by Kevin Hearne
“We bring an urgent message from Jupiter and Zeus,” Mercury boomed.
I squinted and held a hand over my eyes to shield them from the sun. “You guys want to talk to me, get down here. I’m getting a crick in my neck looking up at you.”
They floated down but kept themselves a foot off the ground so that they were still looking down at me.
“Zeus and Jupiter demand the release of the huntresses.”
“No,” I said. “We’re not doing this again. I’m not going to do a long-distance negotiation with the gods of the sky. I want a face-to-face.” I purposely turned away from Mercury and locked eyes with Hermes. “I want you to bring Zeus and Jupiter here to negotiate in good faith, safe conduct guaranteed on both sides, or so help me we will set the earth against all Olympians and none of you will ever be able to set foot on this plane again. Is that understood, Hermes?”
The Greek god nodded but said nothing. Mercury couldn’t stand the lack of attention and said, “I, not Hermes, deliver messages to Jupiter, Druid.”
Oberon. Take a risk for me? Pee on the Roman’s leg and then run.
You’re a guest here too, see.
“I know that, Mercury,” I replied, “but I respect Hermes. He’s not a jumbo ox box, for one thing.”
Mercury blanched, and then his complexion colored to a dyspeptic ochre. “What was that?” he said betwixt ground teeth. He didn’t know what a jumbo ox box was, but he was certain he didn’t like being called one. While he worked himself up to a rage, Oberon trotted up behind him and lifted a leg. A yellow stream of urine splashed against Mercury’s right leg near the back of the knee and trickled down his calf, wetting one of his wings. “What?” he said, flinching away and twisting to see what had happened.
Run now!
“Cur!” Mercury shouted, and gave chase, cruising above Oberon’s back. He swung and whiffed again as Oberon juked to the right.
“Herne?” I said. “He’s attacked a guest.” I waved at Mercury, and before the god could process that he’d overstepped his bounds, he had three ghosts on top of him, preventing further flight, and that was just for starters. The hounds leapt at his ankles and tore off his wings with their teeth. They shook the feathers like bird dogs as he fell screaming to the ground. Hermes tensed, ready to fly to Mercury’s aid, but I advised him to stay out of it. “You have a message to deliver, remember?”
That gave him pause and he wafted higher, out of reach. He snarled as he watched Herne and the hunters dismember Mercury into god cutlets. At my signal, Albion did his part and began to coat the various parts into the crust of the earth.
The bags around Hermes’s eyes glowed red, and his musical voice said, “There will be a reckoning, Druid.”
“What do you reckon this is, Hermes?” I pointed to Mercury, who was now being covered in clay and hollering about it. “This is what will become of all Olympians who seek to put me in my place. I will place them underground in pieces for eternity, unable to heal and unable to die. I don’t wish that, however, and I’m sure the Olympians don’t wish it either. Nothing has been done that cannot be undone. So, please, get you to Zeus and Jupiter too, and ask them to come speak in peace so that we can live in harmony again—or, at the very least, aggressively ignore one another.”
Hermes turned his red-rimmed eyes to Flidais. “The Tuatha Dé Danann condone this behavior?”
Flidais cleared her throat before answering in formal, diplomatic tones. “The violence is regrettable and we have no wish to give offense to Olympus, but it is our view that the Druids have acted solely in self-defense and they have the right to defend themselves.”
Hermes snorted in disbelief. “They sundered five dryads from their oaks. You believe that was done in self-defense?”
“It was necessary to contain Faunus if we were to escape Bacchus,” I said, unsure that Flidais knew all the details about that episode, “so, yes, it was self-defense, and the dryads were returned unharmed, as Olympus demanded.”
Hermes ignored me and said to Flidais, “What say you?”
“I say merely this: The Druids do the earth’s work on this plane, while the Tuatha Dé Danann are bound by old oaths to remain in Tír na nÓg as much as possible. We therefore wish them to remain alive and free. Can I be clearer?”
