‘But –’ I stopped talking because his tongue was back in my mouth and his right hand was forcefully massaging my left breast.
Despite his frantic approach to foreplay, I began to feel aroused. He was too fast and too aggressive, but it was still new and exciting and my body responded to his touch. It wasn’t long before we were both naked. He reached his hand up. I thought he was getting a condom, but then he began to push my head down. I resisted, but he pushed harder.
‘What are –’
‘Come on, Julie, blow me.’
A blow job? Christ, I hadn’t given one of those in years, possibly decades. Harry always used to say I’d married him under false pretences. Pre-marriage I gave blow jobs. After marriage I admitted I hated them and stopped.
Dan’s hand upped the pressure on my head. I found myself sliding down his chest. Suddenly I found myself face to face with his red throbbing penis.
Oh, God, I’d have to close my eyes for this. I shut my eyelids and took a deep breath. I opened my mouth and Dan, seizing his moment, shoved it in. I began to gag and splutter. I jumped back, falling off the bed as I did. ‘Jesus Christ, you almost choked me.’
Dan glowered at me. ‘OK, fine, forget the blow job. Let’s just have sex. Come on, up you get.’ He reached over and pulled me back onto the bed.
But as I watched him fumbling to put on a condom, I knew it was over. This stupid little flirtation was finished. I didn’t want Dan. I didn’t even find him attractive. On text, he was very sexy. In real life, he wasn’t. He was too aggressive and pushy. He had a fake American accent, a fake tan and it wasn’t me he wanted, just sex.
I was frantic to get out of there, go home and have a shower. I was such an idiot. Who did I think I was? I was a desperate housewife – bored, lonely, delusional and pathetic.
I stood up and began to get dressed.
‘What the hell?’ Dan leapt up and grabbed my shoulders. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m really sorry, Dan,’ I said, zipping up my dress and throwing my suspenders and stockings into the wastepaper basket. ‘This just isn’t going to work. You’re a very nice guy, we used to have amazing chemistry, but it’s just not there any more.’
His face went red and he shook his finger accusingly in my face. ‘What the hell? You contacted me on Facebook. You sent me all those flirty texts. You totally led me on. Do you have any idea how much this room is costing me? I would never have stayed here if I hadn’t thought I was going to get some action. I’ve got two kids in private school – I can’t afford this.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, feeling a huge well of emotion bubbling inside me. I had to get out of there.
‘You should be. You led me up the garden path, you bitch.’
I grabbed my bag and shoes and hurried to the door. ‘Sorry,’ I sobbed, and ran down the corridor to shouts of ‘Prick-tease.’
I found a storage cupboard, went in, shut the door and sat down on a pile of linen, crying as if my heart would break. I cried for my old marriage, my old life, my old Harry. I cried because I had been an absent mother. I hadn’t been nice to the kids recently. I’d been too interested in texting Dan and, between texts, staring at my phone wishing for more contact with him.
I hated my life. I hated what we had become as a family. We weren’t a unit: we were like strangers all living separate lives. I hated myself. What kind of person behaves like a ridiculous teenager and runs to a hotel to have sex with a married ex-boyfriend? What kind of a mother would do that? Who was I?
After weeping into the clean hotel linen for what felt like hours, I dragged myself up. I opened my bag to take out my phone. I couldn’t go home: I’d have to call Sophie and see if I could stay in her house.
There were fifteen missed calls from Louise and Sophie. Plus lots of texts from both of them saying: Where are you? What’s going on? Are you OK? We’re here for you. Call us. We’re worried …
Their concern made me start crying again. It was a full ten minutes before I could speak. I called Sophie.
‘Jesus, Julie, are you OK?’
‘Yes, I … Nooooooo.’ I began to cry again.
‘Where are you?’
‘Hotel.’
‘Which hotel?’
‘F-Four – S-S-Seasons.’
‘Are you with Dan?’ Sophie asked.
‘Ye-ye-yes.’
‘What happened?’
‘I’m such an idiot,’ I cried.
‘Are you hurt?’ Sophie sounded really worried.
