“What about your heart?” he asks, “What is your heart filled with?”
“That’s a strange question.” She muses for a second then states sharply, “I am not quite sure that’s any of your business Mr. Betruger.”
“That it might not be but I was praying for some glimmer of hope that there might still be a place in there for me.”
“Glimmer of hope, hoping and praying. My dear what has come over you, you are not being yourself Phillip?” she mocks him, “Do you actually know what it is to pray?”
“You taunt me. That is OK. I will be grateful for the chance of being here getting mocked by you. After all it is better than nothing at all.”
“Why so?” she asks as she lights up a cigarette.
“I have been daydreaming of being here with you for a few days now.”
As Brittany puffs circles of smoke in the air it is visible to him that she is growing impatient.
“Brittany I am here tonight as a man who has lost his way asking for your forgiveness.”
“My dear Phillip I don’t know what to say other than to offer you the best advice I could possibly give you and it is don’t bother to waste your time.” With a fiery stare she looks him dead in the eyes and says, “I am sad to say that I am not capable of such a deed.”
Refusing to give up, he continues stating his case, “Let me explain. That day in the park I wanted so much to hold you, to tell you that I didn’t want us to end, and if we had to then not on such a bad note. I am truly sorry for what I had put you through but sometime things in life aren’t as clear cut and simple as they should be.”
“What in your well planned life wasn’t as clear cut as it should be Phillip?”
“Well as you say everything in my life is planned and you getting pregnant was never discussed nor thought of.”
“Yeah that’s right, you are absolutely right, how dare me get myself pregnant, silly little me what was I thinking I must surely have had an ulterior motive” her voice shrieking with sarcasm, “how dare you for coming here and trying to feed me this nonsense.”
“Well it’s true.”
“Whether its fact or fiction, perception is reality and if that’s the belief you are going with then I guess there is truly nothing to talk about.” She sighs trying to calm down then she continues, “Funny thing is the night that you told me that no way could I have that child you also accused me of being hallucinogenic and filled with fantasy. You decided to wring the knife even further by not only admitting to having a wife but also by stating to me that not only were you happily married but a ride in the hay doesn’t equate to forever and you by no means would leave your wife for me.”
He sits looking at her in disbelief.
“Don’t look at me like that. Stop looking at me as if I am some kind of kook. Those were your very words.” She pours herself a drink, “Honestly I don’t know how you sleep at night, perhaps you don’t, and anyway if you can’t be honest then you can just leave.”
“OK. In all honesty the reason why I told you those things is because I got scared. I just wasn’t ready for such a commitment. You see Delia, my wife, and I had some good times, but we have long grown apart. Our marriage had degraded to purely titles and property long before you and I met. She and I have pretty much cut off any semblance of what a marriage ought to be. I know you must think me a bad person for having had an affair, but before you judge you should know that Delia had long broken our marriage contract before I did.”
“Well I know I don’t have to tell you that you should have gotten a divorce. I suggest that you do that before the next time you go ‘trolling’ for chicks. For some of us single girls here in Manhattan it’s not all fun and games and when we genuinely give our hearts we wouldn’t mind getting the same response.”
“It wasn’t until recently that I truly considered divorce.” He looks at her searching her eyes to see if he is getting through to her. Her eyes offer him none of the relief which he seeks, still he continues, “You are the first girl to have gotten me to feel this way. Prior to you I just figured that divorce was too costly an undertaking. She and I, we got married young, there is no pre-nup.”
“No pre-nup?” she gasps, “Wow! Now that’s stupid. Even I the hopeless romantic wouldn’t get married without an ironclad pre-nup. I can’t say that I am sorry for you. Oh Phillip wait, did you come here expecting me to?”
“No I don’t expect you to offer me any sympathy where that is concerned. All I have to say is that no one goes into marriage expecting it not to last, at least I didn’t.”
“OK that’s reasonable however don’t you believe in preparing for the unexpected, say perhaps a little thing called divorce?”
“Marriages are meant to be holy unions which should be given our all. Plan Bs and get out of the ball and chain contracts puts a shade of doubt on the ‘until death do us part’ element of marriage.”
“Listen to you the stalwart defender of the institution of marriage.” She says mocking him with an icy smile, “Might I ask, and please answer me honestly, who was it to first let that little devil called infidelity into your marriage? Was it you or the old ball and chain?”
She taps her well manicured nails on the surface of a cocktail table as she awaits his answer, “Look you don’t need to answer that and besides your hesitation reminds me why I shouldn’t buy into your little sensitivity shtick. You should have practiced a bit more before coming here. What is the true reason why you’re here? You can’t convince me that some ulterior motive isn’t at play here.”
“OK you win. I’ll tell you the truth. When I told you that I haven’t been the same without you I wasn’t being insincere. My sleep, my work everything has been affected since you left me. My therapist is convinced that I am experiencing the result of recent emotional trauma. The only emotional shake up I have been through recently is you. Within the space of two weeks I have blown two deals that were in negotiations for months. That’s not like me and I know it’s not weird coincidence. My therapist recommends that I mend the riff in my life that has caused everything to be out of sync. So here I am trying to make amends, hoping that we could return to how we were with a few significant changes on my part of course.”