I almost blurted out, “No shit?” but schooled my expression to make it seem as if I had expected her unequivocal support all along. In truth, I’d been expecting an assertion of neutrality, even though she and Manannan—not to mention the Morrigan—had already intervened directly.
The Greek god huffed and his eyes flicked once more to Mercury—or, rather, to where Mercury had been. The earth had swallowed him completely, and his cries could no longer be heard.
“I just want to talk,” I reminded him.
“You might not like how the conversation ends,” Hermes said, before rising higher into the sky and winging south toward Olympus.
Chapter 25
While Hermes went to go tell his dad on me, I glanced at Flidais and said, “I was impressed by what you said. Is that truly what the Tuatha Dé Danann wish for us—to remain alive and free?”
“Perhaps not all of them,” Flidais admitted, “but it is the position of those who matter. It is what Brighid wishes.”
So Flidais remained the staunch ally of Brighid. “I’m relieved to hear it. Please give her my kindest regards.” That would serve as a thank-you without placing me in her debt.
“I will. What’s next?”
“Well, I sure wish Perun were here.”
“You do? Why?”
Once I explained, she offered to go get him. He’d been hiding out in Tír na nÓg with Brighid’s permission ever since Loki had destroyed his plane.
“How are you going to get him?” I said. “The Old Way under the castle is rubble now.”
“It’s not the only one around here.”
“It’s not?”
“Herne’s oak does double duty. It’s tethered to Tír na nÓg but it’s also an anchor to an Old Way. Why do you think we kept influencing England’s monarchs to plant new trees in the same spot when the old ones were ripped out?”
“What? You did?” The enormity of her omission hit home. “I mean, why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
She grinned, unrepentant. “I wanted to fight. And it was right to do so. The Olympians needed a lesson. But we can leave now if you wish.”
Earlier I would have jumped at the chance, but this was an opportunity to preserve our hides for more than a few hours or days. “No, I want to see this through. But if you could take Granuaile and Oberon with you—she needs help with the arrow—that would be great.”
Granuaile was fine with the idea and gladly limped into Flidais’s chariot once we went to fetch her. She wobbled and looked a bit peaked, but, true to her word, she seemed to have it under control. I gave her a kiss and wished her a speedy recovery. Oberon, however, flatly refused to leave me, and I didn’t have the heart to fight him on it.
After leaving Granuaile in the care of Goibhniu, who would saw off the arrowhead to allow the shaft to be withdrawn, Flidais came back before Zeus and Jupiter could arrive. She exited her chariot hand in hand with Perun, the Slavic god of thunder and her current snogging companion.
He looked rejuvenated and spoiling for a fight. His adventures in tailoring were also getting a bit wild. The V in his tight belted tunic plunged precipitously and ended just above his belly button, allowing what appeared to be red shag pile carpeting to spill out. His pants were tucked into blue calf-high boots with a flared top. He looked like a superhero from the seventies. He smiled and gave me a manly hug, which felt like being wrapped up in a throw rug and stomped on.
Vertebrae popped and my wounded back sent me an outraged query, wondering what the hell I thought I was doing, allowing myself to be crushed like that. “Atticus! Is good to see you. Why does Flidais bring me here?”
“We need you to appear big and intimidating.”
“Ah, you need to scare peoples with face of rage?”
“That’s it.”
He smiled at me. “I can do this. Will be fun. Look.” He crossed his arms and the atmosphere darkened around him. His eyebrows drew together and his eyes, normally blue, flickered with the blue and white of lightning as he glowered down at us. He flexed everything and grew bigger.
I didn’t do anything, Oberon. This is performance art.
Perun’s visual promise of doom relaxed, and he grinned. The sky brightened immediately. “Is good, yes?”
I nodded enthusiastically. “That’s perfect.”
