“So you guess you are sorry but I suppose you are not so sure, or better yet, you guess you are sorry hoping that the words will pacify me however in reality you really don’t care. You are truly heartless and despicable, would it take so much from you to acknowledge that it was very wrong of you to have done what you did to me?”
He listens but doesn’t say a word instead he focuses his gaze on her lips and heaving bosom.
Now clearly sizzling she states, “I am going to go now, I don’t ever want to see you again. May you have a wonderful life and I would like you to know that I have never really hated anyone, not until a moment ago when I realized just how much I truly despise you Mr. Betruger.”
With those words, she gets up and leaves him sitting in the park. He makes no attempt to stop her. Instead he watches her as she storms off.
As she makes her spirited exit closing the last scene in what she believes will be the final act for her and Phillip, a part of her wishes that he would call out to her. The tragically romantic within her yearns for him to make some feeble attempt at restoring her fate in him. A few loose leaves being scurried along by the breeze as well as the voice of others around can be heard by her, but not one satisfying decibel can be heard from Phillip. Still she exits the park an empowered woman.
Confidently she now walks as opposed to her nervous entrance. Something within her psyche rings out that balance has been restored in her universe and for the first time she is certain that having had the abortion was the right course of action. Deep within she can feel a smile coming on, a sense of relief that has been eluding her for weeks now. “End scene”, she says as she breathes a sigh of relief. “No,” she corrects herself, “it’s a wrap!”
Chapter 29
“Brittany, why didn’t you tell me?”
Puzzled she asks, “Why didn’t I tell you what Valde?”
“Why didn’t you tell about the baby?”
Finding his question extremely strange she asks, “Valde you know about the baby. You went with me to the abortion. Don’t you remember?”
“I am referring to our baby. Why didn’t you tell me about our baby?”
For a moment the static that can be heard over the wire is nowhere as loud as the uncomfortable lull between the two. A state of quiet panic overcomes her. How did he find out? No one else but her mom knows about it. How could he have found out, did she hear him correctly?
While they were dating she became pregnant, that wasn't supposed to have happened. As far as she was concerned they were just kidding around having fun together. Their emotions were real but at the time the notion of ‘until death do you part’ was non-existent for the two. Both had agreed that their relationship stood the chance of a longer shelf life than their contemporaries; however neither was anywhere near being settled. Valde certainly wasn't. She recalls that soon after discovering her pregnancy, on a sunny Saturday afternoon they were both lying in Central Park. He was reading a novel and she was adjacent to him trying to make more distinguished her spaghetti-like tan lines. She playfully asked him what did he think of kids, and she remembers quite vividly his response. She remembers feeling his stare glaze her bikini-clad form from head to toes then his saying that even though she has great childbearing hips, kids are not for him, maybe sometime in the future, but not anywhere down the road that he could see from where he was sitting. The next day after an emergency visit to her then ob/gyn she ingested Mifeprex.
“I don’t know what to say,” is her shaky response.
“How about saying I am sorry, I didn’t mean to keep this secret from you, or maybe even, I meant to tell you but I didn’t know how. Don’t tell me you don’t know what to say. Brittany that is just not acceptable to me right now.”
“Val, I could truthfully say all those things, but dear, honestly what does it matter?”
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“I am sorry if that seems a bit insensitive of me, I honestly didn’t mean it like that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I honestly don’t know what to.”
“What gave you the license to make this decision for us?”
“License?” she fumes, “What license are you talking about? I remember hearing from your very own lips that you couldn't see yourself with a child. Now you want to sit wherever you are and blame me for not telling you about a pregnancy that neither you nor I wanted. I was young, a bit scared and there you were saying that kids aren’t for you. I went to my Mom for advice and that is what we decided on.”
“I might have said that but it must have been in jest. You had no right not telling me.”
“Valde,” she asks attempting to calm both him and herself, “Be honest with me, put aside the feeling of betrayal you are experiencing at the moment and tell me do you honestly believe that back when we were dating we were ready to become parents?”
“You want an honest answer to that question?”
“Yes please.”
“Honestly Brittany, I was ready for anything with you when we were together.”
Touched by his response she says, “Val, if I had heard those comforting words from you back then, maybe I would have told you that I was pregnant. Still, I doubt very much that it would have changed the outcome. I was truly not ready for kids or settling down and neither were you.”
“Maybe you're right,” he concedes, “I guess we will never know.”
Brittany, who is far from being a callous soul and whose ability to feign apathy is way beyond her many talents, sincerely apologizes, “I am so very sorry Valde.”
“It’s OK. Well it’s not but you know what I mean.”
In an attempt to change the subject she asks, “So my dear where are you calling me from? The last time I checked there was still had a ban on in-flight calls.”
“I am at the airline lounge. I didn't get on the flight.”
“Oh my poor baby!” she exclaims then asks, “Did Alex catch the flight?”
“Yes he did. In fact we both did I just didn't get on the plane. After Alex broke this news to me I had to speak with you. I got so caught up in one of my manic episodes I didn't want to wait.”