‘No, I just feel s-s-so ash-ash-ashamed.’
‘To Hell with shame,’ Louise shouted into the phone. ‘It’s a waste of energy. Stay there, I’m on my way.’
‘Stay on the phone with me while you’re waiting for Louise,’ Sophie said. ‘I’m here, I’m listening. Talk to me.’
I sighed and massaged my aching forehead. I didn’t know where to begin …
31
Sophie
Louise brought Julie back to the apartment. Thankfully, Jess was asleep, so we were able to talk freely. Poor Julie looked a wreck. Her face was streaked with mascara and she was shaking uncontrollably. I opened a bottle of wine and we all had a large glass.
Julie told us everything. She admitted she had encouraged Dan and led him on.
‘But I thought it was just a bit of fun – “Some harmless flirting,” you said,’ I reminded her. ‘So when I got your text saying you wanted to pretend you were staying in my house, I was really worried. I knew it must be something to do with Dan. But you wouldn’t return my calls or texts so I phoned Louise, she came round and we were about to call all the hotels in Dublin to find you. We figured the room would be under Dan’s name. But then you got in touch, thank God.’
Julie buried her head in her hands. ‘I’m such a fool. I just loved the attention. It started off with innocent flirting, but then it got quite sexy and I loved it. His texts kept me going. When he didn’t text I’d be in terrible form and then I’d get one and I’d be happy again. It was so ridiculous – I thought I was falling for him. I’m just so lonely.’ Julie began to cry. ‘I’m on my own all day in my massive house with nothing to do. Everyone’s so busy all the time and I’m just waiting for the time to pass until I pick up Tom. Sometimes I keep him home from school so that I have company.’
I leant over and put my arm around her. I’d had no idea she felt so isolated. Her life seemed so noisy and hectic with all those boys that I’d presumed she would relish the quiet when they were in school.
I had loved having money and Jess being in school. I’d had my Pilates classes and my sessions with my personal trainer, I’d gone shopping and met friends for coffee. I’d just assumed Julie would do all that too.
She was married with four kids, for goodness’ sake. Loneliness was never something I’d thought she could suffer from. It was amazing to think you could be surrounded by people and still feel very alone.
‘You should have told us how you were feeling,’ Louise said, refilling our glasses.
‘Come on, guys, you both have enough on your plates. You’re dealing with real problems. How could I come along and start moaning about being bored and lonely? It would have sounded pathetic. It is pathetic. My boys are right. I am a loser.’
‘Stop that,’ Louise snapped. ‘You’re not a loser. Harry is behaving like a total moron, which has to stop, by the way. You need to talk to him properly about his absenteeism. Your life has gone from being constantly surrounded by children and chaos to being quiet and alone. You need to adjust to it and find a way to fill your mornings so that you don’t feel useless. I told you I’d help you find something and I will.’
Useless! Sometimes Louise was too harsh. I decided to jump in. ‘What you need to do is find something you enjoy doing. Something that makes you feel fulfilled.’
‘You need to be busy,’ Louise said. ‘If you were busy, you wouldn’t have time to be texting Dan and you wouldn’t have ended up in a hotel room with his penis in your face.’
>
We all began to laugh.
Julie wiped laughter tears from her eyes. ‘Thank you, guys. Honestly, what would I do without you?’
‘Have bad sex with random men from your past.’ I winked at her.
Julie smiled. ‘That’s enough about Dan bloody Williams and all that stuff. Now I want to forget it. Tell me, how are you doing? How’s Clara?’
Louise’s laughing face fell. She twirled her wine around in her glass. ‘She’s OK. It looks like she has Asperger’s.’ Her voice faltered. I went to squeeze her hand, but she pulled it away. Looking down, she said, ‘Don’t be nice to me. I’m doing my best to stay strong, but it’s hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through.’
I looked at Julie. Silent tears of empathy were running down her face. I fought back my own. I’d never seen Louise so vulnerable. Her emotions were so raw. You could see she was hurting really deeply.