“Phillip, it was nice of you to have stopped by however I am feeling a bit tired so I am going to ask you to go.”
“That’s it?” he asks, “That’s your response to everything I have told you?”
“I am sorry but there is nothing I can do to help you Phillip.” She says matter-of-factly, “The Brittany you seek no longer lives here, I am afraid you are going to have to remedy your situation elsewhere as my lips, my heart, and my legs are closed to married men and forever to you.”
Chapter 35
It’s a mild Wednesday night in New York City, the kind of night where Brittany wishes she had someone to meet up with for a drink. Her closest girlfriend was in Boston at a conference and as for the others she didn’t want to see them. Since her last encounter with Phillip weeks ago she has been rather reticent only keeping in touch with her dearest confidantes. As for romantic interests, there isn’t any. There are no gentleman suitors lined up for a date, not because the offers stopped but merely because she isn’t interested. After trying to reach Alex all afternoon he left her a message that he would be busy with a case until the weekend. Her only other option is Valde and he has not returned her calls. It’s surprising to her that he is still upset about the abortion. He says that he is fine but she knows better. She knows when he is lying, the tone of his voice becomes smoother and unhurried, he curls his lower lip slightly biting it with his teeth then he looks her straight in her eyes and tells her what he believes she wants to hear. This whole process is so provocative that if it wasn’t for the fact that this is how he lies she would say that it’s the sexiest thing that he does. She misses him and wishes that she could right this wrong between them.
Valde spent the day in heated discussions as negotiations on a deal he has been wor
king on breaks down. Having had an extremely stressful day he was happy to return Brittany’s call. “Don't mean to beat a dead horse repeatedly with the same stick but why didn't you tell me?”
“Are you calling me a horse?”
“No not at all.
“So I took your advice and I met with Phillip.”
“How did that go?”
“I believe it went well,” she answers with a very big smile, “He and I are so over, I haven’t felt this free of a man in such a long time.”
“I am happy that you are happy.”
“Yes I am happy thank you, in retrospect I am not regretful of having fallen for him. Disappointed by the outcome but not devastated by it, even though I must admit there were some really dark moments there. Thank you so much for being the wonderful friend that you are. I simply cannot say that enough.”
With a smile he replies, “I noticed.”
“My entire romance and ordeal has been chocked up to being a lesson I had to learn, so I have no regrets.”
“Where is that brother of yours, we all should get together and do something. It’s been weeks, I miss you guys.”
“I feel the same way. I spoke to him earlier he said that he was buried in work. I tried reaching him again, figuring that I would try to pull him away from his work for a few hours, no luck yet maybe you could try.”
“I will.”
“So Valde what have you been up to. What’s new with you, and please don’t mention you have been trying to get over what I did, I explained to you before that at the time I honestly felt that I had no choice. I know keeping it from you was hurtful however I did what I felt I had to do.”
“Brittany stop,” he interjects, “Honestly you don’t need to worry, you are right for doing what you did. I feel bad about it because I have come to realize that back then I must have been such a major dick that you didn’t feel that you could have come to me about the pregnancy. I didn’t get the chance to be there for you the way I am now, and that’s no fault of yours. I don’t blame you instead the fault lies with me.”
“Come on Valde, you weren’t that bad. There is no way I would have been with you if you had been monster. I have too much self-respect for that. So quit beating up yourself about it and let us simply agree that the blame doesn’t rest on anyone, the timing was simply not right.”
“OK I suppose you could be right. Anyway what’s new with me is that I broke things off with Brea. That relationship would have gone nowhere. I couldn’t differentiate whether my wanting to be with her was motivated by real affection, sex, or the fact that I stood to make a good bundle of money with her father and she was sort of the cement holding that deal together. Well I decided there was only one way to find out, so I cut her loose. I still have yet to miss her, and I know that I won’t. I am not a heartless bastard, I just did what I felt I had to do, besides looking back at the break-up everything seemed mutual and we mutually decided to be friends.”
“You aren’t capable of being friends with an ex. I am at times surprised at how good you are to me.”
“Well, you might be right, but hey at the time it was a good gesture, besides why burn bridges, in the future that friendship could mean a lot of money to me. By the way, I don’t consider you an ex. You, my love, are my perennial honorary girlfriend.’
“Oh wow, thank you for such a great honor,” she jests.
“Come on, don’t make fun of me, I am actually serious. Besides if you really want to poke fun, here is much better material for you to play with, I have also taken it upon myself to have entered a vow of abstinence.”
As he expected on cue Brittany breaks out in uncontrollable laughter. “Go ahead get it all out of your system,” he gives her a moment then continues citing that he believes that his pre-occupation with sex has been more hindrance than pleasure.
“So in a nutshell you are saying that you have finally realized that you think with what’s in your pants rather than your brain. Isn’t that the case with all men?’ she retorts.