“What will you do now?”
“Being that I am still at the airport I figure I am going to try to catch the next flight out. However I believe that may already be fully booked.”
“OK, so leave tomorrow. Come back to the city,” she urges, “I don't like the way you sound right now. Maybe we should talk about this some more and in person.”
“If I return to the city I will let you know,” he says then hangs up.
On his return trip to Manhattan a very contemplative Valde sits back in a lightly foul scented cab as it slowly makes its way northbound on the Van Wyck Expressway. His mind in a rambunctious state of warfare as he, torn within himself, suffers the angst of being left out of the decision process by Brittany while relishing the joyful disposition of singularity he now enjoys partly as a result of her resolution. Struck by the magnitude of the situation he asks himself how would his life have been different had he settled down then? Would he now be the success that he currently is with the rather difficult and careful act of trying to balance a career and family. Why not, several of his peers did, they seem to have created the perfect symbiotic relationship between both worlds. Of course a few have vices like occasionally snorting cocaine off the asses of high priced call girls but the point is they make their marriages work. Looking in from the outside, somewhere between trips to the PTA and getting frequent tug jobs from strippers in champagne rooms under the guise of business meetings, his peers have emerged stellar-looking parents. Of course he notes with a very proud feeling that none of these peers are as successful as him. As his internal debate reaches fever pitch he looks out ahead at the sea of yellow, black, blue and grey metallic hues. Snail paced vehicles seem to crawl before him, their speed tempered by ongoing road work in one of the lanes. Growing miffed at the ad hoc delay he decides instead of his place there is only one p
erson who he needs to be with right now. He instructs the cabbie to take the next exit for they were making a U-turn out to Long Island.
Valde settles himself comfortably into his sofa. Well, it’s not quite his sofa however this piece of furniture has been his refuge since he was in his teens. He would sit across from his mom, quite often in silence, his overly analytical mind hard at play or rather work. His quiet nature his mother understands, perhaps better than anyone else, such is their bond, a broad highway of silent communication where words not being necessary were often rarely spoken. Here he is once again seeking the comfort of his youth, hidden from his world back in Manhattan. Mommy provides that nurture and grounding which oft eludes him. Ensconced in his sofa the calm which he has sought for months has crept in, this to him is the Nirvana that Siddhartha himself sought.
“Would you like another drink sweetheart?”
“No Mom, this whiskey and soda is doing a fine job of hitting the spot.”
“So tell me son, are you moving back home?”
“No mom, I am afraid I am a bit too grown for that.”
“You know what I mean Mr. Smarty-pants,” she says hinting at his luggage, “I meant...”
“I know what you meant mom,” he interjects, “I am just messing with you. No, no need to worry, I am not moving back in. I have this luggage for I was actually on my way to Australia.”
“I believe I don’t have to point out to you that you are a bit out of the way if you were looking for the airport.”
“I changed my mind about the trip.”
“What was the reason for your trip, business or pleasure?”
“I am afraid that it was neither, I was just being there for a friend.”
“Oh I see,” she muses for a second then asks, “What made you change your mind? Did your friend not need you there anymore?”
“Let’s just say that something serious came up.”
She waits for him to continue, her wait was about to be futile so after a moment or two she prods him on, “Boy will you kill the wretched suspense and continue your story.”
“Oh sorry mom I was lost in thought there for a second. Did you know that you were once almost a grandmother?”
“Well I have long suspected that you could possibly be a father and have been spitefully hiding it from me.”
“Mom, why would I do such a thing? I would never hide your grandkids from you. That would be a terrible thing to do.”
She gives him the look that a mother gives her adult child when she would rather not say out loud “child don’t bullshit me.” This he understood and in his respectful way he flashes a smile to let her know he concedes.
“What happened? How and why were you once almost a father?”
“Well Mom I am quite sure that I don’t have to explain the how to you,” he smirks, “and I think the how pretty much covers the why. What I will tell you is that she had an abortion because unbeknownst to me I was being an insensitive cad at the time.”
“So this wasn’t recent.”
“No this was a while back. Thing is I learnt about it today. What’s shell shocking about the news is that twice within the past month I have learnt that my closest friends were keeping really big secrets from me. I feel really betrayed.”
“OK son, I understand, but allow me the liberty to be devil’s advocate here.”
All too familiar with her knack for showing him different perspectives he says, “Sure mom, go ahead.”
“What if by hiding the truth from you they hadn’t intend to be malicious. What if they were only trying to protect you from the truth?”
“I have looked at it from that angle however, that’s a poor excuse for Alex to have had an affair with Joanna, knock her up, which resulted in her moving to Australia, while having me here clueless to what really happened and endlessly blaming myself for screwing up the best relationship I ever had. Truth is that relationship was a lie. Then there is the matter of Brittany aborting my baby without really discussing it with me.”