‘Anyway,’ she coughed, ‘I’ve found this psychologist and he’s agreed to see Clara, diagnose her properly and come up with a plan to help her.’
‘She’s an amazing little girl with an incredible mother,’ I said.
‘How can we help?’ Julie asked. ‘Please let me help.’
Louise gave us a crooked smile. ‘Thanks. I’ll let you know what you can do when I know more. Actually, Gavin’s been great. He did up this whole folder for me with detailed research and a list of the books I should read. Apparently, Shania’s brother has Asperger’s and she helped him compile the information.’
‘Wow! Maybe he’s finally growing up,’ Julie said.
Louise shook her head. ‘I’ll believe that when I see it.’
Julie smiled, then turned to me. ‘How’s Jack’s baby and all that going for you?’
I pushed my hair back from my face. ‘It’s a bit strange, to be honest. It’s hard for Jess. I think she’s feeling a bit left out. Did I tell you Jack dragged me in to see the baby and Pippa arrived as I was holding her brand new son?’
‘No!’ Julie’s eyes were wide.
‘What did she say?’ Louise asked.
‘She snapped Jack’s head off and stormed out.’
‘I bet she won’t like the leaky boobs and the fat waistline,’ Julie said.
If only, I thought. ‘She looked fabulous only twelve hours after giving birth.’
‘I hate her even more,’ Julie muttered.
‘Don’t focus on her. Concentrate on yourself and your own life,’ Louise advised.
‘I am, don’t worry,’ I assured her. And I was. I had booked my breast enhancement procedure and I couldn’t wait. The new me was going to get out there, find a fabulous man and start a new chapter.
The next morning, Julie was up and gone at eight to get home, changed and take the boys to rugby. I hugged her goodbye and told her to talk to Harry.
‘Julie, one of the reasons my marriage fell apart is because Jack and I weren’t honest enough with each other. You have to tell Harry how you’re feeling.’
She blinked back tears. ‘I know, and I will.’
I closed the door and turned to find Jess behind me. I was surprised to see her up so early on a Saturday. ‘Why did Julie stay the night here and why are her eyes all red and puffy?’ she asked.
I decided to try to be honest. Jess had experienced a lot of upheaval and change in her short life so, in some ways, she was wise beyond her years. ‘She kind of a had a fight with Harry so she decided to come here, have a chat and stay over.’
‘Are they going to get separated?’ Jess asked.
I winced. I hated her knowing about separation aged only nine. ‘No, not at all. It’s just a silly argument. She’s going home to talk to him and sort it out.’
‘I always think Julie and Harry seem really happy. Even with all the craziness in their house, they’re never grumpy.’
It was true. Despite having four sons and no money for a long time, they were rarely in a bad mood. In fact, it was only in the last six months that I’d seen Julie upset and fed up. I never saw Harry now so I didn’t know how he was.
‘I hope they don’t break up. It’d be awful for the boys.’
‘Was it terrible for you when Dad and I split up?’
‘The worst.’
‘Oh, Jess, I never wanted you to have to go through that. I really wanted it to work out. We tried, but sometimes things don’t go the way you hope.’
‘It’s OK, Mum. It’s a long time ago. I used to wish you and Dad would get back together and we could be a family again, but then he met Pippa and everything was great.’
‘Well, I’m glad you’re not upset any more.’
Jess stretched and yawned. ‘I just wish you could meet someone and be happy, like Dad and Pippa. I hate it when you’re sad.’
I managed to say, ‘Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I have you, work and my sisters – I’m happy.’
‘No, you’re not, not really. Not like Dad.’
‘Well, there are different kinds of happiness,’ I said. I was sad that Jess was worried about me. I had wanted her to have a carefree childhood and yet in her short life she’d seen her dad and me lose everything, fight, drift apart, separate, her dad have a new partner and baby, and her mother lonely. ‘Jess, I promise you I’m fine. You are my sunshine. You are the love of my life. I don’t need anyone else.’
‘OK, Mum. Don’t get all soppy on me.’
I kissed her head. ‘I won’t. Now, don’t worry about Harry and Julie. They’ll sort it out – they’re like peas in a pod.’