Perun had moved on to greeting Herne, and I was reminded again that he was one of the nicer gods I’d ever met—at least, when he wasn’t stirred to anger. He was going to provide me a bit of an edge in the coming psychological warfare. When they arrived, Zeus and Jupiter wouldn’t be able to intimidate us with muscles and thunder when we had plenty of that on our side. And I thought it would be important for the Greco–Romans to see that we had a thunder god throwing in his lot with us. They’d accord Perun some respect and perhaps pause long enough to give me a serious hearing. Without him, I’d expect the Olympians to pummel us into submission without bothering to talk.
The current popular image of Zeus as a cheerful, avuncular type perplexes me. I know it comes from a silly kids’ movie, but I’m not sure they could have gotten it more wrong. Zeus was never avuncular. He killed his father, raped his sister, and then married her, calculating that sanctified incest was marginally better than the unsanctified kind. After that he conducted a series of what are generously called “affairs” with mortal women, though sometimes tales will admit he “ravished” them, which is to say he raped them. He turned into a swan once for a girl with an avian fetish, and another time he manifested as a golden shower over a woman imprisoned in a hole in the ground. His actions clearly paint him as skeevy to the max and the most despicable of examples. He’s not the kind of god that belongs in kids’ films. He’s the kind that releases the kraken.
Thunderclouds condensed and roiled above us, signaling that the gods of the sky had heard my words fall from the lips of Hermes. The messenger god rocketed out of the southern sky and hovered six feet above us, safely out of our reach.
“Zeus and Jupiter approach,” he said, then darted sideways like a hummingbird.
The Olympians knew how to make an entrance. A deafening thunderclap boomed in our ears, causing Oberon to yipe, and two lightning bolts struck the ground not ten yards away. Zeus and Jupiter stood in their place. Lightning continued to rain down around us and clouds boiled directly above, which was odd since we could see blue sky not all that far away.
By now I’d grown used to the differences between the Greeks and Romans and could immediately tell the two apart. Zeus, the uncredited god of sexual deviancy, had wrapped a thin sheet of polyester material around his waist, like a towel, but was otherwise naked—and was visibly aroused by the opportunity to confront us. His beard, oiled and entirely white, was tied underneath the chin and fell to his sternum. His hair still had a dash of pepper in it here and there, and this fell in oiled waves down his back. Jupiter was dressed (or undressed) in much the same way, but his white beard was cropped close and oil-free. His hair seemed unnaturally black by comparison, with some graying only at the temples. Perhaps he’d been using Just For Gods hair cream.
Their eyes glowed with menace, and both sets locked on me.
“Enough of this, Druid,” Jupiter growled. “Release Bacchus and the others now.”
The Olympians, I had noticed, were not the sort for small talk or pleasantries. They just showed up and demanded that you jump to serve them.
“Thanks for coming to talk, Zeus and Jupiter. Look, I’m not the bad guy here.”
“You have imprisoned members of our pantheon, have you not?”
“Yes, but that’s only because they were behaving like ass napkins. There’s something beyond our petty squabbling that requires your attention. It’s Loki and Hel and the end of the world as we know it. Despite what Michael Stipe might think, you will not feel fine when it gets here. You should poke your head outside Olympus once in a while. See, if Loki finds me and manages to kill me, Ragnarok will begin. And most of the Norse gods who were supposed to act as a check on that have checked out prematurely. The threat of Loki is real. He’s destroyed the planes of two thunder gods already by himself—Perun’s of Russia and Ukko’s of Finland.”
The Olympians flicked their eyes to Perun, who gave them the barest nod of confirmation. The exchange surprised me, because I thought the Olympians would have known about Perun’s plane already, but apparently they hadn’t been paying attention to recent events.
“If Loki is able to unite his power with that of Hel and Muspellheim and pull off Ragnarok,” I continued, “Olympus goes down in flames with the earth. So the world could use my help and yours. What do you say we put aside our differences for a bit and fight a common enemy? Odin’s with us, I can assure you of that.” Namedropping couldn’t hurt at this point.
Jupiter’s expression of impending wrath modulated into a frown of concern. Zeus’s leer underwent a similar transformation. At least they were listening, I thought. But there was no give in Jupiter’s tone as he uttered his reply.