“Oh dear, I had no idea that things were that bad. Did you say Brittany was pregnant with your baby? Now that’s a surprise, I never knew you two were ever together.” She moves over to sit beside him. “My son, your friends have been dishonest; however the question is how do you feel towards them as a result of what they have done to you? Are they worthy of your forgiveness?”
“I honestly think that I understand why they did it, my problem is what else might they have kept from me and what will stop them from being all cloak and dagger with me in the future?”
“Would you like some dinner my dear?”
“Of course I would, I haven’t ate anything by you in months.”
“Well that’s because you don’t come to visit,” she successfully attempts to make him feel guilty.
“What are you talking about Mom, I see you quite often, maybe not enough but quite often.”
“Don’t worry about it, a better son I could not ask for,” she smiles, “Now go change out of your fancy clothes and come help me in the kitchen.”
“OK ma.”
“Oh, Val one more thing.”
“Yes Ma, what is it?”
“After dinner you, Valde Nathaniel Harris, are taking yourself back to Manhattan. I didn’t raise a son who runs away when the going gets tough and unbearable. You don’t run home to momma to have your tears dried. I didn’t raise a momma’s boy, you were never one and you are not about to become one. Understood boy?”
“Yes Ma’am.”
Chapter 30
Upon arriving in Sydney, Alex immediately makes his way to St. Vincent’s Hospital. On the cab ride over there a sense of urgency burns in his stomach. He arrives both anxious with anticipation and breathless from dragging his luggage around to find Joanna’s mom, Grace, and her sister, Kate, in her room discussing funeral arrangements. In the midst of them coming to agreement that this is what Joanna would have wanted he scratches his throat and says with a great degree of nervousness, “Grace, Kate where is Joanna?”
“Oh Alex!” exclaims Grace as she with opened arms welcomes him.
“Grace, how are you?”
“I am OK,” answers Kate, “But how are you doing? I can only imagine how devastating all this is for you.”
“I am hanging in there,” answers Alex as he pans the room noticing the made up and undisturbed bed that is apparently Joanna’s. “Where is Joanna?” he asks once more.
Both women nervously look at each other then turn toward him with their eyes looking everywhere but at him. Grace calmly sits on the bed, with her hands interlocked; she finally looks up at him and shakily says, “Alex Joanna passed away early this morning peacefully in her sleep.”
“What do you mean she passed away?” he asks clearly distraught.
“Dear she died.”
He freezes where he stands, barely breathing, and pain visibly emanating from his eyes. Kate consolingly holds him. As he grows pale their concern for him increases. Grace suggests “My dear how about sitting here next to me.”
As the cataclysmic news truly settles into his consciousness he becomes less responsive struggling to make sense of what he has just learnt. “Kate, please seat him here, and can you also pour him a glass of water.” Both women then go about the business of fussing over him, slightly petrified by his catatonic reaction.
“How and why do things happen the way they do?” he bursts out asking as if suddenly awaking from a coma. Neither women responds. He continues, “Why is this world sometimes such a harsh place? How can the Fates be so cruel when it comes to toying with our emotions?”
He turns to Grace as he holds her hands he asks, “For what purpose were they both taken so soon from us?” He waits for an answer from her, but there isn’t any. He continues,” You don’t know? Neither do I, it just doesn’t make any sense.”
All is still about the room, and the world outside seems at a distance even as nurses, patients and doctors make their way past the doorway.
“What Grace?”
“I was right. Joanna and Kate have been a blessing to me. Your daughter, although I barely knew her, was a blessing. I know that they were a blessing to you. Dear Alex even though you won’t have the future you imagined with them, you do have the memories. I know that that is not enough, but it is something. Please cherish that something. Even as you seek to get over this tragedy I urge you to keep them alive.”
“Alex,” says Kate, “Let us take you to your hotel.”
“Grace how can you be so calm and strong under the circumstance?”
“My dear I have lost a son and a daughter, and let’s not forget a grandchild, all within the space of three years. It doesn’t get easier to deal with; believe me it doesn’t get anywhere near more bearable. How do I keep my wits about me? I don’t know, I have to remain strong. I have funerals to plan and the transportation of their bodies back to the states to oversee. Believe me child, I wish I could afford the luxury of breaking down. Instead I am forced to grieve in my own way.”
It is now that Alex realizes what he had failed to see before, that both women have been fighting back the tears long before he got there.
.
Chapter 31
It has been three weeks since Valde returned to Manhattan and transformed himself into an urban refugee, still chic, just out of circulation. He made a conscious decision to stay in, venturing out only when he had to go into his office. Even meetings with clients were done primarily by phone of over the internet. As for his friends, he hasn’t seen them. He has not listened to one voicemail from them and has refused to open any personal email. Not even the ones with emergency or the perceived underlying tone of plea in their subject line were exempt. Calls to his office were deferred by his secretary as per his wishes. His doormen were given strict instructions, guaranteed by the generous greasing of the palm, that no one got pass the lobby. Valde has termed this abrupt bout of solemnity his social detoxification, a much needed period for evaluating his friendships with limited interruptions.
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