‘Like Dad and Pippa,’ Jess said.
I decided to change the subject. ‘Are you going to see baby Robert today?’
Her face lit up. ‘Yes! Dad’s going to pick me up at ten and bring me in. I can’t wait to hold him again – he’s so cute. And I’ll get to see Pippa properly.’
I hoped Pippa was going to be nicer to her today. I was worried that Jess might get snapped at again if Pippa had been up all night with Robert.
‘Jess, Pippa will probably still be exhausted, so don’t stay too long. She’ll need her rest. Babies are very tiring in the beginning. I remember you so well – you were always hungry.’
‘Was I cute like Robert?’ she asked.
‘You were the most beautiful baby in the world. I used to spend hours just gazing at you. You were perfect and so sweet.’ I felt myself getting emotional as the memories flooded back. Jess had been a wonderful baby and I had adored her. But what she didn’t know was that I had suffered from post-natal depression and had really struggled to keep everything going that first year. I had covered it up so well that no one had noticed, not even Jack.
She rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t start crying.’
I smiled. ‘I can’t help it. I thought you were incredible then and I still do.’ I tried to give her a hug but she ducked under my arm and went to get dressed.
I sat down at the kitchen table to have breakfast alone.
32
Louise
I sat on the park bench and observed her. While all the other children played on the slide, see-saw, swings and in the sand pit, Clara stood apart. She was staring up at the sky, pointing at the different birds and muttering the names to herself under her breath.
I bit down hard on my lip. She looked so beautiful and angelic, her blonde curls framing her delicate face, her big blue eyes creased in concentration. I loved her so much it physically hurt. I wanted to protect her, to wrap my arms around her and make it all go away.
I had taken pride in the fact that she was so intelligent. I had been thrilled that she took after me and was going to have a life full of books, studying and a career that she loved. But I was wrong. She wasn’t like me. She was her own little person with her own unique mind and her own view of the world.
I could see now that she would follow a different life path from mine. She wouldn’t be a leader, she wouldn’t smash glass ceilings in cut-throat London law firms. She’d never be an independent, self-sufficient person like me. She was
different. I had to accept it. I had to understand that my precious little girl saw the world differently from me and ‘normal’ children.
I had grabbed life with both hands and thrown myself in head first. Clara shied away from the world and wanted to be alone or with very close loved ones. But being different didn’t necessarily mean being worse off. Clara could still achieve great things and I would help her do that. We were a team, Louise and Clara. She had come into my life so unexpectedly and had not been at all welcome. But then … I had fallen in love with her.
I had never been fazed by anything, but I had been knocked sideways by Clara’s issues. I lay awake every night worrying about her. How would she cope when I was gone? What was her life going to be like? Would she be happy? What did the future hold for my precious angel?
Clara had Asperger’s. I didn’t really need some psychologist and a bunch of other people telling me because I knew it. I’d read Gavin’s notes, I’d trawled the Internet, I’d watched the programmes. Clara had Asperger’s, and I needed to learn everything there was to know about it.
I decided to look at it as a project. I was always the most prepared lawyer, more informed, more up to date and smarter than the people I dealt with. I’d just have to be the same about this. ‘It’s a condition not a life sentence,’ I kept repeating to myself. I thought if I said it enough it would sink in.
I had to become an expert on the subject. Understanding it would ease my fear and take away the panic I felt every time I looked at her. With my help, Clara would carve out her own niche. She’d be incredible in her own way. I would help her shine. I would make sure she was happy.
Clara came over to point out a bird sitting in the tree above me. ‘Look, Mummy, it’s a robin, Erithacus rubecula. They’re five inches long and the male and female are similar in colour, with an orange breast, face lined with grey, brown upper parts and a white belly. The bill is dark and pointed and the legs black. They can appear very plump and rounded, especially in cold weather when the bird fluffs out its feathers …’ Clara went on and on, quoting verbatim long passages from her bird books.
The Secrets Sisters Keep: A heartwarming, funny and emotional novel (The Devlin Sisters Book 2) Page 29