“We cannot put aside differences until our pantheons are whole again,” he said.
“Okay, I’m sure we can work something out. Let’s talk so everybody wins. But, first, could you maybe dispel those storm clouds?” I jerked a thumb at the sky. “That’s weird and it’s going to draw attention.”
“Attention from whom?” Zeus snorted, and glanced toward Windsor Castle and the distant helicopters buzzing like flies around carrion. “I care not what the mortals think.”
Oberon said,
My hound’s gaze was fixed on the northern sky. Following it, I saw a familiar orange meteorite with a heart of white phosphorus headed our way. “Aw, damn it!”
Chapter 26
Get right behind me and stay low! I ordered Oberon, and then I shouted, “Don’t kill him or Ragnarok begins!” a few scant seconds before Loki landed in our midst and sprayed his surroundings with fire, just to make sure we noticed him. My cold iron amulet protected me and my body shielded Oberon. Perun didn’t think fast enough to protect Flidais and she hadn’t expected such an attack, so she got tagged badly and screamed as flames engulfed her. Perun and the Olympians weren’t harmed by the fire but didn’t like the intention behind it; Hermes avoided the fire altogether by flying above it. Zeus and Jupiter called down lightning bolts on Loki from their portable storm clouds overhead but didn’t know from experience that he was as immune to them as they were to his fire. Perun did know, however, and he’d obviously been thinking about how to handle Loki Flamehair if a rematch became necessary. He summoned wind and snuffed out Loki’s flames as if they were candles.
The mad fucker just laughed that insane laugh and pulled his sword out of his ass. Zeus, now afflicted with acute priapism, gasped and asked him to do that again. Jupiter slapped him to the ground and barked at him to get his priorities straight. Obviously there was some tension between them.
Perun had the right of it. Neutralization was more important than defeating Loki right now. But Perun had already crouched down to aid Flidais rather than press his advantage. Before I could step into the fray, Herne called up his lads; Loki’s initial fire burst had set the edges of the clearing aflame, and since it was all part of Windsor Forest, that shot Loki right to the top of Herne’s list of people to kill.
“For the King
’s Forest!” he yelled. He and his hunters charged, confident, hounds at their heels, and Loki grinned and waved them on.
“Yah! Yah! Yah!” he said, a wide smile of malevolence splitting his face. That didn’t seem right; the charge of an armed ghost cavalry should have scared the scars off his face. Behind him, a giant hound, six feet tall at the shoulders, winked onto the clearing and woofed, then vanished as suddenly as he’d appeared.
“Herne, wait!” I called. But it was too late. The first huntsman, eager to strike a blow for England, did nothing to avoid the sweep of Loki’s sword, thinking it would pass through him as all other weapons did. But Loki—father of Hel, Queen of the Dead—didn’t swing an ordinary hunk of steel. When the sword met the huntsman’s form and continued on, a ripping noise like someone’s jeans tearing announced that something untoward was happening. The nameless huntsman and his horse split apart and exploded into puffs of floating blue ectoplasm, then faded entirely from view. Loki didn’t just wound the ghost; he annihilated him completely. Herne and the other hunter almost followed in short order, having charged in too far to escape Loki’s reach in time, but they managed to muster a defense and were merely knocked off their horses. The spectral hounds, unable to process that the rules had abruptly changed, kept right on going. They nipped at Loki from all sides, and his sword could dispatch only one at a time. “Fff-fff-ffucking dogs!” he spat, kicking ineffectually at them.
A few more frantic stabs of Loki’s sword ended the poor pooches, but they had drawn blood and he limped slightly. It did much to subdue his confidence, and by that time Herne and the remaining huntsman had regained their feet and approached him warily. Loki took them in and looked annoyed. As successful as he’d been thus far, he had not come here to fight ghosts. Hel must have placed an enchantment on that sword to make it effective against the undead. I wondered if it had a name.