in my mind. He then added, “Mena, I would feel better since I use your first name if you would use mine.”