“Brittany that’s a very poor generalization,” says he, “I can’t speak for all men but I can honestly say that is not the case with me. It’s not the continual thought of having sex it’s the habit of frequently having sex that is my problem.
“Isn’t it lucky of you to have yourself such a problem? If I didn’t know better I could be convinced that you are bragging to me.”
“Oh come on you know that I am not. If I was I wouldn’t be concerned that this problem is causing me to have a commitment phobia which I believe to be stunting my personal growth. I want to undo that, I believe that I am at that point in my life where I am ready to settle down. Relationships should take on a deeper meaning than the frivolity I have been carrying on with Brea and the other women in my life. I recall a time when real emotion added depth and meaning to my life. I felt more fulfilled in my relationships and even the sex was better then.”
She listens in awe as he speaks, not surprised by his willingness to settle down but amazed by his honesty and openness. In all their years of friendship never before has she experienced this level of communication with him, the passion in his voice as he speaks about his resolve to her makes her believe him. It also causes him to be even more attractive. “Who knew that was even possible,” she mumbles under her breath.
“Brittany, are you listening to me?”
“Yes I am. You know Valde I do wish you luck in the pursuit of your abstinence. How long will you be on this journey?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
“What, is it hard for you to think if it’s not about having sex lover-boy?” she giggles.
“Go ahead have your fun. Speaking of having fun, when was the last time we did so as a group? Feels like months since we all kicked back together, drink a few beers.”
“We should get together. I will try again to get Alex to come out. Shall I text you later with the result?”
“That sounds good to me. Until then catch you later babe.”
“Catch you later,” she says but he has already hanged up and she is again left feeling lonely and a bit restless.
Chapter 36
It’s one of those weird New York mornings where the weather seems incapable of deciding what season should actually be in. It is the brisk chill of winter even though fall has barely made her annual debut. The sun shines brightly on golden brown foliage as icicles cling steadfastly onto branches. In the midst of a sea of inscribed marble springing forth as if borne by the earth which holds them, a dark coated figure can be seen from afar. With statues of angels overlooking him, and flowers placed in remembrance overtaking him, Alex feels more at home here than he has felt anywhere else in months. Four months to be exact, for this is how long to the day since Joanna passed. There is a strange comfort here pulling him closer to Hades. The thought that Joanna is right here lying beneath both infuriates and consoles him.
He had wrestled for days with the decision to be here on this day at her final resting place. Just didn’t know if he was strong enough. He woke up took a swig of the whiskey which he keeps by his bed, mixed his shaving powder in a shot glass which he kept solely for that purpose, donned one of his favorite suites then made his way downtown to work. As the cab past by Broadway and Duane Street he decides it was time to stop running. After a sobering ride out of the city, here he is, stooped over, getting grass on his pant and soil under his nails. Conjuring deals in his head with a god who he hopes is listening. Willing to give or do anything if it would bring her back, wishing it was him and not her and Calista who were lying there. The tears follow his failed attempt at bargaining for the impossible. No amount of wishes, negotiations, or any other offers of quid pro quo was going to bring her, them, back. He has to accept that they are gone. He has to stop running.
A little in the distance he can see two workers preparing a new plot for burial, he thinks of how easy it would be for him to go lay there after they are done. Just to rest a little. He
is so tired, his heart is worn, what is left of it, and his body, his body is convinced that his soul needs the rest. Still that would be running. He lowers his gaze to stare at the inscription on her tombstone which reads, ‘Here Lays a Precious Daughter, Taken Too Soon’. Wiping his nose as he snivels, he notices the colorful wild shrubbery that has taken to growing by her grave, and says, “Even in death you manage to have beauty shine through. That’s just like you. You always made the bad appear good and showered hope on the abysmal. Sorry I haven’t returned sooner. I have been busy. The truth is I had to be, that’s the only way I could have continued on. I have frequently contemplated joining you, for I know with you is where I belong, however everyone advises me that such a notion is ill-conceived. Screw them what do they know? Do they know what it is like to be always with the nagging stench of regret or the unending torture of loneliness? To constantly seek ways to ease an unkind and unforgiving pain whose sole purpose is to incessantly prick at me and remind me that I am doomed to be without you. Mind you I need no reminding; my ever forgetting you or our daughter is inconceivable. Still everyone thinks I have gone off the deep-end because I no longer seek their company. They think I have elected to wallow in self-pity and they believe that I take pleasure in sorrow. How can they think such a thing? I lock myself away constantly searching for the meaning behind all this, for it has to make sense. It just has to. I have heard that there are no accidents; every act is a result of another, even if that’s the case there still has to be a significant meaning to why you are not here. Still I find none. Maybe later in life when I am older and wiser I will figure it out. Cheer up they say, no amount of forlornness will bring them back. I know this, there is no need for them to be so insensitive and say these things. I refuse to embrace the irrationality of why you are no longer here. My embracing that could possibly result in the belittling of all that you were and still are to me. I will do no such thing.” He stops to catch his breath and gather his thoughts.
Something More Page 17